Welcome Sherry. I'm sorry you are having to deal with your sons behavior. It is a hard place to be.
As hard as all of this is to hear, and it is hard to hear for all of us at one time, sometimes the best thing we can do for our adult kids who refuse all help to help themselves but insist on US taking care of them, and blame us, steal from us lie to us and manipulate us........is to let go........to detach from their behavior...............to accept what we cannot change...........
AND, it's the hardest thing anyone here has EVER done.
You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here.
When I first heard the concept of detachment and letting go, I was in fact, angry. I felt that no one understood MY particular circumstance with MY child..........MY story was not the same, I could NEVER turn my back on my own child and allow them to be homeless. Well, one year after saying all of that, I changed my thinking............really there was no where else to go. The ship I was on was clearly sinking.
I entered an 18 month long Codependency program through Kaiser in California. If you are a member, look in to it. The Substance Abuse programs they have at many of their larger Hospitals have a rehab which your son can enter and a Codependency course in the same program that you can enter. It changed my life. You are enabling your son. As long as you continue to enable him, he will not change. You are the one who needs to change.
You can make staying at your home contingent upon him entering and staying in that rehab. It is a couple of weeks of every day and then groups and therapists who are specifically trained in Substance abuse and codependency issues. The Substance abuse program is about a year long, perhaps longer. There are 2-3 phases. As a member, it is very inexpensive. He is likely using and he sounds depressed, perhaps this program can help you both.
What helps most of us here to get out from under the heavy boulder of abuse our kids bring to us is to set very, very stringent unbreakable boundaries which have clear consequences which are enforced. Often as enablers we need guidance and support in order to learn how to do that. I know I did. It is not easy to change that pattern of over giving. You and your son are stuck in a destructive pattern. He will not get better unless you change. And, even if you change, he still may not get better. It is not up to you, it is up to him to change his life. You are taking responsibility for his life when he should be doing it. I know how easy it is to get in to that rut, I was there too. Most of us here, at one time or another, were exactly where you are now. And, as time went by, we saw the benefits of detachment. We understood that nothing will change until we change. And in many cases, as we changed, our kids woke up and shifted gears. But, sometimes they don't. That part is not within our power. In fact, nothing is within our power or control, we are powerless. And that is a hard realization to accept. But once you accept that, you can begin to move on.
My daughter is 42 years old. She went off the rails when her husband committed suicide 14 years ago. She treated me in much the same way your son treats you. When I stopped accepting it is when it changed. As long as you accept that behavior, it remains in your life. You are the one who has to draw that line in the sand and say this is where it stops.
It often takes a lot of support for us to make these changes. Which is why that Codependency course was so invaluable to me. I had therapists and professionals helping me each step of the way. I was in a support group and private therapy. I learned a new way of responding. I learned how to set boundaries. Once I did that, everything, every. single. thing. changed. Your son sounds a bit like my daughter in that a life event sent them spinning out of control.That does not give them a right to abuse us, manipulate us, hold us hostage, steal or lie or in any way disrespect us. By getting yourself out of that scenario, you force your son to wake up, to consider that he has no choice but to own his own stuff and move on..............or not...........but at least you will be out from under.............you deserve to have a life, to be happy, to have peace of mind, to enjoy your life free of worry and fear.
Keep posting here, it helps. Find support for yourself. There are options for you to change this patterning, stay open to what they are. We're here if you need us...........you are NOT alone............I'm glad you're here.........
