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I need help with my oldest son who is 24
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 641410" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>In a way you answered your own question.</p><p></p><p>First, since he was so bright it is unlikely he will be seen as disabled so that is probably out. I assume he is probably involved in more drugs than you know. My daughter made us think it was just pot, but it was actually more. If your son is losing weight, getting aggressive, and not eating much suspect he uses meth more than you thin. I don't know why I thought I knew my daughter's private life. After she quit, and she did quit, she told me the whole ugly truth. I was appalled at how little I had known about her when she was using. Bad hygiene is also a red flag for drug abuse and, no, I don't mean pot, althugh, unlike you, I dont' think it's all right and made it clear of that and, except for Daughter, none of my kids used it and we certainly don't. Pot can be ok for some medicinal problems and I support that. So can Oxycontin. It is great for pain control. But for many people, both are abused and do not help, but hinder. That's where I have a problem. Mild recreational pot smoking, like social drinking if it is not every day, can be fine. The person can still function. Chronic, daily pot use, like chronic daily alcohol use, can harm the mind. And we never know which category we will fall into until we try it. I never messed with that stuff.</p><p></p><p>Your son is not willing to thrive when you open doors for him. His is not growing up. He is not responsible. Why? Because you can show him the water, like that ole horse, but you can't make him drink. So the answer to your question, if you do not want to make him leave and if he refuses therapy, the good direction you have tried to point him in, or if he is unwilling to help himself at all and is just going to feel sorry for himself and talk about suicide (which is scary, but almost all of our kids tend to use this, sometimes because they feel badly and often to manipulate us into doing what they want), then your option is to live as you have been living. He won't change. Your life won't change. As long as he is at home, refusing to help himself, he won't change. Since he knows he can live with you indefinitely and that you will never tell him enough is enough, you and he will do this dance for the foreseeable future.</p><p></p><p>As far as his kids, I can't see how they are benefiting by his being in their life. He is no role model. Likely the girls will move on and find maybe more stable men who will take over a more stable and consistent father role. Is your son paying his child support? I'm guessing not, since he isn't working. That isn't cool and his kids will certainly learn this as they get older. </p><p></p><p>But...you can still try to live with him. It is YOUR decision, not ours.</p><p></p><p>That IS an option. It is an option MANY parents take. There are 80 year old parents who have their 60 year old lazy, abusive, alcoholic son or daughter living off of them and they have given up their entire life to help this "child" and the child never changes anyway and two lives have been ruined. BUT...it is an option. You can certainly keep your son at home and keep doing what you're doing. I suggest you get yourself into therapy to help you cope.</p><p></p><p>I must add that it would be a cold day in Hades when I'd pay for a grown child's cigarettes since they are so destructive and dangerous. I don't allow anyone to smoke near me, and that includes my grown kids. I have an easy job in this department. None of them smoke...lol. Ok, just teasing a bit. I don't see a viable change happening here, but wish you the best anyway.</p><p></p><p>Good luck <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 641410, member: 1550"] In a way you answered your own question. First, since he was so bright it is unlikely he will be seen as disabled so that is probably out. I assume he is probably involved in more drugs than you know. My daughter made us think it was just pot, but it was actually more. If your son is losing weight, getting aggressive, and not eating much suspect he uses meth more than you thin. I don't know why I thought I knew my daughter's private life. After she quit, and she did quit, she told me the whole ugly truth. I was appalled at how little I had known about her when she was using. Bad hygiene is also a red flag for drug abuse and, no, I don't mean pot, althugh, unlike you, I dont' think it's all right and made it clear of that and, except for Daughter, none of my kids used it and we certainly don't. Pot can be ok for some medicinal problems and I support that. So can Oxycontin. It is great for pain control. But for many people, both are abused and do not help, but hinder. That's where I have a problem. Mild recreational pot smoking, like social drinking if it is not every day, can be fine. The person can still function. Chronic, daily pot use, like chronic daily alcohol use, can harm the mind. And we never know which category we will fall into until we try it. I never messed with that stuff. Your son is not willing to thrive when you open doors for him. His is not growing up. He is not responsible. Why? Because you can show him the water, like that ole horse, but you can't make him drink. So the answer to your question, if you do not want to make him leave and if he refuses therapy, the good direction you have tried to point him in, or if he is unwilling to help himself at all and is just going to feel sorry for himself and talk about suicide (which is scary, but almost all of our kids tend to use this, sometimes because they feel badly and often to manipulate us into doing what they want), then your option is to live as you have been living. He won't change. Your life won't change. As long as he is at home, refusing to help himself, he won't change. Since he knows he can live with you indefinitely and that you will never tell him enough is enough, you and he will do this dance for the foreseeable future. As far as his kids, I can't see how they are benefiting by his being in their life. He is no role model. Likely the girls will move on and find maybe more stable men who will take over a more stable and consistent father role. Is your son paying his child support? I'm guessing not, since he isn't working. That isn't cool and his kids will certainly learn this as they get older. But...you can still try to live with him. It is YOUR decision, not ours. That IS an option. It is an option MANY parents take. There are 80 year old parents who have their 60 year old lazy, abusive, alcoholic son or daughter living off of them and they have given up their entire life to help this "child" and the child never changes anyway and two lives have been ruined. BUT...it is an option. You can certainly keep your son at home and keep doing what you're doing. I suggest you get yourself into therapy to help you cope. I must add that it would be a cold day in Hades when I'd pay for a grown child's cigarettes since they are so destructive and dangerous. I don't allow anyone to smoke near me, and that includes my grown kids. I have an easy job in this department. None of them smoke...lol. Ok, just teasing a bit. I don't see a viable change happening here, but wish you the best anyway. Good luck :) [/QUOTE]
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I need help with my oldest son who is 24
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