I need more help for difficult child, and don't know where to look or what to do.

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by StressedM0mma, Nov 28, 2011.

  1. StressedM0mma

    StressedM0mma Active Member

    difficult child seems to be falling further away from us. I am not sure where to turn. She has a p'doctor appointment on the 6th, and therapist on the 12th. She does ok, but then falls asleep on the couch, and then can't/won't get up to do H.W. or shower. How do I convince people that she needs help, and that we are at a loss as to what to do for her? The last time we took her to the psychiatric hospital. er they just told us she was depressed, and that we should follow up with-p&tdocs. How bad does it need to be for her to get help? Does she have to attempt to hurt herself? There has to be something we can say or do for them to help. I am at such a loss. It is just tearing our family apart. easy child is constantly hiding in her room. I am so sad I want to help her but she just screams at us and tells us to leave her alone she just wants to sleep. And if you try to physically move her she becomes violent. Not sure how much more of this I can handle.
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Often, psychiatric hospital will not take them unless immediate threat of harm to self or harm to others.

    Are there any mental health resources out there that you can discuss with? More in terms of them knowing what steps you can take and so on?
  3. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    I know the 6th is very far away, but could you ask to be placed on a cancellation list? I wonder if she needs a medication adjustment or is having an adverse reaction. Does she have an IEP at school? If so, it's time to call a meeting as her lack of home- and/or classwork appears to be because of her disabilty. Accomodations must be made. {{{Hugs}}} I can sense the frustration and fear in your post.
  4. StressedM0mma

    StressedM0mma Active Member

    We have been through many of them, and it seems like we are being passed around. Her psychiatrist appointment. didn't address much. But I know that is what usually happens. They passout the medications, and the therapist does the "work" so to say. I am just not sure how much more we can handle in our house. I hate to even admit that. I sound terrible saying I am not sure how much longer I can stand to have my daughter in my home. The disrespect screaming even the depression is becoming so bad that we just are unable to help. It seems everything we do makes it so much worse.
  5. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member


    YOU have to be in control of yourself, in order to be any help at all to difficult child.
    Its hard. But its vital.

    And yes... its going in circles and jumping hoops and never seeming to get anywhere. And it is FRUSTRATING.

    Once you've calmed your mind a bit, see if you can come up with a mental picture that separates your difficult child from the disorder. Because SHE is not the disorder and the disorder is not her. (esp. for things like anxiety and/or depression) She is a real person, who you love and care for. The problem is, she has a disorder that is very hard to work with and to live with. You're trying to get help so she can be the real person she is...

    The reason this is so vital, is that it affects how YOU respond/react to HER... which in turn affects how she responds/reacts... Breaking the cycle by being aware yourself of what is really happening, often helps, and sometimes helps significantly.

    Does the school have a counsellor that YOU can talk to about the mental illness issue? Not to get help (although they may have some idea of where you could go for more resources), but to get whatever accommodations are available to her? Like, sending some work home so she can still nominally keep up, reducing the load, etc. What you're looking for is ways to get through to Christmas break, really - by then, you'll have seen the psychiatrist and therapist...

    psychiatrist is "just" medications - but if medication reaction is part of the problem, that may be productive in itself... unfortunately, it usually takes time to make a medications switch.
  6. StressedM0mma

    StressedM0mma Active Member

    Thank you IC. It is hard to see outside the box when you feel trapped inside of it. I am trying very hard to let go of things. For some reason it is much harder to do with difficult child than it is/was with easy child. Right now I feel like I am treating her like a baby. "Okay sweetie it is time to get up..." Then after 45 minutes of trying to pry her out of bed, I just get so frustrated I often times lose it on her. And, I know that does not help, it just fuels her resistance. That is why I am wondering if there could be some ODD going on as well. I guess we will see when we go to the therapist on the 12th.
    I think it is time for me to seek out a therapist for myself. I am doing no one any favors by acting this way. I obviously need some new coping skills.
    I woke her up earlier to see if she wanted to shower this morning ans she decided not to. So I just said ok. I will be back up in 30 minutes to make sure you are up. Like all of you said, if she wants to go stinky, then by all means go ahead.
    I am going to pray today goes better than yesterday.
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Could she be drinking or using drugs? The "she falls asleep on the sofa" was a red flag for me. My daughter would sleep when she was using drugs (usually they use at night so that we are asleep and can't see). A lot of depressed people self-medicate.
  8. buddy

    buddy New Member

    As a teen, I slept and did not do drugs when depressed. Sleep was my refuge. I also did not eat though. I did do better when I was taking vitamins. I dont do that now, but I should, it is not a fix, I am not saying that, just saying for the energy. I would for sure be worried about drugs, especially pot with all the sleep, but if she is with you all of the time, it could just be the depression.

    Do you have in your area mental health case managers through the county. We have that here. Their job is to help you find resources and to coordinate those. They will help with financial assistance, even some things that are not income dependent as well. Just depends on the county/state you are in. Even if they dont take you, they may have a list of resources...I suspect they for sure do.... and you can do the calling yourself. I am with you and IC...the frustration of calling around to find appropriate help is maddening. She is right, we all need to actually breathe in those times. I literally can feel my jaw so tight and do shallow breathe. Can you relate to that?

    If it was me, and it was a month ago/a couple of weeks ago....(not same situation, but for sure a desperation for help).... I would not ask the doctor what he/she thinks. I would say ok, we are at our limit here. This absloutely can't go on and she is not functioning at all. We need a higher level of support. She needs intensive counseling either private, intensive out patient (which can be daily or a couple of days or a couple of half days, etc...depends on the person and the place) or to be in the hospital to change her medications safely. She is being aggressive and even if she denies that she at the moment is a threat to herself or others, her actions say differently.

    But that is just me, I do have times when, though polite, I will not drop the bone. If her school is not helping you, you are going to need private help through mental health systems. Still work on the school situation, she needs an IEP for emotional disorders if she does not have that (so sorry I can't remember). But she needs help now, I think I am hearing you say....so the wheels for that can turn while you are getting her help I would think.

    It is all easier said than done because you have already been calling everywhere, one of these times though a door has to open. I will keep postitve thoughts and prayers for you because you deserve a break for all the hard work you are doing and she definately needs it. You have seen little glimmers that she is still there, if this horrible illness can be controlled, she will improve. Call psychiatrists office and really let them know you are at a limit. two weeks is a long time, but fortunately it is not months....I wish they had to care for her and see what you are seeing for those two "short" weeks. uggg. The idea of a cancellation appointment is good because they happen all of the time especially in mental health offices. AND they DO have emergency appointments. Bring her in as she is, do not force a shower etc... they need to see she is not able to properly care for herself. It is one of the diagnostic symptoms they look at.

    Just random thoughts, I really feel for you and wish we could be there to actually hold your hand and let you know that we are here for you. YOU are doing great. The system is just letting you down right now.
  9. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    The whole "asleep on the couch" thing, and the "hard to wake up" factor...
    There's a couple more (at least) medical possibilities going on...
    1) sleep disorders - she may be getting quantity of sleep but not quality.
    2) narcoplexy - a medical condition that makes it a challenge to say awake

    I'm assuming the family doctor has done bloodwork - thyroid, iron, etc.?
  10. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    All sleeping and agitation with teens doesnt have to be drugs though it can be but I think you have said your dtr is hardly ever out of your sight. I do think you need help and it needs to be yesterday. Buddy has some excellent ideas about looking for help. At this point I might call her school and see if she would qualify for home schooling if you think that would help her out. If you can manage that. They would send out a tutor once a week or so to help her out. I dont know if you are a stay at home mom or not or if you have someone who could be with her during the day but it is an option.
  11. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry that things are getting worse but really glad that you are seeking support for yourself. Two things popped into my mind reading your post. Have you checked to see if her medication could be having this negative side effect? I am not an expert in the field but I do know I often read or hear warnings about medications causing deeper depression. The other thing that could be possible ?? regarding school is possible bullying issues. That sure is becoming an increasingly big problem. Hugs DDD
  12. StressedM0mma

    StressedM0mma Active Member

    DDD I think we are having issues with the medication, and I mentioned it to the psychiatrist, and all she did was increase the dose of Zoloft from 100 to 125. We had issues while she was on Celexa, but never like this. She still had anger outbursts, but the depression and anxiety were under better control then. Not perfect by any means but better. It has been a decline since she switched. And, I told the psychiatrist. I am going to be more assertive at the next visit. I was very nervous, the fist time, and she kind of poo pooed me. I think I am going to have to be much stronger with her the next time.
    And I know she was bullied some at the beginnning of the year. A boy liked her, and she told him to leave her alone because he made fun of a girl she knows that is anorexic. So he was verbally and physically bullying her. He called her names, and would throw food at her during lunch. Got to love the teachers that did nothing to stop it. One of my PCs make friends explained to the boy that if he did it again he would beat his :censored2:. (his words not mine) so that has now stopped.
  13. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Do you have the option of switching psychiatrists?
    You need someone who will LISTEN to the current situation and connect the dots WITH you.
  14. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I think, at least here anyway, that she would need to ask for homebound teaching... homeschooling she would have to withdraw her from school and sign up with a plan to do the homeschooling herself. Just in case you ask them, if you really mean you want them to teach at home, here anyway...it is called homebound instruction.
  15. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    I agree with Insane in that you need to find a psychiatrist that Listens. We have finally found one that does (though accessability is an issue) and it makes a world of difference. I was shocked into silence when she asked "what do you think?" at the end of our first appointment with her. I was NOT ever asked that by a psychiatrist (9 years worth) and it was a real shock to the system. So NOT normal for me.
  16. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I think I'd pull up the medication site and read all about it before the appointment. Recently I visited WebMD to look up osteoporosis medications and I saw patient comments for each medication. Somehow I never noticed that before (or maybe they just added it to the site) and it was hugely interesting. Perhaps her medication is also listed there and you can see if other parents are having similar problems.

    Sorry about the bullying. I'm glad it appears to be over but teens are so fragile I'd keep that in mind too. Hugs. DDD
  17. Jules71

    Jules71 Warrior Mom since 2007

    I can totally relate to this. And I know exactly what you mean about needing to find better ways for you to cope. I am in that boat too. So if you find something that works, please let me know. I want to run away sometimes. :(
  18. StressedM0mma

    StressedM0mma Active Member

    Jules you just made me laugh. I just posted on FB yesterday that I wanted to run away from home!! I am trying to find more effective ways to parent. But right now I am just trying to make it through each and every day with her. More than anything I just want to know WHAT is wrong with her. For some reason if I just know what her diagnosis is then I can work from there.
    I saw someone mention an emotional growth boarding school. That may be something my daughter needs. In some ways she is very mature, and in others she is very immature. Unfortunately, I am to blame for some of it. I think I let her get away with more than easy child. I would do things for her just to keep the peace around here. Now, we are dealing with the fallout.

    Buddy, thank you for your kind words. It is nice to have people that understand what day to day life is like. Others, even family just think if we were stricter and more rigid with her that she would begin to "follow the rules" and "snap out of it". Huh!! I never thought of that. Sometimes I want to say to them "here you take her for awhile and see if you can do better." Because if you can then please tell me how to do it!
  19. Jules71

    Jules71 Warrior Mom since 2007

    I would love to check out that boarding school. Do they take 9 year old boys? You should check out my other thread. I just posted about how I (we) have done things just to keep the peace and now we are suffering for it. I too would like to find out exactly what we are dealing with with difficult child - to get the right diagnosis's - but in the end I really don't think it will help. I think it's finding out what will work for him (no matter what the diagnosis) and so far we haven't found anything. And like me, you probably let her get away with more than easy child because easy child went along with it where difficult child didn't.
  20. StressedM0mma

    StressedM0mma Active Member

    At least you are getting help now. He is young, and can hopefully be more amendable to some behavior mod. I do let difficult child "get away" with more just to keep the peace sometimes. I have told everyone that she has NEVER and I really mean never done anything she has been told the first time it was asked of her. And if you ask again you get quit nagging me. Now I am not going to do it until I want to do it because you keep bugging me about it. Or we get in a couple minutes. And then she just "forgets". My husband grew up with an unmedicated bipolar mother, and no father, so he has little patience for her behaviors at times. He becomes frustrated feeling like he is trapped like he was as a child.