I need some advice

[I'm going crazy!!!]

star,

thank you for your advice it's pretty much what the psychiatrist said me and husband needed to do "get together a plan of discipline for what is totally not acceptable behavior in our house"

i love the illustration you used and i'm gonna print it out to give to my husband he loves maps and i think he can totally relate
see his mind doesn't work anything like mine either so i'm just having all kinds of fun with all these minds that don't work like mine

 

[nvts]

Hey! Totally confused yet? :rofl:

As you can see, we've all been there. Don't feel hurt or insulted about any of the comments that were written. Remember: you're talking to a group of people who've been living like this since their children started off on this path. Whether or not any of us also suffer from illness (whether physical, mental or both) everyone is speaking from their own experience. I can assure you that no one is trying to put you down.

Think of it this way: you're going to have to try a number of different things before you hit on something that works for your little guy. And here's the secret that most don't remember to tell: a lot of the time, just when you figure out which tactic works, WHAM! It doesn't work any more and you're back to square one.

I tend to think of myself as a boxer in training who is afraid of getting hit. "Bob and weave", keep your chin down, and dance until the round is over!

All of the opinions and suggestions are all offered with concern and caring. Sometimes we strike a nerve sometimes we get a good laugh, but there isn't anyone trying to add stress to an already stressful situation.

How's he doing today and more importantly, how're YOU doing?

Later!
Beth

 

[I'm going crazy!!!]

this morning was not fun he woke up at 3 am and about 5 he was soooooo hyper got his medications in him at 6 don't want to give too early because then they'll wear off at school before second dose

didn't want to be quiet we live with an older couple my husband use to work with and we split everything they never complain but hey they are trying to sleep you know anyway

he yelled because the tv was turned off and then because the door was shut and then because he didn't like the clothes i picked out which was because he refused to then the medications kicked in some and it was better

i'm shaking just thinking about this morning

GOOD NEWS HE'S DOING MUCH BETTER AT SCHOOL THIS YEAR THAN LAST THANK GOD

i really would rather he act like this at home than at school

hope i didn't offend anyone with my replies i'm sure i took it wrong and if i did i'm sorry

oh yeah you asked about me didn't you i'm ok, i'm always ok, just that kind of person you know go off and hide and cry some then everythings ok

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

The books that were suggested:

Out of Sync Child

and

The Explosive Child

Also, I keep seeing on the right margin of this site a book called

10 Days to a Less Defiant Child


All very good resources. It is going to take some undoing to get your son to understand a new way of discipline, if that is the road you choose to take. As a matter of fact, no I do not agree with washing a child's mouth our with soap. But know this, I am not one of those moms who sit there while my child tears up the house/school/store and says "now Sally, that's not nice, we don't dislocate other people's arms, do we?" A child can be disciplined without ever being touched. It can work. With any kid. And it is HARD work. It takes a lot of effort and consistency.

FWIW, I don't think Susie meant to twist your words. Whip and beat can and have been used interchangeably.

More importantly, we want to keep this a soft place and a safe place. We do not want anyone judging you. There is not one of us here who is perfect. We all are here to help eachother get through the common issues that we share.

If you ever feel uncomfortable on this site, at the hands of anyone, do not hesitate to PM a moderator.

 

[I'm going crazy!!!]

I am not one of those moms who sit there while my child tears up the house/school/store and says "now Sally, that's not nice, we don't dislocate other people's arms, do we?"

thanks i needed that i can tell by other posts i've read you are totally not that kinda mom

 

[Star*]

There is a very GOOD book out if your hubby reads that I suggest to a lot of people called Mapping - by Dr. Wilton Hellams

DF had very exact thinking on how children should be reared. Kid gets up, kid eats cereal, kid brushes teeth, kid gets dressed, kid gets his mess together, kid leaves on time for the bus, kid goes to school, kid gets along, kid gets good grades, kid gets on the bus, kid comes home, kid does homework, kid eats dinner, kid does chores, kid bathes, kid has a little free time, kid goes to bed.
(repeat)

AND IN a snowglobe that might work.

I tried to tell him that WE LIVE in the snowglobe that got shaken - violently, possibly by a non-tiring 3 year old.

Daily

I thought of another thing that nearly crippled me emotionally. I would ask for help, get suggestions and then go home and tell myself that NO ONE knew my kid like I did and my ideas were certainly going to be better. (ROFL) Yeah - that didn't work so well. Okay it did not work AT ALL. There is no shame in getting as much outside help with your kid and hubby as you can. Get some for yourself too.

 

[I'm going crazy!!!]

There is a very GOOD book out if your hubby reads that I suggest to a lot of people called Mapping - by Dr. Wilton Hellams

thanks i'll see if the library has it

DF had very exact thinking on how children should be reared. Kid gets up, kid eats cereal, kid brushes teeth, kid gets dressed, kid gets his mess together, kid leaves on time for the bus, kid goes to school, kid gets along, kid gets good grades, kid gets on the bus, kid comes home, kid does homework, kid eats dinner, kid does chores, kid bathes, kid has a little free time, kid goes to bed.
(repeat)

AND IN a snowglobe that might work.

I tried to tell him that WE LIVE in the snowglobe that got shaken - violently, possibly by a non-tiring 3 year old.

Daily

it was probably mine when he was that age

 

[susiestar]

I am sorry if I upset you. I completely reacted out of my own experience and it was too emotional. I will explain.

We had been seeing a variety of docs, but NO ONE would give us the referral to a psychiatrist. I wanted to KNOW what was wrong. I was told nothing was. I was told it was me. It was our discipline. It was the food he ate. It was b/e the moon is made of green cheese and is cut off, packaged up by little green men and then is shipped to us to give to our children and that is why they are so screwed up. Well, the last sentence is about the ONLY thing I was never told.

We got a recommendation to a therapist who was highly recommended. He was SUPPOSED to be wonderful at helping really tough kids begin to fit into the family and school.

Sound good to you?? It did to us.

We went to see him. We paid our fees, filled out our paperwork and went in to talk with the doctor. The other parents in the waiting room told us he had made HUGE changes for them.

We talk with Mr. Wonderful. We let him talk to difficult child. WE talk to him again. His first meeting was pretty much what you expect, it will take time, be consistent, etc...

The second meeting he began to talk about spanking. We were not big into spanking because it had never had ANY impact on difficult child's behavior. But we listened. He wanted us to give him "licks" with a belt whenever he did ANYTHING that was defiant. Not made a mistake, but actual defiance.

I was not against this, per say, but said spanking hadn't worked. WEll, he said, you were not doing it right. OKaaaay.

After a spanking we were supposed to have a child who would apologize on his own. Who would work NOT to do those things again.

Well, as I may have said, my difficult child never read a parenting book. And he didn't follow this plan either.

We used a belt. 3 differnt times. 2 times I did it, once my husband. We each came to the realization that our child could be "whipped" black and blue. It wasn't going to change.

The 3rd meeting started badly. The doctor said he needed to caution us. If asked, we were to not tell ANYONE that we used a belt on our child. WE were not supposed to "allow" social services to talk to our child. HUH?? Who brought them up was my question.

We flat out told the guy we would not hit our child again. It didn't matter how calm we were when we did it. It did not matter what we used or how many or few times, it did NOT WORK. (the last time difficult child actually DARED my husband to give him a few more, it didn't hurt.) We discussed this, and the doctor said that we would have lifelong problems with our child.

Yeah, and some were caused by him.

My son truly DID learn from this that it is OK to hit someone smaller than you. With ANYTHING.

We found out from the psychiatrist that we saw a few months later that it was against the law to use a belt on a child and that it is against the law for a doctor or therapist to tell a parent to do this. ADvocating hitting a child for any reason was against the law in that state. She turned this therapist in for this. I testified about it. It was scary and ugly.

Years later we were dealing with our difficult child feeling unsafe if we saw a new doctor. He was truly afraid that we would listen to someone else who told us to hit him. And, when he dared husband to hit him again it was bravado, a reaction totally out of fear.

I can tell from your posts that you love your son. I am very glad to hear he is not afraid of you. There was a time my son was afraid, and I hate that husband and I let it happen.

The hitting with a belt, and using hte word whipping were what made me react without really thinking about WHY I was reacting so strongly.

I am very sorry if I offended you or upset you.

We ALL parent differently, mostly because we all have different kids. The map of my son's brain probalby looks like a big ole bowl of spaghetti that no one put oil on when it was done. It is scrambled and all stuck together!!! We have come a LONG way.

I remember how exhausting it was when my difficult child was younger. He only slept a few hours, and was up before 5 am EVERY day until he became a teenager. Literally!!! I went for long periods on very little sleep, and we looked everywhere we could think of.

I hope you will forgive my reaction.

Hugs,

Susie

 

[ShakespeareMamaX]

A trick I used for some of my difficult child's outbursts was to give him a journal. Tell him he can write ANYTHING he wants in it (swears, bad names, etc...) and you have to vow NOT to look at it (even if you secretly peek while he's at school or away from the house at all). Surprisingly, it worked quite well with my difficult child and I found out some of the feelings he's never come out and told me.

We'll just say he was reeeeally mad at husband one day. :rofl:

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

I'm throwing out ideas as they come to me. Things that I have said to my difficult child over time that have seemed to work.

On the heels of Shakespeare mom's journal idea, I have told Tink that it is VERY VERY ok to be mad or angry. Here, here is a pillow that you can beat up. Here is the room that you may go and scream in.

I could not have told her that while she was acting like your child is now (and she WAS acting like that not too long ago). I stared by making a deal with her. No yelling allowed in the house (at another person). The softer you talk, they eventually stop yelling so the can hear what you are saying. We are not perfect, we yell occasionally. but it is SO much better.

Baskets. From the Explosive Child book. Basically choosing your battles. These are the things worth making a fuss over. These are not, so I will not risk a meltdown. There are SO many less meltdowns now.

Humor. Lots and lots of humor. Not to make the child think that you are their friend, but to let them know that life is not all serious. Also, let them see you vulnerable once in awhile. Kids need to know that their parents are not perfect.

A few months of instilling that, and I had a much more adjusted kid. Sure, she still threw fits. That's when I was able to offer her choices on how to handle her fits. She was calm enough to listen and understand.

it is a LONG LONG road. On one hand, it is nice to have another parent in the house. On the other hand, it is a curse, because unless he is willing to be with you 100%, it is very difficult. For me, it was only me, but I never had to argue with anyone.

You'll get there.

 

[Kjs]

I have to add another comment here.

My father used the belt on all of us kids. He was never angry when he did it. Neither were we by that time. Never on a bare bottom. He sat in the chair and we laid across his lap. We would get 1, 2 or three whacks over our clothes. We never got slapped, punched, pushed or verbally abused. There were no exchange of words, no voices raised, no arguing. It wasn't for small things. Very FEW times did this happen. We were not afraid of him. (friends were...lol because he had a loud voice, when he was talking) We respected him and it was his house.

Nobody would of ever thought to argue or manipulate him the way difficult child does me.

I do not believe Spanking this way is "beating".

 

[I'm going crazy!!!]

don't worry about it i think we both responded with our emotions it's really no big deal and of course i forgive you but i really don't feel you have anything to apologize for but thanks anyway