I Need Some Help and Ideas....

[DaisyFace]

For my own sanity, I need to stop worrying so much and I need to stop being so hard on myself...

I have made it my "New Year's Resolution".

So here I am, Monday, January 3rd -

and I am upset after finding out difficult child has been sending messages to guys that essentially promise them sex, but make it clear that her mean ol' parents are standing in the way, and if he would only DO something...then they'll be together.

These messages freak me out on many levels.

But I am trying to "let it go", detach, "stop worrying so much" as per my Resolution.

So...

How do I do that?

Ideas? Suggestions?

 

[tiredmommy]

You make a plan on what you will do with this info as you come across it. Having an underage mentally ill daughter doesn't allow you to stop protecting her; you must devise a plan so that the info is handled effectively with as little fuss as possible from you (think low emotional effect here). Maybe save the texts electronically and give to her therapist at regular intervals? Also, you will want to do quick checks on these guys to ensure that they aren't predatory adults targeting her. It's different, in my opinion, if she's texting boys she goes to school rather than the 18+ crowd. Not right, mind you, but different.

 

[DammitJanet]

In this day and age, you have to worry so much about this sexting stuff. Kids can get into trouble with the law and end up with felonies and sexual offender charges that hang on them for life. That just astounds me when you are dealing with emotionally immature kids who cant understand that sending a picture of themselves in their underwear to their boyfriend by way of a text message is actually committing kiddie porn. Lord knows how bad it gets if they take their tops off!

I would have been in heaps of trouble as a teen! LOL. I actually sent a picture into Hustler wearing only a mens dress shirt and nothing else. It was open down the front and you could see everything. I was 18 though. I actually made it into their "girl next door" section...lmao. My claim to fame!

Arent you glad you arent raising me?

 

[DaisyFace]

You make a plan on what you will do with this info as you come across it. Having an underage mentally ill daughter doesn't allow you to stop protecting her; you must devise a plan so that the info is handled effectively with as little fuss as possible from you (think low emotional effect here). Maybe save the texts electronically and give to her therapist at regular intervals? Also, you will want to do quick checks on these guys to ensure that they aren't predatory adults targeting her. It's different, in my opinion, if she's texting boys she goes to school rather than the 18+ crowd. Not right, mind you, but different.

TM--

This is a good point....I guess I'm not sure HOW to protect her these days...she is so determined to seek these guys out! And some of them are well over 18. From what I gather, she doesn't even "know" these people. She will search her friend's FB pages - and ask them about photos of good-looking guys. Then she will "Friend" them, exchange all kinds of IM's about how cute she thinks they are and eventually arrange to meet up somewhere.

And of course, this is all arranged out of sight of her parents (remember all the "missed bus" baloney?)

husband has been trying to give her examples about what can happen to young women out looking for trouble - but it's in one ear and out the other.

 

[DaisyFace]

Janet--

You would put me in a early grave!!!

 

[DammitJanet]

DF...at least I survived!

 

[busywend]

Take away her electronics - for a long time. I did this for years with my difficult child. Believe it or not it was at school that she got on the computer or others phones. I had even refused to sign their release allowing her on the computer at school. I had to call them every other week as I learned about more computer usage at school.
When it is safety you are after you have to be drastic. Since she can not follow the rules that are put in place to keep her safe....she does not get the privilege of using a cell or computer. Period. Do not even give an end date - it is not a punishment. It is a necessity. You will decide when you have seen an improvement in her ability to stay safe.

 

[timer lady]

DF, kt's risk taking behaviors exploded shortly after husband died. She promised sex to one of wm's foster brothers if said "brother" would kill wm (wiping a tear of motherly pride as I write this) through texting.

Immediately kt lost her cell phone for over a year if not longer. That is one way to protect your difficult child.

Saying the above, I'm learning slowly, through exploration of Taoism & Buddhism, a way of calm & peace. In the same right I'm learning to care about me before others. That's been my problem all along (& yours I bet); putting my children, my husband first. I'm here to tell you that hasn't worked. Made things worse all around.

It's difficult to let go of those chaotic emotions that our difficult child brings into our lives. We spend years doubting our parenting, our skills as a human being.

"Why is it that doubt has such conviction? Why is it that conviction is so vulnerable to doubt?" This has become a mantra to me of late, when I'm in that state where I question all I've done. Every decision I made with such conviction & look back & think did I do right by the tweedles?

There is a way you can teach yourself to "self calm". To reach that state of knowing that you've done & will do everything to protect difficult child & not lose yourself in the process. Not lose your marriage or your sense of family. That state will be achieved.

DF, with time, with acceptance & self care your resolution will come to be. Give yourself a break ~ it's not going to happen over night. It's a process ~ let it happen.

 

[shellyd67]

I agree with the others, the phone and computer are off limits ... And Janet my, my LOL

 

[AnnieO]

husband has been trying to give her examples about what can happen to young women out looking for trouble - but it's in one ear and out the other.

Unfortunately, DF - that right there is typical teen. Remember, all teenagers know more than their parents. All of them. So it's not the subject - it's the fact that a parent is saying it. Kind of like the way we are still trying to convince Onyxx that hanging her chest and butt cleavage out for the world to see isn't going to get her respected...

on the other hand, your difficult child has the "ignore the parents" mantra down to a science. I keep hoping and praying that the aliens that took the difficult child part of Onyxx come to get yours, too. (Honestly, I wouldn't trade the typical teen stuff for anything! It's cake now... Mostly.)

 

[busywend]

DF, once the safety things are taken away - there is something to be said for 'what you don't know, won't hurt you'. I stopped trying to know what my difficult child was up to and peace ensued. I figured she was doing the same things I did and I survived - LOL!
Seriously, how many things did you do that if your mom knew she would kill you??!! Do not try to learn of things that will upset you. This is of course aside from the safety things.

 

[susiestar]

I completely agree with taking away ALL access to electronics. She scours her friends' facebook for guys? She gets no access to facebook. Period. Take her phone, lock up the computers, tell school she is NOT to have ANY access to computers. Teachers will TRY to tell you that they cannot teach with-o the computer. They are NOT being truthful. It is more work for them but they CAN teach with-o the computer. Many of them did it for DECADES when at most they had ONE computer in the room. IF they had that. Be insistent, don't let her spend time with friends if she can use their computers. Go in and shut down her facebook, etc...

It isn't easy, but it IS important. make SURE the school knows you will hold them accountable for ANY access to phones/computers at school because she is trolling for people to hurt the family. ANYONE that comes to hurt you and can be traced back to computer access at school will result in a lawsuit against the school. Just saying this will make most schools take all computer access away. We had to threaten it when Wiz was going nuts online - and he had a sp ed teacher feeding his computer compulsions and delusions!

After that, make sure her friends' parents know that she is to have NO access because she is seeking dangerous things and that if their kids allow her to have internet access on their phones/computers it can be held against them in a court of law if anyone comes to hurt you - the other parents will stop her access if htey have any sense and most will, even if they think you are crazy.

Once the safety stuff is done, let what you can go. Ignore as much as possible for your own peace of mind.

Work on meditation if you can. There are a lot of different guided meditations out there - find one that you like and use it.

I am sorry it is so hard to raise a difficult child. NOTHING you tell your difficult child is going to be believed. I am sorry.

 

[HaoZi]

I would worry what she means by "do something" for your own safety. I also agree to remove the electronics, blacklist FB, myspace, myyearbook, whatever sites she's using in your computer settings and make sure she can't override that if she happens to find a way to get on the computer at home. If you think she would go to the library or internet cafes in the area, try to see if there is some way to prevent her access there, too (I think blocking at school is a given).
My daughter's school you have to sign a permission slip for your kid to be allowed internet access (as opposed to non-internet computers), and I can yank that permission at any time I please. She will still be able to use the other computers for tests and whatever other things they do, but not internet.