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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 749869" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I am trying to figure out how to respond to this. Would I even want to go to this workshop? Could I go there and be vulnerable and heal? I mean. In my private life I am sensitive to things. I am not the kind of person who lets things wash over them. Things that hurt me, hurt me. When I allow myself to be vulnerable, I am.</p><p></p><p>I am feeling like this workshop even if turns out I am permitted to go, is kind of ruined for me. There was the whole trek. It would take me about 6 to 8 hours to get there on the train. Then there is all of the time away from home. The workshop would be intense. Then there would be the expense beyond the $700 I have already paid. Another $1000 or more for hotel. $1500 for the workshop *yet to be paid and all of my meals in an expensive place where nothing will be cheap. This is a lot of money for me.</p><p></p><p>But the real thing would be, how could I let myself be vulnerable enough to heal?</p><p></p><p>I am thinking I would not want to go. Under any circumstances.</p><p></p><p>Is that right? Am I cutting off my nose to spite my face? Should I not allow this exchange with the wife/secretary color my expectations and openness to something good coming of the workshop. If the whole aim is to change, should I not try to change, to rise my limitations?</p><p></p><p>I am of divided mind here. Part of me thinks I need to pay attention to the information I am getting. Another part of me is discounting it, and blaming myself. Like. I must have misunderstood and took it personally. Or I must have said something wrong that is responsible for her saying what she did. That kind of thing.</p><p>I keep thinking I shouldn't have listened to the Rabbi. She was adamant I should bring this up to the leader. I could not see why, because I had already disclosed the IBS on the application. (They asked about illnesses.)</p><p></p><p>But what pushed me over to the side of reaching out to the guy, was that I figured it would ultimately be in my interests to be fully transparent. Not just about the objective condition of IBS but about my anxiety.</p><p></p><p>Because I am of the same mind as EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU. That I should have compassion for myself, and others WHO ARE DOCTORS should have compassion for me, and everybody else that suffers. And that to have the expectation that I be treated compassionately, was a correct expectation. So, ultimately, I believed I had nothing to risk to speak, because I did nothing wrong. And there is nothing wrong with me.</p><p></p><p>My only concern was that the leader/guy (like the Rabbi) might think that I needed more healing before I traveled and submitted myself to something so arduous and stressful. In my wildest dreams I would never have imagined that I could be considered to be in any way threatening to others.</p><p></p><p>She didn't mean (I don't think) that other's would catch IBS. I think she meant that if I had an event in the workshop (there are bathrooms, so I don't get that) that it would be stressful to the other participants. But really. This is ridiculous. Anybody at any time is subject to having a heart attack or an attack of projectile vomiting...an Ebola attack, or any other thing...out of the blue. Why pick on me? And it doesn't make sense. There are specific illnesses that are correlated with and caused by trauma. If you have geared your workshop towards this population, why would you discriminate against a trauma-related condition?</p><p></p><p>In my work I have submitted myself to the worst stressors and danger that is possible in my field. And I was centered, calm, focused, highly effective and compassionate. I am not boasting here. I am saying that never in a million years would I put myself in a situation where I would cause harm to others because of prioritizing my own needs, indifference or irresponsibility. I would just never do that. That's just not who I am or want to be.</p><p></p><p>This is really insulting to me.</p><p></p><p>I can't believe I am still blaming myself.</p><p></p><p>I have to hold to my original idea. That only good would come from being transparent. Good information.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 749869, member: 18958"] I am trying to figure out how to respond to this. Would I even want to go to this workshop? Could I go there and be vulnerable and heal? I mean. In my private life I am sensitive to things. I am not the kind of person who lets things wash over them. Things that hurt me, hurt me. When I allow myself to be vulnerable, I am. I am feeling like this workshop even if turns out I am permitted to go, is kind of ruined for me. There was the whole trek. It would take me about 6 to 8 hours to get there on the train. Then there is all of the time away from home. The workshop would be intense. Then there would be the expense beyond the $700 I have already paid. Another $1000 or more for hotel. $1500 for the workshop *yet to be paid and all of my meals in an expensive place where nothing will be cheap. This is a lot of money for me. But the real thing would be, how could I let myself be vulnerable enough to heal? I am thinking I would not want to go. Under any circumstances. Is that right? Am I cutting off my nose to spite my face? Should I not allow this exchange with the wife/secretary color my expectations and openness to something good coming of the workshop. If the whole aim is to change, should I not try to change, to rise my limitations? I am of divided mind here. Part of me thinks I need to pay attention to the information I am getting. Another part of me is discounting it, and blaming myself. Like. I must have misunderstood and took it personally. Or I must have said something wrong that is responsible for her saying what she did. That kind of thing. I keep thinking I shouldn't have listened to the Rabbi. She was adamant I should bring this up to the leader. I could not see why, because I had already disclosed the IBS on the application. (They asked about illnesses.) But what pushed me over to the side of reaching out to the guy, was that I figured it would ultimately be in my interests to be fully transparent. Not just about the objective condition of IBS but about my anxiety. Because I am of the same mind as EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU. That I should have compassion for myself, and others WHO ARE DOCTORS should have compassion for me, and everybody else that suffers. And that to have the expectation that I be treated compassionately, was a correct expectation. So, ultimately, I believed I had nothing to risk to speak, because I did nothing wrong. And there is nothing wrong with me. My only concern was that the leader/guy (like the Rabbi) might think that I needed more healing before I traveled and submitted myself to something so arduous and stressful. In my wildest dreams I would never have imagined that I could be considered to be in any way threatening to others. She didn't mean (I don't think) that other's would catch IBS. I think she meant that if I had an event in the workshop (there are bathrooms, so I don't get that) that it would be stressful to the other participants. But really. This is ridiculous. Anybody at any time is subject to having a heart attack or an attack of projectile vomiting...an Ebola attack, or any other thing...out of the blue. Why pick on me? And it doesn't make sense. There are specific illnesses that are correlated with and caused by trauma. If you have geared your workshop towards this population, why would you discriminate against a trauma-related condition? In my work I have submitted myself to the worst stressors and danger that is possible in my field. And I was centered, calm, focused, highly effective and compassionate. I am not boasting here. I am saying that never in a million years would I put myself in a situation where I would cause harm to others because of prioritizing my own needs, indifference or irresponsibility. I would just never do that. That's just not who I am or want to be. This is really insulting to me. I can't believe I am still blaming myself. I have to hold to my original idea. That only good would come from being transparent. Good information. [/QUOTE]
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