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General Parenting
I need some wise advice here for something that has been deeply troubling
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 627247" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>I think it's better to leave family out of it, but I have a loony family. I think it is best though not to expose difficult child's problems to anyone except somebody you KNOW you can trust to keep it to oneself, like a long time trusted friend, a therapist, parents from a twelve step group, or here or all three. In my experience, family gets too bossy and controlling and it is very awkward when one person, no matter how damaged, feels like the bad guy in a family and judged by a lot of bossy family members. I talk very little about my son's issues to my DNA collection, as I call them (as they are ALL a mess). Why share my son with a mess of people, some who can be vindictive? Now I don't know the dynamics of your family, but it sounds like they take what you say and add to the drama by acting out on your difficult child.</p><p></p><p>I don't feel it's even appropriate to tell Mom and Dad unless they can be discreet, treat your child with love, keep what they know to themselves (no gossip)...and that usually doesn't work. They tell your siblings and suddenly you have an entire gang knowing everything your child did and, on top of that, a collection of folks who just don't understand why you can't handle your daughter. I think it's best to keep family seperate, even Mom and Dad. Maybe I'm thinking of my own family, but I never told my mom or dad about the troubles I had with my kids. They WERE judgmental and DID tell the world.</p><p></p><p>A difficult child is hard enough. Most of us sort of have difficult child families too, which makes it doubly hard. Then Mom and Aunt Nellie and Cousin Kate and Uncle John and smug Kissing Cousin Mellie can all tell you what you are doing wrong and what THEY would do and how this would never happen to THEIR child. by the way, you are a GOOD parent. You happen to have given birth to a differently wired child and NOBODY could parent her easily. Sounds like you're getting a lot of self-righteous advice from.....family? I'd start to leave difficult child out of your conversations and just say, "I've decided to share this with a therapist only. I think it's best." Too bad if they don't like it, by the way.</p><p></p><p>It just causes more angst.Nobody knows too much about my son in my family. It's none of their business.</p><p></p><p>I would keep it to a neutral outsider or a self-help group that is sworn to secrecy.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 627247, member: 1550"] I think it's better to leave family out of it, but I have a loony family. I think it is best though not to expose difficult child's problems to anyone except somebody you KNOW you can trust to keep it to oneself, like a long time trusted friend, a therapist, parents from a twelve step group, or here or all three. In my experience, family gets too bossy and controlling and it is very awkward when one person, no matter how damaged, feels like the bad guy in a family and judged by a lot of bossy family members. I talk very little about my son's issues to my DNA collection, as I call them (as they are ALL a mess). Why share my son with a mess of people, some who can be vindictive? Now I don't know the dynamics of your family, but it sounds like they take what you say and add to the drama by acting out on your difficult child. I don't feel it's even appropriate to tell Mom and Dad unless they can be discreet, treat your child with love, keep what they know to themselves (no gossip)...and that usually doesn't work. They tell your siblings and suddenly you have an entire gang knowing everything your child did and, on top of that, a collection of folks who just don't understand why you can't handle your daughter. I think it's best to keep family seperate, even Mom and Dad. Maybe I'm thinking of my own family, but I never told my mom or dad about the troubles I had with my kids. They WERE judgmental and DID tell the world. A difficult child is hard enough. Most of us sort of have difficult child families too, which makes it doubly hard. Then Mom and Aunt Nellie and Cousin Kate and Uncle John and smug Kissing Cousin Mellie can all tell you what you are doing wrong and what THEY would do and how this would never happen to THEIR child. by the way, you are a GOOD parent. You happen to have given birth to a differently wired child and NOBODY could parent her easily. Sounds like you're getting a lot of self-righteous advice from.....family? I'd start to leave difficult child out of your conversations and just say, "I've decided to share this with a therapist only. I think it's best." Too bad if they don't like it, by the way. It just causes more angst.Nobody knows too much about my son in my family. It's none of their business. I would keep it to a neutral outsider or a self-help group that is sworn to secrecy. [/QUOTE]
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