I need strength, fairy dust, whatever

[BusynMember]

We actually got a tatoo, a very kind one "Family is Everything" for Jumper as a graduation present. We are not against discreet tatoos and hers does not show with her shirts on plus she is very clean cut when she dresses. I didn't see the big deal. So we paid for it and it wasn't cheap. But, and this is the upshot, Jumper has been a school star and a precious child at home. She does not beg for stuff. If we would have said no tatoo, she would have waited until she turned eighteen, then worked to pay for one and not defy us by getting some idiot to make his own tatoo on her skin. The tatoo is not a big deal to me.

What your son is doing beside the tatoo is a big deal. And again he is blaming the hookah on somebody else. I again don't believe him. And I'd be angry he was choosing these friends and his money train would have been cut off as soon as I found out he or somebody else was drinking in my car. It's against my rules. I don't try to find out the truth. I know I may never know everything. I did hold my kid accountable for everything that I knew about and if she started to say it was for somebody else or somebody else did it, she got the same consequences she would have gotten if I had caught her doing it. Moral of the story: If by chance you ARE innocent (which I admit I doubted), then if you hang around with somebody who would have those things on him and leave them in my car or take something from MY house, you pay the price. I am not concerned with other peoples problem kids and what they do. I only cared about my own child. I can not be a detective trying to find out the intricacies of every mishap.

Did you give him the Gameboy and Laptop? I'm a little confused. I'm sorry but nobody gives away those items. I am thinking...they are stolen? Maybe they were stolen and he had to pay them and that's where some of your money went. If my kid came home with a laptop that didn't belong to him, I would ask a lot of questions.

If I were you (and I know I'm not) your kid would be walking around without any chance of driving my vehicle again, not allowed to bring H. to the house, he would have told H. about the STD in front of me (seems that has fallen by the wayside), and most likely he would be straddling either getting good grades without our nagging, working full time, or leaving our hosue and being the man he claims he is because he is eighteen. It isn't easy, but I did do it and it did work at least here.

I am a very soft touch with my grown kids unless they break the law or go postal on me. Frankly, I am starting to understand that Bart only goes postal when he is under stress and, if I"m honest, so do I. I'm much better at it than he is, but I'm older. Under pressure at his age, not so much. I believe I now have no problem kids, and that feels good. They're all productive and good to me (unless Bart is under pressure).

Please, please hold your son accountable. It will pay off. In spades. It may take time, but he is a good person inside.

 

[Childofmine]

I heard the whole hookah story early on too. I didn't even know what it was but I was told it was fun, "didn't hurt you" and hey mom why don't you come do it with me?...strawberry margarita flavor tastes great...and it's only $10 a person.

My head was spinning and I had no idea of the depth that was to come.

Keep it simple. Think about this: what he gets from you at this point, with his current behavior, should include no rewards or privileges.

You will never know what he is really doing, clean or not clean. We can't walk around 24/7 living somebody elses life.

Assume there are volumes you know nothing about.

Go on his actions and his behaviors...not his words and his promises.

If his actions and behaciors are not good, assume every word is a lie.

I am sorry for the dizzy tailspin you are in. I understand what you are going through because I have been right where you are and I remember it very clearly.

Take a giant step back. Watch and wait. Offer little to nothing to him. Don't talk much...keep silent. When you are going nuts, get away from him and cry, sleep, scream and pound a pillow. When the crazies pass, do something kind for yourself.

He must learn that actions have consequences. This is adult stuff and it is necessary for survival in this world. I believe this is the #1 lesson our difficult child kids and young adults must learn in order to change.

Hang in there. We are here for you.

 

[HeadlightsMom]

TerryJ2 -- Sending many wishes for strength your way right now! Take care and maybe you can find something wonderful to replenish you along the way. Something which has nothing to do with your son at all........ something which refreshes you. I know it doesn't take the pain away, but it does refill our gas tanks to cope with the pain.

We deserve to live our lives, too!

Sending you all the best, TerryJ2. Take care......

 

[TerryJ2]

Yes, this: "Go on his actions and his behaviors...not his words and his promises."

 

[TerryJ2]

The laptop was given to him by a friend last yr. He's got a really dysfunctional family and they buy lots of electronics and junk for the kids, but barely make enough money to get by. They are getting a divorce. (Maybe this is one of the reasons?)

 

[BusynMember]

So they GAVE it to him? He didn't have to pay for it?

To me, that doesn't pass the smell test. I would have asked the parents before I allowed my kid to bring home a laptop that didn't belong to him.

 

[TerryJ2]

His mom is a flake. The dad has anger issues. Half the time, they don't know what the kids are doing. The other half, they don't care. The first time this kid stayed overnight at our house, I called his mom (that was a 1/2 hr struggle, to get her ph # because the kid didn't want to give it to me!) and she was very blase'. I thought, wth, what if I were a serial killer? I stopped by the house several times to chat her up and she warmed up a bit, but basically, like I said, she's a flake.
I have no idea where he originally got it from, although I think it was from his grandmother. They were always getting tons of electronics for bdays and Christmas. Unbelievable. Really.
His dad gave him the family truck--BEFORE he even took driver's ed. Let him drive it around the block a few times. Alone.
The elevator doesn't go to the top.

 

[Lil]

Half the time, they don't know what the kids are doing. The other half, they don't care.

Ugh. Why do our kids gravitate toward those type of friends? I remember when ours was still in high school, having a friend who was still a minor come over (J-2 was one of the first) and it would start getting late and say, "Hey is it okay if J-2 (or C or W) crash here for the night?" I'd say, "Does your mom (grandma or aunt or whoever) know where you are?"

The usual answer was something like, "It's okay, she doesn't care where I spend the night." About made me cry.

I'd make them call their mom or whoever they lived with and give me the phone - at least the first time - and sure enough, the mom didn't particularly care where they were - didn't know me from Adam - didn't know if I lived in the projects or a crack-house instead of the suburbs. I had ONE mom out of many thank me for calling.

When we decided to let J-2 live with us for the second semester of our son's junior year (not J-2's, he only had freshman credits from all the bouncing around and missing school...and failing), I met his mother ONE time. I had never even spoken to her! The boys - 16 years old - had come to us and asked if he could move in. I demanded that she come to the house and talk to us before we'd say yes, and we'd give her the power of attorney there. She came, visited for 1/2 hour or so and left. We never saw her again, not even when J-2 brought his stuff - he and my son went to get it. I talked to her on the phone once and texted once or twice. She just moved two states away and left him with total strangers. I still find it incredibly sad.

 

[TerryJ2]

I understand. Kids raising kids, and kids raising themselves. And they often replace what should be parental love with the "support" of drugs and gangs.

Our kids do gravitate toward those types.

 

[TerryJ2]

Pasajes, by the way, I never planned to pay for his tattoo. Must have gotten lost in the translation.