I need strength.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by CrazyinVA, May 20, 2008.

  1. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    This is a long vent. I just needed to put it somewhere,other than my blog. I'm frustrated, and worried.

    As Youngest finally turns the corner and gets ready to move out on her own (June 6th is the official moving day), Oldest is decompensating again. No surprise, really, as this has been a life-long cycle for them, sometimes one is in a crisis, then the other, or both at once, even … rarely are both them actually OUT of crisis at the same time. Sometimes I swear, the fact that one is calming down and stabilizing is actually a catalyst for the other to DE-stabilize .. especially Oldest.

    Oldest got married last July, to an Army man she’d known for three months. I was of course skeptical of this marriage, but tried to be a supportive mom. I even bought her wedding dress (which I really couldn’t afford, but mom guilt got the best of me). Several months ago, she confided in me that she suspected her husband was an alcoholic (ironic, since Oldest is addicted to prescription pain medications herself). Her husband ended up in rehab … hooked up with another woman … got her pregnant .. and is now AWOL. Oldest was left without a car, without an income (she'd quit working while they were married), without a place to live. The military has not been much help to her, the JAG office won’t represent her because he asked them to represent him first. Hubbie wiped out their bank accounts, overdrew them, even. Finding a legal aid attorney that knows military law isn’t easy. Anyway .. as much as she’s screwed up in the past, I did feel badly for her in this case (never mind she shouldn’t have married a guy she only knew 3 months). She found a place to live, on the bus line. I paid her first month’s rent and utilities, bought her a bus pass, and bought her groceries, to give her a boost. She has tons of waitressing experience, so finding a job should not be a problem.

    Yet here we are three weeks later. She claims she has applied for tons of jobs. Yet, she’s not followed up on any (just says no one has called her back), and left out several restaurants that are right on the bus route. She asked me to buy her a loaf of bread last Friday, but went out partying over the weekend with friends (she should ask them to buy her bread instead of her bar tab next time). I let her borrow my car to run some errands a couple weeks ago, and she got pulled over and discovered her license has been suspended for the past TWO YEARS. I offered her money if she’d clean my apartment, she came over and sat on my computer for 4 hours instead of cleaning. She calls me every so often crying that she thinks she may admit herself to the hospital (a common thing, when she’s down and out, the hospital is an escape). Through the grapevine (aka youngest the snitch), I find she’s slept with several men in the past 2 weeks, and is trying to find someone to take care of her that way. She called yesterday crying because one of her roommates didn’t pay the rent, and they got an eviction notice. yada, yada, yada. So much drama.

    So. While she really was dealt a bum rap with the husband and his girlfriend and AWOL and the Army, she continues to react the same way she always does, flailing about, looking for someone else to take care of her. If she does admit herself to the hospital again, the cycle is that she will stay on whatever medications the hospital gives her until they run out, and will not keep outpatient appointments. Not to mention, upon discharge, I have to calmly explain to the social worker why she can NOT go home with me. Too much history, too much drama, too much.. everything.

    She’s hinted to Youngest that she wants to move in with me after Youngest moves out. That CAN NOT HAPPEN. Not only does it not make sense because I am nowhere near a busline and there are no jobs to walk to, but I will NOT give up my well-earned freedom, moving one drama queen out and another one in. Oldest has stolen from me, lied to me, and is generally unpleasant when she's stayed with me for even brief periods.. so, no. Not gonna happen.

    So, I am steeling myself for the storm ahead. I know it will not be pretty. I will once again be the mean mom. I will be turning away my daughter as she is about to become homeless. If I point out how she’s done much of this to herself, it means I never say anything nice about her, always criticize her, never help her. She is 24 years old. Moving home should not be her goal, becoming independent should be her goal. I am 46 years old. I'm just so done with living with difficult child drama, I could scream, or jump off a cliff, or move to Aruba. No, no, no. The thought of living alone, in a house that is as quiet and clean (or dirty) as *I* want it to be?! Is about to come true... it's like, Nirvana... I am SO READY for that.

    Ahhh the next few weeks will be interesting.

    Thanks for reading.
  2. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat


    So sorry for your hurt. Stay strong. She will need to fall down, or she will never learn how to stand up.
  3. chrisdog01

    chrisdog01 New Member

    Sometimes I think venting to others with similar issues is such a relief and gives me strength to do what I think is right. Sorry this is such a painful time for you.
  4. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

  5. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Sending lots and lots of {{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Sending a whole big basket just overflowing with hugs (and Hershey's Kisses!). I am so sorry you are going to be faced with all the conflama (conflict plus drama equals conflama).

    Stay strong, keep the nest empty after Youngest moves out, and pamper yourself!! Maybe read up on the detachment stuff again would help?


  7. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Here's to Nirvana!



    and by the way - you aren't the mean Mom - YOU ARE A FANTASTIC Mom to be able to look past your own hurt and allow your kids to fall and realize their mistakes.

    Hugs - loads of them
  8. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I know you will be strong, so that you can be happy. You deserve that. Tell her she can't move in, and stand your ground. Decide what you are willing (and unwilling) to help with, let her know, then stick with it.

    It sounds like she doesn't understand where the line is, so she's pushing the envelope. If it's nothing, it's nothing. If it's a little, define the little. If you'll give her more, let her know what it is that she has to do in order to earn it.

    {{{{{{{Big hugs}}}}}}}} You deserve a break. Let yourself have one.
  9. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Ahhhhhhhhh....well, we've been through worse times together, Crazy. I know you can do this. Your head...and heart....are both in the right place.