Copabanana
Well-Known Member
I am having a great deal of panic and pain. This is not a crisis. And nobody is at risk. Not even me. But I feel horrible. That's the issue I need help with. And I need help to decide the strongest and most compassionate way to respond to the circumstances I am in. I want to be kind to myself but at the same time not sell myself short.
I enrolled in 2 art courses, and they are triggering me.
Background: As a hobby I enroll in online courses at different universities and community colleges. Just in the last year, I have completed successfully art courses, language study such as a year of Hebrew, and I got my permaculture design certificate.
My plan to get through social isolation was to enroll in these art classes. I bought all of my books and materials which were a considerable investment. At this moment I am enrolled in 2D design and watercolor.
I have a history of trauma and sometimes I get overwhelming reactions in ways I can't anticipate. For example, more than 40 years ago I took Chemistry at night because I wanted to go to medical school. I was at the top of the class as long as the work was centered in mathematics. When the course shifted to the laboratory and solutions, I was destabilized in panic that would not resolve. Nevertheless I persevered and finished the year long course while working full time. Only much later did I let myself off the hook and changed career plan. At the time this was the right thing to do for myself.
I am uncertain why the artwork triggers me, and the watercolor painting is worse than the design. I think it has something to do with the liquids, but as I recall, when I took oil painting about 11 years ago I couldn't do it either.
M asked me: Why do you make yourself do things that are so distressing to you? I don't know the answer. It's not written that everybody needs to be an artist. I have choice here. But I did artwork enjoyably and un selfconsciously as a small child. And I also know that if I could actually come to tolerate what I feel in my body, I could have a sense of self-mastery and tranquility and self-knowledge that I lack now. I want to grow to feel more inside of myself. But this course is making me feel terror. It's triggering me. I can't relax enough to understand the demonstration videos. There is no joy. No accomplishment. Just terror. Pure terror.
This was compounded when M came over this morning to "help" me. He begins by this loud and strident rant about how the teacher's assignment was misguided and wrong, that i should work with other colors and do a different assignment than that which was required. I felt like I had entered a garbage disposal by mistake.
I fell apart. Dissolved. He left. I came to the decision that I should just drop the course. That nothing in the world is worth feeling this way. That the lesson here was not the course. The life lesson was self-compassion and allowing myself to retreat. That kindness to myself was the key. Not forcing myself to go where there felt to be self-dissolution and pain.
But I feel so, so bad for myself. About myself. So, so sad that something so simple undoes me. And yet everything in me is fighting to run away from this. I DON"T WANT TO DO THIS. And yet I cannot find the kindness in myself, the self-care that makes this okay. It's a classic double bind. There's no going ahead, and there's no retreat. I want to do something that makes me nearly scream with agony. But the thought of leaving only makes me feel despair and self-hatred.
I know what I am describing is a scene from my childhood, when there was in fact no escape. And only writing this am I able to breathe, and to see that there is no wrong answer. Because I am not a child. I am old enough to be at risk for Coronavirus. With dignity, I get to drop a class if I choose. It's not a mistake. It's not because I am a bad or limited person. It's just dropping a class if I choose. Or not.
But I still don't know what to do. Because I invested myself in the hope of doing this, and I'm having a hard time letting myself off the hook.
What do you think? Thank you very much.
I enrolled in 2 art courses, and they are triggering me.
Background: As a hobby I enroll in online courses at different universities and community colleges. Just in the last year, I have completed successfully art courses, language study such as a year of Hebrew, and I got my permaculture design certificate.
My plan to get through social isolation was to enroll in these art classes. I bought all of my books and materials which were a considerable investment. At this moment I am enrolled in 2D design and watercolor.
I have a history of trauma and sometimes I get overwhelming reactions in ways I can't anticipate. For example, more than 40 years ago I took Chemistry at night because I wanted to go to medical school. I was at the top of the class as long as the work was centered in mathematics. When the course shifted to the laboratory and solutions, I was destabilized in panic that would not resolve. Nevertheless I persevered and finished the year long course while working full time. Only much later did I let myself off the hook and changed career plan. At the time this was the right thing to do for myself.
I am uncertain why the artwork triggers me, and the watercolor painting is worse than the design. I think it has something to do with the liquids, but as I recall, when I took oil painting about 11 years ago I couldn't do it either.
M asked me: Why do you make yourself do things that are so distressing to you? I don't know the answer. It's not written that everybody needs to be an artist. I have choice here. But I did artwork enjoyably and un selfconsciously as a small child. And I also know that if I could actually come to tolerate what I feel in my body, I could have a sense of self-mastery and tranquility and self-knowledge that I lack now. I want to grow to feel more inside of myself. But this course is making me feel terror. It's triggering me. I can't relax enough to understand the demonstration videos. There is no joy. No accomplishment. Just terror. Pure terror.
This was compounded when M came over this morning to "help" me. He begins by this loud and strident rant about how the teacher's assignment was misguided and wrong, that i should work with other colors and do a different assignment than that which was required. I felt like I had entered a garbage disposal by mistake.
I fell apart. Dissolved. He left. I came to the decision that I should just drop the course. That nothing in the world is worth feeling this way. That the lesson here was not the course. The life lesson was self-compassion and allowing myself to retreat. That kindness to myself was the key. Not forcing myself to go where there felt to be self-dissolution and pain.
But I feel so, so bad for myself. About myself. So, so sad that something so simple undoes me. And yet everything in me is fighting to run away from this. I DON"T WANT TO DO THIS. And yet I cannot find the kindness in myself, the self-care that makes this okay. It's a classic double bind. There's no going ahead, and there's no retreat. I want to do something that makes me nearly scream with agony. But the thought of leaving only makes me feel despair and self-hatred.
I know what I am describing is a scene from my childhood, when there was in fact no escape. And only writing this am I able to breathe, and to see that there is no wrong answer. Because I am not a child. I am old enough to be at risk for Coronavirus. With dignity, I get to drop a class if I choose. It's not a mistake. It's not because I am a bad or limited person. It's just dropping a class if I choose. Or not.
But I still don't know what to do. Because I invested myself in the hope of doing this, and I'm having a hard time letting myself off the hook.
What do you think? Thank you very much.