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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 757230" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Thank you Deni. I just loved what you wrote. I loved that you were able to embrace the experience rather than the product. </p><p>And I love the part about current age.</p><p></p><p>What I think is going on for me is that what I am experiencing with these art assignments is totally out of synch with the reality now. Either in terms of what I want, and how vulnerable I am. I think the experience that is coming up is from the past, from a tiny or small child without control or resources, and the power for self-definition, and totally vulnerable to her parents. </p><p></p><p>But the thing is reminding myself that I am not that child any longer, and that I have real world capacities, did not help me yesterday. </p><p></p><p>What I want for the art is to be in touch with my inside, my core, my desires, my creativity, and what came up is pure terror. Which in some way is a good thing, to the extent that it is a truth of my life that I can know from my own present circumstances, and age, and therefore no longer be so vulnerable to. All of this I know, but there is no knowing that can stand up to how frightened and desperate I become. </p><p></p><p>But that doesn't mean that day by day that I can't work with it, and befriend it. Like I think Nandina and OW were suggesting. I think they think I am bigger than the fear. But when I feel it I cower and want to run. </p><p></p><p>Today was the last day to drop the course with a refund. And I leapt at the chance. I still have one other course, so I don't feel like a real, true quitter.</p><p></p><p>I think the lesson I am taking from all of this is to be gentle with myself. To give myself wiggle room. I am thinking when this coronavirus dies down (I hope) there is an art studio in my town that is centered around fun. There are no great design pretensions and no performance anxiety. I think I will go there and try to make friends like you describe Deni. Thank you very much. What a beautiful and lovely memory.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 757230, member: 18958"] Thank you Deni. I just loved what you wrote. I loved that you were able to embrace the experience rather than the product. And I love the part about current age. What I think is going on for me is that what I am experiencing with these art assignments is totally out of synch with the reality now. Either in terms of what I want, and how vulnerable I am. I think the experience that is coming up is from the past, from a tiny or small child without control or resources, and the power for self-definition, and totally vulnerable to her parents. But the thing is reminding myself that I am not that child any longer, and that I have real world capacities, did not help me yesterday. What I want for the art is to be in touch with my inside, my core, my desires, my creativity, and what came up is pure terror. Which in some way is a good thing, to the extent that it is a truth of my life that I can know from my own present circumstances, and age, and therefore no longer be so vulnerable to. All of this I know, but there is no knowing that can stand up to how frightened and desperate I become. But that doesn't mean that day by day that I can't work with it, and befriend it. Like I think Nandina and OW were suggesting. I think they think I am bigger than the fear. But when I feel it I cower and want to run. Today was the last day to drop the course with a refund. And I leapt at the chance. I still have one other course, so I don't feel like a real, true quitter. I think the lesson I am taking from all of this is to be gentle with myself. To give myself wiggle room. I am thinking when this coronavirus dies down (I hope) there is an art studio in my town that is centered around fun. There are no great design pretensions and no performance anxiety. I think I will go there and try to make friends like you describe Deni. Thank you very much. What a beautiful and lovely memory. [/QUOTE]
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