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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 757289" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Thank you very much JMom. At first I didn't understand this part: Now, I think I do. Let me try to explain how I'm understanding what you wrote, in light of my own experience. </p><p></p><p>I will write down a series of things I'm accepting now, as so, but I'm unclear how to link them together:</p><p></p><p>One. I believe with all my heart that the art is a way to connect to myself and to work through the past, and to own it.</p><p></p><p>With this belief and commitment to keep on doing it, is the acceptance of some limited discomfort, because one, this has been the reality of my life, and two, it's the reality to some extent for all of us.</p><p></p><p>What is different now than my experience as a child, is that I have both responsibility and control. I'm the adult, I'm the parent who can intervene to protect myself, to titrate the experience, and to remove myself as necessary. I can set the terms.</p><p></p><p>What I ended up doing was to drop the watercolor class and remain with the design class, with the sense that the watercolor class was more triggering, and that asking myself to do half of the work, would make it easier for me to bear.</p><p></p><p>Even after I dropped the watercolor class, I continued to suffer. But I think your interpretation is correct. What happened is this: While the agony continued, I was able to do as was suggested by others above. I was able to imagine holding the activity a little bit apart from the agony. Separate from myself enough to go through the motions. With this I was able to go through the motions, and to see that the activity was not the same as the agony. The other (important) thing I did was I wrote to the teacher and I told her (some of) what I was going through. I explained that while my desire to complete the class was there, that it was bringing forth to me suffering that I had tried to avoid for my whole life. I told her I was asking for nothing, and that I would try to complete the course. I recognize that what I was asking her to do was to bear witness. I was also defusing my sense of shame and blame that I might be a quitter. I was stating to her (and to myself) the obvious, that I had free choice, and I could as an adult control my circumstances.</p><p>And what happened was that every time now that I have turned to the artwork/homework, the distress has been less. And so has the detachment that has been necessary. I gave myself permission to hold the work at a distance, at first, and then I was able to see it didn't kill me. I think it's because I gave myself control. Who knew?</p><p>And this is the corrective emotional experience I'm allowing right now. Thank you. I think I needed to do both. To drop the one class, and allow a retreat; and give myself emotional distance, i.e. protection and control, in order to continue. I am proud of myself that I let the teacher know. It was a risk. She could have responded with impatience, shaming or cruelty. She did none of this. At first, before I let her know what was going on, she told me (text) that she was outside painting, and told me she was having a blast, and asked had I ever done art outside. </p><p></p><p>It provoked me to remember that as a small child I used to draw and paint outside. I lived right on the ocean here in California, in the same city I think the teacher is from (San Francisco) and I was able to remember the pleasure and joy associated with drawing on the sidewalk. And with that, this is how the teacher responded: She said when she does art it's not about making a pretty picture. She brings her whole self with her. And then, she told me how grateful she was that I was transparent, and that I was in the class.</p><p></p><p>So, bringing my whole self into the present moment's experience is what I want to do. And what you're saying is so. In the past the experience is associated with not having control, and feeling terror. And what I am doing now is allowing a little bit of the terror to be present, and then doing the activity any way. And with that I am creating new neurological linkages, both with the terrifying experience of the past, and at the same time giving myself access to my deepest memories of being and self. With mastery and control. An experience of remembrance and repair. Thank you so much for understanding and giving me the words to understand, too.</p><p>If I read this one way, as a child I was trying to use the art to escape, even dissociate. To create an alternate reality where I was safe.</p><p></p><p>I think in present day, now, when the terror came on me, I could no longer use fantasy or dissociation to escape the terror. It no longer worked. So I had to use response and reactions of an adult. My options were: drop the classes, to avoid the feeling, trying to seek help from M or somebody else, or take control of the situation, both protecting myself, and pushing through, which was the reparative response. Thank G-d. You're right, pushing through would have been submitting myself. But while I was feeling so terrible I saw no other option. I was accepting the situation based upon the definition and terms of others, not myself. As long as I tried to push, it was a repetition, not a reparative experience. </p><p>Exactly this.</p><p>And this.</p><p>Yes. I see this now.</p><p>Yes. And when we're adults, we can be that ONE person, who sees, helps, saves and puts them first.</p><p>Yes. Thank you so much for helping me understand. Thank you to everybody.</p><p>OMG. What a blessing I gave myself to post, and let you guys in. I knew that posting was the right thing to do, but was unclear why at the time. I recognized and remember that all of you ALWAYS find the words to help me give myself some peace. I knew just that. That if I opened up to your caring and wisdom, I would find a way to feel better. And I did!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 757289, member: 18958"] Thank you very much JMom. At first I didn't understand this part: Now, I think I do. Let me try to explain how I'm understanding what you wrote, in light of my own experience. I will write down a series of things I'm accepting now, as so, but I'm unclear how to link them together: One. I believe with all my heart that the art is a way to connect to myself and to work through the past, and to own it. With this belief and commitment to keep on doing it, is the acceptance of some limited discomfort, because one, this has been the reality of my life, and two, it's the reality to some extent for all of us. What is different now than my experience as a child, is that I have both responsibility and control. I'm the adult, I'm the parent who can intervene to protect myself, to titrate the experience, and to remove myself as necessary. I can set the terms. What I ended up doing was to drop the watercolor class and remain with the design class, with the sense that the watercolor class was more triggering, and that asking myself to do half of the work, would make it easier for me to bear. Even after I dropped the watercolor class, I continued to suffer. But I think your interpretation is correct. What happened is this: While the agony continued, I was able to do as was suggested by others above. I was able to imagine holding the activity a little bit apart from the agony. Separate from myself enough to go through the motions. With this I was able to go through the motions, and to see that the activity was not the same as the agony. The other (important) thing I did was I wrote to the teacher and I told her (some of) what I was going through. I explained that while my desire to complete the class was there, that it was bringing forth to me suffering that I had tried to avoid for my whole life. I told her I was asking for nothing, and that I would try to complete the course. I recognize that what I was asking her to do was to bear witness. I was also defusing my sense of shame and blame that I might be a quitter. I was stating to her (and to myself) the obvious, that I had free choice, and I could as an adult control my circumstances. And what happened was that every time now that I have turned to the artwork/homework, the distress has been less. And so has the detachment that has been necessary. I gave myself permission to hold the work at a distance, at first, and then I was able to see it didn't kill me. I think it's because I gave myself control. Who knew? And this is the corrective emotional experience I'm allowing right now. Thank you. I think I needed to do both. To drop the one class, and allow a retreat; and give myself emotional distance, i.e. protection and control, in order to continue. I am proud of myself that I let the teacher know. It was a risk. She could have responded with impatience, shaming or cruelty. She did none of this. At first, before I let her know what was going on, she told me (text) that she was outside painting, and told me she was having a blast, and asked had I ever done art outside. It provoked me to remember that as a small child I used to draw and paint outside. I lived right on the ocean here in California, in the same city I think the teacher is from (San Francisco) and I was able to remember the pleasure and joy associated with drawing on the sidewalk. And with that, this is how the teacher responded: She said when she does art it's not about making a pretty picture. She brings her whole self with her. And then, she told me how grateful she was that I was transparent, and that I was in the class. So, bringing my whole self into the present moment's experience is what I want to do. And what you're saying is so. In the past the experience is associated with not having control, and feeling terror. And what I am doing now is allowing a little bit of the terror to be present, and then doing the activity any way. And with that I am creating new neurological linkages, both with the terrifying experience of the past, and at the same time giving myself access to my deepest memories of being and self. With mastery and control. An experience of remembrance and repair. Thank you so much for understanding and giving me the words to understand, too. If I read this one way, as a child I was trying to use the art to escape, even dissociate. To create an alternate reality where I was safe. I think in present day, now, when the terror came on me, I could no longer use fantasy or dissociation to escape the terror. It no longer worked. So I had to use response and reactions of an adult. My options were: drop the classes, to avoid the feeling, trying to seek help from M or somebody else, or take control of the situation, both protecting myself, and pushing through, which was the reparative response. Thank G-d. You're right, pushing through would have been submitting myself. But while I was feeling so terrible I saw no other option. I was accepting the situation based upon the definition and terms of others, not myself. As long as I tried to push, it was a repetition, not a reparative experience. Exactly this. And this. Yes. I see this now. Yes. And when we're adults, we can be that ONE person, who sees, helps, saves and puts them first. Yes. Thank you so much for helping me understand. Thank you to everybody. OMG. What a blessing I gave myself to post, and let you guys in. I knew that posting was the right thing to do, but was unclear why at the time. I recognized and remember that all of you ALWAYS find the words to help me give myself some peace. I knew just that. That if I opened up to your caring and wisdom, I would find a way to feel better. And I did! [/QUOTE]
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