I need to know I am not alone

[Steely]

I hate to be whiney, and I always feel like such a complainer when I post. I just really need your support, anyones support, and you guys are the only ones I can be real with. So I thank you in advance for listening.

I feel myself hurling right into a huge bought of depression. I have fought it off, amazingly, since I moved here in April. I have been sad, but not morose, not suicidal, not thinking about driving off a cliff every time I see one.

I have spent at least 1/16th of my life feeling these feelings. I have been to many counselors, and have been on many medications. Nothing seems to help except redirecting my energy into an outlet. That is hard to do, however, when you are depressed. My new job seemed to offer that outlet until M, my boss/best friend left 2 weeks ago.

My contact with Matt has been almost completely cut off by the program he is in - and I feel like I have lost my son. I am vacillating between panic and acceptance. I am not sure what my truth is right now, let alone what is right for him. The program has been horrible to me, accusing me of being the root of the problem - which is the consummate scarlet letter I have worn Matt's entire life. You would think a mental health facility would know better - but no - somehow the blame is still redirected towards a vulnerable target. Me, the single mom. I would love to know what I have done - yet their answer is that Matt is too focused on his phone calls with me, and he needs to be more focused on his program. Grand. I can see that. But what about the fact they have cut off the only tie he has to a semblance of family. I am it. And they want to take that away. Truthfully I cannot even write anymore about that because I will fall apart. I am just keeping it all inside at this point until I figure out what needs to be done. I have an outside source, an ed consultant, that I have re-hired to help me. I guess I just need to be patient.

My guy friends are just distractions, they don't really understand the depth of this pain. How could they. One is super young, and both do not have kids. They are pretty useless when it push comes to shove. I do have one other girl friend here, and we are trying to connect, but you know...............

My job is in limbo since M left. I have no direction, no idea what to do - except the mandates corporate gives me that the local corporate does not support. I am doing my job and M's job, until god knows when..........

Ummm. Perspective. I love my dogs, my house, and my mountains.

I hope you understand these feelings, but if not, could, you please not tell me to see a counselor or a Dr. I already know what "I need to do". Tonight I just need to feel like I have a friend.
I love you guys.
Steely

 

[Hound dog]

Steely (((hugs)))

Have you tried spending more time with the things you love........your dogs, the mountains......especially when the feelings get overwhelming?

I can be having the day/week from hades and my dogs never fail to bring me out of it. Had it happen tonight as matter of fact. Had the day from hades......and Betsy did her OMG Mom you're fantastic routine......and the day for the most part was forgotten. She's such an enthusiastic silly dog, and she loves me with all she's got. Hard not to smile and laugh at her.

Often the simple things can make the monumental difference. It may not help cure the depression, but might be enough to help moving forward to not be so hard.

I'd be lost without my furbabies.

(((hugs)))

 

[Mattsmom277]

First, gentle hugs for you and a glass of wine, a cozy blanket, tuck your feet under you and curl up on your favorite chair or sofa and let's do something not at all productive.

We could discuss Oprah's weight issues. Dr.Phil's need to do something about his hair. We could discuss Jon and Kate Gosselin (you know you want a Jon around to kick when you need to vent!). We can bash your boss. We can throw darts at a picture of (fill in the blank). Basically, we can get tipsy, trash talk the entire world to make ourselves and our lives feel far more interesting than the reality of the fact we all are just regular joes. We can tell each other how dynamic we are. How desirable and sexy and so much better then the child/woman who always seems to land the men that should be seeking out our mature beauty. Oh what those men are missing!!!

When we are suitably blitzed, we can tell each other THIS IS THE LIFE!!! WE ROCK! OUR LIVES ARE THE EPITOMY OF PERFECT!!! We can then stuff ourselves with decadent chocolate cake, have a good nights sleep, and wake up the next day feeling not at all guilty for our shameless throwing under the bus of every person we've ever known.

No doctor can do that for ya!!! Just good friends! Directions please, I'll make the cake a triple layer and maybe the bottle of wine could be a case.

(((hugs))) You're going through alot. It does make sense that it is too much, too quick, for too long. Just be good to yourself. I know you know what to do. The unknown part is the part that is so daunting (for me anyhow when I'm going through it). When in doubt, do your favorite thing to distract you

 

[crazymama30]

Here is a cyber shoulder. I have been dealing with depression, anxiety and major feelings of just life hoovers. Almost had a panic attack at work.

I have no answers, I can only offer my friendship. If I had answers, I would not need to be here now would I?

No matter what "they" say, you are not the root of Matt's problems. End of story.

 

[witzend]

I think that for you and for Matt you need to start swinging towards the acceptance that he is an adult and sometime, probably soon, he will no longer be in your control. If he wanted to call you he would. I suspect that he may want to talk to you, but the issue has become about whether or not you are constantly controlling his situation, not whether he needs and wants you. I really think that you won't be happy until you let him go, and let yourself realize that at some point he is going to be his own man - for better or worse. You want him to come to you when that time comes. Give him a chance to. Just MHO.

And I know it hurts a lot. We want you to take care of you as much as you would take care of Matt.

 

[klmno]

Hi, Steely! You're in a slump, huh? WEll, you know you still have friends here and I'm glad you are staying in contact and reaching out when you feel this way. This single mom stereotype hoovers. I have gotten the same treatment before- one therapist didn't even know us yet and said "the first thing he has to do when it's a single mom with a son is to break the incestuous emotional relationship they have with each other". We won't get into how well I reacted to that one. LOL! Let's just say difficult child had to leave the room for a VERY heated discussion to take place. Needless to say, it was the last time we ever saw him.

I feel like I can't offer all the words of wisdom that I wish I could and find myself always telling you to just hang in there. The only thing that seems to work for me is writing letters to these people- they start out as drafts with me venting about everything they are doing or saying that is royally ticking me off and why. Then, after a few days they get "tailored" to convey what I want to say more rationally and less emotionally. Sometimes they get mailed and sometimes they don't. Either way, I find it very therapeutic and sometimes it helps me a lot to see how I might be coming across to the other person. At the same time, I try to make sure that I am contacting others who have NOT given me the same stereotype. What I'm finding is that this keeps me from staying consumed with only the people who are not on the same wavelength as me (the "negative"- not that they have to be in agreement with me, but we have to be on enough of a wavelength to communicate effectively, in my humble opinion) and it cultivates a positive relationship with those more likely to offer support and actually maybe help us. Like your ed cons- I'm glad you are getting him involved.

One thing I might suggest- make sure these people know that while the dynamics are very different in a single parent household and you and M are very close in some ways, you have held him accountable instead of being in denial where he is concerned (offer previous situations as examples), YOU are the one that put him in there because you want him to grow independently of you- you just want the two of you to remain close, AND you have not pulled him out of there after all this time. But, you cannot support them completely destroying his only supportive relationship. (I noticed a big change in a couple of people at Department of Juvenile Justice who gave me the "parents need to learn to quit bailing the kid out" stuff when I reminded them that it was ME that had him arrested last and refused to accept him coming home until it was addressed.)

That's just my 2 cents. I hope you get over the slump soon. I hope the ed consultant can help. And don't forget to spend a day just pampering yourself!

 

[everywoman]

Steely. I am so sorry you're hurting. I wish I knew what to say---but I don't. Sometimes life just throws too much at us and well, we just have to stop, take a break, and then go back to the grind. No one can fix this. Not you, not a dr., not a single person on this planet. And that just hoovers. Big Time!!! But, we're here. Always. And while we might not be able to fix anything, we can listen without judgment and condemnation. And please know that I, personally, do care. Sometimes just knowing that another person in this world gets how crappy we feel helps.

 

[muttmeister]

Don't have any great wisdom to hand out but I'm sending you a cyber-hug. Wish I were there to hand out a glass of good wine and a big box of chocolate.

 

[Star*]

Steely -

Ya know....It's very dangerous to just skim others advice. I mean, if you take the TIME to read it? It's very well thought out and has merit. If you do not? Wholey cow. You sit back and come up with some pretty interesting stuff like...

Hugs your wine with a cozy blanket, curly up in a chair and do nothing productive but watch Oprah and talk about the hair that Dr. Phil doesn't have but wishes he has Jon Goslins. Bash your boss and throw darts at him. (actually I was really on board with that one.) Get tipsy, talk trash to all the regular joes. (Well you do have that cougar mobile).

When we are blitzed we'll stuff our bras with cake. (I guess anything to give you that perfect Cupcake) Then we'll wake up and throw everyone we know under the bus. (especially that boss we threw darts at...actually he's first - in the hole he goes)

No doctor for you - just a triple bottle of wine. (Well there's also the box and a straw - less conspicous that way and wine does go with cake)

I tell ya - You just do NOT get better advice ANYWHERE than on this board. It amazes me that Matts Mom is not in private practice because advice like that should cost scads....just don't count on me wearing an expensive bra to this stuffing thing - And as far as that trash talking? I'm down with that - I've even got my line all ready....."Come here you dirty garbage man you - I've got recyclables." - I know pretty trashy huh?" (Dirty Mouth? Clean it up.)

(Thanks Matts Mom) ---

 

[klmno]

No kidding Star! MattsMom- you have an open invitation to visit me- no matter where I'm living!

 

[1905]

Steely, (((HUGS)))
Something that's been helping me recently is to keep a journal. Put everything in it. Not just the bad stuff, good stuff as well, sayings you like, stuff you cut out from the newspaper, rambling thoughts etc...

I recently went to a workshop on journal writing and here are some "assignments". Don't care about punctuation. Here are some lists you can make-Times you've claimed your own power, all the names you've ever been called, dependable joys, things you believe in, what pleased you today, a list of what is still normal in your life, uplifting people, things you've thrown out that you wished you hadn't...

Write from an altered point of view- like a dogs view, or a body part, Write of the senses- like everything you smell, or things you see,...Write as fast as you can for ten minutes-about anything, Draw pictures, Do a collage,

Always ignore you internal censor, and your internal critic. Date you enteries and give them a name.

I wish I had better advice, but know you always have a listening ear-Alyssa

 

[BusynMember]

I spent a lot more then 1/16th of my life being depressed. In my case, medications significantly improved my life. But if you don't like medications, or they don't work for you, I recommend a book that gives you a whole new way of looking at your problems and was the only "talk therapy" t hat ever helped my depression. It still helps. I've never gone back to thinking the way I used to think, which caused me to fall into a deep void of blackness. I recommend "Feeling Good" by Dr. David Burns. I found it life saving. (((Hugs)))

 

[lizanne2]

Hey Steely:

Sending my support. And really wishing i were closer and knew you a little better. I too could use a great Woe is me night! Just the knowing that there a people willing to stuff their bras with cake for you!

Me too with the single mom issue and responses from the professionals, NOT your fault.

Thanks for reaching out. Keep me(us) posted even if things are slow in changing.

 

[timer lady]

Steeley, I think mattsmom is right. There are times I stop counseling....in fact I told the family therapist yesterday that I was tired of this & to wake me up if she & kt needed me there. I'd been there too many times & it hoovers.

I've learned to appreciate & be grateful for what I have over the last 10 months. My art, my music, my home. Even my tweedles, the little twits.

Life bites when there are so many changes & grief in such a short period of time. That's when it's time to take care of you - be selfish. Life happens & there's little you can do to stop it.

Take care, lady. You're not alone - you just feel alone. That's not the case.

 

[mstang67chic]

*Gently thunks you in the forehead* You are so absolutely, totally, completely NOT alone!

Need cheering up, something to keep busy, something to keep your mind occupied? Here's a list (some are serious, some are goofy....you can decide which are which):

Go back and read everything Star has written. Some of it is serious but it's Star...there's bound to be THOUSANDS of laughs in the archives.

Start your own spork collection. Or knorks. Or zonkeys.

I saw petrified dinosaur poop on sale once in a ritzy schmitzy art gallery sorta place. Little bitty chunks were going for $75. You've got dogs...get a kiln, collect your "supplies" and start your own personal gallery.

Start reading Janet Evanovich's Stephanie Plum series. Those things will make you laugh out loud in public. Expect strange looks though.

Join some upbeat online groups. There are scads of them on Yahoo....hobby based, author based....all kinds. Just like here, you can make some great friends and have some laughs.

Volunteer. There's got to be SOMETHING you can do where you live. If not, here's a link to Disney's volunteer program. You can sign up, volunteer and get a free pass to one of their parks for the day. http://disneyparks.disney.go.com/di...ebrate/index?name=Give-A-Day-Get-A-Disney-Day

Do you like reading? There are a lot of web sites where you can sign up to be a reviewer. You usualy don't get paid but you get free books! Just don't listen to Ktmom. Her addiction is NOT my fault.

Check out web cams. (not THOSE kind!) If you do a search on world web cams or something similar, you can find some at various locations around the world. Heck there's even one where we could see Esther if we arranged it right!

Get a hobby. Learn to crochet, knit, tat, basket weave. Find something you're interested in and learn more about it. If you started making things, you could then dontate the items. For instance there are organizations that donate handmade or crocheted (is that a word?) blankets to kids in hospitals or foster homes.

Start your own organization. Collect items for places like where Matt is or something along those lines.

Volunteer at a soup kitchen for the holidays or even regularly.

Join a club or organization.

Invite an elderly neighbor for high tea. Wear outrageous hats and formal gloves. Talk with a really bad fake British accent.

Dress your dogs in childrens clothes and laugh at them.

Take a day trip to the nearest larger town. Get your nails done, get a massage and buy gormet chocolate.

Do random acts of kindness when possible. Pay for the coffee of the 3rd person in line behind you at the coffee shop. Drop off a couple of bucks at the library and tell them it's to cover fines for a couple of people who the librarians know are having a tough time. Buy some clothes at Goodwill and donate them to the elemenatry school for any kids who may be in need.

See if the local police/fire departments have a teddy bear program. If they do, donate to it. If they don't, set one up. The program is one where the police/fire guys have teddy bears and give them to a child or children when there is a traumatic event. Car accident, house fire, domestic call.....anytime something happens with a child present. The bears help calm the child and give them something tangible to cling to during the event and its aftermath. Normally, local groups will collect the teddy bears (or even make them) and donate...Jaycees, scout troops, sororities, etc.

If you need motivation to do some of these things....give me your number. I'll call at random times and affectionally tell you to get your butt out the door.


Until then.... HUGS!

 

[witzend]

I'm with the "do something comical" crowd. Watch "Life of Brian". "Centuwiun, Fwow him to the fwooer! Now Fwow him to the Fwooer again!" Watch "Holy Grail". "Bring out your dead!" "I'm not dead!" "Well, he will be soon, he's very ill."

 

[Star*]

OMG - Steely - if you do the high tea and the British accent? You simply must get the teeth....BECAUSE if you don't have the teeth when you say "FWOW HIM TO THE FWOWER AGAIN." it fownd FOW MUFH BEFFA WIF DOFS TEEF.

ROFLMAO.

(petrified dino poo?) Well what would it be really? I had to ponder that....not terribly long, but then it brought up an entirely whole new thought about Aquaducts and Medieval outhouses....and then that joke where the bear looks at the rabbit and says "Hey rabbit when you "you know" does your "you know" stick to your fur?" "FWOW HIM TO THE FOWEER AGAIN."

Hope you're feeling better today Steely -

 

[busywend]

Steely, we are listening. And here for you.

 

[totoro]

Well I had to follow around Dexter this morning at 6 am to collect his POOP!!! For his vet visit! It was not Petrified but I am sure the 2 old folks whose house I was doing it in front of were petrified and petrified!!! Ha-Ha

Nothing like an AZ sunrise and Sunset! The meteor showers lately have been outstanding!!!

Yes it IS actually cold here but early in the morning it can take your breath away watching the sun come up... with a cup of coffee or tea.

I find a glass of wine and watching Dexter....(he is the eternal difficult child, trying to fit a square peg into a round hole called society) really makes me feel better!
Yes our pup is named after him... he is an outcast, or was!!!

What about something silly like learning how to make quilts or something? You can then donate them to homeless shelters or abused womens homes ... it might take your mind off of life. I have been helping K make friend ship bracelets, I sit at night and make my own! It is relaxing and sort of meditative.

So many of us have struggled or are struggling in different ways but still find a connection with your pain and honestly want to help you.

 

[Steely]

You guys are the best. Seriously, you rock. I woke up this morning feeling amazingly better, and I know it was all your positive vibes rocking my world. Some quotes I will jot in my journal from my dear friends Thanks for making me laugh!!!

When we are suitably blitzed, we can tell each other THIS IS THE LIFE!!! WE ROCK! OUR LIVES ARE THE EPITOMY OF PERFECT!!! We can then stuff ourselves with decadent chocolate cake, have a good nights sleep, and wake up the next day feeling not at all guilty for our shameless throwing under the bus of every person we've ever known.

Hugs your wine with a cozy blanket, curly up in a chair and do nothing productive but watch Oprah and talk about the hair that Dr. Phil doesn't have but wishes he has Jon Goslins. Bash your boss and throw darts at him. (actually I was really on board with that one.) Get tipsy, talk trash to all the regular joes. (Well you do have that cougar mobile).

When we are blitzed we'll stuff our bras with cake. (I guess anything to give you that perfect Cupcake) Then we'll wake up and throw everyone we know under the bus. (especially that boss we threw darts at...actually he's first - in the hole he goes)

No doctor for you - just a triple bottle of wine. (Well there's also the box and a straw - less conspicous that way and wine does go with cake)

Start your own spork collection. Or knorks. Or zonkeys.

I saw petrified dinosaur poop on sale once in a ritzy schmitzy art gallery sorta place. Little bitty chunks were going for $75. You've got dogs...get a kiln, collect your "supplies" and start your own personal gallery.

Invite an elderly neighbor for high tea. Wear outrageous hats and formal gloves. Talk with a really bad fake British accent.