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Substance Abuse
I Never Imagined I’d Be Here- Need Advice
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<blockquote data-quote="JayPee" data-source="post: 751631" data-attributes="member: 23405"><p>Welcome Twinkletoes</p><p></p><p>I'm sorry I just saw your post this morning. I just wanted to mention that although I don't exactly know if the item your talking about it similar to a modem for internet connectivity but I'm betting if you call the internet company you use and explain your circumstances that they may give you the option to "buy" it. I know in our area that some people have the option to either "rent" them by paying a minimal amount on our monthly invoice or purchasing it outright. If you were able to do that, yes it's unfortunate to have to pay for it but for me it would put this issue to bed and allow you to discontinue paying for any internet services going forward for her and save you money in the long run. To me, this is you just taking control of you, which is all we "can" do. Our angst and pain always lies in not being able to control someone else when in reality the only one we can control is ourselves.</p><p></p><p>Also, I am so sorry for the loss of your grandchild to SIDS. I am no expert by any stretch of the imagination but I'm wondering if the addictions and behavior your daughter has chosen might be her avenue to not to deal with the loss of her child. Grief can show itself in many ways like anger and resentment. Again, I'm not an expert but I sometimes think that our children hurt us parents the most when they've been hurt and angry, when something doesn't turn out the way they wanted it to. Somehow in their minds they've got to pay someone back for the hurt they're going through. Perhaps, that's why she withholds your 3 yr. old grandson from you and is so disrespectful to you. She is still grieving and wants you to hurt too. She doesn't know how else to express it and possible doesn't realize she's projecting her sadness this way. Since she couldn't "control" the death of her child, perhaps she's just trying to "control" you. I know you mentioned you honor the grandchild that died from SIDS but maybe the grieving isn't really over for her. Maybe she didn't process it quite like you thought she did. This goes right to the old, we think we know what they are feeling and thinking but we don't. They are separate people from us and life has changed them sometimes into people who are now strangers to us.</p><p></p><p>There are lots of great books out there about enabling no more, boundaries and such. Try reading some of them. I know for me that was an eye opener. I felt and still do feel like they are personalized books written for me. I exhibit so much of what's explained in them. </p><p></p><p>I feel like if you start to change yourself, have a healthier mind-set and try not to focus on the loss of the relationship of your daughter and your grandchild so much, that things will start to change. Focus on you, pray and meditate if you can and find peace within yourself.</p><p></p><p>Remember you can only control yourself...no one else. Once we stop trying to fix, rescue and change others we experience freedom.</p><p></p><p>I always try to remember that saying, "nothing about freedom is free". For me that even applies to my own well-being. If I want freedom from the emotional, psychological stuff my sons put me through I have to put a lot of hard work into getting better. It doesn't just happen with a happy poem or a one-liner quote. Maybe, this is a good time for your to learn more about yourself and who you are and grow and nuture that.</p><p></p><p>Sending peace.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="JayPee, post: 751631, member: 23405"] Welcome Twinkletoes I'm sorry I just saw your post this morning. I just wanted to mention that although I don't exactly know if the item your talking about it similar to a modem for internet connectivity but I'm betting if you call the internet company you use and explain your circumstances that they may give you the option to "buy" it. I know in our area that some people have the option to either "rent" them by paying a minimal amount on our monthly invoice or purchasing it outright. If you were able to do that, yes it's unfortunate to have to pay for it but for me it would put this issue to bed and allow you to discontinue paying for any internet services going forward for her and save you money in the long run. To me, this is you just taking control of you, which is all we "can" do. Our angst and pain always lies in not being able to control someone else when in reality the only one we can control is ourselves. Also, I am so sorry for the loss of your grandchild to SIDS. I am no expert by any stretch of the imagination but I'm wondering if the addictions and behavior your daughter has chosen might be her avenue to not to deal with the loss of her child. Grief can show itself in many ways like anger and resentment. Again, I'm not an expert but I sometimes think that our children hurt us parents the most when they've been hurt and angry, when something doesn't turn out the way they wanted it to. Somehow in their minds they've got to pay someone back for the hurt they're going through. Perhaps, that's why she withholds your 3 yr. old grandson from you and is so disrespectful to you. She is still grieving and wants you to hurt too. She doesn't know how else to express it and possible doesn't realize she's projecting her sadness this way. Since she couldn't "control" the death of her child, perhaps she's just trying to "control" you. I know you mentioned you honor the grandchild that died from SIDS but maybe the grieving isn't really over for her. Maybe she didn't process it quite like you thought she did. This goes right to the old, we think we know what they are feeling and thinking but we don't. They are separate people from us and life has changed them sometimes into people who are now strangers to us. There are lots of great books out there about enabling no more, boundaries and such. Try reading some of them. I know for me that was an eye opener. I felt and still do feel like they are personalized books written for me. I exhibit so much of what's explained in them. I feel like if you start to change yourself, have a healthier mind-set and try not to focus on the loss of the relationship of your daughter and your grandchild so much, that things will start to change. Focus on you, pray and meditate if you can and find peace within yourself. Remember you can only control yourself...no one else. Once we stop trying to fix, rescue and change others we experience freedom. I always try to remember that saying, "nothing about freedom is free". For me that even applies to my own well-being. If I want freedom from the emotional, psychological stuff my sons put me through I have to put a lot of hard work into getting better. It doesn't just happen with a happy poem or a one-liner quote. Maybe, this is a good time for your to learn more about yourself and who you are and grow and nuture that. Sending peace. [/QUOTE]
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