I notice anxiety very time Difficult Child visits...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by ksm, Jul 2, 2016.

  1. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    And she isn't being rude or mean...it is just listening to her talk makes my blood pressure rise. I try to follow her thought process, and I bite my tongue not to say anything, but it is so hard.

    On her behalf, she is very polite and appreciative. But when she talks about what she is doing, tiffs with friends, and problems at work, I just feel stressed! Or when I mention upcoming dental appointment, she will say...what time is it? I don't know...I gave her the reminder card two days ago.

    Her manner, affect, speech patterns, her outfit, just stresses me. I guess I am being Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). When she was at home, I tried to gpgive guidance on what to wear...like appropriate clothing for specific purposes...what is ok for the lake is not OK for other areas. Make up for going out at night, isn't appropriate for a job interview....that kind of stuff. I am trying to let it go...let her figure out relationships, work, etc.

    But I think she will continue to struggle. And so will I.

  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    It is so hard to know how much and what to say. We see things from the wisdom of age and experience. There seems to be a lack of the ability to see themselves in relation to social norms. Perhaps finding a different way to get the same information across to them. I like the idea of buying magazines that she might be interested in and looking at them together. You could point out outfits and tell her how cute that would be on her to wear to_________. Most young ladies respond to flattery.
  3. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    My problem is she gets mixed messages. I noticed that at the last two case management meetings I cringed when she showed up. Her beautiful blond hair was dyed bright red. Or she was wearing booty shorts and cowboy boots. The social workers complimented her boots, or her red hair, then she smugly looks at me, like, see there...they like it!

    Later when the red hair starts growing out, and the blonde roots are showing, she hates it.

    Or she spends money for acrylic nails...and when they grow out or fall off, she doesn't have money to get them filled in...and she really couldn't afford them in te first place.

    She starts a new job this coming week...but her old job didn't let her finish up her schedule, but she doesn't know why they told her not to come back, except for her check.


    Last edited: Jul 2, 2016
  4. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Does she have a female mentor?
  5. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    No, not really. She had a young adult female who was her case manager, but at the last planning meeting, since she turned 18, she told them she no longer needed any help. She had missed her appts with the case mgr the past month...as she forgets appts and I am not there to remind her. She lives with her dad, who works 11 hours a day, and spends most his free time at his girl friends place.

    If I tell her fashion or make up advice, she thinks I am too old to know anything. But, she wore what I bought or suggested for senior photos, and everyone loved them, including her. Like one outfit was an oatmeal colored swing cardigan, a rust colored camisole, and jeans. The colors were perfect for her hair and skin tone. Brought out her hazel green eyes and blonde hair. She was amazed how pretty she looked.

    But she gravitates towards bright, skimpy clothes...and things that are too tight...so her normal wardrobe is not flattering. If her sister tries to give ideas, she gets mad...as she thinks everything looks better on younger sis. But her sister dresses a little more conservative, things fit a little looser, and looks appropriate.

    She loses her medical card at the end of the month. I told her to put reminders on her phone. And she looks at me like I am brain dead. She says she knows how to do it, but has been too busy! Then she complains about her old job only giving her 12 to 15 hours a week. And complains about not having any friends... But she is too busy to put a reminder on her phone.

    She has also been too busy to sign up for classes at the community college...but still tells everyone she is going to college next month. See why I get do frustrated?

  6. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I know that feeling of frustration. I have a granddaughter that will get upset with us if we remind her of what she needs to do for the fall semester, but will go balistic at the last minute because she didn't do it.
  7. Sister's Keeper

    Sister's Keeper Active Member

    This may make you feel better or not, but the clothes and hair issues are totally normal for her age.

    My friend with a teenage daughter said they all dress this way. Fat or thin, tall or short. To quote her, "They all wear everything too tight. Blubber hanging out doesn't bother them. We would buy it 2 sizes bigger and wear Spanx, they just don't care."

    The hair colors is the thing, too. Her daughter has had multiple color, pink, red, lavender. It's just the thing.
  8. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Dyes, a lot is NT teen... But once she dyes the heir or gets the nails, then later, gets upset that nails need to get done again, or wants to redo hair or change it back to original...it never dawned on her that once you start, it is a continual process...and that it all rakes money. That is where her thought process gets in the way.