I rec'd a nice call from detention pastor today

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by klmno, Aug 23, 2010.

  1. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    This is a pastor who regularly (several times a week) goes to facilities to talk to those incarcerated who want to talk to them. difficult child is in detention awaiting transfer to Department of Juvenile Justice but has known this man from his previous stints and has talked to him a lot in the past. He called me today, surprisingly, and asked how I was doing. I have no idea what difficult child told him to spur this call but he seemed worried about me and said he thought difficult child was finally getting somewhere. I was shocked to hear that - it can't be manipulation because difficult child has already gotten his sentence, definitely won't be coming home for a very long time, and I haven't held any carrot over his head thru this.

    Anyway, he said that he thinks difficult child is not the same as most the boys in there and he thinks a lot of him and would really like to see him turn things around. Yep, me too. He said difficult child opened up a lot more to him on Sunday and let some things out. I was glad to hear that and told him I encouraged and supported difficult child opening up to someone appropriate to work through things that ate at him so he could get past some of the painful things that influence his decision making. The pastor seems to think difficult child is doing this but warned that staff might not be a good option- pastors and tdocs in Department of Juvenile Justice are ok but regular staff might not be a good idea to encourage difficult child to go to. Ok, I'll discuss that with difficult child when I see him again.

    He didn't break difficult child's confidence and tell me what he revealed or talked about, which is fine. I am curious though because he asked several times if I was ok and how I was doing. He shared my frustration that difficult child should have goneto Residential Treatment Center (RTC) to begin with and should have rec'd transitional services of some sorts when released from Department of Juvenile Justice in the spring. And the frustration of difficult child not trying and caring about himself and own life/future, his reaching out to the wrong people, etc.

    It's too bad that difficult child didn't have an adult male that he connected with in Department of Juvenile Justice. He might end up going back to the same facility he went to before and he only had a female therapist that he snowed there.

    It makes me feel good to have someone say these things about difficult child and seemingly care about us and I appreciate it a great deal. But it also serves as a reminder of potential thrown away and such a loss of dreams for difficult child.
  2. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Well, it's about time! Too many bureaucrats, not enough people who care. But then again, the pastor works outside the system, even though he's inside; he's not actually part of the system. Anyway, I am so glad that he sees difficult child's potential. That is wonderful. He sounds like a neat guy.
    I'd be curious, too, to find out what prompted the "How are you doing, are you all right?" questions.
    In the meantime, just be thankful. I know that there is a grieving process here, too. Take care of yourself.
    Last edited: Aug 23, 2010
  3. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Thanks, Terry- that was very sweet of you to say!
  4. barneysmom

    barneysmom Member

    k, we might be surprised at where difficult child will end up on his journey. It's no accident that the pastor called and confirmed what you already knew -- that your difficult child does have insight into what is going on inside of him. I think it's huge that the pastor said he thought difficult child was finally getting somewhere.

    When he was in 2nd grade, my gfg13 had to be removed from our home because he was so violent (our choice). He went to an attachment respite home. He had to do some pretty hard work -- shovel horse manure in the barn, etc. Anyway the respite woman said she saw something in gfg13 that she saw in few of her other kids. She said she saw reason to hope. I have hung on to this for all these years. You hang on to what the pastor said. It is a message meant just for you. it is a message of hope.
  5. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Ditto what Terry said.
  6. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Thank you, Ladies! I have a difficult time sometimes finding a good balance between hope for difficult child (not giving up on him) and acceptance of the obvious signs that he sure isn't on a good path now.
  7. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Never lose hope, K.

    You might have to adjust what you hope for, but never lose hope.
  8. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    difficult child just called- I'm surprised they let him call tonight but I guess they are giving him a break about it because he'd only left this place to go to court and they know he's awaiting transfer to state Department of Juvenile Justice. Anyway, he was talking about where he went wrong, there was nothing anyone could have done or not done- he said it was the mind set he got into in order to survive Department of Juvenile Justice and he got used to it there and kept the mindset when he got out because it seemed like too much of a sudden change and a lot of stress and sudden freedom. Ok. He said he does think he needs to talk to someone and has started talking a lot to a certain staff person there. That does make me wonder if this is why the pastor called and mentioned a couple of times about difficult child needing to be careful who he started openoning up to and who he looked up to and made it clear he meant staff. He said difficult child should stick to opening up to Department of Juvenile Justice therapist and pastor and not staff. I'll try to see difficult child within a week to forward this message to him. It didn't sound like he was saying anything that could be used against him but some of the general staff do manipulate and use these kids.

    Still, it was good to hear difficult child was thinking about stuff like this. I just have very serious doubts in his ability to survive a year or closer to two in Department of Juvenile Justice without giving into the typical mentality of he boys there again.
  9. ML

    ML Guest

    Never give up hope. I'm so glad the pastor called and asked how you were doing. You don't get enough of that.