I saw a counselor today

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Kjs, Jan 19, 2009.

  1. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    I actually had an appointment set up. Just so happened that this phone stuff all came into the open over the weekend.

    You know when you screw something up at work, or do something and all of a sudden realize what you did how you get this overwhelming hot rush and sick feeling in your gut??? Well, that is what I feel like.

    I showed the lady the phone statement that lists the date and time and name of the video clips. 138 in 4 days. From 1/5 - 1/9

    She really did talk to me, but made one comment that has me really concerned. Did he share any of these with difficult child? Because if he did CPS will certainly be involved and he will go to jail.

    I never would dream of him showing difficult child. Then I never would of ever thought he would do this. I did ask him about one clip named "i kissed the dog" I made a comment about the DOGS. He said that was on Utube and he showed it to difficult child. I looked at the phone statement and yes, that one was on utube. The fact that he showed difficult child anything from his phone has me concerned. difficult child see's a therapist there now also, and she said he is a very good therapist and will talk to difficult child.

    Meanwhile, they set up an appointment for myself and H wednesday night.

    Again tonight when i got up for work he was in the basement on the couch. I usually don't go down there cause I just don't want to see him. But today when i came home from work i went through difficult child's folder. All the missing work I made him do last week is still in his folder. Never turned it in. Had several pages of math homework and some study guides. Finals are this week and quarter ends. I told difficult child to PLEASE get off the computer game and do homework. Study.

    Before I left for work i checked his folder. Did maybe 1/2 the math problems on each sheet. Did not study.

    I went down and asked husband if he looked over difficult child's homework. He said, "he said he did it" HE ALWAYS says he did it. You have to LOOK at it. Again he didn't do it. I asked if he studied with difficult child for finals. No. I just looked at him and said something nasty about his video clips and his pants....

    Then noticed Chloe (our dog) her dog food is gone. She is on prescription dog food from the vet due to her weight and thyroid issues. I asked him if she had any food. He said she ran out the other day !!!???? WTH. So I asked him if he ever thought of going to get her some food. His reply -----"I don't know HOW" --- What, if I died the dog would never eat again? You go to the vet and you ask for food. See, that is nothing, I do absolutely everything...I mean everything. He can't even buy dog food.

    I did tell him we have an appointment Wednesday evening. I told him he has no choice in this matter he will go.

    No reply.

    I went to veiw the usage of his phone tonight. It hasn't been updated. But I went to veiw txt msg's. He has 16 txt's withing a 4 hour period. NOT from a phone number, more like a code. 0000001111
    Is it possible to have txt's sent to your phone from sites, like dirty talking or something?

    I couldn't find his phone when I left for work. I am sure he has it close to him, like you know, his hand.....So, I took his charger. I know he has a car charger somewhere but I don't know where. I can't deal with this. I just can't. My head is spinning and my gut is hurting. I just can't do this.

    difficult child is suffering from lack of support. husband does take him places, friends, gym, baseball, mall...but no support on life. No instructions to study. No requests to get OFF the computer.

    I want to THANK everyone for the support and nice things. Thank goodness for all of you. your responses are what kept me from completely losing it. But that sick feeling is there, and I am shaking and scared. I have no idea where this is leading. And what do you tell difficult child?
  2. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Yeah, had that sick-to-my-stomach-with-dread feeling before, too. I'm just so sorry you're having to deal with this.

    Have you talked to difficult child about appropriate use of his own phone? That could open the door to a dialog about what he has or hasn't seen or what his dad has or hasn't shown him.

    husband sounds like he wants more to be a buddy to difficult child than a parent. difficult child will have plenty of buddies in his life. But only one dad. He's blowing it big time. You'd get better support from a sitter that you hire to make sure stuff gets done.

    When I was having issues with husband about following through on parenting responsibilities, like getting the kids to bed when I went out for the evening with friends (a simple request, but not something he could be counted on to do on a school night. I'd come home at 11pm and my second grader was still up watching TV and neither difficult child had been given medications) I finally broke down and hired a sitter for those nights. I stopped letting myself be disappointed and found my own solutions. After a while of being embarassed by me paying a 16yo girl to get our kids to bed and make sure they were medicated while he was in the house, husband got the message and started working harder at being a dad instead of a playmate.

    Your therapist has her work cut out for her. Even if husband doesn't go, you need to go so you can get your bearings and figure out what you want to do about all this.

    Sending major hugs to you!
  3. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    I need your advice once again, as always. I have a zillion things going through my mind that I want to say while we are at the counselor together. Many are not nice. Heck, most are not nice. but since we don't talk at all, I want to say all these things there so he listens without cutting me off in mid sentence and yelling at me.

    Should I talk or should I not?
  4. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    If I were you, I would! I certainly did when I was going through it! Use that time, with the counselor there as a mediator, to get it all off your chest, to confront him with everything you need to get answers to. Use it as kind of your 'safe zone'. If he tries to put you off or minimize your feelings or be evasive again, the counselor will certainly call him on it and won't let him get away with it. He won't be able to tap dance around the counselor. You need this for YOU! Really, at this point, I don't think you have much to lose.

    But are you sure he will even go? If he doesn't, go by yourself and talk it through, get your feelings heard, get some validation for YOU!
  5. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    This is the mans title. Not sure what some of it means, but sounds impressive.

    Ph.D., DAPBS
    diplomate Forensic Psychology, American Board of Psychological Specialties.

    This is the man that sees difficult child. He is also the one that husband and I will see. I see his wife.

    I saw difficult child respond to him in a way I have never seen difficult child respond. Hoping that since this man will know OUR problems, he will be able to guide difficult child through what ever lays ahead.

    I don't know what I am suppose to feel. I don't know where my life is going. I DO know if anything happens to husband, difficult child will blame me. He has already told me what a horrible person I am and how I blame dad for everything. Little does he know.

    When I called husband and told him what I found out and asked him why, he found excuses which I already stated. Also said he didn't do it that many times...your nuts.
    So I printed it off. highlighted everyone. Handed it to him when I got home. He put it on the table and said, "I don't care what it says, I didn't do it that many times".
    It has been two days and it is still on the table. Plain view for difficult child or easy child. All the video's have names. They would actually have to turn the page though.

    I think in husband's mind, he believes if he doesn't look at it-- then it didn't happen. But this DID happen. Whether he looks at it or not is not an issue to me. AND the dr. has a copy also.

    husband was in a very bad state when I left. Either acting super, super depressed or he actually hit the bottom. Don't know, don't care. All I care about is difficult child not getting hurt in this process. I am afraid now that husband may do something. difficult child would blame me and never forgive me. Not even knowing.

    Should I be feeling bad for husband? Is he truely sick? ah...yes he is truly sick. But it has been 22 years and it has always been my fault. Is that because he never wanted to face things? Is there any help that will actually help? Is there any hope? Hope for him? Not for me. I don't know where I am headed.

    Any suggestions on where I can actually find a friend? a real physical friend? I don't drink. Work in a data center so it is triple locked and nobody can get in. Who would want to in the middle of the night.

    sorry I am going on so much. I have nobody but you guys. And you really help. I feel guilty too because this isn't much about difficult child directly. And that is what this board is for. Sorry.
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am very very glad you had an appointment with a good therapist and you kept it. This will be really important to how you get through all of this. And to how difficult child gets through all of it. I DO know that sick feeling, it certainly isn't any fun.

    As for whether or not husband showed this stuff to difficult child, he may have. It isn't as uncommon as you might think, esp if the dad thinks the son is "growing up" or is ready to handle the opposite sex. Some dads were introduced to sex and dating this way, and this is how they introduce their sons. (Scarily, my bro has always said that if he had boys he would hire a lady of the night to teach them the mechanics of physical intimacy and how to be "good" at it. I find this appalling, as do my parents and my husband and even Wiz - bro had the NERVE to bring it up to Wiz to try to show me my idea that it is a bad thing is outdated and irrational!). So having the other therapist discuss this with your difficult child is an excellent idea. And if your husband DID show any of this to difficult child then he deserves to face some legal repercussions, in my opinion.

    As for the things you want to say to husband, get a notebook that will fit in your purse. Write them down as these thought occur to you. That way you don't forget things. I really think it is a very good idea to talk to husband about them. If you and husband are to have any hope of keeping this marriage, you need to make it healthy and functional. Using the therapist as a mediator is one of the best ways to communicate. Even if you end up not keeping the marriage, having the therapist help you communicate at this stage will give you common ground, and an unbiased 3rd party to show what is really going on if things get difficult in court.

    I am sorry your husband is more invested in being a buddy than a dad to your son. I know this hurts you, just as it hurts difficult child. I am willing to bet that some of difficult child's migraines are due to the tension of having a dad who behavies the way your husband does, and who encourages your difficult child to blame everything on you. Your difficult child is no dummy. He KNOWS that you are not truly to blame for everything your husband blames you for. But it is easier to go along and not fight the tension in the house and deal with the migraine than to handle standing up to your dad and saying "It isn't Mom's fault - maybe it is YOURS or MINE." That is a pretty big burden for a teen.

    I am still recommending you go to a DV shelter and ask about signs of emotional abuse/psychological abuse - I really think you are a victim of this from your husband, and your difficult child may also be. the DV shelter can give you fact sheets and tips and ideas of what really IS abuse that you have come to learn is "normal" for your household with husband in it. They can give you support of other people who have been there done that, and they can help you break the cycle so that your difficult child does not do this to other people. If you won't explore this for yourself, please explore it to help your difficult child.

    Know that we are always here with support, no matter what. You are a treasured part of our community and we love you.
  7. artana

    artana New Member

    The best way to find real friends, I think, is to do what you like to do and talk to people. For instance...if you like to read, join a couple of book clubs. Find people you are comfortable with. If you are religious, in your church community you may find a couple of supportive people. If you like outdoors, find a hiking group. If you want to meet other parents that have to deal with difficulties like difficult children, you may want to ask the sped teacher if there is a way to organize a parents' night, so you don't feel so alone.
  8. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Kjs, I think you should heed Susie's advice and hit up a women's shelter. Not to stay there, per se, but to at least get some face to face venting out to someone who knows and understands how how you feel.

    Finding a friend and creating a level of intimacy to share what you're going through now will take some time and right now you need to really get this out. Posting here is fine of course, as you know, but seeking out other women who have been in your shoes and have made a new life for themselves would be very beneficial for your own personal resolve and may help you figure out what you want to or need to do. To help you figure out if your marriage is salvagable and whether or not H will be involved in the healing.

    You don't need to know exactly how to react or what to do right now. I'd say that you just need to process how you feel first. Make no decisions in regards to your future - first focus on understanding how all the pieces of your fractured life fit in with how you want to feel - different than this, right?

    Should you talk? Well, yes, I think that is the purpose of being in a counselor's office - so you can talk freely without it turning into a nightmare. It's supposed to be a safe place. And the counselor, if he is good, will tell H the rule about no interrupting while anyone is speaking. This is important.

    When H and I went to counseling after a devastating incident, I spoke. I was astounded when my counselor (a woman) said something that, in my eyes, tried to minimize my pain and discomfort. I told her so and she quickly backpedaled on her comments and clarified her meaning.

    It is very important to speak up, especially if the counselor either doesn't understand you or misconstrues your comments or makes your feelings out to be petty. VERY important. Personally, in a situation such as this, I would prefer to be with a woman counselor. However, being with a man who could help H see how he's hurt you may be better. Hugs and best of luck.
  9. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    JoG - I see the woman counselor (his wife actually), but the marriage counseling part is the man doctor. He is also the one that sees difficult child and will be testing him.

    I asked the wife yesterday if she will be there. She said she can be, would be late as she has a client. They felt we needed to be seen asap. We are being seen in his other office. She wouldn't be able to get there in time. I would prefer that she be there. She did ask him what he thought, if she should attend. But, won't work out with her schedule.

    I really value everyone's opinion, advice on this. I cannot see straight let alone think straight. Everyone is offering so much support and I value this. Thank you
  10. ML

    ML Guest

    I am so glad you are seeing a counselor on this.

    The dysfunctional dynamics of addiction are rather familiar to me. For me it was husband's alcoholism. Blaming someone else, usually the spouse for everything is SOP. All I can say is that getting help for yourself and difficult child has to come first. husband can get help or not, that's up to him. I am glad you have an apt set up, this is a good first step. I was SHOCKED when husband started going to AA meetings, I only mention this because there truly is hope.

    I am thinking of you and sending prayers and good thoughts.

    Also, I loved gcv mom's suggestion about taking care of things and getting a sitter was brilliant because it was in her husband's face that he wasn't being counted on.


  11. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Kjs, -

    In all of your posting here - the thing that sticks out to me the most is your inability to DO what is right for KJS for FEAR that your son will never forgive you. You dont' need a childs permission any more than you need MY permission to LIVE your life and be happy. It is your RIGHT.

    This is why I think it would be beneficial for you to seek out additional therapy in a womens shelter - TALK to others first hand, don't just take my word for it. Stop predicting what you "think" your son will and won't do if you do or dont' do something. You are not a phsychic.

    You have a RIGHT to be happy, peaceful, fulfilled, loved, cared about, angy, upset, worried, joyful, hopeful. This is something you can not see at the present time - understandibly so. You are a mess - understandibly so. You are overworked, undersupported, and exhausted. How in the world could ANYONE make ANY rational decisions under these circumstances? And yet - look at what you have done for yourself already!!!!! Your strength is amazing!

    I'm very proud of you!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Last edited: Jan 20, 2009
  12. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Here's a good book to start with that will explain a lot:

    [ame="http://www.amazon.com/Out-Shadows-Understanding-Sexual-Addiction/dp/1568386214/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1232469020&sr=1-1"]Amazon.com: Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction: Patrick J. Carnes: Books[/ame]

    The you might want to read this:

    [ame="http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1232469071&sr=1-1"]Amazon.com: Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself: Melody Beattie: Books[/ame]

    And finally, this is a great book for daily meditations to help you keep focused on what's important for YOU:

    [ame="http://www.amazon.com/Language-Letting-Go-Hazelden-Meditation/dp/0894866370/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1232469071&sr=1-2"]Amazon.com: The Language of Letting Go (Hazelden Meditation Series): Melody Beattie: Books[/ame]

    I hope you are able to unload both barrels in your therapy session and at least get your feelings out in the open with him. I understand how unsettling the unknown can feel. Try to just take things one day at a time, as cliche as that sounds. You will find that worrying about the distant future and what others think about you will drive you crazy.

    The serentity prayer is a wonderful mantra to remember when you feel like things are spiraling out of control.

    Hang in there. You will get through this and you will be stronger and happier for it.
  13. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    Star has a great point. You are worrying that your son will never forgive you if you stand up for yourself and/or do things to make YOU happy.

    You need to think about a couple of things. One is that if Momma isn't happy, No One is happy. This isn't just a saying. Think about trying to be happy in a world where the person who does all the things to take care of you is miserable. Could you do it? Would it be emotionally healthy to go ahead and be happy if Momma is miserable?

    Another thing to think about is that difficult child is learning how to be a man based on how his father treats YOU. So he is learning that men don't touch their wives, that they say awful things to them and expect them to take care of EVERYTHING. He is learning that men go to work and then they play. And that men blame everything that goes wrong on the Mom/Wife.

    Is this REALLY the life lesson you want difficult child to learn?

    Or do you want him to learn that if the Dad/Man of the House acts like your husband does, that the Woman stand up, tells him what is wrong, and then refuses to back down until things are better. Do you want difficult child to learn that you can't make changes just because you are in your 40's? Or do you want him to learn that at any time you can stand up for yourself and change things so that you are living a fulfilling life?

    I am also proud of you. You realized something was very wrong. You didn't hide from it, you looked until you found out what is going on. Then you came her for support and ideas. Then you found counselling and insisted on it.

    Those are some pretty BIG steps. It was hard to take them. You did it anyway.

    So you can join Star and I in being VERY proud of you!
  14. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I fell into that when we first started therapy for difficult child 1 many years ago. I was being painted as the unyeilding, overprotective villian by both husband and difficult child 1 and I still didn't talk. Finally I did speak my side of the issues and WOW the therapist was totally turned around and realized that I was not the problem. Sometimes we get so unsure of ourselves when we are secondguessed and told we are so off by our difficult child's and husbands that we doubt our own feelings. But you need to give voice to them. Let the therapist get the whole picture.

    Why go if you do not speak of your problems and issues? Definately TALK about it all, you are paying them to listen and what you say is confidential. If you are afraid of husband's outbursts you could do it when he isn't there and leave the therapist to mediate.

    It took me a while to realize that I was not put on this planet to be abused ridiculed and neglected but rather to be honored respected and treasured. Once I truly realized that my life got way better. I am hoping the same for you. -RM
    Last edited: Jan 20, 2009
  15. Ropefree

    Ropefree Banned

    Kjs: "Don't tell" is the red flag of abuse. What on this earth is new and how can we help if we cover up what is so with silence and fiction? Tell YOUR truth. If you are mistaken then you can stand corrected. What is the big deal in that, REALLY?
    The whole point of the theraputic relationship is to have a safe relationship. The reason we have trained professionals who will hold our personal business in confidence is to learn the skills of the wholesome and safe interpersonal relationship.
    And if what they are listening to is neglegent to a child or poses the threat of harm?they report it. How is that "bad"? if you had any other disease in progress in?
    Insults, put downs, and tactics that prevent a person to be heard and to open
    a sane sober discussion about what is are abuses.
    I agree that with the "walking on eggshells" behavior where for you the question is what will happen if I speak my mind honestly is "will I be forgiven? or is it
    'nice'?" is an indicator that first and formost you need to learn to secure your boundaries and to consider what is making these simple areas so murky for you.
    Is the homework being done? That is not a rocket science level mystery. It either is or it is not.
    At my house the use of the computer is 100% contingent on the completion of assigned work AND excellant grades, and chores.
    It is possible that the messages ect have a reasonable explaination. If so these are what you can here. Is your attention to the matter being undermined by your husband? Couples conseling time.
    In the two heads are better than one equation it is the limitations of the male brain that benifit from a thinking full brain using female. When a woman is being mistreated by her husband and that invalidation is modeled for her children it is not
    a single person doing the abuse...it is mutually abusive behavior. He is deminishing you and you are allowing the behavior.
    Maybe the blooming sexuality of the adolscent son is the ignition of this current set of challenges you are facing. It is a sign of health for the teen to be in this stage of life. And as parents you have to work out how you are going to create the appropriate atmosphere for the next years ahead.
    What is the porn policy in your home? Is that what you are worried about? Then get the parental controls in order on the computer. The boy at 14 is not a legal porn
    or sex talk user. Move the computer out of some private area where the veiwing is not under supervision and place the appropriate limits for your family...time and hours per day/week.
    put blocks on the phone for such calls. Turning of the texting fuction will stop the matter immediately. Call the cell carrier and do that and end of story.
    EArning priveldeges is an ongoing thing. If you are all wrong, so what? The matter can be resolved by talking it our and gaining your confidence that the rules in your home are respected. ANd the top of that is that you are respected. If being
    up front and honest is not good enough for safe communication what is?
    How is it "nice" to let your male children learn to intellectually abuse a woman from the father figure? Interrupting your sentences is like having a two year old running the show.
    As a mother you do know how to put the foot down and to command respect.
    If the household is wobbled off course it is your respocibilty to pull in the reins and get the family on track. Human beings are social animals and woman are leaders. We may follow cultural patterns whereby we privately consel with our husbands and they speak as the leader, but it is our unique and natural ability to serve the tending and mending of relationship that is essential to society.
    If you have been allowing abusive treatment and are cowaring from the assertive and power that are yours then step one is to sort these out with a guide outside the system in the family that is abusive.
    Another terrific self help book is THE DANCE OF ANGER where the ways and means to neigotiate the hot topics is discribed. It is a fast read in book form. And for me the contrast between reading it myself and listening to the author on books on tape was a whole other layer of self awareness and learning.
    You can do this change you need. your family will be better for it and you will
    find life is not a long litany of "never forgivings". Somethings can not be forgiven.
    Here is a saliant point. I do not want someone to feel comfortable abusing me.
    Name the type and I want to be clear I do not want it. So if I am abrupt and unpredictable confronted with some abuse let us be in agreement that that is just fine for me.
    I hope some of this helps you decide the best course of action you choose and to get it done. If it is what works for you, then that is what works.
  16. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Being well and happy about yourself is sooooooo sexy. Confidence is a major turn on for anyone.

    I want you (POINTS TO KJS) to BE HAPPY......have confidence and when you are?

    IT IS CONTAGEOUS.....honest.
  17. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    You're making a good start. Definitely say everything you think you need to say during the session. Start taking care of you first. Sending many hugs and lots of extra strength.

    I'm proud of you, too!
  18. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Hi kjs. I ditto EVERYTHING Star has said. You have the right to find peace and happiness. You cannot let your son or your husband navigate your emotional well being. They are not making choices with you in mind. Besides what good will you be to difficult child if you are falling apart at the seams?

    I am so happy you are seeing someone. Good start. Keep moving in a positive direction and remember you matter too!!!

    Hang in there and God bless. :)
  19. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat


    I don't live THAT far from you. If I had a running vehicle, I'd be up there in a second. And I mean that.

    Want to come down here for a couple days? Name the day.
  20. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I ditto the women's shelter recommendation. It's a very good one.

    As for difficult child..........awwwww sweetie, difficult child is a child. He hasn't got a clue as to what the grown up world is like, relationships, responsiblity, marriage.....ect. Do not live your life, or not live your life, based on whether or not you have difficult child's approval. That is wrong on so many levels it's not even amusing.

    As he grows older, difficult child will comes to see the truth of the person his Dad is. You need not worry about that.

    You need to decide how you want your life to be, and reach for the golden ring.