I see difficult child tomorrow

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by klmno, May 2, 2009.

  1. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    It will be the first time in five weeks. I really want to see him- I just hope that all my mixed emotions and feelings like his future is down the tubes don't dominate. No matter what I signed, I am nowhere close to being able to commit to him coming straight home or doing whatever these people at the courts demand later on. difficult child and I haven't even dealt with what got him in there. I'm trying to take things one day at a time. I'm forming a plan and adjusting to what is to come over the next year or so. I want to be strong for him and support him to do the best he can in there. But that's so hard because a big part of me just feels like his life is scr**ed now.
  2. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm glad you will get to see difficult child tomorrow and I'll be praying the visit goes well. It's good that you are taking things one day at a time right now. Hugs.
  3. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    K, you have to let go of wanting to control the future and learn to live one day at a time. A year is such a very long time (especially in teenage years) and so much maturation happens so quickly---you never know. I've told you before, and I'm going to say it again, I so wish I had allowed my difficult child to go to Department of Juvenile Justice when he was in trouble as a juvenile; it may have saved him later on. As it is now, he has a felony that he got when he right after he turned 18. It will haunt him the rest of his life. If I had allowed natural consequences to happen when they should have, maybe he would have learned his lesson earlier.

    Have a good visit. Concentrate on letting your son know how much you love him. Try to enjoy the time you have together. The future will take care of itself. Try to live for the moment.
  4. Jena

    Jena New Member

    I know tomorrow will be rough for you, and I can't imagine how much you do want to see him. Yet remember you two just need to have time to see eachother with-o the talk of "future's" and everything else. There will be plenty of time for that, just take a deep breath and try to go with the flow tomorrow the best you possibly can.

    by the way he isnt' screwed, trust me he really isnt'. Right now i know it seems like he totally is and you are such a caring Mom that not only are you dealing with-the here and now yet your mind's already projecting and thinking about the future, yet he will prevail. So will you.

    Sending you hugs, let us know how it goes. Your a very strong person :)
  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Go and have a nice visit and forget about all the tomorrows. This first visit doesnt have to be about what he did and why he is there and all that jazz. Just have a visit. You can decide to start dealing with the hard stuff at a later date.

    If you can get the family therapy I would even keep the visiting and dealing with the hard stuff completely separate.

    But for now...just visit. And do keep in mind, this is going to be so hard on both of you. I dont know how they do it but you probably have to leave your purse in the car and go through a body search or metal detector. Or some kind of search thing. Awful. You probably cant touch him. It will be so hard. I always left visiting days in tears.

    But at least he is alive and you know where he is. That is more than some mom's know. It will be ok. He will be ok. You will be ok. I have a good feeling about all this.
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    K, take the visit as it happens. Don't go into it looking to the future, not even to tomorrow. You NEED to take these things 1 day at a time.

    I know it seems like his future is screwed to you. In reality his future is TOTALLY up to him. You can influence it, and hopefully be a loving influence, but you cannot dictate it.

    I was reminded of the words of a man I heard speak once. I was in high school going to a state academic competition. The man who wrote the test was the head of the sociology dept of a junior college. He had served 10 years in jail for something (I don't remember what). But he used that time to go from an angry young man to an educated man with a future. And became head of a dept at a state run jr college.

    He also wrote textbooks.

    So just because your son is in juvie, is not getting the therapy YOU think is needed, etc... does NOT mean his future is trashed.

    It just means his future is where it ALWAYS has been - in HIS hands.

    We parents NEVER have the control with think we do. We just don't. We can only do so much, and we can only influence our kids so much.

    Please just try to enjoy the visit tomorrow.

  7. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Thanks all! I don't leave for a while but am just excited to see him now. The attny and others had already warned be that going there and the next facility would be a shocker "...after all it is juvenile prison".

    This is what I'm shooting for- first, I have to find out if his therapist at this next place will allow family therapy. Second, I will have to see if it takes place during visitation hours instead of on a different day. It would really hoover to have to give up visitation to get it.
  8. ML

    ML Guest

    Just focus on the present and enjoy the visit. Hugs xo ML
  9. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Yes, just focus on having an amazing visit. Savor each second. I will be praying and thinking of you..........
    Worry about the future outside of the visit - but try not to let yourself feel anything but the moment while you are with him.
  10. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I agree, just enjoy the visit.
    I hope the environment isn't too shocking, as the atty warned.
    I'm sure you've left by now, but I'm sending strength and calming thoughts for you anyway. I know you'll need them for the ride home, too.
  11. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Fingers crossed. DDD
  12. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Well, I'm back. It's a prison- it's not like detention. He has grown about 1-2 inches and gained even more weight. His crew cut isn't too bad. They have royally screwed up medications and I sure hope the next facility communicates medication info better than this one- especially since they don't want to hear anything the parent says. It's a letting go process- I doubt very seriously he'll ever come back home- at least not before he's 18 but really, probably never. He enjoyed the visit, I think, and I was very happy to see him.
  13. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I'm glad it was a good visit, K. You needed it.

  14. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you had a good visit.

    Many hugs.
  15. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    I posted yesterday, but I guess cyberspace ate it up! I'm glad you had your visit. I haven't visited a child in Department of Juvenile Justice, but I've had to visit my child outside of our home. On one hand it's a relief and on the other hand you just want to cry your eyes out for the situation they are in. As parents, we go from on end of the spectrum of emotions to the other. We know something had to give at home, but it's just not normal for your child to be elsewhere. Hugs for your hurting heart. I am curious though, why don't you think he will ever come home? Everything is possible, you know. There will be so many changes between you both over the coming months. From what I have read you will never lose your son!
  16. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Good morning! I hope I can get a lot accomplished today! I'm going to call the Department of Juvenile Justice infirmary and see why difficult child isn't on allergy mmeds yet- he put in 2 requests and I called last week to ask them not to give him zyrtec because it triggers mania- or something. Yesterday, I learned that they are giving him tegretol and apparantly, the psychiatrist there did not add this in intentionally. difficult child's psychiatrist at the psychiatric hospital (in Feb and Mar) had switched difficult child from lithobid and tegretol to lithobid and seroquel. Department of Juvenile Justice has been giving him all three.

    Mom23: I'm concerned about difficult child coming home for several reasons- I don't think it's in his or my best interest. I know a lot can change, but we are getting more distant from each other and that will only get worse as time passes. I honestly think he would come home and be even less funstional and I would be even more afraid of what he'll do. Then there's the issue of the "well-intentioned" people in the system to contend with who handle things in a way that makes things worse instead of better.. It seems like even a more obvious set up for failure than before. Again, a lot can change, and if they give us family therapy in a way that's reasonable enough for me to attend while he's in there and the requirements for him to come home aren't more than I can do and seem worth giving a shot and I think he and I have enough of a relationship left to try, I might still try. But, I really think the odds are against it and I don't want difficult child having his hopes built up or the Department of Juvenile Justice/parole people being caught off guard at the 11th hour about this. I've ticked off our people in the county which made them defend themselves by trashing me and that has spread to the parole officer because he works with them. This whole mess has kept them focused on the tension between us and them CYA'ing themselves instead of focusing on what's really in difficult child's best interest. There's a complete lack of trust- mutually- between us. Plus, they can't even get on-board with what they are ordering and what each other is pushing for. It creates havoc for me and difficult child. I'm going to try to move so maybe I'll have more motivation to give it a chance. I want out of this county in a bad way. on the other hand, if I move now, I may never own another home so it's difficult to take those steps.
  17. AnnMarieTN

    AnnMarieTN New Member

    I'm late on this, but I'm glad you had a good visit. I hope you are able to get his medications all straightened out.
  18. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    I'm glad you got to see him, and I'm glad you're starting the process of letting go. I don't think anyone here envies you what you're going through.

    Hugs to my nephew- 2 inches taller huh? WOW!

    Hugs to you too klmno