I shouldn't have said it but . . .

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Kathy813, Jan 15, 2012.

  1. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    difficult child came over today and spent some time with us and then left to go back to the sober house. She texted me when she got there that someone had taken her laptop. Luckily, it wasn't working so they didn't get much. Someone had already stolen her Ipod (which ironically also wasn't working).

    She was mad, though, and texted me asking if I would take her for a lock for her door tomorrow. She said that she was "tired of this #$&%."

    And though I knew I should have been a bigger person, I replied, "Yes, we can get a lock for your door. I have to say that I know how it feels to have someone steal things from you."

    To my surprise, she responded, "I know you do. I wish I could take back all of the times I did that to you. I'm sorry, mom."

    I really do think I am seeing some emotional growth. Or is it wishful thinking?

  2. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Sounds perfectly normal on both counts to me. :)
  3. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    She said it, she meant it. She would've let it go right over her head otherwise. Cherish it for what it is! YAY
  4. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Kathy it's sober thinking. My difficult child said much the same to me when her ipod got stolen in the first sober house and I told her now she nows what it feels like. And she meant it. She told me all addicts steal, and she is right. When they finally get sober they think clearer.

    I do think your difficult child is learning a lot of life lessons.

  5. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    It sounds like growth to me. Isn't it amazing that the stealing had to happen to her before she could feel your pain? Seems these kids cannot learn from others' pain or experiences-they have to go through the #$%^ themselves before they feel it. Good sign no matter what!
  6. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    I am glad you said it and I am glad she responded the way she did... sounds like she is getting it. Remember it is small steps.

  7. Ephchap

    Ephchap Active Member

    Kathy, I doubt there is one of us here on the board that hasn't wished they could take something they've said back as soon as it was out of their mouths - myself included. Our difficult child's have put us through so much, particularly those with substance abuse, that at times it's hard not to say something.

    The fact that your daughter said what she did definitely shows growth, and as Nancy pointed out, sobriety. Without their brains floating in alcohol or drugs, they actually do see the world through different eyes.

    Our son stole so much from us during his 6 week crack cocaine spiral into the depths. It's hard for me not to bring it up, though every counselor always tell you that you can't go backward; only forward. I know that, and yet, it's hard sometimes not to bring it up.

    It's so great to hear your daughter is making progress. Giant steps forward. Yay !

  8. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Deb, that is one of the things that I struggle with . . . I have a hard time forgiving her for all of the hurts from the past and letting go of them. I followed her response with a long text about the growth and changes that I have seen in her and that husband and I love her very much. In the past, there were times that I even had a hard time saying that because of all of the anger I felt inside.

    I am still afraid to let down my guard and believe that the changes are real. I know that will take time but like everyone has said . . . every step forward is a good thing.

  9. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest

    I see nothing wrong with what you said. It was honest...with no hidden agenda.
  10. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    in my opinion you said exactly the right thing. From her response, it was at exactly the right moment. I have been seeing quite a bit of growth and sober thinking in your posts.
  11. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    I am also seeing growth and sobriety in your daughter.
    It's pretty amazing when they begin to transform into the "child we raised them to be". It DOES happen. I see it all the time now in my oldest difficult child...and he once stole over 10k worth of computer equipment from one of husband's clients' (a law firm).
    My difficult child son's also stole countless numbers of expensive boxed Barbies and tried to sell them for drugs apparently...no one wanted them so they ended up partying on them in the back of some kids truck from what I understand. And the list goes on...

    LOL, yep I have a hard time just letting their past "indescresions" go too!
    We all have paid such a high price in a variety of ways, huh?

  12. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    I wish there was a button that could be pushed so that I could let go. It's hard to let go of the aweful things that we've been through. Being violated by our own children. You were honest and then you made that follow-up phone call. Wow! That is huge. I can hardly let words of praise for difficult child out of my mouth without thinking I will "jinx" the situation.
  13. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I don't think you said anything wrong. You didn't go on and on and on...you just shared the truth. It surely was an appropriate response that she sent. After years and years of dysfunction it doesn't make sense to rely on quick reformation, in my humble opinion. on the other hand it sure sounds like she is taking important steps forward and I am hopeful for your family that she truly is "getting it". I think cautious optimism is warranted. Hugs DDD
  14. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    If you hadn't said it your tongue would have have been bleeding! I think these difficult children really DO need the obvious explained to them. How many times did you tell your children that stealing is wrong? A hundred times? A thousand times?

    and finally....

    *ding!* Gee, Mom...it feels terrible when someone steals from you!...

    Yeah, no kidding...
  15. compassion

    compassion Member

    Forgiveness takes time. difficult child is still stealing from us. It is nearly full time job Protecting ourselves.
  16. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I was thinking about this since I saw the post this morning. I have not lived the parent of an addicted child life... I was just thinking in terms of regretting things I have said and wishing I could say things. I think you did great personally. But I understand the feeling of wondering if it was just a dig or not.

    So, after thinking about it I realized that in my perspective, the whole question or thought about "I shouldn't have said it" really comes down to PTSD ish feelings, or that old feeling of walking on egg shells and worrying that every little thing will come back to bite us in the butt. You have a right to your feelings. Of course we dont want to just say things to hurt people, but this was not that in my opinion. I think you were bringing things full circle for her.

    She should be at a stage of being able to see her actions and how they affected you and you have a right to express it. Isn't that what we learn in therapy anyway? You said nothing mean.

    I'm glad you shared. Made me really think today. I hope you feel OK with your decision to say it. You "should" LOL (I know, no shudda's allowed)
  17. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Kathy, I am glad you said it and that she responded with kindness and remorse. I was appropriate and a good step toward healing your relationship.