I so can't deal with this right now...

[Shari]

Today was first day of school. Also the day for cgfg to come to our house. I *almost* asked for her to not come today, with the "big meeting" tomorrow, but decided not to.

Oh how I wish I had.

easy child 1, his girlfriend, and I were cutting corn to freeze. She meandered out the door, plopped in the swing, and pulled her ipod out of her pocket. She snuck it to school on the VERY FIRST DAY. I said nothing.

When I went inside, I told husband she had it. He said "so?" I said "so, its not supposed to go to school" and he said "she just went into her room and got it".

Seriously???? HOW DO YOU THINK IT GOT INTO HER ROOM, husband???? Teleport?

That was it. I walked back out.

Wee, meanwhile, had rrun out there and stuck his little nose into it and told her she was in trouble. In response, she kicked him. So I got involved. I took Wee into the house and plopped him down for sticking his nose in her business, and I took the Ipod and told her dad would deal with it from there. She said "but grandma said if I bought it, I could do whatever I want with it." I said "yeah? So mom agrees with this and dis ok with that going to school?" Well...no.

Took the Ipod in, and went back to do corn. Cgfg sat in the swing, sulking.

Few minutes later, husband came out. Talked to us a few minutes, then walked towards the house. Cgfg jumped up and ran to him and they headed to the barn. I didn't pay much attention.

I needed to go get more freezer bags, so I called husband to tell him, since I didn't know where he went.

Know where he was? CGFG WANTED TO RIDE HER HORSE, SO HE WAS HELPING HER CATCH AND SADDLE IT!!!!!?!?!! OMG. I lost it. I told him no *&^&^(*& way, and that was EXACTLY why I am so angry at him...I am super-witch step mom, and you haven't said a THING about the ipod, have you??? (no) And she's getting what from the deal? One on one daddy time in disneyland? Oh, yeah. Great job, husband. She listens SOOOOOOOO well.

I left. When I got back home, she slammed the door in Wee's face and told him to STAY OUT!

Then Weee felt bad and spent ann hour crying because she hated him.

OMG. NOt tonight people. Not tonight. PLease.

 

[TerryJ2]

Ohhh ... I'm so sorry.
Maybe when things calm down you can talk to Wee?
And after everyone gets a good night's sleep ...
of course, you'll still have to deal with-difficult child and husband.
{{hugs}}

 

[tiredmommy]

Shari... you aren't going to win this battle. I think maybe it's time to step back from cgfg. Come up with some boundaries and issues that you will address (disrespect for you and taunting Wee come to mind) and let the chips lie where they may on the other stuff. Then, let husband know that he is now 100% responsible for his relationship with his daughter and that you will address any issues that affect you & Wee as you see fit. {{{Hugs}}} It's hard to be the bad guy all the time.

 

[KTMom91]

Shari, I'm so sorry. This sounds similar to what I dealt with during my first marriage with three absolutely perfect stepchildren (not) that their father basically dumped on me every other weekend. Needless to say, we weren't married very long.

Hugs to you and Wee from both me and Hubby.

 

[DammitJanet]

Oh this is just so wrong.

 

[Shari]

Sad part is, TM, that was my plan and it failed miserably...I told husband she had it, and that was where it was going to end with me, til she kicked Wee over it. Then I kinda thought I had to change the game plan - I couldn't very well reprimand Wee for telling her she was busted and then let absolutely nothing happen to her if she knew I knew the gig was up.

Then husband taking her riding...he may as well have stood in front of me, with cgfg at his side, looked at me, and said "FU" to me. And no, I wasn't standing for that, either. Had I not stepped in? Yeah, sure, whatever. But I did.

And next time? I will either make sure Wee is away, or, most likely, I won't do, or say, a blessed thing. And when my frustration level overflows because she gets away with murder while we - nix that - while I try to teach Wee appropriate behavior, well...he can deal with that, too.

And husband had better start inhaling sharply. Cause his quick jump to help pick up supper last night was a poor start.

Tho I have to admit, he bucked up and called his ex last night (while I was gone). She told him to deal with grandma, so he's taking the thing to her grandma's. LOVE LOVE LOVE the parents in this picture. Me? I'd take it to the county support center and have them give it to a deserving, underprivilaged child.

And I'm tempted to tell her if she tells grandma anything but the truth, she can kiss me, shooting, and the horse goodbye. I told her that I would treat her like she treats me. If she lies to grandma, like usual, about what took place with me, well...that's treating me.

 

[hearts and roses]

Shari, I agree with TM. I know that's what you tried, but sometimes looking at it differently will help you to detach from a situation.

For example, we know that dealing with an alcoholic can be difficult and toxic, so we're taught in Alanon to focus on ourselves and our own behaviors and situations that we DO have control over. Perhaps viewing cgfg and H's relationship in that way will help you to be involved in what you do have control over and let the rest go - i.e., it's not your problem and has nothing to do with you. I know it's difficult, and this approach could adverserly affect your marriage, but you're beating yourself up against a brick wall with cgfg and the way in which H deals with her. on the other hand, if the change begins with you, you just never know, others may follow your lead. Hugs, it stinks living in a blended/step family, it really does. I know it was rough for my H to be a step dad many times. I think his approach would have been different if my girls were his bio-kids, but I can't change history or past events. All we can do it take it one day at a time and remind ourselves to try again. Hugs~

 

[busywend]

I do not see the problem with having the Ipod at school. It was completely allowed for difficult child during study hall or working time in a class room. It was what kept her from being distracted from all the other noises in the room. Teachers were fine with it.

Even the cell phone was allowed at school, just could not be on their person, had to be in locker.

 

[Shari]

Wend, I agree...in a normal circumstance. But she plays games on it and chats. She took the gameboy, and later, the nintendo ds to school for the same reasons. And there was no other viable reason to have those (the ipod you can argue the music aspect - I get that - she has an mp3 player that doesn't have games and it was fine to go to school). But she took those other things repeatedly - and got in trouble with them by playing them in class, etc, cause she has no study halls. And a very long history of not doing her work, anyway.

I don't even care about what cgfg did. It was what husband did that I'm angry about. And I'm not angry, I'm furious.

 

[Shari]

You're right, H&R. In the future, I'll most likely just not say a thing.

And honestly, I think this marks the beginning of the end. Because cgfg is smart. And she'll know daddy's not addressing anything, and the koi will get deeper, and I will quickly resent both she and husband, because he will still continue to try to reprimand Wee, and it won't take long for Wee to realize he's held to a different standard - heck, cgfg will probably tell him - and that will be where I end.

 

[Shari]

Oh, need to add...not my rule. When her grandma took cgfg to buy the ipod (which she did in response to no one showing up for her birthday party), she called us all and said it does not go to school.

And its an ipad touch...with games, chat, internet, etc. Not just an mp3 player.

So its not even my input here...tho I totally agree with it, given her history.

 

[Shari]

And Wee is still totally upset because cgfg was upset. He's spent a good chunk this morning making her an "I'm sorry" card.

Sorry for what? Grrr. I made a mess of this one.

 

[DaisyFace]

Shari--

This is just my opinion (and I'm certainly NOT "parent of the year" here)...but I think you need to drop some of your battles with cgfg and just focus on Wee for awhile.

Why is it your job to police cgfg? Because nobody else will do it?

In regards to the ipod - I think you should have just pretended that you didn't see it at all. If she gets in trouble for having it at school? It's HER problem, not yours....after all you didn't see it - remember?

on the other hand - kicking Wee was absolutely inexcusable and she should be in trouble with you...doesn't matter what husband says...she disrespected your son (ie the family) and she must have a penalty for that. This will accomplish two things...number one, it will enforce some boundaries with cgfg...and number two - it will show Wee that you are sticking up for him.

 

[TerryJ2]

Hugs for Wee. And you.

 

[Shari]

This is just my opinion (and I'm certainly NOT "parent of the year" here)...but I think you need to drop some of your battles with cgfg and just focus on Wee for awhile.

Why is it your job to police cgfg? Because nobody else will do it?

You are absolutely right.

I guess way back when, when difficult child 1 was still here, we obliterated the step line because it made difficult child 1 feel bad (because he was a step that "didn't belong" - and nothing was further from the truth). Back in the day when husband actually participated in this family. He had my back, and I had his. 'Cept somewhere along the way, he's abandoned me.

I told him tonight he needs to consider switching her visits here to days that aren't school nights. He didn't like it, but I don't care. Allowing her to run hilly-nilly sets a very poor example for Wee, who DOESN"T have another parent's house to go to, and I'm done being the gaurd dog.

My intent with the ipod was simply to tell him she had it and let him do (or not do) with it as he may. Had Wee not run out there, I would have stayed out of it. As it was, I stepped in with regards to her action to Wee, and simply took the Ipad in the house. That was it.

It was husband coddling her (and, in my mind, may as well have told me to fly a kite) that I got ticked off, and that part has nothing to do, really, with cgfg.

But you're right. I'm done with that situation.

We have a Wed night girls riding group. Cgfg text mesaged me tonight wanting to play softball. I deferred to dad. He said sure. So, I can be home and loaded and left for riding before she gets home from ball practice.

Perfect.

 

[witzend]

I know it's frustrating. I would let the school take it from her. It's natural consequences, and better yet, not meted out by you. As for husband? He'd have a list of chores in my house.

 

[Shari]

He was FLYING to help me last night. Which he hasn't done since last week. And honestly, that almost made me even madder...he knew he was in trouble, so he was pitching in to cover his butt. Where's he been the last 5 days??? Not helping me. Again. But I've been preoccupied with the school, so I've let that go for now.

I had a tift with husband tonight. My friend that owns the cafe had Wee during the meeting. When I got there to get him, husband had also just gotten there. Wee had a small bowl of ice cream in the afternoon, and she had given him 2 brownies, because husband was planning to leave and they wouldn't eat for a while, but we decided to eat.supper. He brought up Wee's eating habits (Wee eats several times a day instead of 3 big meals) and it just irritates the snot out of husband, and he got pissy about it cause Wee didn't eat all of his supper (wee ate 2 of 3 chicken strips and an order or fries). Wee is NOT overweight in the least, and, in fact, the grazing started as a toddler because he was losing weight, due to his activity level, per the pediatrician's advice. I'm hypoglycemic and eat several small meals. And Wee gets more easily frustrated when he's hungry. And as long as I keep fruit, veggies, or sandwich stuff on hand, he can get it himself. Just seems to be a non-issue in my book.

So husband went to the broom closet. He hasn't come home yet. I suspect he will, but I was also just wondering how I'll feel if he doesn't. And sadly, I think I could go in the house, crawl in bed, and be just fine.

 

[Marguerite]

Sounds to me like husband is picking fights over things that bug him, in order to deflect you from the bigger and more important issues.

Remember this phrase - "We are getting off topic. Our topic today is... Let is stick to that for now."

Marg

 

[busywend]

In my opinion, there is just so little communication in your marriage that it is doomed. Sorry if that is harsh. I suspect neither of you know what the other is thinking - because you are not mind readers. There is alot of assuming what the other is thinking - probably from you both.

Even the reason cgfg got to go riding when you thought she needed a scolding. You can not assume he is wrong. He may have a good reason for choosing to allow this. It is not always cut and dry, right or wrong. But, if you are not rationally discussing things it gets out of control and assumptions get made. And more annoyances and anger keep coming. Like right now, you are so angry with him you do not even care if he comes home. This is what lack of communication creates.

I am just trying to get you to see the bigger picture here. Forget about cgfg or wee for a minute - your marriage is in trouble. in my humble opinion, of course.

 

[Shari]

Wend, you are absolutely right about that. There is no communication anymore. I realized last night that I can not carry on any sort of meaningful conversation with him regarding Wee, or what happened today, or a lot of things, because he is so far removed from the situations. And that is partly my fault for not addressing it sooner. Ok, I tried to address it. But I should have forced the issue sooner.

This isn't really about cgfg. Or Wee. Its about a really big problem husband and I have.

When he came home last night, I was sitting outside. Just sitting. No book, no computer, nothing. I said we needed to fix this and he agreed. Then he went to the tv and stayed there til 1am. Not a week ago he agreed the tv was a big part of the problem. So what do I do?

Heck, the scenario with cgfg. I can't tell you how many times that same exact scenario has played out or how many times in the past I've told him how it comes across to me. He's said he just doesn't think about things like that, but he also said he agreed that it was a slap in my face. But yet, here it was, happening yet again. (by the way - cgfg rarely asks him to do anything with the horses unless its in this setup - again, he agrees that it happens this way - and my problem with his tactic is that he gets distracted from the issue (and he agrees to that) and then he forgets to do anything. And thats fine if I'm not involved.). I have never blown up about it like I did Wed night over this. Ever. And I'm not sure where to go from here, but I know this isn't good.

I'm not innocent and I'm not perfect, but when I do get him to talk to me, he won't tell me anything he wants different from me or what I can contribute to make the situation better.

I dont know what to do to fix this. I don't know that I can fix this. I just know that I am on overload, and feel entirely alone on all fronts.