I sooo knew this was going to happen!

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Tiapet, Feb 22, 2013.

  1. Tiapet

    Tiapet Old Hand

    yet I did it anyway and invest all the time energy and effort into it. I'm trying desperately to just look at it from the perspective that "well at least he got good care to begin with when it mattered most" but all else...pffft!

    So what I knew would happen did. My mother and step father are going back up north the day after he is released from having his surgery for the cancer (not even knowing the extent or anything at this point- how can you even think like this?). They are sooo homesick? Of what? The mess that they had up there? The many problems with the medical care, the place they lived, and every other gosh darn thing mom called me about complaining and crying and "woah is me" constantly about? I get it, I know they were comfortable and established and "knowing" how to get by in life up there but they really had NO friends. Very little family (not anyone that did anything for them or really talked to them). NO support, etc. What's to miss? I expected time for adjustment but they haven't even really got established here in any way shape or form. My mother wouldn't let me do this for her. Wouldn't let me set up dr's appointments for her so that she can get things taken care of for her. It was always "after his surgery". She kept wanting to go look at apartments or houses that were way beyond her means and I'd tell her so but she always said " I just have to call for my own sake", even after I warned her about how they'd want credit checks and no, she couldn't "finagle" a way around them doing it and that some places here want 2 months security (where did she think she was coming up with ANY security right now?). I have a way that she was going to get some help but she had all these restrictions on how, where, etc she wanted to live (like a house, 2 bedroom that they didn't need, etc). She was really....well seemed delusional. Just so many things I could post about. I'm just floored that she did this...so soon. I mean like I said, I kind of expected this and said I bet anything they were making me (ok they didn't "Make"me do this I did it because they needed it and wanted it) going through all the hoops I did to get them here to have a better life when their real intentions always were to go back up once he was done getting "fixed" per say.

    I really DO know my mother and the way she thinks soooo well. It's sad. I made it very clear to her though that once she does this I can't do anything more for her. That I can't in anyway help her get back up north at all and that is the truth and a fact. She is so desperate that she is leaving the very little that she brought down her, down here and leaving with basically the clothes on her back now. The were able to get a new bed since they didn't even come with one. I do not see how that is going to be able to be tied on top of their mini van to get back up there. It's a queen bed! It's not going to fit.

    This is how she has always been all my life. Up and move...just like that and sacrifice everything on a whim without thinking through everything. This time I started presenting things to her about what she's going back to, how is she going to do this, where is she going to go, etc., etc., etc. SHE DOES NOT CARE! I mean....it is truly nuts and he is right there with her! If he was just her I might seriously consider getting her baker acted but it's him to and I can't do that to him. It's not as easy.

    I know it's a lot of stress on them all this sudden change and such but there is much based on fact that I believe they went into this believing they would just go back up north and now that they found out that once he has the surgery he has to maintain the treatment immediately after (chemo?) for perhaps up to a year, assuming what ever level they find of cancer once in there IS treatable, so now it's a sudden urgency to leave because he can't stop or delay this treatment so they want to get there. ASAP! I said what if it's not treatable, God forbid? She says well then he is "home" and that's where he will die. On that one I get but not the other. I just can't believe the dr ok'd this just like that knowing nothing of all this.

    Anyway....I'm just sooo done with it and all. I really just want to finally...once and for all walk away from my mother and what she does like this to me. This is the worst case of how she's done something like this to me after jumping through hoops to help her and get her out of a mess.

    Am I really thinking rational about this? I mean I know ya'll don't know our history and all but just this alone......
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Sometimes we don't do it for them... we do it for ourselves.
    Maybe so that when all is said and done, we can look ourselves in the eye and know that we tried.
  3. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    I think Cdn is exactly right.

    You did the right thing. You did what you needed to do.
  4. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Ditto what IC and JJJ said. VERY often, MORE often I'd say, we do what we can and then we have to let it go. It stinks.
  5. Tiapet

    Tiapet Old Hand

    IC is exactly right. I had a posted in reply but it disappeared but it's ok as in the interim, last evening some really BIG stuff happened. Not that stuff like this doesn't happen and hasn't all my life but it trully, and sadly, is the ending to the long standing relationship. Sometimes you have to say honestly enough is enough. This was it.

    When your own mother calls you a liar on where you went to high school, or on something she signed and you have to go digging up year books and that transcript with her signature, there is a problem! It got really, really bad.

    The gist in a nutshell is....co dependency. I've known it for a very long time and put distance time and time again but I knew she has no one and nothing and so I did little bits here and there after pulling back. Always keeping some sort of boundary. This time I felt it was a matter of life and death and was worth risking the chance. I was very very wrong and so I pay.

    The truth...my mother is a drug addict. A prescription drug addict with mental illness and I've done all I can. She also will drink from time to time. I grew up with this since I was a small child and I do mean SMALL child. I had both my father and mother who drew me in and made me be the emotional spouse of the other and many other things that go with codependency. I could tell horror stories but I will not. When my father died in 2006 it only got far worse with my mother in ways I could not have imagined. On the other hand, she also hid a lot from me too as I had put distance from her so I did't always have to opportunity to find out the full truth (though I usually did a good job of looking first before acting, a learned behavior).

    I just did NOT know the REAL REAL situation as it was now.Ok......maybe somewhere I did.

    She is risking my step father's life now and this IS normal for her with her lies and manipulations. I've seen it before. After last night's "sit down" I opened up and spoke my mind (and I don't know if it was right or wrong) with oldest difficult child right there, step dad right there, my SO right there and confronted her on it all. I outright told her I felt this decision to go back was because she would no longer have access to medication as freely as she could up north. She admitted it! :0

    I'm so tired of justifying everything to her, to everyone as I have always done now because of her (and my sister whom I have not spoken to for over 6 months for much the same reasonings). It is a tough decision but one I didn't make lightly and will stand by with much support as now I have daughter and SO who have witness so much carnage happening to me. It has made older difficult child worried that she will turn out like her grandmother and that's sad on one hand but good on another because it's making her work harder to be sure she never does! I know difficult child most likely will not as she does not have ALL the characteristics/traits my mother does by far.

    When I was in my teen years her mother told me outright she had more respect for me then her own daughter and that 1 of the reasons my mother also treats me the way she does is that she is jealous of me. Jealous? Of what and why? I don't understand this and never have, ever. Who gets jealous of their own daughter and why. I've tried to let all that go so that I can get through life but as some of you know and probably do as well.....you always keep trying to do your best to please people you know darn well you will NEVER please, NEVER do right by, and can NEVER do anything right. And there you have it.

    So.....I now will be living completely for my difficult children....and myself when I get some breathing room from difficult children acting up. I'm treating myself gently and trying to come to terms with that I really have and have always done ALL that I could and done it right.

    Thanks for the feed back. It feels good to just get this out there now.....it was time to let go...... :(

    I wished my step father well and gave him the best advice I could going forward to best protect himself as she has isolated him from everyone and that's just dead wrong. I told him don't let it continue and when it gets too tough....WALK.....as hard as it is...he's wanted to but it kills his heart to and we all know that feeling....I pray that he finds strength somehow, someway. I pray that this doesn't kill him and that this delay doesn't cost too much in dealing with his cancer either and that he's able to get adequate care up there. He's been through far too much in life to deserve this......
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Tia, your mother is jealous because she isn't the strong capable woman you are. She will not accept her life is the way it is due to her own choices. That is not your fault.

    You did the right thing. I'm sorry you had to do it. I was fortunate that I realized in my late teens that I would never have my mother's approval, and I moved on. Odd that now she can't praise me enough....nice to hear, but I don't "need" to hear it if you Know what I mean?? My mom is who she is, and so is yours. Just as we are who we are.

  7. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Well, as others have put it so well, we do it so that we can look ourselves in the eye.
    When all is said and done, you have done your best.
    (Amazing that your mom admitted wanting the medication access!)
    This reminds me so much of my cousin! It's just that her husband died, and she got so bad that she was totally out of her mind. Even now, she's just coming out of it, three yrs later, and wondering why she did the things she did. I really want to say, Because you were a drug addict, but that would not help anything. It is what it is. Or was.

    You are free and clear. And if your husband is anything like mine, he will make you swear not to drop everything and drive up there the minute everything falls to pieces.
    Remember, your phone can call 911. That's what you're going to do when the time comes.

    Many, many hugs. I'm sending strength, and healing. Because this is loss and change, and even though intellectually you know it's the best you can do, it's got to hurt.
  8. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    I don't have any advice. Mostly because, well - there but for the Grace of God go I. Not necessarily with my Mother, but were I to be completely honest with the people I care about in the world, and a person whom I care about (counting on ten fingers most in the world whom I've never met) I'd have to say
    "Well kid ya did what you felt at the time was right based on what you knew at the time to be the best thing for everyone involved and.....(then?) Life happens. Doesn't it?

    And isn't it just so great to have people (((shrug)) ...and from what I can see in this case - not so much - who just stand here and shoot you the view they see from EITHER their own lifes experiences (and how did they get those if they didn't do the same thing? OR gently stand here and hug you from long distance and say "Meh" so now you know. I mean it would be just great if EVERY experience in life were so justly learned like putting the palm of your hand on a hot stove eye.......and pulling it back and stating to yourself - HOT D((((#%& I'll NEVER NEVER do that again - HOLY #)(*% that hurts....W)AAAA@ I'll remember those blisters as long as I live.....JJEEEEEZZZZZZZ the pain from that experience was immense....and IF I DO THAT EVER AGAIN the result will NEVER EVER change no matter what the variables are. And CHILD BIRTH.....Holy MOses...sex would be out for life. (and well if we're going back to .....never mind another post perhas) ..... If that were true? We'd never date again....(and trust me I've dated some hot men, but NEVER anything like the burner on a stove), and I've had some bad accidents, and some really horrible accidents on horses.....and I mean holy snot my personal list is like....well I told you.....they're renaming it "Stars Law" not Murphys Law. (seeking that Voodoo doll of whatever the opposite of Santaria is still no luck) .......

    But bottom line here is.....I think you were spot on to try and.........the key words in the whole entire conversation as with ANY conversation that we have that brought ALL of us together (thank GOD) was MENTALLY ILL. I mean Some days it's overwhelming. YES. SOmedays I say things about caps and butts that I think....yeah probably shoun't have typed that. (never mind everyone one else) but....truth is.....WE met because of ALL the mentally ILL people we have in our lives. We are friends because of MENTAL illness. (stops to cry a moment) WHY? BECAUSE ITS TOUGH ****IT. It's not for sissies. IT's not for the faint of heart......it's not for weakings......and SOME of us....like you have been dealing with this junk for your entire life, and BOY OH BOY could you use a break. And you have gotten a small one.....and you got your batteries recharged, and so you thought......OKAY I can battle a little more today so you went back to (not help) but what seemed NORMAL. (catch that) ........(ahhhhh but star you are so backwards) .....no I'm not. It's engrained in you. It's engrained in me. But we had therapy, and time in "normal world" and we got a taste of NORMAL" and we LIKED IT......it was a little more PEACEFUL there, and a little LESS stressful there...and we thought...WOW....WOW......lets stay here. And then the mentally ill world said "PSsssssssssst.....remember me" and our brain went....."uhhhhhh oh yeah.....we should really try now to help that now that we're a little stronger...." and we get (strong inhale sound) right back over there.

    For some of us......it's a few weeks........for some of us.....it's a few years......for some of us it's 20 years......and for the rare few...it's never. never. never. And hooray for that.

    If I did offer anything I'd only say ....YOU are a wonderful daughter, a Phenominal Mother......and one of the best friends I have ever never met in my life. I love you dearly. I would be lost without you. I think your Mom will too. Anyone that would take 10 mnutes to get to know you in a right frame of mind? (haha ----um that does include me most days ya know) ......would see that.

    Hugs & Love ----lots of it dear one.
  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    What Star said.

  10. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I totally agree, you are a phenomenal mother and daughter. Please keep that in mind.
  11. Tiapet

    Tiapet Old Hand

    yeah....what she said! ;)


    Well she got off and I'm thankful. After decision was made I could feel the "weight" of it all lifting as I always do and realize I would get "my" life back (such as it is with difficult children in the house but it is "MY" life). It's strange that I have to not only be on toes with difficult children but when she is around, my whole being is like I'm on high alert and have to be totally conscious of everything I do, think, or say at all times. It's like never, ever having a rest. I mean we're like that with our difficult children but this....this is very very different. The best way I can describe it is like having a stalker in your life and you have to be very vigilant and cognizant of your surroundings. Totally. So that you have total recall at a moment's notice if necessary to be able to retell, in detail, the "scene" per say. Also, you CAN'T do or have anything for fear of some kind of repercussion (the jealousy factor?). For example, I needed some new dishes as over time mine have gotten broken and I was down to pickings (plus difficult children take them up to room and we run out no matter how much I get on them to bring down to be washed at times). So I went to wally world and found simple blue glass ones on sale at a very cheap price. Now these are not Corelle, my first choice as they hold up far better, but too expensive for me to do these days and I need 2 sets. So I bought them. I wanted the clear set not the blue ones I ended up with. Oh well I got what I could afford and what they had. The clear set only had 1 set left. I bring them home and she is all like "Ohhh ahhh, etc..I want..." but she didn't have the money for them because as I had said, they don't have it and they had JUST gotten down here on a wing and a prayer (which my help and the donations I rounded up for them from various agencies). What does she do, she runs out at some point and BOUGHT the clear set (she was afraid she'd loose out on getting them since only 1 set left). I don't know when she snuck in a run to do that while she must have been out for something else. I only found out about her buying them when a week ago I offered her my old dishes (which would have given them a set of 4, which all they needed). She says, "no, that's ok, I got the clear dishes!" I was all like you did? Last I knew you said you didn't have money and wished you COULD get them! Just an example of how she gets caught up in her lies but also an example of jealousy and how I can get or do something and she has to follow suit even if she can't (whether due to finances or otherwise).

    I hate the fact that once she made this decision as well and went all nasty she then turns around and acts all sweet and nice (kind of like the honeymoon phase in abuse) as if nothing happened. I should be thankful she didn't continue being nasty and I am but don't go being sweet, overly and as if nothing happened and you weren't hurtful either (and no apologies). I was very hard being around her for the 48 hours after that. I just wanted it overwith. I wanted distance, not to find every possible reason to to "talk" or be nice. Oh and it didn't stop her from continuing to ask for yet more information or help for when she got back up there! I kept it very vague to non answers. For my step dad I responded but to her not so much. She would come to me and be like "I already did this and this and this and we're going to do this and this and this and I talked to blah, blah, blah and made it clear that once we're back up there it's going to be like this and not that again..." I DO NOT CARE NOR WANT TO HEAR IT!

    So this morning, true to form as I anticipated, her leaving would cause some uproar with difficult children. Though ms queen is usually the one who gets severely emotional over things like this and grandma leaving, she did not. She went off to school with a very simple goodbye! NO TEARS! I'm not sure, but I actually think that she finally sees her grandmother for who she is, as opposed to the person she used to be so close to and idolized. In a way it's sad but in another way it's a very good thing. On the other side is mr busy. He just doesn't take all the transitions good at all. With their coming and going. It messes with him badly and gives him anxiety period as his "routines" are messed with. First he had to give up his room where he played his video games and watched tv so this last month he's been basically going bananas with nothing to do (can't move the tv as it's a big old projection style in 1 unit thing that HE got himself from a neighbor through some kind of bargaining). He had semi settled his over all anxiety and fell back into routine after the first 48 hours but overall we've had battles with him all month long due to boredom. He's behaviors have been ramped up. Of course my mother never understands him fully (only sometimes when she felt like it) so she would often go off on him with HER mouth and the one thing you can't do with ODD is feed into the power struggle which is exactly what she does because she must have the power and always feels like "how dare a child do this or that or get away with this or that, etc". Anyway, this morning for him it was bad. For the first in about a week he was actually UP to go to school without a fight! Imagine that!! :) BUT, then it started happening, his anxiety as they were loading their van to go with the last of the stuff his anxiety of routine disruption happened plus I turn on computer and find that at some point last night he put a password on it at the level ABOVE BIOS! ( I have a password on it at BIOS and login). Then he refused to even give that to me. A battle ensued to get him to give it, he woudn't. He wanted to enter it and was going to "show" me what he did only he couldn't replicate how he did it. I kind of knew the screen he was trying to get to but he wasn't able to get to it. In the mean time my mom was having a whole lot to say to him (beyond what I had said and SO) so he had 3 people on him (I can get away with it as I know how and what to say but SO and her do NOT). It just escalated to beyond! He refused even more but did give me password (as I said I know how to work with him) but by then he was refusing to go to school. I knew it was going to take time to de-escalate him before he'd get into school and I knew he WOULD get there but it would take time and for everyone to back off and leave him alone! He was also upset at them leaving, which was the under tone that no one knew but me.

    He finally went up to his room, I fixed the computer and everyone else went about their business. All in all, 2 hours wasted because no on wants to listen to me on how he has to be handled because they all "know how" it should be done and "he gets away" with everything. REALLY? I don't think so. I called his caseworker during all this so it's on report and will be dealt with, he'll have a consequence for it. There is no getting away with it but yelling at him, staying on him is not productive either and I do KNOW this from years of experience! GAH.....

    Yes......I am thankful she is gone sadly...I have my life back....I don't think I can say it enough....and I've said it before in life. I can not live on edge like that ever again or anymore. It's worse then living with difficult children, honestly. Perhaps it's why I can handle difficult children as well and their koi takes a lot before it drains me. Lifelong learning primed me I guess.

    Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for the warm thoughts. I do appreciate it very much. The support helps.