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I spent the morning in tears...
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<blockquote data-quote="TheWalrus" data-source="post: 677944" data-attributes="member: 19905"><p>Thank you for all the replies and advice. It is hard, so hard. She is literally like a light switch. I will have conversations with her where she will be talking about someone and how great they are, and for no reason, within minutes, she may be picking them apart. I know that is her addiction and her disorder talking. I know not to judge people by anything she says. I know not to feed into or encourage that behavior. And I know not to give her anything personal that she can later use against me. It is exhausting at times, constantly editing in my head what I say before it comes out of my mouth, weighing it to see if there is anything she can "read" into it or "take it wrong" or "reconstruct a different way in her mind" that will bite me in the butt. </p><p></p><p>But this is an out and out lie. I didn't kick her out. She hasn't even been in my house to be kicked out. She did this before when she did live here. She came home and started this huge fight with me, over nothing, and she scared me badly. I had never seen her so angry and violent. I remained calm while she cursed me and accused me and slammed things in my house. She packed her things, left, and then told everyone I kicked her out. I found out recently she was on drugs at the time. The scary, violent, threatening suddenly made sense when it didn't at the time.</p><p></p><p>And that is why I WOULDN'T let her come back until she went into treatment. I cannot have her here, doing drugs in my house, abusing me verbally, making demands and threats. So to have her say I kicked her out is a lie. The truth is that I refused to let her in. Not without some serious steps toward recovery. </p><p></p><p>I am her favorite target, the one she makes her "default villain." My therapist (sad that her issues have made ME need a therapist) says this is common. And it is because parents are the one bridge that never burns so they can continue to set us on fire and come back again and again. They may shut doors that forever stay closed and locked against them in other relationships, but parents are the one they can always get a foothold back into. </p><p></p><p>Was I perfect? No. Did I make mistakes? Of course. But she had a beautiful life full of opportunity. She had so much going for her and so much potential. But the drugs and now the accident have created this person I don't recognize, and to be honest, sometimes fear. I found her journals from when she was using and some of the things she did and did to other people is frightening. It is frightening what she is capable of. She has no clue that I have them. </p><p></p><p>I know my little girl is in there somewhere, but she is buried beneath her addictions and illness. I pray she someday resurrects herself, without burying me in the process.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="TheWalrus, post: 677944, member: 19905"] Thank you for all the replies and advice. It is hard, so hard. She is literally like a light switch. I will have conversations with her where she will be talking about someone and how great they are, and for no reason, within minutes, she may be picking them apart. I know that is her addiction and her disorder talking. I know not to judge people by anything she says. I know not to feed into or encourage that behavior. And I know not to give her anything personal that she can later use against me. It is exhausting at times, constantly editing in my head what I say before it comes out of my mouth, weighing it to see if there is anything she can "read" into it or "take it wrong" or "reconstruct a different way in her mind" that will bite me in the butt. But this is an out and out lie. I didn't kick her out. She hasn't even been in my house to be kicked out. She did this before when she did live here. She came home and started this huge fight with me, over nothing, and she scared me badly. I had never seen her so angry and violent. I remained calm while she cursed me and accused me and slammed things in my house. She packed her things, left, and then told everyone I kicked her out. I found out recently she was on drugs at the time. The scary, violent, threatening suddenly made sense when it didn't at the time. And that is why I WOULDN'T let her come back until she went into treatment. I cannot have her here, doing drugs in my house, abusing me verbally, making demands and threats. So to have her say I kicked her out is a lie. The truth is that I refused to let her in. Not without some serious steps toward recovery. I am her favorite target, the one she makes her "default villain." My therapist (sad that her issues have made ME need a therapist) says this is common. And it is because parents are the one bridge that never burns so they can continue to set us on fire and come back again and again. They may shut doors that forever stay closed and locked against them in other relationships, but parents are the one they can always get a foothold back into. Was I perfect? No. Did I make mistakes? Of course. But she had a beautiful life full of opportunity. She had so much going for her and so much potential. But the drugs and now the accident have created this person I don't recognize, and to be honest, sometimes fear. I found her journals from when she was using and some of the things she did and did to other people is frightening. It is frightening what she is capable of. She has no clue that I have them. I know my little girl is in there somewhere, but she is buried beneath her addictions and illness. I pray she someday resurrects herself, without burying me in the process. [/QUOTE]
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