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I spent the morning in tears...
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 678072" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Walrus, this happened to me. When I told my son to leave he went to friends of ours (*I thought they were friends) who owned a motel in another city. When I spoke to the husband he answered: "This is between SON and I. You have no part of it."</p><p></p><p>I felt heartbroken and betrayed. They let him stay there for 2 years asking little in terms of responsibilities or growth. </p><p></p><p>There have been other instances of what I felt to be betrayal. Now, four or five years out I think this: I wish I had not wasted one minute in feeling sad. </p><p>They do what will work in the moment that accomplishes their short term aim. Nothing more, nothing less. Let it go.</p><p></p><p>It has happened to most of us. Even family members have ganged up on us using our troubled children to serve their own ends.</p><p>The real cost is for your daughter, whose real interests are not served by a short-term fix, or couch, or whatever she thinks she is gaining.</p><p></p><p>You know this. I know this. Unfortunately, she has to learn it. What can you do? If she is an adult, where is your control?</p><p>She does not, probably, even remember. </p><p></p><p>One of the hardest emotional consequences for me with my son is my sense of his disloyalty to me, what I called betrayal. </p><p></p><p>I need to let it go. To a large extent I have. His character is between himself and G-d, now. I have to let it go. </p><p></p><p>All I can do is to put into place good boundaries so that he cannot hurt me in real ways and as importantly, through his dealings with me, he learn that he is accountable for that which he does and does not do.</p><p></p><p>Keep posting. We are with you. We get it. There is nothing at all easy in this process. Most of all, we worry for them, and we are powerless to fix it for them.</p><p>The hurts to us are not the main thing. But they hurt.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 678072, member: 18958"] Walrus, this happened to me. When I told my son to leave he went to friends of ours (*I thought they were friends) who owned a motel in another city. When I spoke to the husband he answered: "This is between SON and I. You have no part of it." I felt heartbroken and betrayed. They let him stay there for 2 years asking little in terms of responsibilities or growth. There have been other instances of what I felt to be betrayal. Now, four or five years out I think this: I wish I had not wasted one minute in feeling sad. They do what will work in the moment that accomplishes their short term aim. Nothing more, nothing less. Let it go. It has happened to most of us. Even family members have ganged up on us using our troubled children to serve their own ends. The real cost is for your daughter, whose real interests are not served by a short-term fix, or couch, or whatever she thinks she is gaining. You know this. I know this. Unfortunately, she has to learn it. What can you do? If she is an adult, where is your control? She does not, probably, even remember. One of the hardest emotional consequences for me with my son is my sense of his disloyalty to me, what I called betrayal. I need to let it go. To a large extent I have. His character is between himself and G-d, now. I have to let it go. All I can do is to put into place good boundaries so that he cannot hurt me in real ways and as importantly, through his dealings with me, he learn that he is accountable for that which he does and does not do. Keep posting. We are with you. We get it. There is nothing at all easy in this process. Most of all, we worry for them, and we are powerless to fix it for them. The hurts to us are not the main thing. But they hurt. COPA [/QUOTE]
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