I spoke too soon? Or maybe not...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by witzend, May 6, 2009.

  1. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Last night, both L and M called separately to ask if I had any plans for Mother's Day. Each, when I told them "no", asked "do you want to do something?" It seems to be coming down to I am supplying the makings of a meal, at my house, and L and her boyfriend may cook it for me. That is, if M can make it, which we don't know because L is to call M to see if they can coordinate something. I'm still waiting to hear back.

    In all honesty, I'd rather skip Mother's Day. My relationship with my own mother is non-existent, and there's still a lot of baggage with both kids. And, I know that while neither of them are doing too well financially, I absolutely hate planning my own Mother's Day. At least they thought of me and I know that there are mothers out there that don't have that. Pity party over...

    M is going to the "assistant manager training program" at Plaid Pantry. And he and his girlfriend are getting their own apartment. It's good on the training. But the story about the new apartment came with a very very long detailed explanation of why his girlfriend's roommate was responsible for them moving. What he left unsaid was that they are moving before he saved up the three months salary he promised her he would save. There's always big red flags when major life changes come with a big long story. Heck, there's just problems with any big long story that comes out of his mouth.

    Oh, well. His problems, not mine. My problem is that I am still waiting for an apology, I think. I don't think it's ever coming, so it really is my problem. One I'm not going to deal with on Mother's Day.
  2. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Witz, there were years when MD meant nothing to Rob so I cherish even the slightest thought. Your kids called and recognize that MD is Sunday and want to be with you. WOW- so many mothers would love to have that happen. Maybe it will help to look at it that way.

    As for how you "hate planning your own MD", don't do it. No one will benefit if your heart isn't in the right place.

  3. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    PS....as for the apology you keep waiting for...with all due respect, give it up.

    Rob has never apologized. Heck, there were years when he took pride in his abuse of me and bragged about it to friends. It broke my heart and I begrudged/resented him for it.

    But slowly he is growing up. It made a huge difference in our relationship when I was able to give up my resentment of him never apologizing to me. Your M has come a long way. It's time to stop waiting for an apology and move on.

    Last edited: May 6, 2009
  4. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Wow, Suz. That advice sounds exactly like what I wrote when I said

    "At least they thought of me and I know that there are mothers out there that don't have that. Pity Party Over."


    "My problem is that I am still waiting for an apology, I think. I don't think it's ever coming, so it really is my problem. One I'm not going to deal with on Mother's Day."

    I have been making an effort to share my life and my family and my shortcomings because I don't like to come across as someone who only has advice and won't admit that there are problems in my life too. With all due respect, is it possible that you entirely missed the point and the heart of my post? That I was thinking through my relationship with my children and owning my own short-comings? I thought it would be ok to share that. Sometimes us old-timers need "a soft place to land", too.
    Last edited: May 6, 2009
  5. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    FWIW, I don't need an apology. I need to forgive him. I find that difficult to do because when I do speak to him he's got some fantastic story about how his life isn't working out so he's at best going off in yet another direction or more often than not, not following through on a promise he's made to someone who he is supposed to love. I am aware that I don't get to change that. That's what comes of growing up and he's got a long way to go, just like most kids who are 22. But I don't know this girl he's moving in with, I don't know what he's said to her, all I do know is what I know and that is that he tells elaborate and horrific lies about me as an excuse for running off in yet another direction or not following through on a promise to a loved one. I can only assume that if he hasn't told some horrible lie to her or others in his life about me, that day will come.

    Maybe an apology would help me forgive him. But I won't hold my breath. I'll just have to wait for him to show some maturity in his relationships instead. I have to say that an apology would be quicker and easier, but I be darned if I'm going to go beg for one.

    I have to say that it really does hurt that when I share my own shortcomings and that I recognize them and am trying to overcome them it seems to be met with a great deal of anger. That's why I usually don't share much any more.

    I really do hope that you all will enjoy your Mothers Days, because I know how miserable it is to spend that day feeling like the carpiest mom I know. I can tell you right about now, that is indeed what I will be feeling for a while.
  6. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Yep, it's entirely possible that I did! I know how easy it is for us to get in a rut in our thinking and don't even realize it. I certainly wasn't "angry," just trying to give you a different perspective and some commiseration since I've been in the same place with Rob (apology). But if you didn't need the different perspective or commiseration that's great!

    Witz, both of your kids want to spend time with you on MD so they obviously don't think you are a lousy Mom. Enjoy!

    Last edited: May 7, 2009
  7. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    Okay.............so I'm thinking.....

    IF it's going to be YOU buying the food, and YOU being inconvenienced for a meal that you don't even want? Then call them up and say "Look I've thought about this and your father and I are having an early brunch - but if you want to come over after XX:00 PM - I'd enjoy that."

    Kinda puts the "mom buys again" ball back in THEIR freeloading/thinking minds - and really leaves them with - just coming by to see you for you - not for food.

    WILL MOM FOR FOOD - is not an option on Sunday.

    If you think that their hearts are in the right place just their pocketbooks are not? They buy something you like - leave it in the kitchen and tell them you're going outside to watch birds.....call you when it's done.
  8. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    It's not that their hearts are in the right place and their pocketbooks are not. Their hearts are in the right place, so far as they can see what they think Mother's Day should be. It's that they couldn't be bothered to think about one single thing that they could do for me that I might enjoy. For example, they all know that I would happiest working in the yard, clearing weeds and planting flowers. It's what I have asked for in the past when they asked "what are you doing on Mother's day?" They came hours late and gave a minimal amount of effort, and very little got done. It was made clear to me in no uncertain terms that it wasn't what they felt was an appropriate mother's day gift. It's been raining cats and dogs here for weeks and is supposed to be nice this weekend. Instead of doing something I enjoy and would be helpful to me, after which I would gladly cook everyone dinner, it's not what they think I should want. So, I guess they don't like my idea of what being a Mother means, (ie: spending time together and helping each other out) either.

    But, I won't burden the board with it any further. It seems that everyone thinks I am ungrateful and I just don't care to defend myself anymore. Have a great Mother's Day, everyone.
  9. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Witz, I think we're all struggling with different versions of "I hate Mother's Day", and as a result we're too mired in our own misery to really understand yours. I appreciate your explaining your feelings clearly, because I now understand what you were getting at, where I didn't quite before. Not for any lack of clarity on your part, but because my view is clouded by my own feelings on the subject.

    I don't think anyone here thinks you're being ungrateful. I certainly don't. I DO think that we're offering the wrong kind of comfort for a problem you're not having, and it's muddying the waters, and making you feel worse.

    I too wish that your children could see that the best way to honour you on Mother's Day would be to do something that YOU like to do, rather than forcing their vision of the day on you.

    I wish I were closer. I'd help you in the garden, and then crack open a bottle of wine for you, and good Belgian chocolate for both of us.

  10. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Thank you. It's difficult to both "be grateful that they called at all" and to not agree to whatever it is that they want to do that honors me, even if what they want to do is put me to work to entertain them, and something I'd really rather not do. It just starts an argument that I'm not grateful.
  11. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    They are the ones who are being ungrateful to you.

    My mom loves to cook. So for Mother's Day, my Dad and I have in the past schemed up something that she can play with. Dad gave her a heads up, then he and I would prep everything. I'd go get some kind of wine she hadn't tried, Dad would do flowers, and then we'd let her do her thing. We sat at the kitchen counter so we would be out of the way but right there to help. (This is how I learned to cook, by the way. Helping.)

    Since I met husband, all that flew out the window! With BM and difficult children it's been crazy. So usually Mom and Dad come up, husband grills steaks or something, and we sit around. 2007, I threw a party for both Mom and mother in law. Just family! Moms, my dad, us, sister in law and her kids and grandkid. We had hotdogs and hamburgers and just goofed. It was wonderful.

    But I agree. It should be about the mother. Not the kids and what they think should be a good way to do things.
  12. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I have the same problem in reverse. easy child tends to go overboard and gets to lavish with her presents and celebrations of Mother's day and the like.

    I don't do lavish well, nor expensive. I'm a simple person with simple tastes.

    She's improving......or this year is so tight for cash she had to become more creative. Not sure which.

    But I'd often feel ungrateful because each time she did it I'd think to myself "How could my own kid not realize that I don't go for this sort of thing?"

    Sort of makes you feel like you missed a connection somewhere. And to be honest, when she goes lavish it makes me very uncomfortable and pretty much ruins the whole thing for me. (see I said it makes me sound ungrateful)

    I know her heart is in the right place. But it makes you wonder how your kid can spend their whole life with you, yet not appear to know you at all.:faint:

    Witz, they did think of you......and I guess that is something. But they don't sound very grateful. Sort of a haphazard way of going about it all with you left not even knowing if any of the plans are even definate. I doubt I'd want to bother either.

  13. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    Witz, I'm almost afraid to ask...what did M do to you to hurt you so deeply? I know it's none of my business but you sound about as angry as I am at my son. I am so sorry that Life has been so unfair to you.

    My mother and my sons have really made MD an ironically painful event for me each year. HUGS.
  14. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Hi witz, I was actually looking foward to MD this year My younger daughter is a new mom and my difficult child was doing well (or so I thought) I was looking foward to having a family day but that all went up in smoke today. (See my post about difficult child). I'm not sure what i'm going to do now but I surely do understand disapointment. I hope you can find a way to have a good day and be at peace with yourself.
  15. Momslittleangels

    Momslittleangels New Member

    I don't think that kids really appreciate and acknowledge their Mother's until they have kids of their own. Then they can see all of the work we went through and have more empathy for OUR feelings/desires/wants. Both of my girls have asked what I wanted to do on Mother's Day, so I know they are thinking about it, but they both became Mothers last year, so they seemed to have changed. It used to hurt my feelings when husband would have to force them to do something for me, but that is changing as they get older. With age seems to come compassion. I remember when things were tough (those early teen years), I would tell them that all I wanted for Mother's Day was for them to be nice to eachother for ONE day - no fighting and making me stressed. I didn't always get it, but it became a regular theme on MDay.

    I do understand what you are saying though. Happy Mother's Day to you all!
  16. ML

    ML Guest

    I celebrate all of us! I guess it always comes back to taking care of ourselves and being our own mother. I plan to take a long walk, perhaps do a facial and paint my toe nails. If I cook, I will ask someone else to do the dishes. Next time one of the kids asks, tell them exactly what you want. Maybe you just want a couple hours of their time to work with you in the garden or do some of the heavy lifting.

    Gosh I hear you on the apology thing. It's hard to forgive someone who doesn't feel they did anything to be forgiven for. As we know, the forgiveness is more a gift we give to ourselves to release us from the bondage of hurt and pain. From your post I know you already know this.

    Witz I find you to be an extremely strong mom and I look forward to reading your posts.