Sweetie, first of all, (((((hugs))))). raising a difficult child is so dang HARD!!!!!
Seeing the neuro is a good idea, but they are NOT the ones to tell you if difficult child has anything but a problem with seizures or other neurological problems. They simply are not trained to do the testing to see what else is going on. They sure cannot rule out auditory problems - way way out of their field of expertise. they may understand hwo the problems work, but they just can't test for it.
Your son needs complete testing. This means up to 12 HOURS of testing with a neuropsychologist (therapist with special training in how the brain impacts behavior), sensory testing with an occupational therapist, testing for speech and auditory issues, and more as indicated by what they find. He also need to see a therapist to work through his feelings. He needs YOU to work with a therapist to learn to help him and to handle your feelings about what he is doing, how he is treating you and everyone else, and your feelings for/about his father.
He also needs a psychiatrist to treat any mental illness like bipolar, etc.... that is going on. there is a HUGE genetic component to mental illness and we just do not get it.
In the meantime, read "The explosive child" (if you have not) and also explore Love and Logic. I would normally suggest "Parenting your Teen with Love and Logic" but they may have other books that also are super helpful. You can learn more about L&L at
Love and Logic - Helping Parents and Teachers Raise Responsible Kids. in my opinion this book is a MUST and every parent on the planet needs to read it. I also think teachers need to read their stuff for teachers. This is the ONLY parenting book that my husband got anything out of and that we could be on the same page with. It is just incredible because it stresses logical consequences while strengthening the loving bond between parent and child. in my opinion that is HUGE.
I went to a love and logic seminar a few years back. It seemed mostly geared to teachers which was a bit of a disappointment, but I still learned a LOT from it. Dr. Charlie Sr told us about a technique where we give the child a chore to be responsible for. If the teen doesn't do it, we hire somoene to do it. We tell the teen that Mr. A will be here to do this at this time and you will need to pay him Y amt. If teen (of course) does NOT pay Mr. A, then the parent pays and takes something of the teen's to the pawnshop. Teen is then given the pawn ticket and told that they can have their xbox or whatever back as soon as they pay the pawnbroker. Parent is matter of fact, as if they are discussing scrubbing a sink or other routine matter. Of course teen will be furious. If teen damages something of parents or tries to pawn something of parents, parent calls the police because that is vandalism or theft.
At this point in the audience a guy in his late 20s blurted out "So THAT is why she did it!" This was NOT a plant (it was a guy my father in law knows - father in law was a vice principal for a long time and knows a TON of people). The entire audience laughed, but we saw how POWERFUL that strategy is. The man's mother was a teacher and he was a difficult child. Mom went to a L&L seminar when he was a teen and she used the tools and they WORKED. Of course the kid blew up, was furious that mom pawned his stuff, that he couldn't steal her stuff to get his back, etc.... He also says that it was the day the tides turned and he started to change from teenage difficult child to successful educator working with at-risk teens, which is where he was when we were all at the seminar.
I was sold long before that. I went to the seminar with the mom and gma of one of my daughter's bffs - who is a easy child and has a total difficult child sister. The sister is younger and just is challenging. But these methods gave her parents the tools and strength to stand up and insist on good behavior.
THIS is a reason I suggest L&L.
You have a long way to go with your sons. They are so young, and it may not seem like it but there is hope. When Wiz was 12 and 13 I really, deep down, thought the BEST my brilliant, amazing son would have in his future was jail instead of prison. He was so violent to us, and toward many females. Now? He is a college student with a 4.0 GPA, has had the same job for 4 yrs, plus at times has held a second job, and he is a great person who is fun to be around and is an amazing big brother!
It doesn't get better than that, in my opinion.
So get the other testing, read the books, find the right people to help, and stay part of this group of parents. I KNOW it is hard. I KNOW it tears your heart out and terrifies you. But there IS hope.