I talked to my friend ...

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by TerryJ2, Jul 30, 2008.

  1. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    the one I'm worried about.

    We had her youngest son over last night for dinner. He said we were supposed to call her.

    I called today. Turns out she wanted to know how to tell her oldest son about their grandmother, who has been ill in the hospital. Turns out she has lung cancer. C. said he is very close to his grandmother and she didn't want to tell him over the phone and was going to talk to us to get some ideas (maybe she wanted us to tell him?). She ended up telling her younger two sons, who will tell the oldest this afternoon.

    Not the way I would have done it. I would have done it over the phone. In fact, I would have flown home for the diagnosis. Even though my mom and I didn't get along, it's one of those things you do when you're a responsible adult. (Get my drift?)

    At any rate, we were able to chat a bit because her boyfriend, S. has been working 12-hr days or 12-hrs of overtime a wk or something. She said she's having a great time going to the gym, shopping, and going out dancing with-S at night.

    Long story short, she said exactly what everyone expected her to say: "I just want to have fun!"

    That's great, I replied. Everyone wants you to have fun. Even your boys. She said she doubted that, and went into a dissertation on how this is her first boyfriend and everyone has reacted very strongly, and she was shocked at her boys and her mother.

    I started to say that maybe it's not just the new boyfriend-replacing-Dad thing, but S.'s personality that is an additional overlay. but then my phone cut off! (I was in a dr's ofc with-cement and glass, etc.) Aaaargh! I called back immediately, but the spell was broken and she then asked how everyone was, how were the kids, etc.

    Grrr. I told her I had emailed her and asked her to see Mama Mia (I actually got the idea when I saw Nomad's note) because I she obviously likes music and dancing. But she said she hadn't gotten the email. I think she changed servers so I'll have to get it straight. (She just responded. She changed servers.)

    At any rate, when I told her that her son not only ate everything on his plate, incl. herbed chicken, vegetables and wild rice from MN, but asked for seconds, and had ice cream for dessert, she burst out laughing. She said she'd spent a lot of time b4 she left, teaching him cooking skills. She said he's supposed to tell the 21-yr-old when he's hungry, because the 21-yr-old will just go with-o eating. And the 24-yr-old is an excellent cook, but doesn't spend much time around the house. (Especially when you served him an eviction notice! I wanted to say.)
    "I guess he was just hungry for real food," she laughed.

    I wanted to add, "And a real mom."

    At dinner last night, husband and I were talking about our difficult child and how he had to memorize all 50 states and capitols and had a huge test on it at the end of the yr. As a joke, my husband yelled, "Quick, what's the capital of VA?" The home-schooled 14-yr-old said, "I don't know."
    I think our eyes popped out of our heads.
    We both said, "But you've been there. It's between Williamsburg and Wash. D.C." He still didn't know and we had to tell him.
    "Haven't you ever had to memorize the states?" we asked.
    "What do you study for school?"
    "Whatever my mom has me read. She just tells me to read something every day and I do."


    Sheesh. She doesn't get it. Sigh.

    I just hope to d*G that she gets her fun out of her system with-o making the 14-yr-old move to another state ... and another, and another ... because S. does short contracts with-the gov't (he does something with-computers) and he moves a lot. That's not a good life for a kid.

    My conclusion: She's a flake.
    Everyone deserves to have fun. But not at another's expense.

    Thanks for letting me vent.
    Last edited: Jul 30, 2008
  2. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    My heart hurts reading this. I am so sorry.

    I too would have liked to say "and a real mom".

    But I have a big mouth. I'd have said it. And then reamed her out.

    Aw heck, give me her number. I DO wanna ream her out!
  3. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    BBK, I suspect we all will b4 this is over.
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I'm with BBK on this one.

    She's a "friend". I'd have let her have it both barrels, no holds barred. Because friends are supposed to point out when you're doing something really really stupid.:mad:

    She can "have fun" in another 4 yrs when she's actually "done" raising all of her kids. Sheesh!

    New boyfriend doesn't mean she gets to retire from parenthood.

    I've seen this happen before. (usually after a divorce) The kids are the ones who suffer, while trying to figure out what happened to the parent they respected and loved. The relationships rarely heal after such behavior. Such a waste. ugh

    At least you know she's ok.

    How frustrating.

  5. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    It does sound like she is safe - Whew

    Now we can be truly angry of her running out on her kids! Unbelievable!

    You can have fun and still live up to your mom duties but to just leave? UNBELIEVABLE!!! I don't get it!

    Doesn't she know that SHE is legally responsible for the 14 year old? She needs to be there. The older boys will not know about dentist and doctor appts or helping with school issues. There are so many things that only moms know to watch for and take care of.
  6. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    If you'd pass her number along to me, I'd like to ream her out too! What an irresponsible ditz she must be! I feel so sorry for that poor boy! Does she not realize that she just abandoned him? I have no respect for anyone who would put having a good time with a short-term boyfriend over the welfare of their own child! What kind of a mother does that? And it doesn't sound like his older brothers are mature or responsible enough to step up to the plate with him either, but of course, they shouldn't be expected to.

    What does she intend to do about his schooling? Will she be trying to get him to come live with her and the boyfriend now and be dragging him from place to place? I admit to knowing next to nothing about home schooling, but what was the reason for her home schooling rather than just letting them go to public school? Is there not some oversight on families that home school to make sure that the kids are following some sort of prescribed curriculum and that they are receiving a proper education? This boy will reach adulthood with no kind of education at all the way he's going! Poor kid.
  7. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    On top of everything else, it sounds like the poor kid has had next to no education. What a mess. Congrats to you and husband for stepping up for the kids.
  8. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    You have the sweetest heart. This situation is going to get majorly nasty VERY soon. As you know about the neglect, has anyone made a complaint to child services? Is it appropriate at this time? She isn't going to step up and "do the right thing" for her kids. The brothers obviously are hurt, and I know you want to help, but be very sure you don't neglect reporting if your state has mandatory reporting for docs, or adults (in my state every adult is considered a mandatory reporter, though it is not enforced well.)

    I feel so badly for the boys. And would also happily ream out this mom. BUT with the sudden shift in behaviors SHE may have had small strokes or some other medical problem or mental illness kick in. It is something to consider.

    Hugs !
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Not yet. I want to see her in person when she comes home and hear her game plan. I want to know why she tells certain friends certain things and leaves her kids out of it, but still thinks they're responsible enough to take care of their own lives.
    (But the 24-yr-old isn't old enough to take the news of their grandmother over the phone? Like that makes any sense.)
  10. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Just talked to husband. He said that she is not speaking to anyone. Everyone is against her. So if we talk to her about it, she will cut us off. In order to stay in touch with-the boys, we have to play the middle ground. Just stay off the subject of S.
    So that's our plan.
    Very frustrating but a good plan.

    Thank you all.
  11. ML

    ML Guest

    Yes, I think the phone cutting out was a sign. It will be good to keep lines of communication open for the sake of the 14 yo. My heart aches for him. You are a good friend Teri. ML
  12. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    If the boy isn't getting an education and mom isn't around, I'd be calling children's services. It can be anonymous. I know in Ohio, they aren't allowed to divulge who called anyway.

    I don't want her number. I want her address. She can just hang up on the phone. She'd have to hear me out in person. :grrr:
  13. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    You ARE a good friend. I just hope she comes to her senses- that something wakes her up and brings her back to reality before things get any worse for her sons.

    This reminds me of my older cousin- I have NO IDEA why. But, she was married in her early 20's and they had a son. Her husband apparently, was a difficult child and it wasn't the best of circumstances. He got into major trouble (they were older so I was never told why). He was sent to prison and she filed for divorce. At first, she tried to hard to be super-mom, which as we know is quite draining for most Moms, but impossible if you are in certain circumstances. When her son hugged his cat to death (literally- and it was from hugging- not intentional cruelty) she took them both to counseling. The son was about 4 yo. The counselor told the mom that she had to loosen up a bit and relax some, for both their sakes. The next thing you know, she is out partying with anyone who'll give her the time of day. Her son was left many times with too many people. She and my mom talked a lot for a while (my mom went through similar things after my dad's passing). Anyway, she is one of the sweetest people you could ever hope to meet. But it seemed like she just lost it and raised her son by leaving him way too much. He survived- and he is a very sweet person too. He and his mom are inseparable. But she never really came back to the real world. Everyone knows it. I don't know why- your friend's situation just reminds me of this. I guess because I could see most family members disowning her- which many in my family did. But, I had always hoped that she could get a decent job and take better care of her son and quit running around all the time.

    It seemed though, that she gave up and lost all expectation that things would ever be any different. And in my family, there is probably truth to that. I guess, I really think it was a serious depression at the root of it. Well- because I think in my cousin's mind, she was doing the best she could by surviving and not killing herself or leaving her son forever. I don't think they tried to treat depression in women the same back then- I think they just gave qualudes or something.

    Any chance you could have a heart-to-heart with this friend? Not about the boyfriend, but about how she is really feeling underneath it all?
    Last edited: Jul 30, 2008
  14. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    And now, I have thought about it and am no more so sympathetic toward this woman. There is a big difference between being in your early 20's with no real support or good job trying to raise a young child and this woman's situation. Now- it reminds me more of my mom who went "wild" after my dad died, then later remarried, then went "wild" again after my step-dad died. It might be a normal phase- but it wasn't normal to only be interested in your child if/when you were in a relationship with someone that liked family life and made it conducive to raising a child. Then, the rest of the time, only think about yourself and not care about the kid or who's watching them. I resented the PEE out of it.

    So- i am back to - how well do you really know this mother? Is she that shallow or do you think she can be reeled back in? Has she ever done anything like this before?
  15. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    This is so sad.
  16. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    WOW, this makes me mad. Really, really mad.:mad:
    How could someone do this?
    You know we, on this board, have these kids that put us through hades and back, and we stick by them no matter what. But she has a perfectly "normal" family, and she bails??? She has lost it. No doubt about it. She wants to have fun? Uh, so do I!!! But we have obligations. She has definitely just breached the rules of being a friend or parent, and has moved on to being a low life skunk.
    As Abbey says, I want to stab her with a spork.
  17. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I'm still very angry but husband is right. She will cut us off so we have to be careful.

    At some point I may be able to ask her how she feels about all of it, but I got the gist of it today when she said she wanted to have fun.

    She does not negotiate or do confrontations well. She flies off the handle and then walks out. That's what she did with-the contractors. And that's how she handled her 24-yr-old. Apparently she did the same thing to S. and they broke it off, but she went to a therapist who said that no matter whether she stays or goes, she needs to take care of unfinished biz with-him.
    I can see the therapist's point of view. I just wish the therapist knew what a slimebag this guy is.

    She has never lost her temper with-us but I have no doubt she would if we confronted her. It's a "them against me" proposition.

    Yes, she may have PTSD or depression or who knows what. Her husband died unexpectedly about 5 yrs ago. They were having dinner and then he went out to cut the grass. They live on the water like we do and there is a big hill going down to the river. He was on a riding mower or tractor and it overturned, pinning him under the water. One of the sons thought he was taking an awful long time, went to look for him and found him--saw the tractor with-his dad still in the seat, legs up in the air.
    Last edited: Jul 30, 2008
  18. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Your friend is lonely. This vulture saw that. She's probably weary of carrying the load of teen boys alone. The vulture saw that too.

    I'm so not taking her side. But I can see how she is being manipulated. Now he has her believing everyone is against her. Against them. Against her finding love and happiness. And I betcha he's playing his cards to the hilt right now.

    Ugh. I hate his type of low life.

    If she was a good mother before this scum entered her life, hopefully she'll snap back to her senses soon.

    Why can't people in these situations see that maybe gee......if everyone has an issue with this......maybe I should look at it a bit closer??

    She and those boys are fortunate to have such good friends in you and husband.

  19. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Why can't people in these situations see that maybe gee......if everyone has an issue with this......maybe I should look at it a bit closer??

    I know. Sigh.
    We p/u difficult child this weekend at camp. We're going to explain the situation as best we can with-o too many details, and tell him that we plan to have dinner with-these kids more often. He isn't thrilled with-them but he'll have to deal with-it.

    Turns out that one of the reason C. thinks it's no big deal to leave the teen home alone is because she's been doing it for the past yr anyway, while she's been going out dancing locally. So what's the diff if she's here or in TX, if she doesn't get home til 2 a.m. anyway?
  20. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    Maybe her priorities have been mixed up all along and she just didn't have the opportunity before now! I've seen a lot of other people do this same thing ... doesn't make it right. My ex thinks exactly like this! When it comes down to it, NOTHING matters more than what HE wants! His own desires come before everything else, even his own children, and they always did.

    There's nothing wrong with a widowed lady having a social life. There's nothing wrong with her having a relationship with a man or going out and having fun or having a life of her own. But no responsible parent puts their own wants and needs ahead of their obligation to their children. And if her thought patterns are anything like my ex's, you or nobody else will get through to her. There's nothing wrong with "having fun" ... but you don't dump your own children to do it! If she doesn't see this now, you'd be wasting your breath to talk to her. If I were you, I'd really be calling CPS. In just a few weeks school will be starting and one of two things will happen - either she will want this boy to go where she and the boyfriend are, or he will receive no schooling at all. Truthfully, it doesn't sound like he's been getting much of an education with her anyway. Best you intervene now before this boy just disappears some day.
    Last edited: Jul 31, 2008