I think difficult child and I got

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by klmno, Dec 11, 2011.

  1. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    our Christmas today! I was so happy to learn that they would be taking photos of the boys with their families today for Christmas, after making umpteen phone calls over the past 2 weeks to get someone to finally give me an answer. I thought that would be gift enough since the past 2 years, neither of us had squat at Christmas and I haven't had a photo of difficult child by himself or the two of us together taken in 3 1/2 years.

    Other than that, I knew it would be a difficult visit because we had to discuss the probably placement in group home....again....and how this could very well mess up the decent academic chances he has left. difficult child is scared of messing up again if he comes straight home and I told him I was too- I made sure he understood this time that my concerns were fear just like he has, not a 'not wanting him'. But he's scared for his life in the group home. There were some issues with a gang last summer that landed difficult child and a bunch of the gang members in lock (isolation) for- I don't remember but think it was a month or two. Anyway, that gang is strong in this area but wouldn't likely be in the neighborhood I live or go to the school difficult child goes to if he lived with me. But he says some of them were interviewed for this group home at the same time re-entry lady interviewed him and I am sure they would be more accessible to the part of town where the group home is.

    Then, difficult child told me at the end of visitation that the asst. superintendent there wanted to talk to me about that sexual misconduct charge he'd rec'd last mo. OK, so I had to wait for some time after visitation while the man finished meeting with other parents. It was kind of interesting to see how the boys interact with each other, pick up chairs, chat with staff, etc, after visitation is over and pretty much all parents have left. They have to do this so boys from specific units can return to the unit as a group, one group at a time.

    Anyway, finally Mr. M came and pulled me to the hallway. He asked if I was aware of that charge and I said I was but had heard about 3 different specifics about it. I told him that I knew I was difficult child's mom and maybe seeing things skewed on this one because difficult child would have been mortified if he'd ever thought I saw something like that. Then, I said difficult child had told me he'd been checking a rash in his private area and had medication slips from seeing a nurse and dr and had been given an ointment to use on it to prove it. I said I couldn't garauntee that was true and could see that maybe difficult child lied to me about that part because he didn't want to admit what he'd really been doing to his mother. But, I said, the part I do believe is that difficult child also told me that he'd seen the staff go by his window and knew they made rounds every 15 mins so he didn't think she'd be back for another 15 mins and he thought he had time. But she came back about 5 mins later and apparently that part was proven on the security tape. Plus, I know my son and although he, and we together, have some major issues, he's never exhibited any unhealthy or extreme issue in that area. (Well, I conveniently forgot the obsession phase with lingerie and porn when he was in middle school.)

    Mr. M said he didn't really believe difficult child intentionally wanted to be seen either and most staff agreed and it sounded very probable that difficult child thought he had a 15 min period of time. He said they'd started stressing the sex misconduct issue a couple of mos ago and since then, many kids have been hit on it, because they are told to keep it covered or keep their back to their 'bedroom' door, he had many on his list and that's why he was trying to talk to each parent of these particular boys just to make sure they understood. I asked if this meant difficult child had a rep now of being a sexual pervert. He said no and that most of the boys didn't- only the ones who intentionally 'show' it to staff and even then, it's usually more than one occasion. Shewww.....

    Then, Mr. M says he understood that this caused difficult child's time to be extended. Yes, because he can't have a charge (write-up) within 90 days of release. I said he was discouraged by that because it meant another Christmas, NY, and birthday. He asked if difficult child had been in lock for that charge- yes, about 2-3 days. He asked about grades, I said normally a B average but I'm not sure about the actual current status. He checked to see if difficult child was still in visitation area and he was so he pulled difficult child out with us. He asked difficult child his grades and difficult child said 2 As, 1 B, and 1 C, he thinks. He asked about release date. difficult child told him early Feb. Mr M said "how would you feel about it if I could get that moved up some?" difficult child and I both nearly fell over! difficult child's eyes lit up and Mr M asked about how far along difficult child was in his mandatory treatment. difficult child told him- now keep in mind- those 'treatments' run in groups so difficult child can't help the projected 'end' date of it. difficult child said he thought now he had about 10 weeks left so that would really put it about the end of Jan anyway. Mr. M told him not to worry about that- let him worry about that and he'd see if he could take care of it. He said maybe he could still get difficult child released a couple of weeks early. I told Mr. M that would be a Godsend because it would help difficult child academically so much to be released prior to start of next semester due to his goals. I mentioned what his transition plan was in his IEP and that going into next semester while in Department of Juvenile Justice locked him into something that completely blew that. He asked if I could send a copy and I said I could but it might be quicker if he got one from school there. He said he would then told difficult child to talk to his behavior counselor and ask her to email him. Then he told difficult child he'd go to batt and advocate for this but difficult child better stay up to par. difficult child was still lit up and said yes, sir, he will! Then Mr. M told difficult child that he was doing this because difficult child had a great mom who loved him very much and was really advocating for him quite a bit. (Say what? Not that I don't but this was actually Mr M's idea, not mine.) Anyway, I thanked Mr M profusely, then hugged difficult child again and left.

    I can only imagine what PO will assume when he catches wind of this- I feel sure he and his super will think I somehow instigated it and they might even fight against it because they are convinced I'm trying to control everything. I'm not- I just want to advocate for common sense and logical decisions instead of playing a control or power trip. I swear, this one wasn't even my idea. You never know, people in Department of Juvenile Justice sometimes do things like this to get kids out and make more room in there, sometimes a PO requests it to fit their agenda better, sometimes Department of Juvenile Justice staff just decides a particular kid really should be released sooner.

    On my way out, as I checked out and picked up my car keys, the frigging list of boys who'd rec'd the sex misconduct charge was laying right there on the table for any parent walking by to see. (Talk about a violation of privacy for minors.) Anyway, it did have about 25-30 names on it and was dated something like Nov 5, 2011 thru Dec 5, 2011. Maybe the super got involved because that seems like an awful lot of writeups for sex misconduct in one building of juvenile Department of Juvenile Justice for a 1 mo period.

    Ooopppsss....sorry this got so long... Two weeks isn't much when you're talking about a long term commitment, but somehow it seems that difficult child getting released the week following his birthday, vs 3 weeks later seems to make a difference, mentally. And it really would help me advocate for him here if he can get out prior to start of spring semester.
  2. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Well, this is very, very good news. Your son sounds like he doing better, really trying, and really getting reality. Hugs to you and now a very MERRY Christmas!
  3. buddy

    buddy New Member

    oh wow, I sure hope so, you guys really need a break.

    The gang thing is scary. I dont want him there at all now. (like it matters what I think, haha)
  4. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Wow, that'd be so great if difficult child could get out in time to start 2nd semester!
  5. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Maybe 2 weeks isn't much, most of the time. But... being able to START the semester right, is HUGE.
    Way to go, Mom... hope it works out.
  6. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    That is great news klmno!

  7. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    That's great that you both got positive input. Fingers crossed. DDD
  8. buddy

    buddy New Member

    what date do we send out to the universe for you then? I want to keep the goal in mind!!!!! As I said, I truly hope that it goes this way. I wish this guy could help with the group home situation too. sigh.
  9. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    Just one good person can make so much difference! I hope all goes well with this!
  10. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Buddy- I'm thinking about that, too. Maybe I can 'initiate' a little communication by my attny calling this guy to check on status of release date and then letting them figure out where to go from there. If the only people working against me are PO/POs super, doesn't that seem odd? Most people in sd and Department of Juvenile Justice are happy to support a Department of Juvenile Justice ward and the parent on constructive things and goals, etc. Anyway, if attny talks with Mr M and Mr M talks to POs super/PO directly, if nothing else it can't hurt for them to hear that he doesn't think difficult child intentionally 'exposed himself' to that staff lady in Nov.

    I rec'd something from the Department of Juvenile Justice school in the mail today and my heart sank- fortunately it was just difficult child's progress report & current grades and they are on par- not all Bs or better which would have helped but no Ds or Fs and IEP progress is favorable. Shewww.....

    I just found a VM from PO's super saying they scheduled a video-conference for Dec 28 with difficult child, her, PO, and then me but not re-entry lady. She says they will make a decision then. Well, she's obviously not aware yet of the Department of Juvenile Justice super advocating for an early release then because that wouldn't allow them the min 30 day submission of parole plan. I need to get an attny on this quick. I meet with one I consulted once before tomorrow. She costs less and knows a lot of ins and outs of the juvie system here but being that she's worked in it for years, she really is more sympatheitc with the system than I'd like. But the ones who don't like the juuvie system any more than I do aren't working in it so they don't know people/strategies unique to the individual system etc.

    I'm trying to remember that this early release isn't definite yet but it sounded promising and Mr M seemed to think the educational goals and the impact on education for being held past the start of 2nd semester would really pull a lot of weight. I'm going to let the attny bring this up with PO as a point to be made why difficult child should not go to group home where minimal education is practically a given, if not quitting school altogether. If they buck that, attny needs to see/hear it first-hand, I think. I''m thinking that would weigh more in getting this in front of a judge. No judge difficult child has ever seen wants education hampered for even the worst kids- well, they might not care so much for the murderers but most these kids- judges still want them getting as much education as they can and they push for the kids to still have academic goals.
    Last edited: Dec 12, 2011