I *think* difficult child will be back in town soon. here we go again...

[Signorina]

He will not be staying here. But I assume he is coming back to town as his lease ends with the semester on 5/20. His girlfriend's sis (23) tweeted that she was making a round trip, road trip up to their town on Wednesday. (4 hours each way) I wonder if she picked up difficult child & his stuff? His girlfriend is driving herself back tonight based in her FB posts.

He sent me a mothers day card but did not call nor did he return my "thank you for the card" text. He sent a nice email on Monday requesting an entry into pc17's "grad greeting" booklet which was nice. I sent him a reply thanking him for participating, gave him our plans for grad weekend (& asking him to join us for the Brewers game on fri, the party on sat, and actual graduation on sun (6/8-6/10) Radio silence.

A month ago he told me he planned to sublet a room in the city for the summer & was leasing an apt back in college town in the fall. And returning to school in the fall-which I doubt. There's no legitimate way he can afford it all. He makes great money at landscaping-but not enough for all that plus 2012-13 tuition, past due tuition AND living expenses. And he told my bro that he is buying a motorcycle -which makes me want to puke. Especially after seeing the aftermath of a fatal cycle v light pole accident on Sat. Driver was a 20yo male. Ughggh

All in all, I've had 3-4 phone conversations, 1 mother's day card and maybe 6 texts since he left the last week in January. I've initiated most of the contact.

Checked his phone records-plenty of texts to his girlfriend & her sis plus a whole slew back & forth to a number in Texas and another number in California yesterday which makes me a tad nervous.

Here we go...Detach, detach, detach

 

[rejectedmom]

I hope he joins in for the family events. I know that would mean so much to you. The rest? It is best you let go. Hugs. RM

 

[Signorina]

Yep; I know, RM...

But I will be wondering where this will go...

It all came to a head at the end of January- his lies were exposed, we were duped then had some hope thrown our way and then duped again and he took off...so there was never any resolution. I'm not expecting any resolution now that he is back in town; but I do wonder *will* he chose to be or want to be a part of the family now that he is geographically available? And if so; how will it go?

For 4+ months (and really for the whole school year) we had a "cushion" of distance...we could use distance as an excuse, or pretend to ourselves that he was actually away at school.

And his girlfriend literally lives down the street from us, so he *could* be around if he chooses to be...

Can you tell I am not a very patient woman? I WANT ANSWERS. LOL

 

[Kathy813]

husband and I went to the addiction counselor tonight. She said that she thought that difficult child was making progress and that we needed to be patient.

Patience was never one of my greatest attributes. Like you, I want things fixed now. I guess we just have to wait this out together.

~Kathy

 

[Nancy]

That should be an interesting event if he is living down the street from you. I'm sure you will have a hard time passing the house. I do hope he joins in the graduation festivities. I'll be waiting for updates. It sounds like things are happening for several of us with our difficult child's. This time of year seems to bring change.

I wish we were neighbors too. I would love nothing more than to take our difficult children to lunch and knock their heads together.

Nancy

 

[AmericanGirl]

I want to go to lunch too!

Sig, I am hoping and praying this move will be a healthy one for everyone concerned. Maybe they don't contact us because of the shame and guilt? Maybe they don't know what to say? I dunno...

 

[exhausted]

This is going to be tough Sig. I hope he at least attends one function. How long do you give this relationship with girlfriend? How the heck they think they can afford to do the things they think they can do is beyond me-no sense of reality and a whole lot of entitlement!

 

[Signorina]

Exh-they will be together 4 years soon-since their junior year in HS. She transferred to his college this year and I know that's why he stayed up there. In a weak honest moment -- he cried to h that he had to go back because he felt trapped. But he lies a lot so I don't know. I recently ran across her pinterest board & it was full of big houses, big diamond rings & wedding dresses. There was a time when difficult child was on that lifestyle path... but not anymore. She pushed him to be more independent, get the apt, move out & this delusion of independence will cost him his ability to be independent in the future unless he shapes up. And as much as I'd love to make her the bad guy, I can't. The blame must rest on difficult child.

I know he won't be living with her family this summer, but they DO enable him and have cut off all contact with us. When this all happened in August, I got in touch w both of her parents in a heartfelt way and they TOTALLY ignored me. These people were our FRIENDS-THEY LIVE DOWN THE STREET and I don't get it. And I'm sure he must be feeding them lies about us; but still? They knew my son when he was a pre-medication, straight A, varsity athlete who had a close relationship with his parents and his brothers. He and his girlfriend spent ALL their time here. They MUST see the change in him. It's bizarre. And i know they let him drink there and i *guess* they let the kids smoke weed there too. Maybe even smoke with them? Who knows? I've been told her dad is an alcoholic. He's known to be a slacker/partier. He comes from a wealthy family, plays a lot of golf; hangs with the cronies at the bar after etc. and doesn't work much. Her mom has a great career, went back to school & got an MBA 10 years ago & earns a fortune & travels the world. So maybe the slacker guy; hardworking woman is her ideal? That's why the kids hung out here so often-between her mom's job & her dad's leisure; girlfriend was practically neglected. Empty house, no dinner etc. But since then, her sister graduated uni & moved home and her grandma moved in. So, last summer they started spending a lot of time at her house. None of it makes sense.

But for the most part, I've let that part go-my worry is difficult child and I have a life to live. I do worry that she will wake up and see him for who he has become. She's adorable & on track with school. She will have other options & the pot smoking, drop out may lose his shine. And I worry about picking up the pieces if that happens.

 

[Calamity Jane]

Sig,
I hear you when you write about unresolved conflicts. You did the right thing inviting him to the grad festivities (by the way...Way To Go PC17 !). The radio silence is problem. a result of the, "Uh-oh, now that I'm gonna be in the area, what the heck do I do about awkward family activities I managed to avoid last semester?" The ball is in his court now regarding the Brewers game, etc.
My guess is he's had time to reflect, he's been at least feigning independence, he earns his own money, and I guess he's still happy with girlfriend. She's probably trying to show you she's a genuinely good person by going overboard with the thank you card for the birthday card. I think she wants to mend fences on his behalf, and probably has no idea why you're not more loosey-goosey like her Dad.
Thing is, I'm sure you and husband made it crystal clear in January what your boundaries are, and difficult child has respected them. He is polite but distant, he still remembered Mother's Day, and he still loves his brothers. It's just a lifestyle conflict between you, and it's the huge elephant in the room and it can't be ignored or glossed over.
Would you and husband want to meet difficult child for lunch one day before graduation and kind of talk things through and get the initial reintroductory awkwardness out of the way? You don't have to budge on your beliefs, nor does he. You can just honestly acknowledge that you know he still loves your family, you still love him, you want him to participate in family milestones, but you still don't agree with his lifestyle. You are leaving the door open for him to swallow his pride (like that would ever happen - lol), and maybe give him some space to think about what he's missed. No hysterics, no judgement, just honest, adult discourse that I know will just kill you as you restrain yourself from leaping across the table and strangling him - I know that would be my reaction, anyway! difficult child just showing up cold at a big deal like a graduation weekend without some private, pleasant re-entry might be uncomfortable all around. I wouldn't invite girlfriend to the lunch - just private betw. difficult child, you and husband.

 

[Signorina]

Wise words CJ. Something to ponder. We've been there done that - drove up to see him in November to break the ice b4 he came home for the holidays. So I am not sure h will be willing to do it again. But maybe I will do it alone.. I've got to sit on my fingers and let this unfold for a bit. Did I mention that I am not a patient person? :-/

In the meantime-difficult child IS back in town & we haven't heard from him. I know he's back bc I checked his phone records & they're in real time. The odd numbers I saw? I googled & they're Craigslist scam calls. Yep, he listed the laptop we gave him for christmas on CL. Just like you all warned me he would way back in december. Live & learn. Every gift we gave him in the past 2 years is gone. No more gifts in his future. Also seems to suggest he has no real plans to go back to school. On 1 hand, checking his phone records is probably "dialing pain" yet on the other hand-it helps me let go. Shatters any illusions. Dose of reality. Plus I know he is alive. How pathetic.

Between the laptop & the radio silence -- I'm hurt & h's MAD. H can't understand why I'm hurt and not mad and vice versa. So he gets madder and I get sadder. I hate this. Trying hard to acknowledge it/recognize it before it wears on us as a couple. Ugh...Here we go.

 

[Nancy]

Sig I just found out my difficult child listed her ipod on craigslist that I had engraved for her when she was int he sober house. I also think she sold her laptop on craigslist but I am afraid to look so I will just let it be. I'm sure she has sold everything we have given her including her clothes. She aslo has toms of scam calls and emails because she applied for jobs listed on craigslist...all scams by the way. They all told her to send for a credit app and bring it with her to the interview (which of course never materializes) by clicking on this link------dumb dumb dumb. That links goes right back to them and has all her financial data on it including social security number. She will be in economic ruin land for the rest of her life. She is lucky she didn't get killed chasing down some of those leads. The emails she gets are all the same, same wording, same scam, telling her congratulations you are one of five finalists, this of course within munutes of her emailing them her resume.

I understand why you are hurt and mad, I was so hurt when I saw the ipod listed. It broke my heart that the things we gave her that I thought meant a lot to her were sold for drugs or living expenses because their lifestyle has caused them to be destitute.

I wonder if you will hear from him regarding the graduation events. I suspect he is too embarrassed to contact you, doesn't know how he will explain things.

Nancy

 

[pinevalley]

Sig: I can really understand why you are hurt by your difficult child. I'm sure that your h will understand your emotions too, it just might take a little time. You and your h work very well together through all the problems with your difficult child, and that is so important for couples to do.

I really like the suggestions offered by CJ about meeting difficult child for lunch before all the family celebrations on graduation week-end. Your difficult child might be too embarrassed to get together with the entire family without meeting or talking to you first. I'm sure that whatever decision you make will be the right thing to do for you and your family.

Congratulations to easy child 17 on his graduation! It sounds like you have planned a great week-end of activities for your family.

HUGS....

 

[ThreeShadows]

Hey, cara Signorina! I will be at the Vatican this week. I will pray for your boy as I will pray for all those who are addicted to substances. God bless your mother-heart!

 

[Signorina]

Oh Three Shadows-have a wonderful time! I am so jealous. We were there 5 years ago and it was fabulous. PC15 was only 10 but he was fascinated. We climbed the dome in 90 degree weather and it's a favorite family memory. The boys raced their way to the top towards the end and it was one of those times I wish I could bottle up and hold onto forever.

PC17s uni has a Rome campus and I am hoping he will spend a semester there so I can go back!!

Grazie for the prayers and Buon Viaggio!!!!

 

[rejectedmom]

Men seem to get angry first then they taper into sadness. By that time the female is in acceptance and so you still are not in sync. My husband and I are only just beginning to sync now and we are at this detachment thing for 5 years now. The thing is you have to honor that men will have different emotions and reactions than woman and try to find a middle ground so you can remain unified in dealing with your difficult child. Fact is, difficult child's are hard on marriages. Take time to be a couple without difficult child stuff intruding into your conversation. Keep nourishing the marriage and it will remain strong. Hugs. -RM

 

[BusynMember]

Hi, Sig. I seriously don't know what I'd have done if I'd lived closer to Scott when all this stuff first happened to us. It was better in my opinion that he was a state away.

in my opinion only, and I respect the other suggestions, I would not go out of my way to give him a reminder of Memory Road and how much it means to all of you to have him at family affairs. I mean, you know your son better than i do, but when I did that, it backfired and I felt even worse. When my father was very sick (he was 85) I asked Scott to at least call him for his sake. After all, Scott wasn't angry at HIM. He did not do it. It caused so many mixed emotion inside of me (none of them good) that I'd hate for you to have to go through that crapola. I really think an invite is enough to let him know he is welcome, and his actions will be his response. He is being very difficult now and may just feel rebellious toward anything you say. And who knows if this girlfriend that you like so much isn't feeding into his stuff? I found "less is more." Get your point across with as little interaction as possible and wait. He may come back, but most likely on his terms and maybe with conditions.

One thing we can retain is our pride.

I was very sad about Scott for a long time. Then eventually I got busy with other stuff and it got better. Then I had my meeting with him, one that I hope you never have to experience, and the pain is almost gone. Time is your friend.

(((Hugs)))

 

[lovemysons]

Sig...Hugs.

Sounds like you have a WHOLE lot of concerns right now re: difficult child moving back for the summer. Am hoping difficult child will get his act together one of these days and live up to the son you raised. I know you are an outstanding mom...I read it in your posts.

So happy for your easy child and graduation. Isn't it wonderful that we have easy child's to remind us that we really have done a good job after all. My easy child gives me so much relief from the difficult child experience.

I understand your husband being angry about the laptop. He works hard for the provision and it is just tossed aside like nothing. I also understand your hurt and pain that difficult child is not living up to his full potential right now.
Trying to respect the different emotions mothers and fathers have over the difficult child experience can be a delicate walk...but can be done. I think RM said it beautifully.

Thinking of you.
Hang in there.
Hugs,
LMS