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Substance Abuse
I think he's going down...
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 680709" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Last night I spoke the truth to my son of how I feel, how my son's presence made me feel, and how I will do whatever I need to do to keep myself safe, my home safe and my relationship safe with M. I could see my son affected. All he could say is that he was afraid. I saw him wipe away tears. It was not an act.</p><p></p><p>Of course this would traumatize them. Inside they are our children, even if they act in a million ways like intruders, betrayers, lost boys.</p><p></p><p>I think part of me wants to affect this place in my son that is a true thing. My son. Even if it causes him pain. I want him to feel pain, not that he might suffer, but so that I know he is there. Somebody that depends upon my love and needs me, the real me. Not just me of whom he can take advantage. I want to know he feels so that I can have hope, he might return. My son.</p><p>Yes. This is true. And good counsel.</p><p></p><p>We set up a special needs trust. Which we could do because my son has mental illness/capacity issues. This way my son can never control any monies and can still receive public help like Medical and SSI. This pains me because I always thought my son would receive what I have. But I see no other choice right now.</p><p></p><p>If your husband is trying by punishing your son to control an outcome by dis-inheriting him, I fear it will cause more pain to your husband, than it will control or motivate any changing by your son.</p><p></p><p>We struggle with accepting the reality of our sons' limitations and their impaired choices. It is that which you rightly point out to your husband (and to me, too). I think that is the crux of it for me, my resistance to today, accepting things as they are. Forget the future. Now. I think if I accepted now, the future would just be a series of nows.</p><p></p><p>Are your husband and I afraid to die, of letting go, our responsibility for our sons? I mean, it seems to me to be that. I am afraid that if I face today as it is, that he is impaired...I lose hope. Which is what you are saying. Is it a question of faith?</p><p></p><p>This is an interesting question to me. On a number of FOO threads we have been writing about Joseph in the bible and wondering how he was able to hold onto his faith in himself, his belief in his intrinsic value, despite how he was treated. We came to the sense that it was because he felt he was unconditionally loved by his G-d. His image of himself was that. Unconditionally accepted.</p><p></p><p>I am not a religious woman. I am wondering after reading your post if I have been limited in that in ways I have not yet faced.</p><p></p><p>So if I look at my sense of reassurance when I saw my son tears, I can see that the tears I need to feel, the hardness I need to see is in me.</p><p></p><p>What I am saying here (I am clarifying to myself) is that the relationship I seem to be seeking to restore is one between myself and hope. Not between my son and myself. If I believe what you are saying (and I do) my relationship with my son is always there. It is I who doubt.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Thank you.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 680709, member: 18958"] Last night I spoke the truth to my son of how I feel, how my son's presence made me feel, and how I will do whatever I need to do to keep myself safe, my home safe and my relationship safe with M. I could see my son affected. All he could say is that he was afraid. I saw him wipe away tears. It was not an act. Of course this would traumatize them. Inside they are our children, even if they act in a million ways like intruders, betrayers, lost boys. I think part of me wants to affect this place in my son that is a true thing. My son. Even if it causes him pain. I want him to feel pain, not that he might suffer, but so that I know he is there. Somebody that depends upon my love and needs me, the real me. Not just me of whom he can take advantage. I want to know he feels so that I can have hope, he might return. My son. Yes. This is true. And good counsel. We set up a special needs trust. Which we could do because my son has mental illness/capacity issues. This way my son can never control any monies and can still receive public help like Medical and SSI. This pains me because I always thought my son would receive what I have. But I see no other choice right now. If your husband is trying by punishing your son to control an outcome by dis-inheriting him, I fear it will cause more pain to your husband, than it will control or motivate any changing by your son. We struggle with accepting the reality of our sons' limitations and their impaired choices. It is that which you rightly point out to your husband (and to me, too). I think that is the crux of it for me, my resistance to today, accepting things as they are. Forget the future. Now. I think if I accepted now, the future would just be a series of nows. Are your husband and I afraid to die, of letting go, our responsibility for our sons? I mean, it seems to me to be that. I am afraid that if I face today as it is, that he is impaired...I lose hope. Which is what you are saying. Is it a question of faith? This is an interesting question to me. On a number of FOO threads we have been writing about Joseph in the bible and wondering how he was able to hold onto his faith in himself, his belief in his intrinsic value, despite how he was treated. We came to the sense that it was because he felt he was unconditionally loved by his G-d. His image of himself was that. Unconditionally accepted. I am not a religious woman. I am wondering after reading your post if I have been limited in that in ways I have not yet faced. So if I look at my sense of reassurance when I saw my son tears, I can see that the tears I need to feel, the hardness I need to see is in me. What I am saying here (I am clarifying to myself) is that the relationship I seem to be seeking to restore is one between myself and hope. Not between my son and myself. If I believe what you are saying (and I do) my relationship with my son is always there. It is I who doubt. Thank you. COPA [/QUOTE]
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