I think it's ALL over!!!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by mog, Sep 6, 2009.

  1. mog

    mog Member

    :sad-very::sad-very:My difficult child has been pushing his luck way tooo far.As you know he refused to go to his last appointment for medication evaluation. Ran out of medications and so many other things ( those of your know the BS that he has been pulling) He made "plan" with his ex-girlfriends mom to go over there everyday after school before he goes to the gym that the JPO set up for him. So far he has not been anywhere that follows the plan and he claims that he told me but I was not listening. So I called his ex-girlfriends mom (by the way -they are the ones that "hid" him from him the three days he was gone) she said that he told her a whole different story and was upset since all off this other stuff just happened and he promised her that he would not lie to HER but he did! She wanted to stop difficult child form going over and seeing them but I told her that it was not a good idea because he will escalade and blame me and make things worse here at home. So I guess she decided that he could still go but she will not talk to me so I dont know what is going on over there.
    Anyway he has been Occupational Therapist (OT) of control --no going to school on time and skipping class and the Jpo is "playing games" with us and the MST --he won't return any of our calls. We just found out that he made accusations about Me (again) husband, MST and now the JPO. WE have a meeting on Tuesday to decide now what to do because even though he has been a pain, he had maintained safety. Property damage is another issue. I have worked so hard to get him home and worked on so much to try to "heal" our relationship so he can stay home but he keeps telling everyone that he does not want to be here and he has NO where else to go. There are no more options. He still is thinking that he is going to slide on by like ususal but I have this gut feeling that it is over for him and they are going to inforce the 2 year commitment:sad-very::faint: I dont know what to do! The other day I left to go to the bank and difficult child asked how long i would be gone and i told him only a few min. and husband was here. Anyway I got a call from husband befor ei even fot down the hill that difficult child had taken my harddrive for the computer into the bedroom and trying to take it apart. He got it back and aparently it still works. Still ****** OFF about it.
    So next day difficult child had oral surgery to remove wisdom teeth and I thought things would be quiet for the weekend. NO not for ME. He demands to go to the football game at school and things have been so heated that MST says it s a good idea to get away from him. He invited some girl that he was trying to "hook up with" and we were so lost. we were over an hour late to pick her up then later she tells him that she has a boyfriend and just needed a ride back and forth. I feel bad for difficult child and give him money even though I told I was NOT going to give him any becasue he had not earned it. When he got home he was mad (no kidding) but while he ws gone I found out he had been rampaging easy child's bedroom and I tried to put it back to gether.
    easy child came home for the weekend and she is upset that difficult child went through her stuff and i told her I understand -we have been living it day in and out but I really feel that difficult child is not coming home after we have this meeting and I would like difficult child and easy child to be at least civil to eachother especially if he is going away for 2 years. Neither of my biological have a good relationship with the others and I really feel like "I need to make sure that the two will take care of eachother is something happens to me since all they really have is eachother" OHHH so much else!!! MY so called husband is drunk and locked me out of my bedroom. My easy child didn't want to even talk to me as soom as her friends and boyfriend showed up. I am struglling to stay a float and I feel like everyone is throwing me an anchor to sink my ship. HELP!!!HELP!!!!HELP!!!
  2. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    I know it is hard to think of him going away but he is out of control and it sounds like it will be safest for him to be in a more contained environment. Is it just Department of Juvenile Justice or will he have access to mental health care while he is there?
  3. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    mog, I think at this point, fear is your worst enemy. I mentioned before that the "commitment" might not be as bad as you think it will be. Even if he's tried as an adult, that doesn't mean he'll be put in a facility with adults or housed with adults- there are laws against that in most states if not all. Truthfully, I think it is best for him if he can't get back in a Residential Treatment Center (RTC). I felt the same about my son so I'm not saying it to be critical. If he has been receiving mental health care- more than mst- I mean medications and/or therapy for some issue other than behavior- you have a valid reason to ask the judge to include mental health treatment in his/her order for difficult child, even if he's committed. That will ensure that the facility gives at least something to him.

    I tend to worry a lot about difficult child's and my long-term futures, too, so I understand but we can really only try to deal with today and prepare for the short-term future (the next year). At least that is the way I look at it. It sounds like the difficult child crisis has spun the entire family into chaos, which is not uncommon. If you resolve yourself that difficult child needs to be someplace else for a while and he goes, you can then take a breather and see if husband will work with you to get back a better relationship and restore your "household", even if that means some therapy for you both.

    Honestly, instead of pushing to keep your son from committal right now, I think you and he would be better off now and in the future, to talk to his attny and push for things like making sure they send your son to a safe facility (make sure they have him doccumented as non-violent), getting recommendations from people for mental health treatment while he's there, etc. It's not the end of the world. MST gave you hope for a while but it's not what it's made out to be, in my humble opinion, it's nothing but an "enabler" in the system. Personally, I thought I would die when my son was committed but it's better than falling thru the loopholes and continuing to get worse until he did something that 1 or 2 years incarcerated wouldn't be enough.

    Obviously, your son is not going to turn himself around until he decides to and he's not going to decide to until he has a rude awakening it sounds like. It will be a whole lot better for him to have that happen at 16 or 17 yo than in his 20's. I know it's not ideal- I'm living thru this remember, and our system hoovers. But as I'd LOVE to tell the people in the system, we can't make any of it ideal, we can only look at the feasible options that are there and advocate for the best of those options and if something has not worked, then we shouldn't keep trying it.

    Do you know the serenity prayer? (You don't need to be religious for that one.)
    Last edited: Sep 6, 2009
  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    First off I am sending a great big long hug. Go ahead and cry on my shoulder, let it all go for a few minutes. I want you to first follow these next few instructions, please. They won't take long, I promise. Not unless you want them too.

    Put your right hand on your left bicep. Grab hold and keep it there. Now, with your right hand in place, put your left hand on your right bicep. (I mean it. scroll you you can see the next few sentences and then DO THIS. RIGHT NOW, LADY.

    Keep your hands on your opposite biceps. Now squeeze. You are giving yourself a big hug from me!! Repeat as often as desired. ( If people look at you funny pretend I am there and talk to me. It can be a real hoot!)

    Your worries about your kids are natural but probably premature. IT is NOT your job to make sure they have a relationship. It is their job. Cut yourself some slack and let them worry about it. IN the end you will have no say anyway. Concentrate on the Serenity Prayer and what you CAN and SHOULD change.

    Don't get too upset about your son being out of chances. Often the courts give more and more chances to our kids. Many here have had sons the courts drew "hard lines" about the "or else" part of "shape up or else". Then at future court dates the judge just kept threatening with-o doing much for a LONG time.

    So let yourself focus on the good things and let difficult child focus on the others as much as you can.

    Sending many hugs and prayers for your situation!

  5. mog

    mog Member

    Thanks to all!! WE should know on Tuesday after the triage meeting.
  6. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Hi Mog. So sorry he's being a PITA.
    I don't think a group home or some sort of commitment is a bad idea. He needs structure and medications, and you need a break.
    I would also put a lock on my door to keep him away from the hard drive. I have a lock on my door. My son finds the key every now and then but it's better than nothing.
  7. mog

    mog Member

    We have a lock on the door to our bedroom and the first time he got into our room it was because he went in and unlocked the window and climbed in after we left. Then we started double checking every window before we locked the door and we came home and he had the door off the hinges. Then we came home and he had used the electric screwdriver to destroy the tumbler so the door would not shut. Next we reinforced the hinges and he destroyed the door frame. Fixed the door frame and changed the lock. We got home and he had again destroyed the frame to the point that when the air comes on it will open the door. WE pretty much gave up on trying to lock the door even though we go threw the whole process but he gets in easily and I told him that I do not have anything of his and don't understand why he wants in our room. WE had a safe but his brother who was the the explorer police program (yeah right) taught him how to break in. So we got a different kind of safe and husband accidentally left his keys on the nightstand and the key went missing. I have talked everything out of the safe to show him that all that is in there is paper work. Birth cert. deeds to the property, titles to the cars stuff like that. We don't keep money in there -matter of fact no cash at all -if I can't do it with check or debt we usually dont except my license for job which they only accept money order but I fill that out when I buy it. --sorry this got long
  8. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    WOW!! He truly has NO respect, doesn't he? I would be out of my mind if my child went so far as to destroy the door to snoop in my room!!

    It is not very "correct" but I would probably beat the boy half to death with a switch if I found that. Or call the police and report him for vandalism and attempted theft and breaking and entering. Whatever they would take a report for.

    It really sounds like he NEEDS a year or two at an Residential Treatment Center (RTC). Otherwise the boy is headed for juvy or prison. He is old enough to do time in an adult prison if the offense is severe enough.

    I can honestly understand that you want your daughter to be civil with difficult child, and vice versa. But right now it is pretty understandable that she wants him to be gone. For a long time. Time may help their relationship. I have a gfgbro who did unspeakable things to me. but with a lot of therapy, and after he went to AA and really lives teh 12 steps, we have a relationship. A pretty good one.

    Are you going to al anon? It really sounds like you could get a lot of support there. The people in al anon have seen and lived with it all. Literally. They are people just like you. and me. I highly recommend it. Esp to help you with husband.

    I hope and pray you are safe and soon your home will be a safe haven, not the place where you live with your abuser.

    If he ever gets physical with him please call 911. And please press domestic violence charges. Until he really faces the legal system and loses some of his freedoms he will not have hit bottom enough to change his ways.

    Hopefully some maturity will settle in in the next ten years or so.

    many hugs, and vent away here.
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I couldnt lock my bedroom door because I mobile home door is so flimsy a butter knife opens it but I went through rounds with attempting to lock my son out of various types of lock boxes. I tried tackle boxes with a small combo lock - he just figured out the combo. I bought a metal tool box - he broke the hinges on that one. Finally I bought a fire safe that has both a key and a combo lock that has the keypad on the front that I bolted to my bathroom countertop. He isnt getting that. He has tried to get the combo before. He cant. After two tries it wont do another for several minutes. He doesnt even realize there is a key place because it is hidden and my key is hidden. My password is something I made up that he will NEVER think up and long so that even if he attempts to catch me keying it in he wont be able to guess it. He would also have to pull out my entire counter top to take the safe with him.