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I think it's time to cut off all ties to my oldest...but scared to do so...
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<blockquote data-quote="AKAnnie" data-source="post: 741982" data-attributes="member: 22641"><p>I took courage from your words. I sat and reflected all day. I thought long and hard about the journey we've been on for the past eight years. I reflected on what my daughter and youngest son had to endure. I thought about what my husband and I endured...and are still enduring. I pondered how even though our oldest hasn't lived in our home for the past two and a half years, he STILL colors our world and impacts our well being. Then I thought about my oldest. He doesn't care. He just doesn't. He's said it himself numerous times. "What? You want me to cry about it?" was/is a popular response for him. He does what he wants to do with no regard for anyone else. With ASPD, I imagine he is truly not capable of regarding anyone else, which makes him a predator. He is scary. He scares me. And so then I thought about how the rest of us bleed with hurt and the fallout of his existence in our home and lives. I thought about how we all have just one life...one...and so we should make it count, make it the best we can. So with many tears, I blocked my oldest's phone number...and then I sent him this final snap chat:</p><p></p><p>"I'm going dark. Don't know when next we'll talk. Even if we're not communicating, here's what I would like to leave with you... I know you've hurt people. I know you've hurt people in our family. Even so, you weren't born to be evil. You were born to be good and do good...and the dark forces in this world saw the threat that you were and have effectively taken you out. They have wrapped you in a haze of darkness and have so muddled your brain that you see the darkness and think it is real, not knowing that there is a beautiful, light-filled world just on the other side of the deceptions you've bought into. Here's something else I know... Dark cannot defeat the light. No matter how hard darkness tries to stifle light, it can't. Light wins. Always. So even though I won't be talking to you for a while, I can promise you this. I will be blasting light your way. We walk on the same earth. Your feet touch the same land that mine do. The wind in our lungs is the same as is the light that vibrates in every living thing. When I see grass, trees, water, birds, rain, clouds, anything and everything that either has light or can conduct light - I'm going to send my light into the ground, into the grass, into the trees, through the mountains, until it infiltrates your body through your feet, your lungs, your eyes. You cannot escape the light. The light will win. The darkness that tries to hide your light will despair at how bright and powerful and inescapable my light, my love for you, is. To little D... Do not give up the good battle. You are loved beyond measure. You are stronger than you think you are. You were made for greatness. Do not give up, my son."</p><p></p><p>I don't know if that even makes sense but it's what came out of my heart before I uninstalled the app. Maybe I wrote it more for myself than for him. At this point it doesn't matter. What matters is that I took the courage you offered and I took the step I know is the right one. My heart is bleeding but I want to start healing. I won't be a stranger here. Thank you...</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="AKAnnie, post: 741982, member: 22641"] I took courage from your words. I sat and reflected all day. I thought long and hard about the journey we've been on for the past eight years. I reflected on what my daughter and youngest son had to endure. I thought about what my husband and I endured...and are still enduring. I pondered how even though our oldest hasn't lived in our home for the past two and a half years, he STILL colors our world and impacts our well being. Then I thought about my oldest. He doesn't care. He just doesn't. He's said it himself numerous times. "What? You want me to cry about it?" was/is a popular response for him. He does what he wants to do with no regard for anyone else. With ASPD, I imagine he is truly not capable of regarding anyone else, which makes him a predator. He is scary. He scares me. And so then I thought about how the rest of us bleed with hurt and the fallout of his existence in our home and lives. I thought about how we all have just one life...one...and so we should make it count, make it the best we can. So with many tears, I blocked my oldest's phone number...and then I sent him this final snap chat: "I'm going dark. Don't know when next we'll talk. Even if we're not communicating, here's what I would like to leave with you... I know you've hurt people. I know you've hurt people in our family. Even so, you weren't born to be evil. You were born to be good and do good...and the dark forces in this world saw the threat that you were and have effectively taken you out. They have wrapped you in a haze of darkness and have so muddled your brain that you see the darkness and think it is real, not knowing that there is a beautiful, light-filled world just on the other side of the deceptions you've bought into. Here's something else I know... Dark cannot defeat the light. No matter how hard darkness tries to stifle light, it can't. Light wins. Always. So even though I won't be talking to you for a while, I can promise you this. I will be blasting light your way. We walk on the same earth. Your feet touch the same land that mine do. The wind in our lungs is the same as is the light that vibrates in every living thing. When I see grass, trees, water, birds, rain, clouds, anything and everything that either has light or can conduct light - I'm going to send my light into the ground, into the grass, into the trees, through the mountains, until it infiltrates your body through your feet, your lungs, your eyes. You cannot escape the light. The light will win. The darkness that tries to hide your light will despair at how bright and powerful and inescapable my light, my love for you, is. To little D... Do not give up the good battle. You are loved beyond measure. You are stronger than you think you are. You were made for greatness. Do not give up, my son." I don't know if that even makes sense but it's what came out of my heart before I uninstalled the app. Maybe I wrote it more for myself than for him. At this point it doesn't matter. What matters is that I took the courage you offered and I took the step I know is the right one. My heart is bleeding but I want to start healing. I won't be a stranger here. Thank you... [/QUOTE]
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I think it's time to cut off all ties to my oldest...but scared to do so...
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