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I think it's time to cut off all ties to my oldest...but scared to do so...
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 741993" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I agree with the others. Your priority and your focus now is the healing and safety of your other kids. And your own healing.</p><p>That is the right course.</p><p>Suicide threats are one way that people like your son get what they want. It is called an "instrumental threat." I worked in prisons with many people like him. It was my job to determine if there was risk of suicide or not. The patients would make threats and even identify a plan. If I believed it was a manipulation I sent them on their way. They could have done it. But the thing is you cannot give in. There are not the resources to protect somebody for whom this is one M.O. for control and manipulation.</p><p></p><p>There is not one thing that will stop people who are hell bent to hurt others or to put themselves at risk. Your son in every which way has burnt bridges in society and his family. He is clearly psychotic now, as a consequence of his drug use, apparently. This will play itself out. Very likely and very soon he will be re-incarcerated. There is no role for you. People like your son do not change as a consequence of help and support by their parents.</p><p></p><p>He is an adult now. He is responsible to society for his bad acts. And he is accountable to himself for the risk he puts himself in and the harm he does to himself.</p><p></p><p>I do not know how I feel about the memorial. We are all of us so different, and have such different needs. There is no one size fits all.</p><p></p><p>Many families have one child who bullies the others, up to and including sexual aggression. With the me-too movement we are seeing how common it is that people feel entitled to aggress sexually against who are weaker or under their control. This likely begins in childhood.</p><p></p><p>If your son had not gone out in the world and continued to be a predator, there could be options for a parent. But your son has confirmed and reconfirmed that he is dangerous. It seems that you do not believe that his behavior is a product of a psychosis, especially that which occurred in the family. But sometimes it is. By your account it seems that his current psychosis is drug fueled.</p><p></p><p>From what you write there are no stones left for you to turn.</p><p></p><p>In my own experience the agony does not easily go away. It is a process not so much of letting go of hope, but a change of focus. And then little by little we have pulled our energies back into our intact family and into ourselves. None of us (even with well-functioning kids) ever had any real control of how they live or what they do or their safety or even their lives. It is an illusion, that we do. </p><p></p><p>If the adult child has made a nice and conventional story for themselves, college or military or business, and a nice partner and kids, for example, we feel pleasure and pride, perhaps. One day they can decide they do not like us. They can decide they will move to a foreign country. They can have a mid life crisis and go off the deep end.</p><p></p><p>Your story is extreme because your son has followed a path, over and over again to deviate from normal and decent behavior. This is tragic. But your role and your responsibility have ended. There is not one thing you can do. Not one thing. Now you have to decide not just what you can live with, but how you can live. Nobody can know what heals us. It truly is one step at a time. Backsliding and baby steps forward. But you will heal I know it.</p><p></p><p>I am very sorry you are going through this. Truly I am.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 741993, member: 18958"] I agree with the others. Your priority and your focus now is the healing and safety of your other kids. And your own healing. That is the right course. Suicide threats are one way that people like your son get what they want. It is called an "instrumental threat." I worked in prisons with many people like him. It was my job to determine if there was risk of suicide or not. The patients would make threats and even identify a plan. If I believed it was a manipulation I sent them on their way. They could have done it. But the thing is you cannot give in. There are not the resources to protect somebody for whom this is one M.O. for control and manipulation. There is not one thing that will stop people who are hell bent to hurt others or to put themselves at risk. Your son in every which way has burnt bridges in society and his family. He is clearly psychotic now, as a consequence of his drug use, apparently. This will play itself out. Very likely and very soon he will be re-incarcerated. There is no role for you. People like your son do not change as a consequence of help and support by their parents. He is an adult now. He is responsible to society for his bad acts. And he is accountable to himself for the risk he puts himself in and the harm he does to himself. I do not know how I feel about the memorial. We are all of us so different, and have such different needs. There is no one size fits all. Many families have one child who bullies the others, up to and including sexual aggression. With the me-too movement we are seeing how common it is that people feel entitled to aggress sexually against who are weaker or under their control. This likely begins in childhood. If your son had not gone out in the world and continued to be a predator, there could be options for a parent. But your son has confirmed and reconfirmed that he is dangerous. It seems that you do not believe that his behavior is a product of a psychosis, especially that which occurred in the family. But sometimes it is. By your account it seems that his current psychosis is drug fueled. From what you write there are no stones left for you to turn. In my own experience the agony does not easily go away. It is a process not so much of letting go of hope, but a change of focus. And then little by little we have pulled our energies back into our intact family and into ourselves. None of us (even with well-functioning kids) ever had any real control of how they live or what they do or their safety or even their lives. It is an illusion, that we do. If the adult child has made a nice and conventional story for themselves, college or military or business, and a nice partner and kids, for example, we feel pleasure and pride, perhaps. One day they can decide they do not like us. They can decide they will move to a foreign country. They can have a mid life crisis and go off the deep end. Your story is extreme because your son has followed a path, over and over again to deviate from normal and decent behavior. This is tragic. But your role and your responsibility have ended. There is not one thing you can do. Not one thing. Now you have to decide not just what you can live with, but how you can live. Nobody can know what heals us. It truly is one step at a time. Backsliding and baby steps forward. But you will heal I know it. I am very sorry you are going through this. Truly I am. [/QUOTE]
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I think it's time to cut off all ties to my oldest...but scared to do so...
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