I think I've been disowned

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by TeDo, Sep 27, 2011.

  1. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    Don't know if any of you remember the "issue" I had with my mother about difficult child's diagnosis and her conviction that I am lying about it and that my "failure to discipline him" is the cause of everything that's wrong with him. Anyhow, I still don't talk to her unless I have to (when the boys are with me). She has yet to apologize for the things she said (she has nothing to apologize for because she was just being "honest") and I know she never will.

    Yesterday, I get a short and sweet email from her asking for the boys' social security numbers. Now, I know she thinks I'm stupid, but I am positive that she is taking me off as one of her beneficiaries on her life insurance policies and retirement accounts. There is absolutely no other reason she would need this info. There are 3 of us kids. My youngest sister(#3) was disowned when she walked out on her husband and kids and moved in with a sex offender after cleaning her EX out. We all stood behind EX and the kids. He did nothing wrong, it was all her.

    One day several months ago, Mom was complaining to me about how my younger sister (#2) doesn't talk to her much anymore. I let her vent and after a little while she said "I should just leave all my money to my grandkids". At the time, things were totally normal between us and we were having a normal conversation but suddenly I felt stabbed by this statement. #2 does not have any kids BUT so far, #2 is still a beneficiary. Now, I haven't talked to my mother for a couple months because of some things SHE did wrong and I get disowned. How sick is that? I was told years ago by a therapist that my mother was toxic. Boy, was she ever right.
  2. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    So sorry.............HUGS..............
  3. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    I'm sorry. And the hurt doesn't really go away. It does change though and you learn to live with it as best you can. I think its like someone dying but worse. The dead person didn't choose to hurt you by dying. I still seek my parents support and approval even though I know all I'll get is hurt. They are still in my life periodically but I end up getting really hurt every time.
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    My mom attempted to cut me out of her will. In fact she wrote it so strangely that it was a real stab in the back. She wrote her will to leave everything to my oldest son but that I could get $10 once a year if it was a medical emergency backed by a doctor's note and if I was homeless. Other than that, I was to get nothing. My other kids were to get nothing.

    I beat her at her own game though. I got it all. She became sick with alzheimers and her own lawyer had her sign the POA over to me. I am the only child, there was no one else to take care of her. I did it so I got everything. F her.
  5. keista

    keista New Member

    I'm sorry your mom is toxic, but did you give her your kid's info? Unless she's clever enough to set up trusts, that is a BAD idea. Kids cannot inherit, so whatever they do inherit gets held for them until they turn 18. The minute they do, the money is ALL theirs to do with as they please even if they are drug addicted hooligans and want to snort it all up in one day.

    If you haven't given her the info yet, you can at least force her to listen to your concerns and request she has an attorney set up a reasonable trust with reasonable limits on it. EVEN if their issues are YOUR fault, they have issues and she wouldn't want them being stupid with the money, would she? AFTER she hears you out she can get their info. You just never know when someone might be paying attention and take things to heart.

    by the way it is possible that she is leaving you as a beneficiary and ADDING your kids. It could happen. The only way to know is ask. The above dialogue could help fish out this information.
  6. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Janet, I have to go change my panties now, I laughed so hard!
  7. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    TeDo, did you ask her why she needed the SS#'s? Just to make her squirm I would ask. But I'm in that kind of mood. I'm sorry you feel disowned, you're mom is mean and vindictive. I don't know how people like that sleep at night. Hugs
    Last edited: Sep 27, 2011
  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    My mom used to be toxic. As a paranoid schizophrenic, she used to be really toxic. The mental illness made it so much more severe. It was hard to tell how much was the illness and how much was her actual personality or even if there was really a difference.

    I've been disowned over the years so many times it seriously is not funny. I recall one particular nasty time, actually it was the last time, and husband tried like crazy to get me to fix it somehow.....afraid that I'd be devistated. Uh, no. I just told him I needed the break. If she changed her mind? Well, the woman did give birth to me. But she'd respect me as a person or she could keep her distance. I wasn't the least bit upset.

    It had been particularly nasty because that time while she was tearing me down and "beating" me up for behavior and thinking along lines she didn't approve of......I turned around and threw it right back at her, and I held nothing back. I stayed tactful, but I really let her have it. And in all honesty? She deserved it, she needed to hear it.

    I told husband it wouldn't be long and I'd get a phone call from her. Sure enough she lasted 3 days, called me sobbing and apologizing. I stood my ground. I accepted her apology, but I also demanded respect too.

    Our relationship began to change after that. Very slowly at first. A paranoid control freak can't change their spots instantly. She back slided several times over the years. I quickly corrected her and continued to stand my ground. And now.......it's no longer an issue and hasn't been for a few years. Which is nice as it's let us develop a real relationship which we've never had before.

    But to be fair? My grandma technically raised me. So when my mom would pull her disowning routines it just didn't have the effect she wanted it to have. Until recent years I just wasn't that emotionally invested in her. So I realize it's much harder to do that with a mother who has raised you. Because my sibs sure can't manage to do it, so they're still putting up with her koi.

    First I'd ask her about the SS numbers. Then? I wouldn't give them to her. She has no right to know something so personal and, while she's your mom and I'm sure you trust her, you have no idea who else could get hold of those numbers and what they would/could use them for.

    About this koi with her not believing dxes.......eh, I'd have to go toe to toe to some extent. She can disagree when she can show her medical degree to you. Until then? She needs to learn to hold her tongue.

  9. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Just to put another spin on things... this whole "parents not accepting dxes" thing? Can be... partly caused by them looking in the rear-view-mirror and not liking what they see. Some parents expect their kids to "validate" their parenting style by raising the next generation using the same approach. When we take a different approach, its like thumbing our noses at their parenting style - or at least, they take it that way. We are "proving them wrong". And they don't like it because it proves that they had options too.

    Try taking two sets of parents with the same belief (validate my parenting style), but the two sets are on opposite ends of the spectrum... Ummm... obviously not going to work no matter what we do. So we HAD to go our own way. Turns out, for the better anyway. But... both sets of parents have next-to-disowned us over this.
  10. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    Thanks for the feedback everyone. I'm rather used to her being so opinionated and "always right". I was such a goodie-two-shoes growing up because I was terrified to make her mad (still was up until a couple months ago). The problem was, she was convinced I was a "professional liar" all my life that no matter what I said, she didn't believe me. It just really bothered me that she would think I am "still" lying about such important things. Put that together with the fact that she would stoop to this level over something so ridiculous. All I want is an apology. THAT will NEVER happen so I guess there is no point even being nice to her anymore. What goes around comes around.
  11. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    {{{{{{{{{{Big hugs}}}}}}}}}}} Tedo. been there done that. You know you're not getting an apology, right? Not that I support what she is doing, I haven't spoken to my family in over 10 years - so long I don't even know without figuring it out anymore. In my experience, your mother is manipulating, and you're not going to change that. How old is she? There may be time for a reunion, and then again, there may not. She sounds as though she is entirely Matriarchal and not going to allow you to be an adult, you will always be your child. With people like that, you have to choose if you're going to be in their lives and live in their definition of yourself, or if you will define yourself and go on without them. They rarely come looking for you. I'm so sorry. Let her do what she will about her estate. If it's lawfully unfair, I would challenge it. But that's me.
  12. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    TeDo, hugs. This is nasty. But do not engage. What she chooses to do with her will is her business. Some people like to use whatever weapons they have in their armoury and this includes using their will to lord it over you while they are still alive.

    She sounds like a classic narcissist and histrionic personality disorder. You can't use logic with these people and make it stick. She needs to believe what she believes because the truth is too upsetting for her. It is easier for her to believe that you are the manipulative liar than to accept that she is.

    I would ask her why she wants the SS numbers, then 'forget' to give them to her. Mind you, she will probably be able to get them some way or other. I think if you pay a fee you can get the info. But let her make her own choices. She's going to anyway; this way you don't have to feel in any responsible.

    And how would you feel if she gave you all her money? How would you feel about using it, knowing where it came from and the crud she made you swallow in order to 'qualify'?

  13. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    MOney.....is the root of all evil. Isn't it? I believe I live in the camp that would say something like "You know Mom, I've had problems in past with handing out my social security number so I've made it a practice in my life that no matter WHO it is - you, school, kids - if someone wants my social sec. # - I need them to submit to me in writing via mail - on letterhead their request and I will look it over and make my decision from there about letting my number go out in public. This is my standard daily practice with the internet and cyber thieves being what it is - no offense it is what it is."

    I did this recently filling out paper work for my new job and amazingly - I wasn't questioned a single bit - It was for life insurance, and I was told I HAD TO give my social security number and my families SS# on the paperwork I turned into my work. Well - No. I told my work what I told you (and that is true) after identity theft? Not happening. This is our practice. Besides ------THIS place? Leaves paperwork with SS# lay out all over the place - they don't guard MY well being like they should, MY SS# is not locked up like fort knox - so why the H would I give it to THEM - to go through all that HE&& again? AND MY MOTHERS? OMG - H no. They aren't that trustworthy......so.....no. Besides ------no one really needs it for a will or anything else UNLESS THEY die ----and then you only need it - to prove WHO YOU ARE - after they are dead. Call any lawyer or insurance agent on that one. I already did this week.

    Nuf sed.