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<blockquote data-quote="dayatatime" data-source="post: 623345" data-attributes="member: 17805"><p>Thank you, to everyone. I adore the difficult child term- that nails it exactly- all the turmoil and that fact that my boy remains the most beautiful thing I have ever laid eyes. Keeping us both healthy and pushing us both toward increasingly healthier bodies, minds, and behaviors is my warrior path. I'm a little frustrated with Al-onon lately, but I still go a bit and my sponsor has yet to kick me to the curb, though I've barely moved along on step work for about a year. I have also worked intensively with my own therapist for many years. In parenting issues though, I can still feel a little isolated. And tentative about speaking. A couple weeks ago a friend was trying to talk to me about her kid's screen time being too much (at a couple hours a day)- I just find increasingly that I can't relate. Sometimes there's a touch of compare and despair, but it's deeper than that. Today a friend's son suddenly decided he wanted to play me something on the piano- in the past he's been shy about that. I got a little teary- he was so connected to something so beautiful- or just connected to and invested in ANYTHING, had worked so determinedly and accomplished… So there's this slight shadow of self-pity, but the bigger picture is just accessing my own sadness. I find I have become a little numb. My own path has taken me from extreme passivity to needing to step up my sensitivity, watch the harshness of my boundaries. From my point of view at this moment I am the sort of person who will call the cops on her own son at the drop of a hat. But that thought is distorted, it's always hard- I never know when to do it. His room is way better than mine and I'm daydreaming about what it be like when he's away and I can take his space over, which is a metaphor and a literal plan. He needed that big room when he was little because it was where he had room to play with friends, then he had the room and I didn't want to kick him out of it. The evening after court (Wednesday) he was a major difficult child, but from then on he's been a easy child. I think he relaxes, knowing his back is against the wall- I've got him- can hold him up and in- and the fact that I need to use the legal system to do that- to make that safe container where he is not the one in control is unfortunate but I feel very, very lucky that I have been brave enough to take those actions. He's decided to try new medications- went and got them on his own- is making effort- actually sought out help. It is always possible that I am erring on the side of over-vigilance - that he get it now - but I'm still not going to let him go into a lower level of care than he and *I* need. Seriously, some respite, please. And it's ok that *I* have needs. I, too, am a human being. And the actions I'm taking are not selfish because they are exactly the same actions I'd do it I only wanted to do what is best for him. It's very good for me to read the stories of adult children still dating out. On one hand, it's sad and I am very sorry that anyone else has had this path, but on the other, it affirms my faith that taking strong action now is a very good idea. Everyone's stories have a blurred, and I kind of like it that way- to me, that's the spirituality inherent in anonymity. But a couple stories about difficult children making promises to seek help at critical junctures then not following though… I know about this little flash of apparent light in difficult children sudden PCness. That's where I feel harsh and black belty at the same time- I'm not giving this flash of compliance time to fail- I've got him good and cornered right now with the perfect storm of MH and SA referrals to long term treatment coupled with the light of (what I am expecting, but who knows) what is to come from the judge (mandating of the level of care I'm seeking)…. On the day of difficult children 16th birthday our paperwork will be processed and he will eligible to grab a bed. We are celebrating today- just the two of us, the dog, a cake, and a pay-per-view (or whatever they call it these days) movie. Because come the day of his birthday he could be gone- just in time to get him out of the house before he does something dumb after having reached the age at which he would be legally accountable as an adult. It's a plan, but a day at a time. Thoughts linger about the course of action that I will choose should he choose not to sign the papers, but I can just label those as worry thoughts and let them go. I've done my homework- know what my options are. </p><p></p><p>Toughlovin, I had already recognized elements of the dynamics at play in my relationship with kiddo while reading some of your other posts. Childofmine, I'm right there with you on gratitudes for my bottoms- that's always when my life changes. And I, too, am *so* over drama. It bores me (though I can still pick the narcissist out of any crowd- I just look for the one I find attractive). My son says he'll choose homelessness, and I have no idea how I'd stomach that if it comes to that. I pray that I will never find out. You're right- there's tons of help for people who want it. I've had a lot of help from various social services and my life is transformed. There's a Rilke poem: </p><p></p><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><strong>Archaic Torso of Apollo</strong></span></p><p>We cannot know his legendary head</p><p>with eyes like ripening fruit. And yet his torso</p><p>is still suffused with brilliance from inside,</p><p>like a lamp, in which his gaze, now turned to low,</p><p></p><p>gleams in all its power. Otherwise</p><p>the curved breast could not dazzle you so, nor could</p><p>a smile run through the placid hips and thighs</p><p>to that dark center where procreation flared.</p><p></p><p>Otherwise this stone would seem defaced</p><p>beneath the translucent cascade of the shoulders</p><p>and would not glisten like a wild beast’s fur:</p><p></p><p>would not, from all the borders of itself,</p><p>burst like a star: for here there is no place</p><p>that does not see you. You must change your life.</p><p>--</p><p></p><p>I think all the time: I have changed my life. </p><p></p><p>And, now, I can be grateful that my son had severe enough problems erupt early enough that I can intervene, though it's a pain for me, I can take it. </p><p></p><p><img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" />This is what I'm like then I'm not fraught- as I was when I first posted. My thoughts flow nicely, not like shard of a broken mirror.<img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p><p></p><p>Anonymously yours, </p><p>Day</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="dayatatime, post: 623345, member: 17805"] Thank you, to everyone. I adore the difficult child term- that nails it exactly- all the turmoil and that fact that my boy remains the most beautiful thing I have ever laid eyes. Keeping us both healthy and pushing us both toward increasingly healthier bodies, minds, and behaviors is my warrior path. I'm a little frustrated with Al-onon lately, but I still go a bit and my sponsor has yet to kick me to the curb, though I've barely moved along on step work for about a year. I have also worked intensively with my own therapist for many years. In parenting issues though, I can still feel a little isolated. And tentative about speaking. A couple weeks ago a friend was trying to talk to me about her kid's screen time being too much (at a couple hours a day)- I just find increasingly that I can't relate. Sometimes there's a touch of compare and despair, but it's deeper than that. Today a friend's son suddenly decided he wanted to play me something on the piano- in the past he's been shy about that. I got a little teary- he was so connected to something so beautiful- or just connected to and invested in ANYTHING, had worked so determinedly and accomplished… So there's this slight shadow of self-pity, but the bigger picture is just accessing my own sadness. I find I have become a little numb. My own path has taken me from extreme passivity to needing to step up my sensitivity, watch the harshness of my boundaries. From my point of view at this moment I am the sort of person who will call the cops on her own son at the drop of a hat. But that thought is distorted, it's always hard- I never know when to do it. His room is way better than mine and I'm daydreaming about what it be like when he's away and I can take his space over, which is a metaphor and a literal plan. He needed that big room when he was little because it was where he had room to play with friends, then he had the room and I didn't want to kick him out of it. The evening after court (Wednesday) he was a major difficult child, but from then on he's been a easy child. I think he relaxes, knowing his back is against the wall- I've got him- can hold him up and in- and the fact that I need to use the legal system to do that- to make that safe container where he is not the one in control is unfortunate but I feel very, very lucky that I have been brave enough to take those actions. He's decided to try new medications- went and got them on his own- is making effort- actually sought out help. It is always possible that I am erring on the side of over-vigilance - that he get it now - but I'm still not going to let him go into a lower level of care than he and *I* need. Seriously, some respite, please. And it's ok that *I* have needs. I, too, am a human being. And the actions I'm taking are not selfish because they are exactly the same actions I'd do it I only wanted to do what is best for him. It's very good for me to read the stories of adult children still dating out. On one hand, it's sad and I am very sorry that anyone else has had this path, but on the other, it affirms my faith that taking strong action now is a very good idea. Everyone's stories have a blurred, and I kind of like it that way- to me, that's the spirituality inherent in anonymity. But a couple stories about difficult children making promises to seek help at critical junctures then not following though… I know about this little flash of apparent light in difficult children sudden PCness. That's where I feel harsh and black belty at the same time- I'm not giving this flash of compliance time to fail- I've got him good and cornered right now with the perfect storm of MH and SA referrals to long term treatment coupled with the light of (what I am expecting, but who knows) what is to come from the judge (mandating of the level of care I'm seeking)…. On the day of difficult children 16th birthday our paperwork will be processed and he will eligible to grab a bed. We are celebrating today- just the two of us, the dog, a cake, and a pay-per-view (or whatever they call it these days) movie. Because come the day of his birthday he could be gone- just in time to get him out of the house before he does something dumb after having reached the age at which he would be legally accountable as an adult. It's a plan, but a day at a time. Thoughts linger about the course of action that I will choose should he choose not to sign the papers, but I can just label those as worry thoughts and let them go. I've done my homework- know what my options are. Toughlovin, I had already recognized elements of the dynamics at play in my relationship with kiddo while reading some of your other posts. Childofmine, I'm right there with you on gratitudes for my bottoms- that's always when my life changes. And I, too, am *so* over drama. It bores me (though I can still pick the narcissist out of any crowd- I just look for the one I find attractive). My son says he'll choose homelessness, and I have no idea how I'd stomach that if it comes to that. I pray that I will never find out. You're right- there's tons of help for people who want it. I've had a lot of help from various social services and my life is transformed. There's a Rilke poem: [SIZE=5][B]Archaic Torso of Apollo[/B][/SIZE] We cannot know his legendary head with eyes like ripening fruit. And yet his torso is still suffused with brilliance from inside, like a lamp, in which his gaze, now turned to low, gleams in all its power. Otherwise the curved breast could not dazzle you so, nor could a smile run through the placid hips and thighs to that dark center where procreation flared. Otherwise this stone would seem defaced beneath the translucent cascade of the shoulders and would not glisten like a wild beast’s fur: would not, from all the borders of itself, burst like a star: for here there is no place that does not see you. You must change your life. -- I think all the time: I have changed my life. And, now, I can be grateful that my son had severe enough problems erupt early enough that I can intervene, though it's a pain for me, I can take it. :)This is what I'm like then I'm not fraught- as I was when I first posted. My thoughts flow nicely, not like shard of a broken mirror.:) Anonymously yours, Day [/QUOTE]
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