I think my adult daughter never loved me

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Lia123, May 24, 2018.

  1. Lia123

    Lia123 New Member

    I had my daughter at the age of 20. I had a severe abusive childhood that made me run to the other side of the world. I promised i would do the opposite and i did. I sacrificed and loved her soo much. She met someone that i let move in i treated him with kindness and love. As time went on everything revolved around him. A lot happend but i came back from a trip and my dog was so scared of him she told me he just scared the dog fast forward i come in and my dog is cowering and he said i just chased him. I told him you cant do that. I asked lets work this out and do some research he said he would not stop so i said you either stop earn the trust back educate yourself so we can all work as a team or you need to leave. I dont condone using fear or intimidation. All hell broke loose they both ganged up on me and made it personal. It wasn't. I was shocked my daughter pushed me and hit me. I have slept very litlle nor have i eaten much. I told him he has untill next Sat to vacate since they have never payed rent. I tried talking to her and then she came to me. I dont want to argue with you and im sorry. I said i dont either then she said. So if he apologizes can he stay. No he can't i never asked for anything i only helped and cared about him. I just asked not to abuse my dog. But its my fault . im breaking them up. They have a baby. I cant believe after i said no her face changed left the room and she hasn't spoken to me. I told her i will always love you you dont have to love me but dont pretend. I dont think i know her. She is only nice for money. Im so sad. I dont know if she ever loved me. Needed me yes. She is 26 and he is 27. I don't know. What would you do? Im not overreacting am I? Thank you.
     
  2. Baggy Bags

    Baggy Bags Active Member

    Hugs, Lia.

    It sounds like you have been too generous with both of them. They should be paying rent at the very least, and definitely respecting your house, your rules, and you.

    What they did was not okay, but I don't think it means that your daughter never loved you.

    It's very painful to think that about one's child, I'm right there with you - thinking my son maybe never loved me.
    But he did when he was little, and your daughter loved you too. She may still, but is being selfish and taking advantage of you.

    I have lots of dogs and I love them so much. And they love me! Go snuggle up with your pup and get some love there.

    Stay strong and don't let them take advantage of you again.
     
    • Winner Winner x 3
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List
  3. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    I agree with bb. Your daughter does not have the right to push or hit you. If she or he do it again you need to go to the police and get a restraining order or pfa so they have to leave immediately. I am so sorry you are going through this. You have been more than generous with your home it is time for them to move on. There is an article on here about detaching you may want to read. Prayers are with you.
     
  4. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Lia and welcome, I am sorry for your need to be here. You have opened up your home to your daughter and her boyfriend and grandchild. This is not always an easy thing, sharing a home and responsibility, there are bills to pay and rules to abide by. Your house, your rules. The boyfriend has made it clear he won’t follow your expectations towards your dog. I think this is crossing a line. It sounds like things got way out of hand in “discussing”the problem.
    This is unacceptable. It’s controlling and abusive.
    I am not sure about eviction laws in your state. Some states recognize our adult children and significant others living with us as tenants, and if we wish them to leave, we have to follow due process. Unfortunately, some adult children feel it is our obligation to house them, and take advantage of our generosity and family ties. If anything, they should be paying towards household expenses, this helps them to learn responsibility and not take your living arrangements for granted. It sounds like this is happening. You are not overreacting, just in shock from this altercation. I would be upset if my adult children got physical with me, that’s crossing a big line and is extremely disrespectful.
    A living arrangement with adult children is different than our responsibility in raising them.
    There needs to be mutual agreement, help around the house by way of sharing expense and chores, and most of all, respect. Like you wrote “working as a team.”
    I agree that this incident doesn’t mean your daughter never loved you, she and her boyfriend are getting a free ride and pushing boundaries. Your daughter may be feeling that she is entitled to live under your roof, taking your generosity for granted. Are you paying for everything?
    At 26 and 27 with a baby, they should be contributing to your home.
    If your daughters boyfriend is working, then he should be able to move out and find a place for his family to live. Especially if he tells you flat out he is going to treat your dog as he pleases. That’s a red flag, if you ask me.
    I am sorry for your troubles, Lia. Hopefully, you can work things out peaceably with your daughter. Bottom line is, this is your home and these two are nearing 30. They should know better and respect your boundaries, be appreciative of your arrangement and help you with bills.
    No one gets to push, or hit. That’s a huge no-no.
    Things seem to be a bit upside down now adays, where adult children feel entitled, disrespect and take advantage of their parents. At 20, I had my first child, lived with my husband and we fended for ourselves. We would go for dinner at my folks house once a week and Mom would tell me to bring my laundry. I was so thankful for that.
    I know rent is higher now and it is harder for young adults to make ends meet. One would think that they would be more appreciative of the help. Unfortunately, it seems more of an expectation in some cases. If that is the case for your living arrangement with your daughter, and her bfs mistreatment of your dog is the “straw that broke the camels back” then, take some time and really think things through. If you are feeling that you are taken for granted, that your daughter is only “nice for money” then things have gotten out of hand, this is a lopsided deal. Not fair to you at all. That is a hard place to be, but only you can change that. Set some boundaries. One of my favorite quotes that helped me with my situation is “What you allow, will continue.”
    Oftentimes, parents give and give and give.
    Adult kids take, take, take.
    It doesn’t mean that has to continue.
    If you are having a hard time figuring out what you need to do, I suggest finding a counselor. I did. It helped me see things I couldn’t see, I was too up close to the picture.
    Take care Lia, and let us know how things work out for you. I am sorry for your heartache.
    (((Hugs)))
    Leafy
     
  5. Lia123

    Lia123 New Member

    Thank you to everyone that replied. She told me that I will never see her or my grand daughter again if I don't let him stay. I told her it's repugnant to me you would use your child as a bargaining chip to control me. I'm sorry but that will never work with me. It hurts so much because I taught her to never be like that. I always believed in nuture vs nature but she reminds me so much of my mother. She never met them. I can't believe she would want me to be treated like that by someone while supporting them. I pay for everything. I payed for everything for the baby. She is only a few months old. They are leaving. I know I am better off knowing they where just using me but i always dreamed of a family
    I never had that. If i had a mother or just being able to say mom to someone i would give 5 years off my life. I never had a birthday or christmas. I got beaten starved and forced into prostitution at 11. I never knew love but i knew how to give it. I did everything for her.never told her the sacrifices i made for her. Never burdened her. I don't understand how people can be so cruel. Im sorry for being so emotional. I usually am very good at keeping it together. Thank you again for your kind words and support. I think i might start becoming a volunteer. I have a lot of love still to give and their are a lot of people who need help.
     
  6. Baggy Bags

    Baggy Bags Active Member

    Don't be sorry, Lia. You have been through so much and given so much. This is unfair. So unfair.
    And I know how you feel - wanting the family you never had and then being let down so badly.
    I'm in the same place.

    But maybe this is the time for you to start focusing on yourself. There are people out there that will appreciate YOU for who YOU are and all the love you have inside you. I'm really feeling for you, and me. This is hard, but we'll get through it. We are strong and our lives are proof of that. Don't let this tear you down. You deserve better, and better is out there waiting for you.
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  7. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry for the things you have dealt with growing up. Life can be so unfair. I am sorry your daughter is using your grandbaby as a bargaining chip. I know how that feels.
    It is sad.
    I have come to feel that it does no good for grandchildren to grow up watching their grandparents be controlled and manipulated by their parents. Someone has to put a stop to it. Otherwise, the misconception of taking loved ones for granted is perpetuated. I love my grands, but will not tolerate their parents using me.
    You sound strong and determined Lia, and that is good. Don’t apologize for being emotional, that’s part of being human. Let it out, it is healthy to express feelings.
    Try not to write the end of the story. This may be a temporary setback in your relationship. You are standing up for yourself and your right to set boundaries in your home. Perhaps your daughter will come to her senses in the future and try to reconcile.
    In the meantime, each day do something very kind for yourself. I think you have a good plan to seek out volunteering. Having enough love to give time and energy to others is an awesome thing.
    Oftentimes, people who give so much love, neglect themselves.
    Make sure that you give to yourself! Self care and self love is not selfish. It helps us be the strongest version of ourselves. That’s important for all of us to understand, to be able to walk in this world and give from an abundance from within.
    You matter, your peace and joy matters.
    These next few days may be difficult as you go through this change in your living arrangements. Take time to regroup and build yourself up.
    I am glad you are standing firm. It is a life lesson for your daughter and her boyfriend. You are liberating them to be responsible for themselves. You are also rightfully saying “Not in my house”.
    Your home should be your sanctuary.
    Many hugs to you.
    Stay strong
    Leafy