I think Tony is trying to drive me crazy...or to make me think I am...seriously.

[DammitJanet]

We start off conversations but they quickly deteriorate into these weird worlds where I am left wondering if we are even in the same room.

Example: Tonight I was watching an episode on HGTV of Love it or List it where this couple had a house renovated and they put in $100K into the reno and their house was originally worth $800K and the people said that now it was worth One Million so the reno had added $200K of value to the home.

Well Tony kept perserverating on that $200K number. He kept saying it had to be valued at $900K because the house was valued at $800K then they added $100k so it would add up to 900. I told him they brought in an appraiser who said the property now appraised at a million so the reno added the extra value.

We went over this for at least 20 minutes with him yelling at me that I was stupid, I didnt understand math, blah blah blah. I kept going back and forth and finally I yelled...how on earth can HE not understand this considering he does construction for a living! I personally think he was trying to confuse me.

Another thing. I bought turkey burgers for dinner. He came home from work and even before he knew what we were having he started telling me how his stomach had been bothering him all day. Then after he ate, he said his stomach was feeling worse. I offered pepto because I had been feeling sick since Saturday. He said No...he thinks it was the turkey burgers because he doesnt like turkey. Now...he thinks the turkey did it and the turkey hadnt been in his stomach 30 minutes!

Then today I went out to the kitchen. Like I said I hadnt felt well most of the weekend. Buck came over on Saturday and Tony made this cabbage and smoked sausage dish and I dont know if something was bad in it or if something else was wrong but almost immediately after eating that meal I got sick. Really sick. I had begged Tony to please help me out this weekend because he had a three day weekend and completely wash all the dishes/pots and pans and make sure all the trash got out. Just make sure I had a clean start to the week for today. He promised me he would. Guess what, he didnt. I went out there today and dishes Buck ate out of were sitting in cold greasy water in the sink. Sigh.

He came home and I just asked him if I hadnt asked him for help. He got all mad and said he had done dishes all weekend. I pulled the dish out that Buck had used and I had just washed and Tony claimed he had already washed it and put it away. I called him a liar. It got nasty. I told him I asked him for help over the weekend and when he promised me something, I expected him to do it, if he didnt want to, say so. Then I really told him what I was mad about...my stool. How he and Buck went to Walmart, came home talking and laughing about how they saw my stool at Walmart but didnt even think to bring it home! How Buck laughed and said that anyone who needed to sit on a stool to cook or wash dishes was just "pure T lazy". And Tony laughed too. I looked at him and asked him why he didnt buy it. Then I just cried. I said you know what it feels like to me? It feels like you expect me to do all this work but you dont want to give me the tools I need. Like you would expect someone who cant hear but expect them to be able to answer a phone.

I asked him why he didnt just get the darned stool? He said he didnt even know. He didnt think about it. Then over time he started turning it around on me making the whole stool thing my fault. See, if he had bought me the stool, I might not have liked it. I told him its a stool. I wanted a stool, any kind of stool. A stool to sit on so I dont have to stand. We looked at them online. Then he started in on how everything he ever gets me I dont like. Really? What have you ever gotten me I havent liked? Actually, how many things have you really bought me that we havent gone together to get? I actually remember two really bad blunders on his part but no more. I gave him the two I knew of and he said no...not those. He said I know one was something I saved up for your birthday or mothers day or something like that and you just said hmmm and tossed it to the side. Really...what was it. He cant remember. I dont think it happened. Trust me, he remembers everything bad I do. But yes, Tony is a horrible gift giver. I have been waiting for a certain ring for almost 8 years now and I know I will never get it because he doesnt believe in rings. I want it so badly. I wanted a mothers ring and he screwed that up so badly I threw it at him and stormed away. That was one of his two blunders.

But yeah...he has completely turned around his not buying the stool when he saw it and that being his fault for not being considerate into my fault for never liking anything he ever does.

 

[Liahona]

I'm sorry you are feeling this way.

Something I've done in the past is to keep a journal. It has helped me to keep my sanity (mostly) threw some hard times. Then you can go back when you are calmer and see if you were making sense or what was going on.

 

[TeDo]

Is Tony by any chance on the spectrum?? He sounds a LOT like my difficult child 1....and I mean a LOT! I'm sorry he's being so inconsiderate. What a jerk. I like Liahona's idea of keeping a journal, of HIS actions and arguments. He might not "remember" but you'll have the proof right there in black & white.....but....then again, difficult child 1 would argue that I just wrote that to make him mad or that I lied or that I just wrote it or or or. Man, you are in a bind there aren't you.

{{{{HUGS}}}}

 

[witzend]

He has got some sort of wild hair going, that's for sure. Is there any way to walk away from him when he gets going?

 

[InsaneCdn]

Janet - I'm hoping it's not Tony in denial... but the twisting things around and the whole blame game... is not that unusual for Alzheimer's cases...

 

[Hound dog]

Well, I dunno what's up with Tony............but it's either Buck up his rear and still causing trouble or there is something not right with Tony in general, and yeah I'm talking in the head. Or perhaps both.

I know I would have major issues dealing with such attitude. But I'd be pushing for a way to get Tony examined thoroughly by a doctor even if I had to drag him to the ER and make up a reason that would scare him enough to cooperate. Once there I'd make certain I pulled the ER doctor aside and informed him that Tony is acting totally out of character and you're deeply concerned. Once he checked out physically, I guarantee you he would not want to be married to me. But given the memory issues, the math deal (because even I followed and you know what math does to me often enough) and other examples you've given I have a strong suspicion Buck may not be the total source of his abrupt change in behavior/personality.

(((hugs)))

 

[DammitJanet]

lisa...thats what got me...lol. You know me and math too! He was starting to make me doubt my own math there.

I have wondered myself if something is going on due to the stroke. He acted somewhat like this right after his stroke but he wont believe us. He swears he acted perfectly fine but all of us know differently. Even his boss knows. Right now I dont have his boss to rely on because he isnt on this job with him and Tony is running this job. They are in two separate locations. If others complain it will be seen as sour grapes. Especially Cory. I really cant get to the others easily behind Tony's back without him finding out. He refuses to go to our ER even for the heel spurs that he has right now. I know he has them because he comes home limping every day and I keep telling him he needs to go to the ER to get them diagnosed every day. Im not sure exactly what they could do but they would do something. Whether he believes it or not, it is a workman's comp issue because it has happened due to being on his feet all day plus driving that stupid van 5 hours a day with his foot in one specific position. He doesnt believe me that it would be workman's comp. I told him to let me deal with the workman's comp. He said sam would never pay it. Again, let me worry about that. I can be a force to be reckoned with. Sam carries workman's comp for a reason. He just doesnt want to pay out for anything.

 

[hearts and roses]

Hugs Janet. I'm sorry you're under such stress. I agree that it sounds like Tony has something else besides Buck going on. And there isn't much you can do if he refuses medical care. So all you can do is care for yourself. Walk away, journal, lock yourself in another room, whatever you need to do in order to cope. Also, you can order from Walmart on line and it's usually free delivery. And usually at a further discounted price! Get the stool for yourself and don't rely on Tony-cut out the middle man. Hugs

 

[Calamity Jane]

Janet,
Can you ask Cory or your other son to pick up a stool for you? Show them on the computer what it looks like, and tell them to please pick it up for you and Tony can reimburse them if he said he would. If they can't, are you able to order stuff online, or are you in too rural an area?
I think Tony's overwhelmed with the job, the drive, and his health issues, and he may or may not have emerging health issues that we're speculating about. We're all getting old, so working in construction is a bear when you're old. If you got your stool, he wouldn't be dealing with the kitchen as much, and that topic wouldn't be the cause of contention for you both.
Even so, he and Buck shouldn't have been so mean spirited in the first place...no excuse for that.

 

[1905]

I think Tony is scared, scared that his body is failing him, he is afraid of the unknown, like how much bs he will have to deal with to see when and if he could get workman's comp. It's stressful for him. I'm sure Buck is constantly putting a bug in his ear about hating the world also. Buck is such a loser, he just has to hate every thing an every one and now he's projecting this attitude to Tony. You're the one Tony takes his anger out on, I know it doesn't make any sense. Tony is making fun of you just by his laughing at that jerk's comments. I'm sorry they are so hurtful. You walk away from them and don't take it. Janet, don't even engage Tony in any type of argument. Just stop talking and go. Forget the back and forth, he doesn't listen.He is enjoying getting a rise out of you- don't let him do it. Do something else to take your mind off what he is saying. He knew you wanted that srool and had fun rubbing in your face that he didn't get it for you-MEAN! YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANYONE ELSE'S WORDS OR ACTIONS. Just your own.

Today, go buy yourself that ring you want. You aren't waiting around for anyone to "send you flowers", you buy your own! And go get yourself that stool you want. Today is the day for this, after all Tony told you all about that stool and I think while you're out you're getting the ring. Remember, do not engage! Even if it hurts, don't let anyone get the better of you. You are strong, brave and beautiful. You are a wonderful mother, grandmother and wife. you have a kind and generous heart. Don't let anyone make you feel less than that.

 

[muttmeister]

And you choose to put up with this, why?

 

[BusynMember]

I echo the others. Get him to a doctor, even if you have to bribe him. My grandfather had a stroke and he was always different after that. He also had memory problems. Maybe there is something they can do for him.

(((Hugs)))! Do get the things you want yourself It feels good to spend money on yourself...hehe.

Too bad you can't find a magic lamp and make one of your wishes the disappearance of Buck!

 

[DammitJanet]

Mutt...I cant go anywhere. I just cant.

Upallnight, I cant get the ring I want, its too expensive. Im always saving for other things...you know...this trip with the family to the water park, then it will be xmas, I need to get my home remodeled, then the couch. My floors need to be done, etc etc. Life gets in the way. The ring I wanted was one of those forever rings. The ones with the three diamonds on the band. A slightly larger one in the middle and then two smaller ones on each side. I didnt want a big one because I dont wear jewelry. I dont have a wedding ring because we arent married but I so wanted this ring. First I wanted it for our 20th anniversary but then I said...okay...our 25th. That gave him 5 years to save up the maybe $700 or so bucks that it might cost. Nope. Day came and went and no ring. Ive told him if I dont get it for our 30th Im selling his guns and buying it. Heck, in all reality, I wouldnt even care if he got one that was off QVC and was one of their Diamonque that look so real.

 

[witzend]

Janet, I had totally forgotten about the stroke! Is it possible that he's had a small stroke? This is so much more likely than he has just had a bizarre change in personality for no particular reason.

Is there anything physical that he is having difficulty with? He must know how serious a stroke can be. If you can get him to notice a slight limp, a droopy eye, a new inability to lift something, you can get him in for an appointment to ensure that he has not had a stroke and if he has, get him some treatment. If he hasn't, it could be something like Alzheimer's, or something else.

Clearly getting him seen by a doctor is key. I hate to even ask this, but is it possible that he is abusing some sort of drug or alcohol? You never know what Buck may have gotten him doing.

 

[DammitJanet]

He is limping badly. He is putting it off on heel spurs and just wearing out though.

 

[donna723]

I really hope you can talk him in to getting it checked out, the sooner the better! Janet, does Tony drink? Of course, NOBODY drinks as much as my ex, but this is exactly the same kind of frustrating, pointless, non-sensical, convoluted argument that he would come up with when he had a snoot full!

 

[Hound dog]

Janet, I'm not trying to scare you here, but.................

I've thought Tony had a stroke back quite a while ago. If it's a TIA......you might not notice any real classical symptoms at all, depending on the length of time the stroke has gone on and the damage done. TIAs usually cause only temporary symptoms, but they can have some lasting effects, such as personality changes. Tony could be having TIAs (mini strokes) in series, which are leading up to the Big major stoke. (which is often the case) That math problem was a red flag in my opinion.........and you and I both know why. Tony is a smart man, that is his field of work, it should've been a no brainer......and yet he had issues and couldn't do the math and make it make sense. been there done that so many times myself. That limping may not have as much to do with bone spurs as he's trying to convince you it does.....which may be why he's fighting going to the doctor.

But it's not the only thing that could be wrong. He could have a brain tumor causing similar symptoms, whether it would be benign or malignant.....because as it grows it puts pressure on the brain and causes damage. A swift diagnosis is critical, benign or not.

Or, given his smoking and wieght, like my husband he could be in congestive heart failure. And trust me, it makes you feel pretty crummy.......and depending on O2 levels on any given day or any given time of the day.......he could display symptoms. He probably has some Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease (COPD) going on which is just complicating it further.

Over the past months I've thought about husband's personality after the heart attack. He was so not himself it was like I'd brought a stranger home with me. I'm serious. Oxygen deprivation can do a number on the brain, lemme tell ya. He was extremely short tempered, when he was grumpy as hades to begin with, and would blow over nothing at all. There were periods when he acted confused......and making a sandwich was nearly too much for him. (I wasn't being mean, it was the only way I could get him out of the chair) Other times he was himself. Then he'd be this frightened little boy. (made sense he was dealing with a very short terminal diagnosis) And we'd cycle through these so fast that I never knew from moment to moment which one I was dealing with. And while part of me feels guilty for not spending every single moment he had left with him.............often I had to leave the room to prevent myself from responding to it because it was so over the top. Heck, I can't tell you how many times I took off for the front porch simply because I knew he wouldn't follow.

And I feel some guilt that I didn't run him back to the ER due to these symptoms. But my brain knows that there really wasn't a darn thing they could've done for him, his heart was just too severely damaged. It would've just drug the whole thing out.

But now......after some research, and some research into the medications they had him on........I think he was having series TIAs in the days before he passed complicated by the damage done by the heart attack. He even became somewhat incontinent the last 2-3 days. One of his medications has a high risk of stroke as the side effect.......but he needed the medication to regulate his heart rhythm, so he'd have died without it anyway.

I don't really think it's drinking or drugs with Tony. You'd notice a change in finances if he were doing them to the point of changing his personality.

Maybe if you sit down and explain your concerns over his health...............and the possibilities.........and the fact that most of these can be treated successfully for a long time if diagnosed early........maybe you can get his stubborn butt to listen. (and yeah, I know how guys can be in this dept.)

(((hugs)))

 

[donna723]

It's totally possible to have a mini-stroke and not even be aware of it. My aunt who is now almost ninety had one ten years ago. She was sitting at her kitchen table writing out checks and paying her bills. She felt perfectly fine, felt nothing unusual at all, but when she looked at what she had written on the check, her handwriting was suddenly just a scribble! She called her daughter in to look at it and the daughter was alarmed enough to rush her off to the ER, in spite of her protests that she was just fine. But had she not been trying to write at the time it came on her and it became apparent, had she been just sitting there watching TV or something when it happened, she may not have even noticed it at all and she wouldn't have received the treatment that she needed.

 

[Star*]

Well you don't have to ask me twice about getting someone to the doctor - Stroke is the silent killer - and it's what killed my son. The clot broke loose - went to his brain and caused and aneuryism.

http://www.strokeassociation.org/ST...icClots/Ischemic-Clots_UCM_310939_Article.jsp Here's some warning signs and information about stroke. TIA, you can't diagnosis a CVA - but there are other kinds of stroke.

I had a mini stroke when Dude went to Juvie, and had it not been for DF thinking I had a heart attack I probably would not have gone to the Er that night. NOTHING to play with or ignore.

Hugs Janet. ENOUGH is enough though.

 

[DammitJanet]

He didnt have a TIA they claimed. They said it was a small stroke. I asked what the difference was and they said TIA's could come back over and over but the small stroke was most likely a one time thing.

Tony does not drink. Well..not very often. He may have a 6 pack of that Samuel Adam's flavored beer a year. They put out a 6 pack in the fall with 3 different flavors that he likes...octorbefest, winter lager, and something else. He has one every Sunday with the football game. I dont call that drinking. He has also never smoked cigarettes though he has been exposed to my second hand smoke for years. He did chew tobacco for years and quit about a year ago.

I have told him I want him to go to the ER to look at his foot this weekend. He has a fishing trip planned the weekend after and I told him that if he wants to go on that fishing trip he has to go to the hospital to humor me.