I Think We Are Getting Better

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by scent of cedar, Jun 14, 2013.

  1. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Sometimes, I post here to keep myself honest. I think this might be one of those times.

    It's so hard to see the real story when it's your own child ~ even if she is almost 40. (Which thought always makes my head spin a little. I know that feeling, now. That is denial. I don't want to look at how old difficult child is. I don't want to see that, because it will change how I feel about what I should or should not be doing, and for whom.)

    We did put $60 (that would be two weeks worth) in difficult child's account. She called Wednesday morning (and left Facebook message) that she was "tired" of the man with whom she is voluntarily homeless. That she needed to get away from him. (For those who don't remember, difficult child has had accident after accident during the course of her involvement with this jobless, homeless, aging, alcoholic male.) So, I think "tired" means "something broken from a beating." Probably her nose, again. Or maybe, one or two of those beautiful, perfect teeth we spent so much money on for braces.

    Here's the thing, though.

    I don't feel the same horror I felt, when all this started happening.

    If we did not respond (meaning, if there was no money), difficult child planned to hitchhike the 120 miles or so back to the city where she has been homeless. And where she has been running with the other homeless people she calls her "family" since she was evicted from her apartment (and evicted and blacklisted from two of the sleaziest rooming/boarding houses you ever saw) last Winter. As it turns out, difficult child paid the man's sister to drive her back with that money we put into her account. I am positive, and even suspected at the time, that difficult child knew she had this ride lined up all along.


    It bothers me so much that difficult child asked, at the same time she wanted that money deposited, whether we wanted to see her this weekend.
    That she made sure we knew she would hitchhike, if there were no other way for her to "escape."

    Plus? It will probably turn out that the man came with her.

    Of course, we said yes we did want to see her this weekend.

    And we have heard nothing, since.

    When she needed money? She found a way to call.

    This is the second or third time something similar has happened.


    And on a brighter note. :O)

    Thanks to the sterling Police Department in the city where difficult child was in the accident, we have found the key to the storage unit!

    I had been making lots of phone calls re: that stupid key, as you all know. On one of them, I learned the name of the towing company. I called them. The man there was adamant that I could not so much as peek into that van without paying him $90 for the towing fee. Okay, so husband and I were trying to think what to do about that. The next day, I received two return calls from the Police Department. I explained that the situation was pretty much resolved, but thanked the policeman for returning my call.

    And do you know what he did?

    He asked whether I would like him to call the towing company! And then? He did just that. In fact, the policeman said that it was the strangest thing, but that the man at the towing company just happened to take a little stroll out to the van while he was on the phone with the police man.

    And the keys to the van, probably with the storage unit key on the same key chain, are in the ignition.

    And now, we get to go get the key.


    I am going to fill in the "Compliment" form for this policeman. I wish I'd kept the names of each of the policemen with whom we have dealt through this whole thing with difficult child.

    We forget how amazing and ethical the rest of the world is, when we are dealing with difficult child-related issues and people.

    So...I registered to volunteer at a hospital near here, yesterday. I think I'm beginning to accept that difficult child is not going to come back, might never be okay, again. I want to change my life, get control of my thoughts and feelings, again.

    Maybe? I will even try to go back to work. I'm 61, so who knows how that will turn out. But the volunteer position will get me going right away.

    I've begun thinking, too, about the futility of everything we have gone through, this winter. All those times we couldn't even think straight.... Those few times when we could stop thinking about what had happened. When I think like that, I realize how dark and heavy this feeling of worry and shock is.

    I can see the set backs, the good things that never happened, the good things that did happen but that we were too horrified about what had happened with difficult child to enjoy.

    When I got home yesterday? husband was totally calm and in a great mood, too. He was happy with himself for the first time since all this started happening.

    Maybe we really are accepting the situation?

  2. Barbara - I am so happy for you and your husband. The second half of your post sounded happy and hopeful. That is such a good thing!

    I'm sorry your difficult child is continuing to make very poor decisions. But they are her decisions and you are starting to see her life for what it is. You can't change her choices. I have found that when I acknowledge that lack of control over difficult child's life that it can be very sad and yet freeing at the same time. It allows me to stop festering over what I can do to change things and realize that the answer is 'nothing' so I may as well go and do something more positive with my time instead of spinning my wheels.

    I hope you and your husband have an enjoyable weekend doing what you love to do.
  3. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Big hugs, Barbara. It's funny, but the ages of my difficult child's is making me feel the same way. Remember when we used to say, "But she's 22 years old! I was a mom and working and taking care of a family when I was 22 years old! What's wrong with her?" The answer is - the same thing that's wrong with her when she's 30 or 40 or 50 and we can't do a thing about it. ;)

    I'm glad you and your husband are finally having some calm days. You deserve it.
  4. Gran2Angels

    Gran2Angels Member

    Scent of Cedar,

    I feel and relate to the sadness in your post. My daughter is 30 and similar situation.

    I truly hope you and your husband are turning a page in your life with hope and joy. I am glad you have him and are not in this alone.

  5. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Barbara, I was so glad to read your post this morning, it made me smile to think of you and your husband "calm and in a good mood." I completely understand your perceptions and feelings, having crawled out of a similar place of fear, dread and denial, facing the truth and accepting what is, although as WTW says is daunting and sad, it is also liberating. We just can't keep trying to control and fix someone who has no intention of being controlled or fixed........... and really getting that deep inside frees us from the throes of that pattern of enabling and suffering. I am relieved that you have slipped into acceptance. I believe detaching is all the work we do to let go and acceptance is what happens once we do.

    As I mentioned, I am on vacation and have noticed that this time, unlike the last time we left town when my difficult child was in her usual state of turmoil and drama, I am not wrapped up in it, it doesn't overtake me and bring me to a painful place. I do think of her, daily, she crosses my mind, I wonder if she is okay, but it is a fleeting feeling, the thought enters my mind, I remember that I can't do a darn thing about anything and I let it go and continue in my own moment. I think that is probably as good as it gets. They are our daughters, we love them............ and we have finally understood............ we are powerless. All we can do is accept that. Or we will suffer the agonies of the ****ed and I am no longer willing to do that.

    I like your idea of volunteering, it is a good thing to be of service and it has a soothing impact since it takes us out of ourselves and connects us with others. You and your husband have been through a war, a battleground which is devastating and depleting, now that there are once again smiles on your faces, go have those Manhattans again, go to dinner and celebrate life, dance, take a weekend jaunt to a favored place...........ENJOY life Barbara, make the most out of each moment.................many hugs coming your way, I am proud of you for walking through this fire and coming out OK.
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    (((hugs))) Barbara

    Acceptance of our difficult children for the people they are after a lifetime of being their warrior parent in a constant battle of sorts to help them be the best person they can possibly be can be one of the hardest lessons a parent has to learn. I don't think it is necessarily that we ever believed they would be "normal", but I think along the years we get so caught up in the process that it is hard to step back and know when to turn it off and just accept them as they are. I think we also, as parents, go through a sort of grieving process at this point for the person we had hoped that perhaps they could become as adults. I don't think we give up hope, I think we tuck it away somewhere like a little room in our hearts, close the door, and move forward in a new role, a new stage in our lives.

  7. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Nicely put Hound dog........
  8. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Nice post.
    Interesting choice of words...you don't feel the same "horror." I understand though.
    Sounds like things are, as you say, getting better!
    And ditto to Hound Dog's post.