I this pales in comparison but I'm so worried about easy child

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by hearts and roses, Mar 3, 2008.

  1. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I know that this pales in comparison to what so many of you are going through right now with your kiddos and families (JJJ, you're in my thoughts so much today - my heart breaks for you). I am just so worried about easy child.

    I spoke with her this afternoon and my heart is just breaking over how despondent she sounds. Her voice is flat and if I inquire about how she's doing, she's on edge so I try to keep things neutral.

    I don't know what to say or what not to say. I am at such a loss. With difficult child I learned how to communicate with her when she was at her worst...this is new territory and they are so very different.

    I don't want to make things worse for her by letting her know how worried I am about her. I want to talk with her boyfriend and make it clear to him what's going on so he can not stress her out anymore by asking her constantly "What's wrong?", Know what I mean??

    I'm on the verge of tears and wringing my hands...at such a loss. easy child has always been so strong and sure, reliable, and we always knew what to expect. I've never heard her like this. Even when difficult child was at her worst I managed to find a way to talk with her - but with easy child I can't seem to find words and because she's not here, I can't rely on deeds or body language. I want to tell her to come home for a few days until the medications kick in. I want to tell her to tell work she's not available for the next week until the medications kick in. I see that here and her area are due for some real gray weather the next few days! WTH?

    Oh, what to do?
  2. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member


    Do you think her boyfriend would support her coming home for a week? Would he drive her to you? Would her doctor write a note stating she may not work until next week?

    I'm so sorry she's suffering.
  3. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Jo, I think it's fruitless to compare one family's struggles with another's. All of us on this board have challenges, and we're here to support each another through the good and the bad times. In your shoes, I would be very worried if my daughter sounded the way yours does to you.

    Did all of this start when she moved in with boyfriend? Or was something building prior to the move? Does it help her to work or does it make it worse? Do you think it would help her to be at home with you? Sorry for all the questions, but I'm just trying to get a handle on what's going on.

    I'm sorry this is going on. Hugs to you.
  4. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry easy child is struggling so right now. I think it would be good if she would come home for a few days until the medications kick in. I will say a prayer for your easy child. Gentle hugs to you.
  5. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Jo -

    It's so hard to know what to do. I don't know that there is a right answer. As a person who's dealt with depression, I don't think I can give you any really solid advice on how to handle this. I know when I was in that state, there was nothing that could be said or done by anyone and sometimes the smallest things would set me off.

    I think the best thing you can do is what you're doing. Let her know you are there for her, but don't smother, but do keep a close eye on things. It's a fine line, I know.

    I wonder now, though, if this played a part in her being in such a hurry to move in with boyfriend. Depression like that makes one feel like s/he is living in survival mode...struggling to keep one's head above water. The decisions one makes during that time are pretty indicative of that...searching desperately for that one thing to cling to that is going to 'make everything ok'.

    Just a thought.
  6. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Thanks JJJ & SW,

    The depression came on gradually the past few weeks. I *think* it came to a head as she and the boyfriend made a decision on this apt and signed the lease, however, she says it's not related. She takes on a lot on her own and then often feels overwhelmed, then anxious and then maybe a little down. But then she usually bounces back. With the weather the way it's been, I think that's been a drag on her. Plus, she's working this year and didn't last year, so that's a drain as well.

    SW, I think it would help me feel better to have her home - just so I could see her everyday and look for signs of improvement. I can't say what she would want for sure. Sometimes when she comes home for the weekend all she does is sleep and sleep and sleep.

    easy child's boyfriend just IM'ed me and we talked a little about it. You know, he's 21 and not very experienced. I asked how easy child was and he said, "she's happy, we just ate tacos" hahaha - I was able to make a few suggestions. And he said he would ask her if she'd rather come home alone this coming weekend. I thought that was sensitive of him.

    Thanks so much. My daughter is doing so much right now and she isn't slowing down. She just emailed me to scan and email to her copies of some bills so she could sign up for cable tomorrow. I'm thinking, "GO TO SLEEP!" but I sent her the stuff. It's like someone has to flip the switch off for her or she will just keep going.
  7. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Thank you Sharon. I will talk with her tomorrow and get an idea of how she's doing and offer her that option. Her classes are such that she will refuse to miss one, so I doubt that she will do it. But I will ask.

    MB, thank you for your thoughts. I think you're right about there not doing much more than what I am doing now. I will just make sure we keep the lines open so she can reach out if she wants to or needs to.
  8. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Jo, your ache and worry for your daughter are very great in your life, that makes them important. And just because it worries/scares you, it worries us. Cause we are family here!!

    Sending hugs and my hopes and prayers that she will find help to cope with this in the very near future.

  9. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    HI! I remember going through the same sort of thing in school. You're overwhelmed and underwhelmed at the same time.

    One thing that will DEFINATELY help her would be a "care package" from home.

    Stupid stuff: the dumber but more personal the better. If she's as down as you've described: find a favorite stuffed toy from when she was really little. Put in her favorite cookies (who cares if she's in culinary school - familiarity will make the point), favorite shampoo, dish towels for the kitchen, a goofy bathroom set (like spongebob or fish), springtime looking bathtowels, a favorite video (or a really stupid dvd like "Shawn of the Dead" or "Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle"), flowers (like a spring silk/plastic arrangement), crayons and a coloring book, a paint by numbers kit, crafty junk (bbk's mom gives a lot of those out - lol) happy, joyful "better days are coming" things.

    Make her feel like if we can't be with you at least you can think of us the way we think of you. Sometimes even the silliest reminders of home can lift that gloom. She may be dealing with seasonal issues that in the past she's never really been aware of.

    If she won't come to you, maybe you guys can pre-plan with boyfriend to "show up" and take her out to dinner OR get a gift card to a local restaurant for boyfriend to take her out for a romantic dinner.

    Let her know she's special. Don't focus too much on the depression (but leave her room to talk about it).

    Basically a good "Mother-Smother of Love" might give her a light to focus on!

    Keep us up to date!

  10. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Thanks Beth, those are good ideas. When I was packing the last little things from her room, I included her colored glitter glues and finger paints and her stuffed elephant among other things.

    I think you're right. I will send her a Spring-themed package! Hopefully, I can get it out today so she gets it before we see her on Saturday. She does need some kitchen oven mitts and cute little magnets for the fridge.

    Her day is full today. She's in school from 7AM till 1:30 and then work from 3PM to 9Pm. Maybe I can squeeze a call into her boyfriend later today too.

    Thanks everyone - ♥
  11. dcwsaranac

    dcwsaranac I hear music...

    A care package - what a great idea. A non-confrontational expression of love and support that allows her to continue her classes. Awesome.

    I humbly bow to you.
  12. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Hee-hee! No need to bow...I'm in a permanent state of regression lately and looking at my "old college days" kind of lets me remain in that state!


    Care packages (especially out of left field) always make you feel that someone cared!

  13. GinAndTonic

    GinAndTonic New Member

    What a great package! If it's stress and change that's bringing on the depression, a surprise package from mom will be wonderful.
  14. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Surprise packages from Mom are the BEST! I went away to college very young. By the 2nd month in the dorm the mail room people knew me - I had a package every week or so from mom (and for the year she did this - her thing when she missed me was to mail a package) with cookies, books, clothes, just whatever she thought of.

    Dad would send me letters (he called it brown mail) with a postit note and a hershey bar in a regular envelope.

    It really made a tough year a bit easier to handle. Maybe a small item every once in a while?

    After we moved wehn difficult child was 3, my mom mailed things to all of us. He used to love to get clothes from her. We told them that every time he wore them it was a "hug from Grandma". Maybe a soft shirt or nightie from you with a note that it is a special hug from you?


  15. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    WHat if ====you met her somewhere and paid for a hotel for just the two of you to have a 'girl' day and night?

    I LOVE the care package idea....

    Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you -
  16. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Okay, so I sent her a "Spring & Easter" package. I put in some Peeps, some Lindt chocolate bunnies (her nickname is Bunny), a plastic hen toy that lays [easter] eggs as it walks, a toss it game with two plastic handles and she and boyfriend can toss the plastic eggs to one another, a loose bag of reese's peanut butter cups wrapped in easter colors, a bunny piggy bank that says, "Bunny Money" on it's belly, an Easter card, a Housewarming card addressed to both of them, and a Spongebob Squarepants eastery looking thing. I think it will cheer her a bit.

    Since she went away to college in Oct '06 I usually send her a package once a month (more frequently during those earlier months) and while she was in VA for 5 months I sent her a card or package every other week as well.

    You're right, a package is just the thing. Thank you for all the suggestions and thoughts. I didn't speak with her yesterday, but hopefully she will be on line later and we can say hello. I would like to see how she's doing today. She's been taking the medications for only 4 days.
  17. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Sounds great! Now MY address is....

    just kidding, I'm so glad that you came up with such great things to send...she'll be thrilled. I'll bet the housewarming card will mean a lot. Most parents get "icky" about "living together" and this will probably give her peace of mind on at least one thing crowding the ol' "frontal lobe".

  18. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    SPONGE BOB THINGY!!!!!?????
    MY address is.......
  19. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    HEY, I want a SPONGEBOB THINGY TOO!!!!!!! Star can't have them ALL!!!!!!

    You are a good mom.


  20. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Jo -

    You are such a good mom.