I threw him out.

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by sadandfrustrated, Oct 28, 2015.

  1. It didn't exactly happen the way I planned it. After a tear filled discussion on how he's a thief and he has to leave, and him tearfully admitting that he's a screw up and at 28 he realizes he's not a kid anymore and wants to turn his life around.. etc, etc, So we gave him a couple of days to find a job and a place to stay. He was actually very helpful around the house and constantly thanked us for giving him the opportunity to get his act together first. For the first time in his life, he acted like an adult. As a matter of fact I was about to post here that things were going very well and was secretly thinking that maybe my son was different and that maybe this wake up call really did make a difference.

    But no. We found out he a made a deal with a customer. He gave her some sob story, charged her less but told us that the customer changed her mind and didn't need our service so she didn't pay him. But I called her right after he told me that and she said he did the job and she paid him in cash. So, he stole from us again.

    But that wasn't even the catalyst. A few years ago when money and things started mysteriously disappearing I bought a safe with a code and put it in our bedroom closet. It also had a hidden keyhole access feature in case we forgot the code or the batteries died. I hid the keys behind my dresser drawer for safe keeping and we used the code feature to hide our valuables. In it I put my grandmothers diamond wedding ring that had been handed down to my mom and then to me after my mom's death. That ring was almost 100 years old and meant the world to me. It had a diamond in the center and filigree on the sides holding smaller diamonds. It was petite beautiful and held so many fond memories but the ring part was so thin from years of being worn that I was afraid to wear it. It wasn't worth that much money, but it was irreplaceable. I was telling my grandson about it and he wanted to see it so I took out the ring box to show him, and the ring wasn't there. I checked for the keys, and they were missing too. I don't know when the ring went missing and I don't even have a photo of it to report it stolen. I'm heartbroken over losing that ring, and that's when I just flipped. I screamed at my son asking where my mothers ring was but he swears he didn't take it of course. I threw his clothes out the door, told him to get the eff out of the house, screamed at him that I wanted that ring back. I'm sure my neighbors heard me screaming. I'm so done with him. He's not my son. I don't know what creature is living inside his body but it's not the son I raised. He kept wanting to hug me and kept telling me loved me and I was just screaming that I didn't believe him and that he's not capable of loving anyone and to just get out. I know this whole 'I love you mom is just another form of manipulation and for a while I fell for it. I was still so angry but I did manage to tell him I'd leave his phone on and if he wants rehab I'll help him. He finally left and we stayed up til 2 am changing all the locks at my insistence.

    My husband said maybe losing the ring will bring my son back, our real son, not this thing that looks like him. And that kind of struck a chord in me and gave me hope because the night before as I watched my son standing in front of the house and wondering why he was out there and if he was waiting for his drug dealer, I started praying and I asked my mom to help me get my son back again. I'm holding on to that thought for dear life, and it's the only thing that's getting me through this. I can't do this anymore and I can't stop crying.
  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I think you have done the only thing that you could do. It is time to detach your need to protect, and nurture, and to step back and allow him to become a grownup. Most people do not become "adults" while still living at home.
  3. Toughlovemom

    Toughlovemom New Member

    This morning I prayed for help because I too have dealt with this for years. I had to send her and a child out the door. I feel horrible, and she knows this. I wish so bad this was a dream, but it is not. I found this site and have been on here looking at all the nightmares. It gives me validation. I hope you can get that here as well.
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  4. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am so very sorry. What you did was so difficult but had to be done. I hope he looks at himself and decides to get help.
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  5. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Sad and frustrated, I am so sorry. You did the right thing and the only thing you could do. Your son will change when and If he decides to change and the sooner you can get out of his way and let him face himself and his own life and choices, the sooner that day has a chance to come.

    We have to get sick and tired, completely sick and tired like you are right now before we can stand to do the hard things like we have done...saying 100 percent no more and sticking to it.

    Your son has many choices now and he will have to make them.

    Expect to be on a roller coaster of emotions over the next weeks and learn how to feel your feelings but not act on them. It takes work and it is hard.

    We are here for you and we care. You have taken a very important step. Hang in there in the days ahead.
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  6. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry. I lost many things before my son was put out, including my mother's wedding ring. It was in my jewelry box. I didn't know it was missing until he was gone and I asked him about it, but he denied taking it. Maybe he did and maybe he didn't. But if it wasn't him it was one of his friends. It hurts so much to have your son steal from you. More than they'll ever know. I hope your son sees the light. I hope both of ours do.
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  7. Nancy, I know you're dealing with your own grief at this time. I appreciate you taking the time to support me through this. How are you holding up?

    Difficult Son, or as I prefer to call him at the moment.. Despicable Son called me yesterday wanting to know if any jobs were in. I just told him straight out, you no longer work here, and hung up the phone. I just can't speak to him at this time. I'm way too angry and hurt.

    What is difficult and unimaginable for me to wrap my mind around is that in order to find the keys to the safe, he had to have thoroughly gone through every one of my belongings in every nook and cranny in every room in this house while I was out. I should have realized that he was capable of this because last week I bought myself new socks, and since socks seemed to disappear and never returned while DS was home, I hid the new socks underneath my bras. Before I threw him out, I saw DS go in my room, go right to my bra drawer, dig under the stack of bra's, find the sock package and help himself to a new pair of socks. I remember being shocked that he knew they were there because he didn't even know I bought them. Going through my belongings must have been how he and probably his friends spent their time when I wasn't home. I just feel so skeeved knowing this. I'm tempted to wash everything I own for some reason.


    Yes, I do hope our son's see the light, but with their denial so strong, do they even know the light exists or that they even need to find it? I know my DS sounds so believable even when he lies straight to my face that hubby and I second guess ourselves half the time. Do they even believe they have, and are the problem?

    I have to wonder if he believes his own lies or is he's just so good at it. Either way, it's a scary thought. My husband asked me how i felt today since my son's been gone and I struggled to find the right word to describe my feelings, and then it dawned on me that what I was feeling was grief. I'm grieving over the loss of my son. Not the thing that looks like him, but my real son. I've finally realized that my son is gone and in his place is something that looks like him, is savvy enough to say the right things when necessary, but is devoid of empathy and all those traits that make us human. He cares only for himself.
  8. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    The real son might still be in there - down deep somewhere. But when addiction takes over, it's the addict you see and deal with, not the real person - and the addict is capable of far more than any of us want to believe.

    If the day comes that he deals with the addiction because he doesn't want to live that life any more, the real person may come back.
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  9. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member


    I am so sorry.

    You know, all drug addicts live a life of lies, deception, and deceit.

    It can't be any other way.

    All they really care about is their next high. And they will do anything to get it.

    I don't think I have ever heard of a difficult drug-addicted adult who turned their lives around while living in the comfort of their parent's home. They usually changed only after their chosen lifestyle becomes too difficult and causes them to loose everything. That can't happen while they are having their needs met by their parents, and a ready source of illicit income by stealing from their host.

    You know something is wrong when you have to buy a safe to keep things away from someone who lives in your house.

    I hope the so-called 'friend' is gone, too.
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  10. yeah, son's friend helped carry out their stuff and then slithered out the door right behind my son. I'm assuming they went back to his parents house because they took everything, blankets, sheets and pillows too, and the friends mom picked them up. I sound like I'm talking about teenagers. I'm talking about men almost 30 years old.

    Seriously, the atmosphere in my house feels so much lighter. It's like a pall has been lifted off the house.

    I think some of that stuff they took might have been mine, but it's a small price to pay for peace and tranquility. I'm positive my new socks are now over there, but I don't even care.
    He's already taken anything of real value. My husband has/had given me a lot of expensive jewelry over the years which I rarely wore anymore , opal diamond rings, earrings and necklaces. My husband gave me a little heart ring that he hid inside a jewelry box that I wanted for Christmas one year. That was such a sweet surprise and it made me cry at that moment. Now all I have is the memory of that Christmas morning, I discovered all my jewelry is gone including the heart ring. oh well. what's done is done.

    I don't know how long he'll last at the friends mom's house. He has no income and has no car anymore so he has nothing to offer them. Maybe that mom will force him to get off his arse and get his act together. Maybe not. But I doubt they'll let him stay there free of charge. Maybe he'll steal from them too.
    The really sad part is.. I don't even care anymore. I'm so done. Whatever choices he makes from here on in, are his to make. I will not try to save him from himself any longer.
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  11. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    There's nothing like knowing someone has gone through your private things to make you feel so ... violated. That's how I felt. I would have felt the same if some dirty stranger off the street did it. I suppose, in a way, a stranger did - because the son I knew and raised and loved, would not have done this to me.

    He also went through things. Some stuff that went missing was in plain sight. Some were not. One thing that went missing was a 6 CD changer still in a box that a friend had given us. We'd never used it and it was in my sewing room. Well, the box was all that was there after we kicked him out. CD's and DVD's were gone through. The jewelry was in my jewelry box, in the bottom where you'd have to pull out the tray to find it. There was also some scrap gold - bracelets and such I'd bought back in the 80's. But that ring. :( The last straw was the cash. It was in a jug in the very back of our closet behind my husband's shirts. He had to go in and actually move the clothing to find it. He could not have just happened upon it unless he was looking for something to steal. That has always been the hardest thing. Knowing he looked...and looked hard...for something to take from us. He left just enough cash in the jug (some dollar bills and pennies) that it was impossible to tell at a glance that it was empty...but nearly $700 was gone. After he left we checked my husband's guns to make sure they were still there. If they had been gone, my son would have gone to jail.
  12. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    You know what Jesse James was reported to have said when someone asked him why he robbed banks?

    "That's where they keep the money."

    For our DCs, it's really no more complicated than that.
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  13. Toughlovemom

    Toughlovemom New Member

    I truly understand where you are mentally with what you have been through. I feel like we don't feel as bad about our decision
    Today I asked myself the Same question.... do they believe what they are saying. Wow this is what I am looking for. Validation. We are the victim in all this. Not them.
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  14. SeaGenieTx

    SeaGenieTx Active Member

    I learned you simply cannot trust a drug addict. They lie about everything. I kicked my 23 year old son out and its been pure hell. I just do not understand his behavior other than the devil has taken over and nothing I say or do matters. They have to fight their demons. Its the most agonizing journey and I have to take it day by day and really focus on taking care of myself or I will end up a basket case.
  15. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    How are you doing today, S&F?
  16. SeaGenieTx

    SeaGenieTx Active Member

    I'm having a bad day... I saw a photo of my son on Facebook taken a couple of days ago. Its a picture of his friend in the passenger seat of my sons car taking a selfie of himself - and my son is behind the wheel with a whipits can in his lap. I'm basically devistated. This means they are huffing whipped cream canisters while driving a car. I texted him saying he obviously had two goals - jail or death and he texted me back calling my horrible names and to stop stalking him. I called him a substance abuser with a serious problem and if he ever decided to get sober and enter rehab, I would support him - otherwise since he refuses to communicate with me I would be checking the jails and morgue from time to time cause that is where he is headed. he spewed profanities and I just left it at that. Hard to be happy when my only child seems to have a death wish.
  17. How do I feel? hmm. That's a tricky question. My heart aches from missing my son and I want him back but it's not at the forefront of my mind anymore. My son's been gone a long time.... long before I threw him out the door and I think that realization has left me with a certain acceptance and resignation. Oddly enough, there's an element of peace that comes with letting him go.
    I do not miss the unfeeling carcass of my son that lived here. The energy in the house is much calmer. I'm calmer. My 12 yr. old incredibly intuitive grandson asked me why I was in such a good mood lately. I didn't realize I was. I think he senses the lightness in me. I'm doing ok.
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    Last edited: Oct 30, 2015
  18. SeaGenieTx

    SeaGenieTx Active Member

    Its so hard S&F I miss my son but he has only been gone a short while. Its agonizing.
  19. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    1. Missing Jewelry, mine and heirloom
    2. Missing Money
    3. Missing Clothes
    4. Missing Food
    5. Missing Tools
    6. Missing Gas
    It started out slow, you know, you start to think, "Maybe I'm misplacing things."
    The excuses are so good at first, both ours and theirs.
    We wouldn't imagine in our wildest minds, ever doing such a thing to our own parents, family.

    Then we started to realize, it's just not fitting, all of this missing stuff.
    Oh, it's never them.

    I think back now that our D c's become like those salesmen who will sell you anything, even if you don't need it, then reason with themselves,
    "If they are stupid enough to fall for it, they deserve to be hoodwinked."
    I think our D c's start to see us that way. Then the drugs take over and there is no Jiminy Cricket on their shoulders, no conscience.

    We are not even people to them anymore, much less family. Their drug friends became their family and we became the idiots trying to live normal, sane lives.
    With them at home we were
    1. Missing peace
    2. Missing security
    3. Missing safety
    4. Missing time
    5. Missing respect
    With them gone we were missing them.

    But as they came back and forth, back and forth, we were missing more things and most importantly, missing our sanity.

    In the long run, we finally realized addiction was first and foremost, there was nothing we could do for anyone who does not want to help themselves.

    Well, they did help themselves in a way. They helped themselves to our stuff, our money, our time.

    I encourage anyone going through this to really examine the behavior of their D c's and set boundaries from the get go. Boundaries for D c's and for yourselves. When your smack dab in the middle of it all caught up with the drama it is easy to drown in it.

    For now, I know the lightness you are talking about S&F, Sea, I hope you get there soon.
    It's hard, agonizing over our D c's.
    Try each day to do something nice for yourselves!
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  20. SeaGenieTx

    SeaGenieTx Active Member

    Before I kicked my son out I took valuables ( I don't have a whole lot) and hid them. I don't think he stole from me but what was odd was I found someone's wallet in his room with a bunch of credit cards in it. I took it and just threw it away so he could not use their cards. Not sure if it was just someone's wallet he found or stole but I got it out of my house. I will be going thru his room and boxing up things this weekend. He will never live with me again so its attachments time to pack up his crap and turn his room into a room I can use. Its sickening kids lie and steal. I never did things that bad, I was too scared of getting caught.