I threw my son out of the house today, and i feel like the worst mother.

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Havehadenough70, Jun 28, 2011.

  1. I stumbled on this forum while searching for information on troubled teens and have found a lot of helpful advice.

    I am a mother of a 19 year old son who is lost and i don't know how to help him. My son was a mature, respectful, resposinsible child until he was introduced to marijuana about two years ago when he was a junior in high school. He managed to graduate high school with good grades and was accepted to a good state college in our area. Two months after joining college, he started hanging out with a group of kids who are into no good, kids who were not going to school and some who sold drugs. One day in 0ctomber las last year, he was driving 5 of those kids around in a car i had let him use when they were stopped by the cops. One kid had a gun and after they were taken to the station, they convinced my son to take responsibility for the gun since he was the only one without a police record and without thinking he did - imagine that? Anyway, he was charged with three gun charges which are still pending today, and the trial is for september. Anyway, after this happened i thought something would click and he would straighten up his behaviour and stop smoking pot. I was wrong. For two months he was doing so well emotionally and academically but as they say good things don't last. His smoking habits increased, he started breaking all the house rules, while i continued giving him chance after chance even after he would smoke in my vehicle and my house. When schools closed this summer he had failed all his exams and lost his college scholarship - did i mention three of his best friends dropped out of college in the middle of the year? I continued pushing and a month ago helped him get accepted into an internship at the church where we worship which will pay 5000 dollars for college once he completes it. About two weeks ago he went to a local bank where he had an account and deposited fake cheques and withdrew 500 dollars, and when the bank called to investigate, he accepted responsibility and was told to pay or he would be reported to the police for larceny. So what did i do? pay if for him because he didn't have a cent.

    Last night i went to work a night shift - i am a nurse, and when i came home around noon, i found beer bottles in the living room, trash can full of marijuana remnants, and he didn't even show up for the internship. So i snapped and threw him out of the house. I know i have not helped him much since i have been bailing him out often but i feel like this is it, i can't take it anymore. I am afraid for him because he is impulsive and could do anything at this time, what do i do? I am planning on letting him stay out of the house for a week and then i am thinking of sending him out to an outward bound program for at risk youth in august, is there anyone who had experience with outward bound here?
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there.

    I wanted to welcome you; am not sure I can be of much help except to say that my daughter did drugs and your son is probably only admitting to pot...there is likely much more than that going on. Also, you already figured out that bailing hm out of trouble isn't helping him learn.

    What country do you live in? In the US, one can't force a 19 year old to go to any program, let alone an Outward Bound. Here, if the adult doesn't want to go, he can't be forced. As for whether it helps long term, I don't know. I'm personally not a big believer that a month away at a program like that will cure one for life. Drugs is a hard problem to kick. If he goes right back to his "friends" again, he will probably keep doing the same thing.

    If it were me, I would not pay for college at all anymore or let him live at home. The best thing I did for my daughter was to send her away. She straightened out after that, but we were able to send her far away and she could get away from her (ahem, cough) friends. She is still straight almost eight years later and is graduating college in December.
  3. mazdamama

    mazdamama New Member

    I don't have a clue about outward bound but know you did the right thing in throwing him out. You already know that you are not helping him by bailing him out and you aren't...you are enabling. Sometimes they have to hit bottom in order to see what they have done.
  4. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    I have to run at the moment but i hope you look at the Parent Emeritus forum, there are a lot of us there in similar situations... both the drugs and the now adult child. Check that out and I will write more later.. I am off to an alanon meeting which I highly recommend!!
  5. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Just adding in my welcome. So sorry your son is struggling so much. It sounds like a difficult but good decision you made to have him leave. I wish I had more advice but I'm sure others will be along who have more experience with what you are dealing with.
  6. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Welcome, Havehadenough70.
    You did the right thing.
    And I agree with-others who have suggested that it's not just pot. From what you've written, it seems like a whole lot more.
    I am thinking that there is hope, because he admits to things. But it's going to be a long time b4 he realizes that he cannot take the brunt of other kids' manipulating him forever. And that HE has his own life.
    Finger crossed.
  7. judi

    judi Active Member

    Hi and welcome. I've so been there done that as you are doing now. I know the heartache of these decisions. I agree that at 19 there is little to nothing you can "force" on them. I'm an APN myself so I'm all about "fixing" things - lol.

    My story is very long and not pretty. I've been a member here for over 10 years - my son is 26 now. Pot was his drug of choice too. Some suggestions:

    1. Stick to your guns about your house rules: believe me these kids sense weakness and will hone in on that and take advantage again and again. And....as a nurse, you can face disciplinary action from the BON if its found that you have drugs in your house.

    2. Al-Anon or AA are great resources.

    3. Families Anonymous if available in your area can be helpful. I have to say that the first meeting that my husband and I went to in 2002 made us both cry: our son was then only 17 and these people had kids in their 20's, 30's and 40's. We were devastated that we couldn't "fix" our son.

    4. Don't feel that you are alone. My husband and I are a professional couple too and we have never, ever discussed this with our peers, co-workers. We still don't. It has brought us closer as a couple though - we've been married over 31 years now.

    Please take care.
  8. ready2run

    ready2run New Member

    treatment programs teach tools and give coping mechanisms that are healthier than drug use. they teach people how to deal with their problems before they get to the point of using over them. they do work, but only if the person is willing to put in the effort and keep working everyday until it becomes second nature to just do the necessary steps. i know, i have been there done that. it doesn't work for people who don't want it to. you can't force someone to do it or make them put the work in. what you can do, is what you have done. stop enabling. let him get hit with the consequences of his actions. this will be the first step towards him realising he has a problem. i also strongly suggest al-anon. it seems odd when you first join, they have alot of saying and words that you don't hear in day to day life but it all makes sense if you stick around long enough to get a good understanding. you will also find alot of moral support there from other parents in the same position. i know my relationship with my parents improved alot after i sent my mom into al-anon. i am clean now for 5 years, almost six so we can turn things around and likely your son will when he is ready. it will take him some time, maybe alot of time, to learn his lesson. make sure he knows you are there for him if he needs to talk or needs help figuring things out but don't bail him out when he causes problems for himself, don't give him $$ or pay for everything for him and don't protect him from the consequences of his actions. (easier said than done)
  9. Thank you so much mothers for your kind and honest words. I know kicking him out is probably the only way he will grow up and get a grip on his life but i am conflicted and very sad because he is in a unique position. You see, both he and i are permanent residents in America, which means if he is out there and commits a felony he will stay in jail with no bail because of the pending gun charges and if he is found guilty on the gun charges he will be deported. I have tried over and over to emphasize this but it falls on deaf years which makes me think that whatever he is using has messed up his mind. I got him a lawyer that cost me a fortune to try and have the charges dismissed based on the fact that he is a good kid who has never been in trouble before hoping he would keep his nose clean but now i don't know.

    How reliable are drug test kits? i asked him to take a drug test of marijuana and crystal meth and it came back positive for pot. The reason i did this was because i found small pieces of what looked like broken glass in a bag in his room, didn't think much about it, then started wondering whether it could be meth. When i asked him he said it was pieces of glass but i don't know.... other drugs might be involved too.

    Being a single mother and dealing with this has been very hard since there is no one to share all this with and i don't feel comfortable confiding in friends. @ judi i will look for aa in our area and join.

    This evening i called a friend of his and asked him to reach out and find out where he is staying. He said he would pick him up and bring him to his house which he shares with a girlfriend, so iam relieved that i know where he is. The irony of this is two years ago this friend was kicked out of his home too and i took him in for a few months until he resolved issues with his parents', now he seems to be doing okay so that gives me hope. Thanks for listening moms.
  10. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    The broken glass in a baggie definitely sounds like crystal meth. That was/is my daughter's drug of choice. We have been through hades for....well, ever since she was a toddler. But we have been dealing with the drug issue for a couple of years now at least. Unfortunately, my hands are tied. Court won't mandate rehab because that means they have to pay for it. Rehab won't take her without consent because she is past the age for medical consent and she refuses to go. At 17, she is considered a legal adult (of which the police reminded me again the other day) so there is nothing I can do. She has not lived with us fully for almost a year now. She came back into the home right before Christmas for about a month and within a week we were back to her disappearing for days on end only coming home to do laundry, get something to eat and crash for a day or two before she would be right back out again. Anyway, in the beginning of February, I found a glass pipe in her room with a bunch of white powder inside - I knew exactly what it was. I called her and told her that I found it and told her she HAD to go to rehab in order to live in our home. She refused and has been gone ever since. I still beg and plead with her to do the right thing. She still hasn't.

    I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. You have defintiely come to the right place. A LOT of us have been in your position. (((HUGS)))
  11. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Hi... I just wanted to tell you... You are NOT the worst mother!

    He's an adult, and he needs to learn to stand on his own feet - not yours.

    I don't understand the permanent resident reference... I'm kinda sheltered that way. But... The fact is, his record shows he hasn't been in trouble before, but the kid doing drugs? Is not the son he used to be. In fact, I have a really sweet, smart, great stepdaughter. I haven't seen her in a while, because right now, the girl that says she is Onyxx? Is a drug user, an abuser (of people too), and willing to try and play a game to get whatever she wants. I don't know this girl, and she's not my kid. The shell is - but whatever is driving her behavior is alien.

    You're doing the right thing. Don't let him guilt you into caving in - it is false guilt...
  12. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Ohhh, great idea to locate the old friend who had been through the same thing. Fingers crossed again!
  13. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I know this may sound harsh, but if he gets deported, it is a very effective way to split him off from the 'friends' who are definitely the wrong crowd.

    Also, the gun charges - how do you know he has only pleaded guilty to protect his friends? It is also a strong possibility he just told you that in order to keep your support. His 'friends' may have made sure he was the one with the gun, in order to make sure he was fully committed to the drug lifestyle and therefore not likely to dob them in to the cops. Or he may have chosen to carry the gun, because it made him feel powerful. Or who knows? My point is, once they start using drugs, you have to accept that they also lie about it. Constantly.

  14. Ritsy

    Ritsy New Member

    Hi you are not a bad Mother but understand the feeling yesterday i threw my 18 year old out Marajuhana smoking which caused a stroke because he was doing so much of it, he took my car with out permission did a bunch of burn outs in it and was seen so had various visits from the police. he's bone idle has no job gets out of bed at 1 everyday i guess some people reading this are going to judge what sort of parenting he's been given well i guess you would have to know us personally to do that we've been kind, loving disciplined parents to no avail i always believed (nievely now it would seem) that what we put in as parents we would be rewarded for later down the track all we want is for him to have self respect which i feel gives him respect for others he has certainly had enough good examples shown to him by us and his older brother and sister.

    I hope that he has and will learn some lessons from my decision that we will not be taken for granted bad mouthed and disrespected especially when as parents have loved, nurtured, encouraged, advised and praised him.
  15. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Sending gentle and supportive hugs to you. It is tough to be a parent of a drug using habitual liar involved with illegal activity.

    You made him leave as a means of protection for YOU, which is of the utmost importance at this point - remember that. His behavior could very likely put YOU at risk for trouble with the law and/or deportation. You need to protect yourself against those things from happening by not allowing him to live at home.

    At 19 y/o he KNOWS the difference between right and wrong, and even if the drug use is warping his logical mind, you cannot possibly be the person to make him see things straight. He needs to save himself before he accepts help from you or anyone else. I hope he figures this out, but in the meantime...

    Continue to protect yourself - I urge you along with the others who have mentioned it, to seek out an al anon meeting. It's a start, for YOU, to learn how to treat your adult son.
  16. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Ritsy...I would love for you to come out and introduce yourself on a new post...this is an older thread. We would love to get to know you by yourself!