I told husband he had a "get out of jail free" card...

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Shari, Feb 6, 2010.

  1. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    husband and I have had a slightly better than status quo couple of days.

    Til tonight.

    Wee and easy child built a fort in the living room. They used all the pillows in the house. We watched Tempil Grandin, then husband was ready to go to bed. He asked Wee to get his pillows and Wee ignored him. I told Wee to answer daddy and Wee told husband he was tired.

    husband yelled that he's tired of Wee not listening to him and he's sick of Wee's ****. He grabbed Wee by the upper arm and lifted him out of the chair onto the floor and started to drag him to the fort.

    I got in the middle and stopped him. He put Wee back in the chair by the arm. Wee curled up in a ball and started to cry.

    Then husband grabbed one of the kitchen chairs being used in the "fort" and dumped it over. He tossed a tool box being used for weight onto the couch, and threw the top of the "fort" off to get to his pillows. He got his pillows and went to the bedroom.

    I followed and I lost it. He said he was sick of Wee's not listening and Wee's **** (by the way I do have to tell Wee to do something more than once most times, but he rarely outright won't do what he's asked).

    I pointed out to him that he is a **** poor behavior model and I was sick of dealing with both of them. We are trying to teach Wee not to man-handle at school, yet its just fine for husband to do at home??? Then I pointed out an incident earlier in the evening...Wee was watching tv and husband was swinging a towel into his line of sight...WEe asked husband to stop and husband didn't. Yet if it had been Wee bugging husband and and husband said to stop, what would have happened if Wee didn't? So why does it work one way and not the other????

    husband stomped off and said he got it. I said "really?" and he said no. I apologized for him being stuck with this less than perfect family and told him that I had always maintained he's welcome to leave it at any moment, and today is NO different.

    He said he wasn't leaving and got in bed and turned his back to me.

    I went back to the living room to a very sorry Wee. He had gotten the rest of the pillows out of the fort but was afraid to take them to daddy. He was crying and I didn't catch all he said but he said he tried to do his best and he was just bad. He finished cleaning up the whole fort while easy child played a video game. It breaks my heart and I want to strangle husband.

    He didn't use to do this ****.

    Sorry, I just needed to vent. I'm so angry right now.
    Last edited: Feb 6, 2010
  2. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Poor little guy. Give him lots of hugs from Auntie Mary.
  3. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    I can't say what I want to say because I'm too angry and...we'll just leave it at that.

    Give Wee a hug from me.
  4. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    To a certain extent I think it's a bloke thing. With women, when we snap we tend to react a bit differently. We might yell and scream, but for a bloke they HAVE to be the ones in charge, the ones who have everybody lined up ready to obey instantly. If they don't have that in their own home, they consider themselves to be failures not just as parents, but as MEN. We don't have our gender so caught up in our ability to manage discipline, as men do.

    That said - there is no excuse for having such bad double-standards with kids, especially difficult child kids.

    Shari, I don't know if your husband can do this (ironically, it takes a really BIG man to admit he needs to change his ways) but he really needs a crash course in revised parenting, difficult child-style. He complains that wee won't do what he asks, but he takes it so personally, as an affront to his manhood, and this is making the problem far worse. husband needs to get in touch with what he is really trying to achieve here, and learn to stay in touch with that aim and not get sidetracked so readily by his own ego.

    There are numerous ways you can get husband to learn this, but the very first thing you need, is for husband to be receptive to the idea that he needs to change. And despite him saying that yes, he gets it. I'm not so sure he's receptive enough.

    Good for you in following him to set him straight. I would also have said to him, "I try to support you as a parent, but I cannot and will not support bad parenting. It looks bad when I have to step out of the united front and set things straight. it's bad for you, it's bad for me and it's bad for the kids, because it means they see YOU as flawed and capable of making mistakes. But it is better for the kids to learn that that sort of behaviour is a mistake, than to think we're still a united front and that sort of bad behaviour is what is acceptable. I would rather be disrespected by my kids but have them learn what is right, than to have their respect but see them learn that it's OK to get physical to get what you want."

    It can be done as a united front, but only if the previously-agreed standards are upheld by both of you. That's the deal - do it how we have agreed (and how therapists have told us it needs to be done) or lose face in front of your kids because you behaved like a brat.

    The only other option you have, and I would tell husband this, is for you to stand there and say brightly to the kids, "Now who can tell me exactly what Daddy did wrong there, in his demonstration of how not to behave? And incidentally, isn't Daddy a good actor?"

  5. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Couple things that popped out at me. Why was difficult child the one asked for the pillows and not easy child or both of them? You said they both built the fort. Why did easy child get to play a video game instead of helping difficult child clean up the fort? Doesn't sound to like things are "fair".

    Second, husband's volatile reaction requires investigation. I'm sorry, but that's not typlical. I say charge up the tape recorder or camcorder and catch his next outburst or two for his review. Perhaps he will see that he is a contributing factor in the stress at home.

    I feel really bad for difficult child....

  6. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    You caught that, too. I don't know why Wee was asked except that he was the one closest. Wee took on the task of cleaning up by himself because he felt bad...when I got done with husband, I was too angry to civily involve easy child so I helped Wee finish.

    And not for nothing, it takes no less repeating to get easy child to do anything...
  7. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I pointed out to him that he is a **** poor behavior model and I was sick of dealing with both of them.

    You said it.
    I am so sorry.

    Sharon got it right: he is a contributing factor in the stress at home.

    If only he would realize it. We have all been contributing factors at one time or another. But when it becomes a patterned behavior, it's got to be dealt with.
  8. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Yes, he's not helping with the Wee situation at all. I hate to counter him in front of the kids, but I felt I couldn't let that go on. And I don't know what is up and why he's been like this in the recent past. But it is getting to be the norm and that doesn't fly with me.

    If he's gonna act like that, I'd rather he did leave.
  9. ML

    ML Guest

    Ah Shari, I'm sorry. husband is acting out his gfgness and it's not ok. But what can you do? Will he consider counseling? Would he consider reading the board? My husband can act like a big baby at times also and because manster (like wee) is hypersensitive it becomes a combustible situation. He must change tactics in dealing with wee. I wonder if he is feeling a bit jealous of wee. I don't think that's far fetched. Our gfsg require so much attention that others in the home often feel ignored. I realize husband is an adult but if he's also a difficult child he too likely has "special" needs. I don't have answers here but I want you to know I feel your pain. Hugs, ML
  10. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    husband has told easy child 2 to get up for breakfast 4 times now. easy child is sitting on her bed wrapped in a blanket, watching the living room tv thru the crack in the bedroom door.
  11. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    Poor Wee!!!

    There definitely seems to be some double-standards in your house and that is so unfair!

    Just wondering...
    Next time husband begins to engage in a "difficult child-Style" activity, like swinging towels around--could you adopt your best "Mom" voice and ask him to please stop? What would happen? Would husband get the hint?
  12. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    That's what got him to stop this time...

    except now he's stomping around and not talking to me.

    The kids are in pcs room building another fort. He doesn't want them to build it in there, the mess should be in wee's room.

    I'm going to my brother's soon. And exactly how soon depends on what husband is gonne do all day.
  13. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Just out of curiousity, why is it okay to trash difficult child's room but not easy child's? Not that it matters. Just curious.

    I'll have your brother put out the welcome mat. Soon.
  14. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    In husband's mind, Wee makes the bigger mess.

    Before easy child went back to her mom's tonight, she made wee help her clean up the fort in her room. And wee did without complaint. I didn't say anything, because 2 wrongs don't make a right, but Wee cleaned up their mess last night alone...that kinda junk just drives me mad.

    I raised difficult child 1 and never once felt concerned about being fair or slighted or unfair or even really thought about him being a "step", even tho I knew I was always step-mom...and now it is a contant and I hate it.
  15. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    I feel bad for poor Wee. He should feel loved and cared for, not treated like a second class citizen and so should you. We cannot be responsible for anothers action, only our own. You have to help Wee, talk to him, love him, make him feel good.
  16. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    You're absolutely right, UAN, and husband didn't use to do this stuff. He's got to get a handle on it... or use that get out of jail free card...I don't care which.
  17. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I feel bad for poor Wee. He should feel loved and cared for, not treated like a second class citizen and so should you.

    I agree.

    husband needs counseling. He's got a lot of resentment going on.
    One of my sisters has had this situation. Very hard for everyone, especially the step daughter.
  18. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    As this situation with husband has gotten worse, I run interference more and more between him and wee, just to keep peace and lessen stress for Wee.

    Which makes me struggle with resenting husband....its all just ugly
  19. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Ah ... vicious circle. :(

    Advice ... hmm. I'm supposed to offer advice ...

    {{{{How about a hug?}}}
  20. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    At this point, I accept almost anything...Thanks.