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I told my son to leave again. After 24 hours. What am I doing wrong?
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 660565" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Copa, you did the right thing. And, it doesn't feel good. Holding that paradox within creates all the doubt, uncertainty and suffering. This is not a black and white thing, it is filled with those paradoxes, we love them AND we have to let them go. That is a tough nut.</p><p></p><p>I allowed my daughter to come home a number of times. My love and hope outweighed reality each time. Each time ended with her being asked to leave, being thrown out or she walked out indignantly. It never worked out well, (or how I envisioned it.) Now it is a non issue because it is not an option anymore. </p><p></p><p>I believe part of this process we are engaged in, is our own continuing to try different ways of helping them......in all it's forms. I think part of why we do that is to know that we've tried everything. Once we see that we've indeed tried everything, we can stop trying and let go. It's a process. It takes time. <em><u>There is no right or wrong.</u></em> We do what we do until we don't do it anymore. When we know better.............well, we do better. None of us knows how to do this, we learn as we go. </p><p></p><p>You made a tough choice, but the right choice. You've gained momentum in the detachment world. Each choice gets you closer to acceptance......</p><p></p><p>Last Thanksgiving eve my daughter texted to ask if she and her friend could stay the night. <em>Thanksgiving eve</em>..... She was coming for dinner with her friend the next day. I "refrained" and baked a pumpkin cheesecake. Then I re-read my very first posts on this forum......and realized not much had changed for my daughter in those 3 years......<em><u>but I had changed. A lot.</u></em> I said no. She arrived the next day and was fine. That was the last time she asked. That 'no' was a big one for both of us. </p><p></p><p>The situation with her is very, very different now. She is respectful, grateful, loving and kind to me. But, she is in her own world of couch surfing, not working much, pretty much doing what she's now done for about 7 or 8 years, since she lost her job and her home. It took me a long time, but I have accepted the way it is. Her life no longer holds me hostage. We don't see each other much, but she keeps me informed about how she is. Right now she is in a long term couch surf which seems to be working well for her. She seems happy and peaceful. For now, that is as good as it gets. I am grateful. </p><p></p><p>You did well Copa, you did the right thing, you made the right choice. <u>And</u> it is uncomfortable and it doesn't feel good. All of that is true simultaneously. We humans aren't trained in how to accept so much uncertainty nor how to let go of what we can't control. Here on this forum, we are in the PHD program of uncertainty, letting go and acceptance.......</p><p></p><p>For today, and the following days, do something extremely kind and nurturing for YOU. Put energy back in to yourself. We get depleted on this path and often we don't even realize it. That depletion causes depression, anxiety and all kinds of negative feelings. Focus on yourself, on your needs and desires. Get out of Dodge, go for a long walk in the woods or near the ocean. Get out your toolbox of how to cope with this and utilize your tools. You don't have to spend the day lamenting about the choice you made, you already made it......it's done.........let it go and walk into your life now......</p><p></p><p>Sending you big hugs. I know how hard it is.....let it go for now.......</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 660565, member: 13542"] Copa, you did the right thing. And, it doesn't feel good. Holding that paradox within creates all the doubt, uncertainty and suffering. This is not a black and white thing, it is filled with those paradoxes, we love them AND we have to let them go. That is a tough nut. I allowed my daughter to come home a number of times. My love and hope outweighed reality each time. Each time ended with her being asked to leave, being thrown out or she walked out indignantly. It never worked out well, (or how I envisioned it.) Now it is a non issue because it is not an option anymore. I believe part of this process we are engaged in, is our own continuing to try different ways of helping them......in all it's forms. I think part of why we do that is to know that we've tried everything. Once we see that we've indeed tried everything, we can stop trying and let go. It's a process. It takes time. [I][U]There is no right or wrong.[/U][/I] We do what we do until we don't do it anymore. When we know better.............well, we do better. None of us knows how to do this, we learn as we go. You made a tough choice, but the right choice. You've gained momentum in the detachment world. Each choice gets you closer to acceptance...... Last Thanksgiving eve my daughter texted to ask if she and her friend could stay the night. [I]Thanksgiving eve[/I]..... She was coming for dinner with her friend the next day. I "refrained" and baked a pumpkin cheesecake. Then I re-read my very first posts on this forum......and realized not much had changed for my daughter in those 3 years......[I][U]but I had changed. A lot.[/U][/I] I said no. She arrived the next day and was fine. That was the last time she asked. That 'no' was a big one for both of us. The situation with her is very, very different now. She is respectful, grateful, loving and kind to me. But, she is in her own world of couch surfing, not working much, pretty much doing what she's now done for about 7 or 8 years, since she lost her job and her home. It took me a long time, but I have accepted the way it is. Her life no longer holds me hostage. We don't see each other much, but she keeps me informed about how she is. Right now she is in a long term couch surf which seems to be working well for her. She seems happy and peaceful. For now, that is as good as it gets. I am grateful. You did well Copa, you did the right thing, you made the right choice. [U]And[/U] it is uncomfortable and it doesn't feel good. All of that is true simultaneously. We humans aren't trained in how to accept so much uncertainty nor how to let go of what we can't control. Here on this forum, we are in the PHD program of uncertainty, letting go and acceptance....... For today, and the following days, do something extremely kind and nurturing for YOU. Put energy back in to yourself. We get depleted on this path and often we don't even realize it. That depletion causes depression, anxiety and all kinds of negative feelings. Focus on yourself, on your needs and desires. Get out of Dodge, go for a long walk in the woods or near the ocean. Get out your toolbox of how to cope with this and utilize your tools. You don't have to spend the day lamenting about the choice you made, you already made it......it's done.........let it go and walk into your life now...... Sending you big hugs. I know how hard it is.....let it go for now....... [/QUOTE]
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I told my son to leave again. After 24 hours. What am I doing wrong?
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