I visited difficult child today.

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by klmno, May 2, 2010.

  1. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I didn't go the previous two times so this is the first I'd talked to him since the day he was taken into detention. I had rec'd a letter from him a few days ago saying he missed us, he was sorry, that he was confused about why he had two upcoming court dates, and that he hoped I'd visit. Today, he said he had gone to the pastor and asked to speak with him because I hadn't come either day to visit and hadn't answered his letter. He said he talked to the pastor about everything- his father, his previous incarceration, the way he'd been so curious about going out with friends to party, etc. I hoped the pastor said something to help difficult child, but who knows at this point. He says he plans to just stay away from all friends/peers for months- at least until he's off parole, and he'll just talk to them at school. I told him I thought it would be more effective and better all the way around to develop friendships with kids who aren't the quick and easy type and walking down the wrong path. IOW, it usually doesn't work very well to plan to stay away from the "bad" if you aren't making effort and replacing it with "good" because you have to have somethings and friends. I asked if he'd planned to come home and just soak everything up as long as it lasted when he was in Department of Juvenile Justice and he said no, that he just wanted to try certain things, then got caught up in it, then decided he didn't care. I told him again that he had to make his own choices about what he wants in his life, but if he didn't care there is nothing anyone can do. I hope another 10 days in there gets him further along than this.

    He did say that before, the other kids he'd been incarcerated with just sat around and talked about having fun and how to get by with stuff when they got released. He said the boys he's in there with this time are really wanting to change- he knows a few from previous incarcerations (what a way to meet "friends", huh?) and that they are starting to get tired of coming back and are talking about really changing and moving on with their lives. TG! I hope many of them mean it. I think Janet mentioned something like that before and PO had also told me that a lot of these kids eventually really do get tired of the revolving door and start making real effort to pursue a better plan. As all of us here, I just hope my son gets there before he loses more and more opportunity.

    I told him that his def attny was not going to ask for his release on the monitoring program this week in order to ask the judge for release on time served next week. He seemed to understand that was a good idea. I didn't tell him that this was also PO's plan. I still think it's a good idea for him to sit there sweating a little more. Even though none of us know how a judge might decide, since def attny, PO, and myself are in agreement about difficult child coming home with this time served and given another chance, the judge will more than likely approve that. He might add in a couple of more weekend times but I doubt he'll recommit difficult child on this. I just didn't want difficult child to get too sure about that.
  2. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Oh- the things he said about drugs and partying are worrisome. He said he'd been VERY curious about going out and partying for years because even adults in detention had always talked about going out and partying as teenagers and he had a lot of fun- so much fun that it was close to being worth it, if it doesn't get him back in Department of Juvenile Justice. :faint:

    But, on the other hand, he said now he had experienced it and wasn't so curious about it and even though he had thought that only a little was no big deal, he realized now that cigs had led him to want to try beer and pot, and pot had led him to want to try pills, and even more- so maybe he should leave all of it alone because pot isn't addictive but he can see that it can and does lead to other things.

    We'll just have to wait and see which side wins out on that one, but I did explain that since he comes from a family that has issues in this area and he already has his own issues in different areas, he is more susceptible to aaddiction and plowing down a road where one thing leads to worse things.

    I'm going to talk to him some more about having to choose between doing stuff like that at the same time he wants to pursue things like college. I do believe he wants good things in his future but I need to start stressing to him that the real question is whether or not he wants them bad enough to do what it takes to get them and leave this other stuff alone, and maybe get PO and others to help him see that he can't have both.

    And another plan he'd considered when thinking he'd just run away: he was going to steal my car and go to a neighboring state. I had to laugh at that one- I said "difficult child, since you have never been behind the wheel of a car, you wouldn't have made it out of the neighborhood". But, TG I had been sleeping with my keys in my pocket due to having stuff locked in the trunk of the car.
    Last edited: May 2, 2010
  3. idohope

    idohope Member

    My heart goes out to you. I hope that he turns in a better direction.
  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am sorry that once again you have had to visit your son while he is incarcerated. I hope that the PO is right and he decides soon that Department of Juvenile Justice is NOT where he wants to be. And that he changes his actions so he can stay OUT of there.

    I think waiting to go see him may have been smart. It shows him that you have some choices too. I can remember my aunt saying that one reason she stopped dating a boy was that he was breaking laws and my Gma wouldn't ever go visit her if she was in jail. Aunt is much younger than my dad, so I remember picking her up from high school. I even remember her and Gma fighting about the boy and Gma saying this. I have NO idea if Gma would have followed through or not, but it sent a clear message.

    I am NOT saying not to visit difficult child. Just that it may be a wake-up call if he realizes that you do not HAVE to visit him in Department of Juvenile Justice. While I would NOT visit my bro if he were incarcerated, I don't know what I would do if it were my son.

    Sending you lots of hugs.
  5. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    PO and I are in agreement that difficult child struggles between what he wants for his future and doing the right thing and really trying VS giving up and not caring and just wanting to hang out with friends. Now, what is up in the air is what is behind all that so maybe it can be addressed appropriately. IOW, "not caring" can be really not wanting the other option or a sign of depression or giving up due to lack of confidence. Usually that becomes clear after a while and that is what we are hoping for. PO is going to talk to difficult child again next week and in the mean time, they have ordered another mental health evaluation on difficult child. PO mentioned that he hoped I understood that- I told him I had no problem with it but difficult child has had 100 evaluations and until the system supports the recommendations and we find a therapist that will follow them instead of trying to do their own and reinvent the wheel when they don't even know the history as well, I don't see them getting us anywhere. difficult child has a file full of evaluations. Many of us see the problems and agree on them- we just can't seem to find anything effeective that we can get to get us/him past this point.
  6. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Wish I had some great advice-just sending hugs and know you and your difficult child are in my nightly prayers.