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I Walked Out
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 20791" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Janna, I've got some suggestions for you. TM is right, this is a game. You have to learn to play the game better than them.</p><p></p><p>I've not been there with a foster situation, but I HAVE been there with this level of hostility, aimed at me. I HAVE experienced this. ANd for me, too, it was a game they were playing to undermine me, to humiliate me, and most important of all - to discredit me. I had to work fast, after i walked out, to make sure that it rebounded on them and not on me. As it was, I was almost too late. (more details privately if you really want to know).</p><p></p><p>So here goes:</p><p>You need to draft a letter, NOW. Run it past your lawyer, maybe have him reword it so it's coming from him. (by the way, where was he in this? Why wasn't he insisting this woman show respect to you, especially in front of difficult child 2?)</p><p></p><p>Keep the letter calm, but firm. Points to mention:</p><p></p><p>1) You were on time. You had been told that the time you were able to arrive would be soon enough, therefore you were on time. (For future reference - if they say, "It's OK for you to be late," don't accept this. Insist the official start time be logged as the time you expect to be there, not the time that is set without you having a say.)</p><p></p><p>2) It is inappropriate to make personal attacks on the mother, especially in the presence of difficult child 2. If FM is talking like that about you, at such a meeting, in his presence, what worse is she saying in the privacy of her own home? (For future reference I would have asked her to stop the personal remarks, or ask SW to ask her to curb her temper, while difficult child 2 is in the room. I would also ask, at the meeting, if this is an indication of how she talks about you in his presence at other times. Do not address her personally, but instead ask someone official from CPS to control their hired foster worker - the "hired help").</p><p></p><p>3) Certain issues should be on the agenda. The IEP paperwork is beyond doubt. Maybe the FM was unaware of official protocol and exactly what constitutes an informal chat on the schoolroom steps, and an IEP meeting. (At meetings take a helpful, condescending approach - teach her the difference, gently and politely because she's clearly not bright enough to work this out for herself). These matters should be dealt with, still need to be dealt with and must be raised in your letter - "We need some resolution on these matters; antagonising me to the point where I have no choice but to leave a meeting which has degenerated into a slanging match is no way to sort out these issues. I have to wonder how difficult child 2 is ever going to learn appropriate behaviour if he is exposed to this sort of inappropriate behaviour from adults who are supposed to be setting him an example."</p><p></p><p>4) Now you mention why you had to leave the meeting. You should be able to deal with personal attacks, you've got to not seem to be too thin-skinned. However, pointing out that the meeting had ceased to be productive due to the inappropriate attitude of FM and the failure of CPS etc to curb this bad behaviour (which implies they were endorsing it) is one important reason to walk out. You made a special effort to get there as soon as possible, to a meeting which had been scheduled for a time which was impossible for you to manage (and they must have known this, your lawyer told them). If you were a drug-using, violent, abusive and neglectful mother you STILL would not have deserved to be treated this way. And you are not any of these - you relinquished your son voluntarily because you could not cope with him. You have other children you CAN cope with, so this isn't about parenting. And how many fosters has he been through? So clearly, the fosters can't handle him either. This CAN'T be a parenting issue. While modifying parenting may help, it's only a fraction of the picture and says nothing about bad parenting.</p><p></p><p>Don't write too long a letter. You basically need to say that you left the meting for good reasons, mostly because it no longer was a meeting, it was now a free-for-all with poor control by the chair. You MUST do this because somewhere, someone is writing a letter criticising you for walking out. Your letter, arriving ASAP, MUST NOT be seen as a reaction to their letter. Get your letter in there before you get a copy of theirs.</p><p></p><p>As I said, run it via your lawyer first, but on the way, tell him to get a spine. He could have/should have put a stop to the disrespect, without looking like a thug or a heavy. it is so easy to control a meeting back into politeness when that is t he genuine aim of those present. if the meeting continues to degenerate after trying to call for order, it's usually clear that someone (and who that someone is) is trying to deliberately sabotage the meeting. And that never looks good for the saboteur.</p><p></p><p>Basically, I still wonder - if your lawyer HAD intervened to gag her (or ask that she be gagged, and that difficult child 2 should be sent out of the room while she tries to gain control of her mouth) it would have:</p><p>a) sent a strong message to difficult child 2 as well as FM that this is unacceptable behaviour.</p><p>b) sent a message to CPS that badmouthing you is inappropriate and won't be tolerated; and</p><p>c) made it clear that CPS have to curb their FMs.</p><p></p><p>He could have done this without causing offence. it is easy to should people down, but inappropriate. It is just as easy to politely insist on good manners and be firm about it. Remember a few famous TV characters: Marlon Brando in "Godfather". He talked quietly, politely, at a mumble. And Meryl Streep in "The Devil Wears Prada". Her character is even more effective because she speaks softly, slowly and with no obvious menace in her voice. It could have been played with much more venom, but her way works incredibly well, because the other characters clearly have to watch and listen much more closely, to avoid incurring her displeasure. Use Meryl Streep's delivery, channel her character from that film, at your next meeting. Of course, where difficult child 2's welfare is concerned you can include some of Streep from "Sophie's Choice" - the loving mother faced with impossible decisions. But only towards difficult child 2. To everyone who is standing in your way - "Prada" personality.</p><p></p><p>Getting that letter in as quickly as you can while still making sure you're writing an effective letter and not a whine, is the best thing you can do right now.</p><p></p><p>And a quick hark back to my meeting that I walked out of - I was actually in the Chair. And I couldn't control the meeting, I was being shouted down by committee members (one in particular, with another, who I knew was the real mastermind, echoing him to reinforce). So after giving several warnings that this meeting had now become unconstitutional (I checked the rules made sure it was - turned out they had not given sufficient notice according to the organisation's constitution) I then warned that unless they spoke in turn through the chair I would close the meeting. They kept yelling abuse at me, this bloke actually pounded his fist into the desk under my nose, so I got up, said, "I cannot declare this meeting closed, because I am now aware this is unconstitutional; this meeting has not in fact taken place," and walked out. I did my best to look cool and calm, but I was shaking. I got to the door. closed it behind me and ran (as fast as I CAN run). When I got back to my car I called the other committee members who hadn't been notified of the meeting (it had been set up to ambush me) and felt a huge sense of relief at walking out. I moved the car as soon as I could, so those following me out of the meeting would think I had left the area, but I was too shaky to drive for about fifteen minutes.</p><p></p><p>It took me an hour to get home, then I drafted me letter and faxed it in to the office. And because the other ratbags at the meeting had stayed to talk and gossip about me, I had the advantage of time. it was another two hours before THEIR letter made it in. The secretary immediately sent me a copy of their letter and glory be! My own letter, drafted according to the guidelines I suggested above, answered all their arguments, even though I hadn't known about it first.</p><p></p><p>End result - egg on THEIR faces, when they had been trying to force me into resignation (which would have been upheld) or no confidence motion (which would have been invalid with an unconstitutional meeting).</p><p></p><p>I hung in there with this mob until I had a replacement groomed, then I resigned on my own terms. This small group then tried to shut down the organisation, but failed. It is still going strong, so in the long run I have won.</p><p></p><p>Janna, it's not fair, but you have to play the game by their rules, so you can recognise when they're cheating. And because too often they've been getting by via cheating, for so long, they've often forgotten how to play by the rules when you force them to. Hence - you win.</p><p></p><p>Get drafting with that letter. Unlike my response here, try to not go over a page.</p><p></p><p>Good luck!</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 20791, member: 1991"] Janna, I've got some suggestions for you. TM is right, this is a game. You have to learn to play the game better than them. I've not been there with a foster situation, but I HAVE been there with this level of hostility, aimed at me. I HAVE experienced this. ANd for me, too, it was a game they were playing to undermine me, to humiliate me, and most important of all - to discredit me. I had to work fast, after i walked out, to make sure that it rebounded on them and not on me. As it was, I was almost too late. (more details privately if you really want to know). So here goes: You need to draft a letter, NOW. Run it past your lawyer, maybe have him reword it so it's coming from him. (by the way, where was he in this? Why wasn't he insisting this woman show respect to you, especially in front of difficult child 2?) Keep the letter calm, but firm. Points to mention: 1) You were on time. You had been told that the time you were able to arrive would be soon enough, therefore you were on time. (For future reference - if they say, "It's OK for you to be late," don't accept this. Insist the official start time be logged as the time you expect to be there, not the time that is set without you having a say.) 2) It is inappropriate to make personal attacks on the mother, especially in the presence of difficult child 2. If FM is talking like that about you, at such a meeting, in his presence, what worse is she saying in the privacy of her own home? (For future reference I would have asked her to stop the personal remarks, or ask SW to ask her to curb her temper, while difficult child 2 is in the room. I would also ask, at the meeting, if this is an indication of how she talks about you in his presence at other times. Do not address her personally, but instead ask someone official from CPS to control their hired foster worker - the "hired help"). 3) Certain issues should be on the agenda. The IEP paperwork is beyond doubt. Maybe the FM was unaware of official protocol and exactly what constitutes an informal chat on the schoolroom steps, and an IEP meeting. (At meetings take a helpful, condescending approach - teach her the difference, gently and politely because she's clearly not bright enough to work this out for herself). These matters should be dealt with, still need to be dealt with and must be raised in your letter - "We need some resolution on these matters; antagonising me to the point where I have no choice but to leave a meeting which has degenerated into a slanging match is no way to sort out these issues. I have to wonder how difficult child 2 is ever going to learn appropriate behaviour if he is exposed to this sort of inappropriate behaviour from adults who are supposed to be setting him an example." 4) Now you mention why you had to leave the meeting. You should be able to deal with personal attacks, you've got to not seem to be too thin-skinned. However, pointing out that the meeting had ceased to be productive due to the inappropriate attitude of FM and the failure of CPS etc to curb this bad behaviour (which implies they were endorsing it) is one important reason to walk out. You made a special effort to get there as soon as possible, to a meeting which had been scheduled for a time which was impossible for you to manage (and they must have known this, your lawyer told them). If you were a drug-using, violent, abusive and neglectful mother you STILL would not have deserved to be treated this way. And you are not any of these - you relinquished your son voluntarily because you could not cope with him. You have other children you CAN cope with, so this isn't about parenting. And how many fosters has he been through? So clearly, the fosters can't handle him either. This CAN'T be a parenting issue. While modifying parenting may help, it's only a fraction of the picture and says nothing about bad parenting. Don't write too long a letter. You basically need to say that you left the meting for good reasons, mostly because it no longer was a meeting, it was now a free-for-all with poor control by the chair. You MUST do this because somewhere, someone is writing a letter criticising you for walking out. Your letter, arriving ASAP, MUST NOT be seen as a reaction to their letter. Get your letter in there before you get a copy of theirs. As I said, run it via your lawyer first, but on the way, tell him to get a spine. He could have/should have put a stop to the disrespect, without looking like a thug or a heavy. it is so easy to control a meeting back into politeness when that is t he genuine aim of those present. if the meeting continues to degenerate after trying to call for order, it's usually clear that someone (and who that someone is) is trying to deliberately sabotage the meeting. And that never looks good for the saboteur. Basically, I still wonder - if your lawyer HAD intervened to gag her (or ask that she be gagged, and that difficult child 2 should be sent out of the room while she tries to gain control of her mouth) it would have: a) sent a strong message to difficult child 2 as well as FM that this is unacceptable behaviour. b) sent a message to CPS that badmouthing you is inappropriate and won't be tolerated; and c) made it clear that CPS have to curb their FMs. He could have done this without causing offence. it is easy to should people down, but inappropriate. It is just as easy to politely insist on good manners and be firm about it. Remember a few famous TV characters: Marlon Brando in "Godfather". He talked quietly, politely, at a mumble. And Meryl Streep in "The Devil Wears Prada". Her character is even more effective because she speaks softly, slowly and with no obvious menace in her voice. It could have been played with much more venom, but her way works incredibly well, because the other characters clearly have to watch and listen much more closely, to avoid incurring her displeasure. Use Meryl Streep's delivery, channel her character from that film, at your next meeting. Of course, where difficult child 2's welfare is concerned you can include some of Streep from "Sophie's Choice" - the loving mother faced with impossible decisions. But only towards difficult child 2. To everyone who is standing in your way - "Prada" personality. Getting that letter in as quickly as you can while still making sure you're writing an effective letter and not a whine, is the best thing you can do right now. And a quick hark back to my meeting that I walked out of - I was actually in the Chair. And I couldn't control the meeting, I was being shouted down by committee members (one in particular, with another, who I knew was the real mastermind, echoing him to reinforce). So after giving several warnings that this meeting had now become unconstitutional (I checked the rules made sure it was - turned out they had not given sufficient notice according to the organisation's constitution) I then warned that unless they spoke in turn through the chair I would close the meeting. They kept yelling abuse at me, this bloke actually pounded his fist into the desk under my nose, so I got up, said, "I cannot declare this meeting closed, because I am now aware this is unconstitutional; this meeting has not in fact taken place," and walked out. I did my best to look cool and calm, but I was shaking. I got to the door. closed it behind me and ran (as fast as I CAN run). When I got back to my car I called the other committee members who hadn't been notified of the meeting (it had been set up to ambush me) and felt a huge sense of relief at walking out. I moved the car as soon as I could, so those following me out of the meeting would think I had left the area, but I was too shaky to drive for about fifteen minutes. It took me an hour to get home, then I drafted me letter and faxed it in to the office. And because the other ratbags at the meeting had stayed to talk and gossip about me, I had the advantage of time. it was another two hours before THEIR letter made it in. The secretary immediately sent me a copy of their letter and glory be! My own letter, drafted according to the guidelines I suggested above, answered all their arguments, even though I hadn't known about it first. End result - egg on THEIR faces, when they had been trying to force me into resignation (which would have been upheld) or no confidence motion (which would have been invalid with an unconstitutional meeting). I hung in there with this mob until I had a replacement groomed, then I resigned on my own terms. This small group then tried to shut down the organisation, but failed. It is still going strong, so in the long run I have won. Janna, it's not fair, but you have to play the game by their rules, so you can recognise when they're cheating. And because too often they've been getting by via cheating, for so long, they've often forgotten how to play by the rules when you force them to. Hence - you win. Get drafting with that letter. Unlike my response here, try to not go over a page. Good luck! Marg [/QUOTE]
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