I want to scream. I want to punch. I want to kick. I want to break things. I want to drive my car into a freakin' tree JUST to feel the impact. I am so bleepin' enraged right now and I don't know why. I am sick of it all. I am sick of filling my pill boxes for AM and PM just so I don't get my medications mixed up and so I don't forget to take them. I am tired of having to have the print out of my medications from the doctor when I fill those stupid boxes so I don't miss any. I am sick of taking them. I cannot stand not knowing how I'm going to feel the next day...what's going to hurt, how bad, how sick am I going to feel, how fatigued am I going to be, how confused, am I going to embarrass myself if I go out in public by getting my words wrong or looking like I'm drunk or getting turned around and disoriented inside the stupid grocery store that I've shopped at since it opened 7-8 plus years ago. I tried to lie down and sleep through this feeling. It is so intense that I can hardly bear it. But, I laid there thinking about cutting my wrists or throwing myself in front of a truck. I'm not actively suicidal, as strange as that sounds. But all of this rage has to have some kind of release. For the first time in my life I completely understand cutting and self-mutilation. So I came here and am using my words instead. And I called my mom as I was typing and I let it out and then I started to sob. And now I can't stop. Wynter helped me clean the kitchen last night. Just the dishes and counter. I was going to make hamburgers for her after. And I couldn't. I was in so much pain after doing that little bit that I couldn't stand. Not even for a few seconds. And that was on pain medication. Lord help me. I want out of my body. I'm calling my doctor when they open. I think I need something PRN - risperdal or something. Or else I think I'm going to end up back in the psychiatric hospital. And I have come so far since then. It kills me that I'm sliding back like this. This bothers me more than the physical stuff.