I Want to be Your Daughter

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by meowbunny, Feb 16, 2008.

  1. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I really did stick with being her landlady. She had to buy her own food, etc. I would go places and not invite her, nor would I bring her something back. I was friendly to her, would listen as she talked about her day and give advice pretty much as I would if she were any young person asking me. It killed me, but no hugs, kisses, no cuddling in bed watching a movie, none of the mommy stuff.

    She had been making little noises about not liking being a tenant. I would simply state she knew what she had to do to have it changed. Yesterday, a friend was in town that truly loves my daughter and insisted she come to lunch with us. I told my child I had some errands I had to run afterwards so she'd be stuck with me. She blossomed when I said that. So, we had lunch and started on errands, including a couple for her. Mind you, this is a kid who would rather die than do a bunch of errands unless it meant she would get something.

    After a library stop, we went to her bank. After she got out, she asked me if I could please be her Mom again. She'd still buy her own food, etc. if she had to but she missed me. I told her the rules hadn't changed even if she works 7 days a week. We did agree that she would write out her chore schedule weekly so that if her hours changed, she could still accomplish what was needed for that week.

    I did ask her what had changed her mind. She told me I wasn't as mean to her. I explained that was because I expected very little from a tenant -- pay the rent, pick up own messes, keep a semi-clean room and bathroom. I expect more from my daughter and when she can't or won't even do the basics, it causes resentment, frustration and hurt in me.

    I don't know if this will last but I'm hoping so. I've seen tremendous changes in her the past month -- more willingness to help with little things, actually got upset that I was doing HER chore of taking out the trash.

    For me, treating my child as a tenant was a hard, lonely thing to do. I love and cherish my daughter. I want her in my life. I am so happy to have her back.

    So, hopefully, this is the end of my saga. We'll still battle -- we're both very strongwilled -- but they'll be battles with love at the bottom of them. She'll still have issues, as we all do, but I think she'll become stronger because of them as she continues to mature.
  2. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    It was an interesting experiment and I hope you achieve the results you wanted.......I also thought with a different child you could have ended up pushing her away.....I'm glad you raised the daughter you did........
  3. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    I'm happy to hear that! I know you missed her. Enjoy having her back.
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I'm glad you get to be a Mom again. I'm glad difficult child came to her senses and has decided to cooperate and appreciate her mother. I certainly hope it lasts. Sounds like it was a real eye opener for her.

  5. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Yeah!:whistle:Yippeee!:jumphappy:I'm so happy for you - I know how much you've missed those mommy moments. I hope it sticks.:beautifulthing:
  6. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    I know it was difficult and I'm proud of you for holding out.

    WAHOOOO that it worked! :jumphappy:

  7. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    WMM -- I was afraid I would lose her by forcing her to become a tenant, but I knew we wouldn't keep on living the way we were and I couldn't think of any other alternative. If I let her doing the same old, I was angry and resentful. If I'd kicked her out, I would have felt guilty, let her come back and then back to same thing. So, thought I would try this route. There wasn't much to lose.

    She actually came around quicker than I thought she would. What was really nice was that it wasn't the money issue that turned her, it was missing the mother-daughter things.

    Yesterday, after lunch and errands, she asked if we could go to the square and just hang around. We walked through the shops. Listened to the music (she even let me bop to it without dying of embarassment), then went to have dinner. It was a great day/evening. When we got home, she went to her room and was putzing around there and her bathroom. She came out of the bathroom with her hair straightened and then asked me to check the bathroom to see what I thought. She'd deep cleaned it without a word from me!

    I know things won't be perfect but I do think gentle reminders of what needs to be done will work most of the time. We agreed that she could write her own weekly schedule and it could change according to her work schedule. She asked that I remind her before I go to bed each night what needs to be done that day -- she likes working at night which is fine. I also agreed that I wouldn't say a word about how long she sleeps so long as she does what is needed and she won't yell if I wake her up doing my stuff.

    Honestly, I'm so happy to have her back, it's almost sickening. I have a goofy grin on my face even though she just left for work.


    And for those of you who were cheering me on in the background::flowers::flowers:
  8. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so glad that she saw the light!:capitulate:

    I was there cheering you on, MB, and couldn't be happier for you.:jumphappy:


  9. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Awwww....:aww: That's really nice!

    You should be proud of both of you!
  10. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    It was so nice to see this type of post. I think a lot of the things we do for our children feel like they hurt us more than get our point across and change for the better.

    I'm proud of you for sticking to your lease agreement. I can't imagine how hard that is - especially loosing the movie/cuddle time - we get so little.

    Congratulations for your daughter coming home -
  11. Jena

    Jena New Member

    ah good for you and her both.

    i bet that was hard to treat her that way i cannot even imagine the disconnect necessary but you took a leap of faith went with what you thought was best and look what happened.

    very happy for you............i like happy stories :)

  12. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    That is so cool. Glad it worked out.

  13. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    MB - I'm soooo happy to read this. It brings tears to my eyes.