I Want You Out of My Life
- Thread starter welcometowitsend
- Start date
scent of cedar
New Member
Star*
call 911........call 911
Witzend......
Hi, I've not been here for a while but I try to keep in the know. No matter how long you're gone from situations like yours with your son however; the players and the game never seem to change. You want your son to love you, or at least admit you exist, you don't understand why he doesn't, you'll do anything short of standing out if front of a bus to get his attention, and most of all it hurts so bad, you keep upping the ante, and the rewards to try to win his most meager of interest in your life.
I wish you could see by a show of hands how many people I talk to every day that tell me (not in those words) but in words like yours - I pay for his phone, I send him money, I would let him live here, He's living where HE wants to, He doesn't respect me, I can't get him to text me, He talks to me like I'm dirt - that cry from their soul and hurt sincerely like you do - and their children? Are in their 30's, 40's, 50's. A lot of them sure are in their 10's, teens, 20's.....which to some? Seems "almost normal" - because we tend to EXCUSE the behaviors because they are "young" - but I asked my son recently WHT does your age have to do with MY RESPECT? WHT does age have to do with respecting how you talk to ANYONE? How you TREAT anyone? Give me a reason.....one solid reason - and I'll listen to you all night. You have the floor. Why are you so angry? What are you running from? When I asked these questions they made him angry. Which is fine....you have a right to be angry - all day long.....you do NOT have the right to be disrespectful to me - I've never been disrespectful to you. I've never lied to you. I've done the best I could for you and when it was NOT the right thing because I didn't know any better at that TIME? I sought out the people to HELP ME.....do better for myself so I COULD do better for you. SO tell me HOW did I fail YOU? You don't get that right to talk to me like I'm dirt.
So when my son told me - I don't want you in my life? I said FINE.......packed his junk in a bag and put him on a train......and he left. I didn't talk to him for nearly 5 or 6 months. Did it hurt? Yup. He's been gone 5 years and he made some WHOPPER mistakes. But who made them? HE did. Who's paying for them? HE is. Who did he think......was going to fix them? WOW I don't know - you wanted me OUT OF YOUR LIFE....so YOU fix them. STAND ON YOUR OWN TWO FEET.....you're a man now. I'm not going to be one of those women that call (where I work) and listen to them sound like total (type bad word here) about their sons living at home while they---------bail them out of jail......try to find their car because their son was driving DUI.....(really lady he was driving drunk - could have KILLED MY FAMILY and you want to bail him out and go GET HIS CAR?????? (insert bad word here)....and BRING HIM HOME........?????) where does he work? Oh he's not working????? So what money are you using to bail him out with? WOW (insert another bad word here) EVERY day.....100 times a day - and I work with some hard nosed men.....that get off the phone and say (what a nincompoop) but they're right. KEEP BAILING HIM OUT LADY HE's REALLY LEARNING a lesson. And then they want the police to fix it for them......OH he's 40 and a drunk and a drug addict and he just broke into a store,......well maybe he wouldn't have if you had let him have some hard knocks and figure it out when he was in his teens before it was too late ........and the damages and price gets too high.
I hate to sound like a thunderstorm.......but consider if he messes up now.........at 18......he hasn't started his life......his time would teach him a lesson......his time away from you would teach him - O.M.G. I told my MOTHER TO GET OUT OF MY LIFE (am I A MORON OR WHAT) 00000 I don't have her on a leash at my beck and call.........and I messed up and she's NOT going to come fix it......so he has to stand on his own legs....and if he were to go to jail??????? Jail is not comfortable.....and it's not fun....and they make it so you DO NOT want to come back. If he were to go now? He may learn a life lesson or two and start treating you with respect that you WANT.. If you keep checking up on his FB page? You're going to get ulcers. FB is for THEIR generation..........LET IT GO. Get off of reading his diary. He said get out of his life.......DO IT. And do it all the way.
And if you haven't gotten yourself into therapy to HELP YOURSELF KNOW how to walk away from this person?????? Do that too. I highly recommend it to give you strength because in doing it for yourself YOU DO HELP YOUR SON. It worked for me. It does not happen overnight......IT takes YEARS.......but in the mean time - it gets your head and your heart and your BS-ometer in the right world. And you get and gain RESPECT. Not only from your son - but for YOURSELF. And trust me once you get YOUR groove back on......DARE someone to talk to you like your son does.. Your BODY language is so right -----it doesn't happen often and when it does you are so at peace it's like water off a ducks back - because you know who you are and what you will and wont stand for.
As far as keeping the phone on or off? That's got to be from your Mom heart. I can already tell you're not ready to turn it off.......so leave it on and stop fretting over it. Done deal. Therapy also makes you stronger in the decision making department. You won't be ....oh should I .......shouldn't I.......you MAKE decisions based on whats BEST for you. That itself was worth the cost of admission to me.
Hugs & Love
Star
Hi, I've not been here for a while but I try to keep in the know. No matter how long you're gone from situations like yours with your son however; the players and the game never seem to change. You want your son to love you, or at least admit you exist, you don't understand why he doesn't, you'll do anything short of standing out if front of a bus to get his attention, and most of all it hurts so bad, you keep upping the ante, and the rewards to try to win his most meager of interest in your life.
I wish you could see by a show of hands how many people I talk to every day that tell me (not in those words) but in words like yours - I pay for his phone, I send him money, I would let him live here, He's living where HE wants to, He doesn't respect me, I can't get him to text me, He talks to me like I'm dirt - that cry from their soul and hurt sincerely like you do - and their children? Are in their 30's, 40's, 50's. A lot of them sure are in their 10's, teens, 20's.....which to some? Seems "almost normal" - because we tend to EXCUSE the behaviors because they are "young" - but I asked my son recently WHT does your age have to do with MY RESPECT? WHT does age have to do with respecting how you talk to ANYONE? How you TREAT anyone? Give me a reason.....one solid reason - and I'll listen to you all night. You have the floor. Why are you so angry? What are you running from? When I asked these questions they made him angry. Which is fine....you have a right to be angry - all day long.....you do NOT have the right to be disrespectful to me - I've never been disrespectful to you. I've never lied to you. I've done the best I could for you and when it was NOT the right thing because I didn't know any better at that TIME? I sought out the people to HELP ME.....do better for myself so I COULD do better for you. SO tell me HOW did I fail YOU? You don't get that right to talk to me like I'm dirt.
So when my son told me - I don't want you in my life? I said FINE.......packed his junk in a bag and put him on a train......and he left. I didn't talk to him for nearly 5 or 6 months. Did it hurt? Yup. He's been gone 5 years and he made some WHOPPER mistakes. But who made them? HE did. Who's paying for them? HE is. Who did he think......was going to fix them? WOW I don't know - you wanted me OUT OF YOUR LIFE....so YOU fix them. STAND ON YOUR OWN TWO FEET.....you're a man now. I'm not going to be one of those women that call (where I work) and listen to them sound like total (type bad word here) about their sons living at home while they---------bail them out of jail......try to find their car because their son was driving DUI.....(really lady he was driving drunk - could have KILLED MY FAMILY and you want to bail him out and go GET HIS CAR?????? (insert bad word here)....and BRING HIM HOME........?????) where does he work? Oh he's not working????? So what money are you using to bail him out with? WOW (insert another bad word here) EVERY day.....100 times a day - and I work with some hard nosed men.....that get off the phone and say (what a nincompoop) but they're right. KEEP BAILING HIM OUT LADY HE's REALLY LEARNING a lesson. And then they want the police to fix it for them......OH he's 40 and a drunk and a drug addict and he just broke into a store,......well maybe he wouldn't have if you had let him have some hard knocks and figure it out when he was in his teens before it was too late ........and the damages and price gets too high.
I hate to sound like a thunderstorm.......but consider if he messes up now.........at 18......he hasn't started his life......his time would teach him a lesson......his time away from you would teach him - O.M.G. I told my MOTHER TO GET OUT OF MY LIFE (am I A MORON OR WHAT) 00000 I don't have her on a leash at my beck and call.........and I messed up and she's NOT going to come fix it......so he has to stand on his own legs....and if he were to go to jail??????? Jail is not comfortable.....and it's not fun....and they make it so you DO NOT want to come back. If he were to go now? He may learn a life lesson or two and start treating you with respect that you WANT.. If you keep checking up on his FB page? You're going to get ulcers. FB is for THEIR generation..........LET IT GO. Get off of reading his diary. He said get out of his life.......DO IT. And do it all the way.
And if you haven't gotten yourself into therapy to HELP YOURSELF KNOW how to walk away from this person?????? Do that too. I highly recommend it to give you strength because in doing it for yourself YOU DO HELP YOUR SON. It worked for me. It does not happen overnight......IT takes YEARS.......but in the mean time - it gets your head and your heart and your BS-ometer in the right world. And you get and gain RESPECT. Not only from your son - but for YOURSELF. And trust me once you get YOUR groove back on......DARE someone to talk to you like your son does.. Your BODY language is so right -----it doesn't happen often and when it does you are so at peace it's like water off a ducks back - because you know who you are and what you will and wont stand for.
As far as keeping the phone on or off? That's got to be from your Mom heart. I can already tell you're not ready to turn it off.......so leave it on and stop fretting over it. Done deal. Therapy also makes you stronger in the decision making department. You won't be ....oh should I .......shouldn't I.......you MAKE decisions based on whats BEST for you. That itself was worth the cost of admission to me.
Hugs & Love
Star
welcometowitsend
Member
Susiestar - Insane is correct, I was talking about social assistance. I wish I could send the police after him to bring him back or to take him to some sort of treatment facility. Where we live they can live on their own at 16 and there is nothing I can do about it. I have absolutely no say.
Barbara - easy child basically thinks Funnybunny is an idiot. She will speak to him shortly sometimes but mostly ignores him. But she hasn't deleted or blocked him from her FB.
I know what you mean about things not occurring to you that they affected easy child. I always assumed that most of her anger towards him was because of how he'd treated me and the disruption he'd caused in the family. We talked about that a few weeks ago and that's when a lot of stuff came out about how he treated her, especially when husband and I weren't home or out of earshot. That's where most of her anger comes from. Guess I had my head in the sand and didn't see it. Anyway, easy child doesn't really like to talk about him but she knows I'm always here to discuss anything she needs to work through and she has come to me a few times. If I think something is important I will bring it up to her as well and she can choose to talk about it then or later. She may end up with a therapist next year depending on how things go with her being at the same school he is in (if he is even going to school next year).
Star - I've missed you!! Funny that I've been thinking of you lately and wondering where you've been. Thank you so much for posting. You're so right. I'm not ready to shut his phone off. I'm thinking about it but I really can not bring myself to do it. If I could it would have been done by now. And I am very much back and forth on what to do or not do. I have no confidence in this matter and if I'm honest with myself I'm terrified of doing the wrong thing. What if I keep talking to him and drive him even further away? What if I don't talk to him and then one day he wants a relationship but is afraid to call and I'll never know?
I just finished reading When Parents Hurt by Dr. Joshua Coleman and he states that I shouldn't stop talking to him because he is too young. That I should communicate in some form or another once a week. He says until they are 30. Maybe that has to do with the maturity issues our difficult child's obviously face. Then after that to only make contact on holidays and birthdays.
Then you mix in the possibility that this is most likely mental illness and that fudges my boundaries even more.
I definitely think it's time for some one on one counselling. I think I need that more than just the support group that husband and I have been going to. We stopped going a little while ago because we just felt like there wasn't anything more there for us and most of these families have children with drug problems and/or have lost a parent and developed anger and behaviour issues. There isn't a lot of support around children with mental illness.
Someone over in General Parenting posted a link to "A Day in the Life of a Bipolar Child". Funnybunny was different as a kid but this article describes him so closely as a teenager it isn't funny. If he is bipolar then it started really emerging at 15. I found the reference to manic episodes in spring/summer very fitting because he has been getting progressively worse as the weather has warmed and the sun has started to shine more - same as last year. If that's any indication I dread the summer because last year was absolute hell.
Barbara - easy child basically thinks Funnybunny is an idiot. She will speak to him shortly sometimes but mostly ignores him. But she hasn't deleted or blocked him from her FB.
I know what you mean about things not occurring to you that they affected easy child. I always assumed that most of her anger towards him was because of how he'd treated me and the disruption he'd caused in the family. We talked about that a few weeks ago and that's when a lot of stuff came out about how he treated her, especially when husband and I weren't home or out of earshot. That's where most of her anger comes from. Guess I had my head in the sand and didn't see it. Anyway, easy child doesn't really like to talk about him but she knows I'm always here to discuss anything she needs to work through and she has come to me a few times. If I think something is important I will bring it up to her as well and she can choose to talk about it then or later. She may end up with a therapist next year depending on how things go with her being at the same school he is in (if he is even going to school next year).
Star - I've missed you!! Funny that I've been thinking of you lately and wondering where you've been. Thank you so much for posting. You're so right. I'm not ready to shut his phone off. I'm thinking about it but I really can not bring myself to do it. If I could it would have been done by now. And I am very much back and forth on what to do or not do. I have no confidence in this matter and if I'm honest with myself I'm terrified of doing the wrong thing. What if I keep talking to him and drive him even further away? What if I don't talk to him and then one day he wants a relationship but is afraid to call and I'll never know?
I just finished reading When Parents Hurt by Dr. Joshua Coleman and he states that I shouldn't stop talking to him because he is too young. That I should communicate in some form or another once a week. He says until they are 30. Maybe that has to do with the maturity issues our difficult child's obviously face. Then after that to only make contact on holidays and birthdays.
Then you mix in the possibility that this is most likely mental illness and that fudges my boundaries even more.
I definitely think it's time for some one on one counselling. I think I need that more than just the support group that husband and I have been going to. We stopped going a little while ago because we just felt like there wasn't anything more there for us and most of these families have children with drug problems and/or have lost a parent and developed anger and behaviour issues. There isn't a lot of support around children with mental illness.
Someone over in General Parenting posted a link to "A Day in the Life of a Bipolar Child". Funnybunny was different as a kid but this article describes him so closely as a teenager it isn't funny. If he is bipolar then it started really emerging at 15. I found the reference to manic episodes in spring/summer very fitting because he has been getting progressively worse as the weather has warmed and the sun has started to shine more - same as last year. If that's any indication I dread the summer because last year was absolute hell.
witzend
Well-Known Member
Star - not sure - was that all for me? I'll do anything short of stand in front of a bus to get his attention? Hmmm... that doesn't sound like our situation at all. All that M gets from us is a cell phone. He did call husband on Father's Day and me on Mother's Day, so we'll keep it going for a while until the contract is up. When it is we'll give him a few months notice that we won't be continuting it. I text him once every two or three months, and we hear from him when there is some major lifestyle change like a new appointment or his engagement. But, it's silly to pay for a phone forever.
Mostly I'm concerned that he has invested all of his happiness - what little there is of it - in his fiance, and that if she leaves him he will fall to pieces. I was addressing that I can understand the frustrations we can have when our children want us to relive our rescue scenarios over and over again. We haven't done anything like that since before his suicide attempt in 2009, and that was just one night at a hotel until he could find a place to stay. But we're long done with any active roll in M's life choices.
(I'm guessing you were writing to welcometowitsend?)
Mostly I'm concerned that he has invested all of his happiness - what little there is of it - in his fiance, and that if she leaves him he will fall to pieces. I was addressing that I can understand the frustrations we can have when our children want us to relive our rescue scenarios over and over again. We haven't done anything like that since before his suicide attempt in 2009, and that was just one night at a hotel until he could find a place to stay. But we're long done with any active roll in M's life choices.
(I'm guessing you were writing to welcometowitsend?)
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