I was a monster this morning. I am so ashamed...

[Chaosuncontained]

He drug his butt around this morning. He asked me where his AR book was. I told him in his back pack "now, let's GO!" He then asked me, quite hatefully WHERE in his back pack the book was... He was angry because he couldn't find it and accused me of lying. Told me that "YOU HATE ME" (a favorite saying of his).

I became VERY angry. I yelled at him. Reminded him who made his lunch, washed his clothes, helped him with homework, read to him each night, "prayed over him" (his saying). I yelled and told him that I was the one researching online, making him doctor appointments--and going to them, picking up and giving him his medicines. I'm the one dealing with the school every time he gets in trouble. I am the one who worries CONSTANTLY about him. I am the one who plays with him, watches all his youtube videos, watches every cartoon, over and over. I told him I loved him more than he will EVER know. All said in anger. It was ugly.

The worst? When we got to school I *very* sarcastically said "Have a GREAT day Carson!!" and drove away.

He never said a word while I was yelling. And the look on his face when he got out of the car (without our usual "kiss, hug and a pat on the back") was so sad. I feel so bad. I want to go back and get him. And spend all day apologizing. I'm afraid he will have a bad day today--and it will be my fault.

I'm so tired.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

We all have our bad days momma. I agree that you should apologize when he comes home. We have all had to do it....(((HUGS)))

 

[ksm]

I have done that too. I called the school and told them it was important that difficult child call home as soon as possible. When she did - I apologized profusely. It made my day better - and hopefully hers too. KSM

 

[buddy]

It is ok for them to know we make mistakes and that we are human. He may exploit it for a while since he is not likly to understand your perception or to value how much you need him to accept your apology. It is probably going to be about how he feels about it. That is just part of being difficult child.

I feel terrible too when I make choices like that, but I talk about it and forgive myself. It IS hard to do this. Unlike what my 92 yr old neighbor thinks, I am not a saint and none of us are. If you didn't realize that you had a "bad mommy moment" as I call them, THEN there would be a problem.

When I get in places like this, I write it down and sort though and make a plan for myself about how i am going to get thru these same situaitons. For me it is a morning pattern. (among many, but that is my worst time dealing with it for some reason). I am really trying to establish a pattern including self talk to remember medications are not kicked in well at that time and it is a huge transition time.

Just sharing our story in case it sparks any ideas. In any event, you are not alone, and you are a wonderful mom.

 

[AnnieO]

No one is perfect, and as a parent of a difficult child, we get really stressed sometimes. Just apologize - don't make a huge deal, just make sure he hears that you didn't mean to blow up and you love him.

 

[tiredmommy]

Maybe I have a different take on this.... but he made you angry. He was hateful to you. Not that it makes it right, but it's essential that he understands other people have feelings too. While I agree that you should apologize, I also think this morning's episode could be a jumping off point to discuss how his behavior can impact others and the consequences it brings. I have a something I say to Duckie whenever she says I mean or that she hates me: "You get the mother you deserve". She wants pleasant and lovey-dovey? So do I. But I won't be her doormat because not only does that ultimately hurt our relationship, it also sets her up to accept that behaving this way will be okay with others.

 

[DaisyFace]

I agree with tiredmommy....

You have been his personal punching bag for waaaayyyy too long. We are not talking about a toddler here - your son is 9. Is that fourth grade, now? Is he treating his teacher that way? Is he treating the principal that way? If it's not OK in fourth grade...why is it OK at home?

Why is it OK for Carson to have feelings....but not anybody else?

Why should Mom apologize...and hug and kiss and explain away her feelings?

Instead of an apology - it should be a discussion. This is how I feel when I hear that I am "Mean" and "Hateful" and "a Liar"....etc

 

[JJJ]

Maybe I have a different take on this.... but he made you angry. He was hateful to you. Not that it makes it right, but it's essential that he understands other people have feelings too. While I agree that you should apologize, I also think this morning's episode could be a jumping off point to discuss how his behavior can impact others and the consequences it brings. I have a something I say to Duckie whenever she says I mean or that she hates me: "You get the mother you deserve". She wants pleasant and lovey-dovey? So do I. But I won't be her doormat because not only does that ultimately hurt our relationship, it also sets her up to accept that behaving this way will be okay with others.

The bolded statement is so key!!! I think apologizing for yelling may be appropriate but explain that everything you said was valid even if your tone of voice was not.

 

[Methuselah]

You're not a monster; you're human. Are you beating yourself for what you said or how you said it? If it is the former, he needs to comprehend his behavior, good and bad, affects others. If it is the latter, apologize and let him know you should have expressed your anger in a calmer manner. He needs to know his behavior effects others or he will never need to work on changing.

This reminds me of a time when my youngest two were in preschool. A mother came up to me and asked if I ever yell at my kids. I told her of course. I even yell at them to stop yelling.

 

[hearts and roses]

I also agree with TM - exactly what I was thinking as I read your post. Yes, you feel bad, but he was so rude and disrespectful to you and of your feelings. Something that was difficult for me to hear about my child at around age 9 was that she could possibly be using her known diagnosis/disability as a means of manipulating me.

Have a discussion. You can apologize for your delivery, but not the message...I've done that a few times. I don't like yelling, but sometimes what comes out in anger is exactly what they need to hear. And he's 9, he's not 4. Old enough to understand that A) he is not the center of the world and that all his behavioral issues don't preclude him from being yelled at occasionally, and B) Mom's have feelings too!

Wait till you're both home and can talk about it. I wouldn't call the school as there is a very good chance he's moved on.

Big hugs~

 

[Malika]

Oh, Chaos, been there done that! Know all about the anger and then the regret... But... I do agree with the others who have said that your anger was also valid. It is not necessarily a bad thing - it is not all bad. Carson knows you love him and that you are not going to abandon him. Your anger comes in that context. And it was real, and it was like a boundary for him, a demarcation of where he must not cross - and that is useful for a child because it is how life is, all the time... The thing our children don't "get" is that others have needs and wants just like them, that their own needs and wants are not actually centre stage. In a way you showed him that this morning. Okay, it was ugly and it may be good to say that you regret the way you expressed yourself but not what you said. As has been said, food for discussion... I have been surprised that sometimes I have kind of "got annoyed" at my son in a very human and un-text book way and it has made him stop doing whatever it is he is doing. I can see that, surprisingly, he has not actually minded. It is all something to do with the "cleanness" of the anger - if it's coming from a nasty place, that's different. Thanks for posting about such a very relevant topic...

 

[Bunny]

"You get the mother you deserve".

That is something that I will have to remember when difficult child starts his whole, "You just don't care about my feeling and this is when I think you don't love me."

Don't beat yourself up over this. Yes, I would apologize for yelling, but I would also try to make sure that he understands that what he said to you was hurtful. How would he feel is you said things like that to him?

 

[KTMom91]

I've done the same thing...more than once. It happens. Hugs to you, it'll work out.

 

[Chaosuncontained]

I went and had lunch with him. It was "Thanksgiving dinner day". I let him know right away that I was sorry for the way I acted. I told him I wasn't sorry for the WORDS I said, but I was sorry that I yelled at him. He hugged me and told me "it's OK".

We had a good lunch.

Thank you all for your kind words. It did make me feel better.

On another positive note: Remember the other day when another boy in Carson's class had a melt down over the library being closed? And Carson sat in the floor and "petted" him? I stopped to say hello to the boys Mother. She then told me they wanted to have "E" tested. They suspect Aspergers. I was able to give her some information about people to contact. I also told her I had a wonderful website I went to for support and information. And I told her how to get the IEP process started. "E" is VERY smart. Brilliant even. He talks like a little adult. But he has always had "social" issues, as well as a few others. I felt really good about being able to pass along some information--information I wouldn't know without coming here. You ALL may have helped yet another family. Thank you.

 

[Steely]

Oh boy - every word of your post could have been written, verbatim, by me when Matt was that age.

The few times I just really lost it with matt, and he got the look Carson had, it hit a nerve in him. He was always so used to being the one out of control, to see his mom that way, was an eye opener. He generally would come to me and apologize for whatever he did that started the whole blow up - it kinda knocked his selfish wind out of him.

Not that I am condoning doing this every day - it is just that this is life. Period. Sometimes we can't always be perfect parents let alone perfect parents to a difficult child - so if once in awhile they see our true colors fly - it is OK. It's reality.

 

[TerryJ2]

Chaos, I think we've all done that. Usually, I go to bed, have myself a good cry and a nap, and when I wake up, difficult child has calmed down and is actually feeling guilty. Which is fine by me. These kids need to know that they aren't the only ones with-feelings.
I'm thinking he needs to know that those words are your trigger and when you two talk about it later, you can explain to him that all of those things you do are signs of love. Don't talk and talk. Keep it short. Let HIM do the thinking and talking.
Do NOT let his sadness get to you. Please. I is so hard; I know the feeling. Breathe, walk, sleep, do whatever you have to do.
We all know you are a good mom. He is not the judge of that, and won't figure it out until he's middle-aged, if then.

 

[shellyd67]

Oh gosh, we have all been there. More than once ! Don't be too hard on yourself. We ALL make mistakes. Once you speak with difficult child and clear the air, I am sure you will feel better...