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I was feeling strong!
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<blockquote data-quote="Tanya M" data-source="post: 723585" data-attributes="member: 18516"><p>Hi Lou lou,</p><p></p><p>I'm so sorry for the heartache you are experiencing. </p><p></p><p>As you shared in your original post, when your daughter went off to college she had a new found freedom and made a choice to party. Her claiming that it was too difficult to work and go to school is a very thin excuse. She managed to party just fine. You eluded to something bad that happened to her, I have a pretty good idea what that might be. You expressed that you got her help and she chose not to follow through.</p><p>Unfortunately you cannot force someone to get help. This is also very common behavior in that by not dealing with "it", "it" didn't happen and "it" will go away. Your daughter is choosing to self medicate and this is not only in the form of using alcohol or drugs, she can also be using people, her current boyfriend.</p><p></p><p>You have gone above and beyond to help your daughter. You allowed her and the boyfriend to live with you. Much more generous than I would have been. I'm glad they are no longer living with you. </p><p></p><p>I know how much your heart hurts but here's the thing, your daughter wants to live her life on her terms but as soon as things start to fall apart she expects you to come to her rescue. This is the most common thread with all of our difficult adult children, they want to live an adult life that is void of all responsibility. In other words, they want to live in a fantasy land. </p><p></p><p>We as parents have hopes and dreams for our kids, that they will grow up into loving, responsible adults. When that doesn't happen we are crushed. </p><p></p><p>There is a fine line between helping and enabling our adult children. It's very easy to cross the line. Our children will use our emotions to blackmail us into enabling them. Of course they don't see it this way but that's the reality of it. All they see is that mom and dad should "fix" things instead of owning responsibility for their own actions. The danger in enabling is it prolongs the inevitable in that we as parents wont' be around forever and at some point our difficult adult children will be forced to take care of themselves.</p><p></p><p>Each of us as parents can only do what we are comfortable with. There is no one size fits all answer. The best thing we can do is gain as much information as we can to help us make a more informed decision. There is a wealth of information within these pages from parents who have been fighting this battle for a long time. I wish I had found this site many years ago and I could have save myself years of heartache and thousands of dollars.</p><p>There comes a time when we have to let go. When that "time" is, well that's different for everyone. </p><p></p><p>My advice to you is this, find programs in the area your daughter is in that can help her. Most towns have pregnancy crisis centers. Also find addresses of homeless shelters. Arm yourself with information. When your daughter reaches out to you for help give her the names of these places. Yes, she will not be happy with you because she wants you to swoop in, kiss her boo boo's and make everything okay. Problem is, she's not a child anymore, she's a grown woman making adult decisions. Giving her money will never solve her problems.</p><p></p><p>Something else that has helped me was to grieve the relationship I had hoped for with my son. To grieve for the sweet little boy that I had hoped would turn into a loving responsible man. </p><p></p><p>There is a very good article on detachment.</p><p> Here is the link <a href="https://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/" target="_blank">https://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/</a></p><p></p><p>Don't mistake detaching for not loving or caring about your daughter. Detaching is letting go of the chaos and drama. It's accepting that our adult children are choosing to live a life we don't agree with.</p><p></p><p>Hang in there and know that you are not alone. Be kind to yourself.</p><p></p><p>((HUGS))</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Tanya M, post: 723585, member: 18516"] Hi Lou lou, I'm so sorry for the heartache you are experiencing. As you shared in your original post, when your daughter went off to college she had a new found freedom and made a choice to party. Her claiming that it was too difficult to work and go to school is a very thin excuse. She managed to party just fine. You eluded to something bad that happened to her, I have a pretty good idea what that might be. You expressed that you got her help and she chose not to follow through. Unfortunately you cannot force someone to get help. This is also very common behavior in that by not dealing with "it", "it" didn't happen and "it" will go away. Your daughter is choosing to self medicate and this is not only in the form of using alcohol or drugs, she can also be using people, her current boyfriend. You have gone above and beyond to help your daughter. You allowed her and the boyfriend to live with you. Much more generous than I would have been. I'm glad they are no longer living with you. I know how much your heart hurts but here's the thing, your daughter wants to live her life on her terms but as soon as things start to fall apart she expects you to come to her rescue. This is the most common thread with all of our difficult adult children, they want to live an adult life that is void of all responsibility. In other words, they want to live in a fantasy land. We as parents have hopes and dreams for our kids, that they will grow up into loving, responsible adults. When that doesn't happen we are crushed. There is a fine line between helping and enabling our adult children. It's very easy to cross the line. Our children will use our emotions to blackmail us into enabling them. Of course they don't see it this way but that's the reality of it. All they see is that mom and dad should "fix" things instead of owning responsibility for their own actions. The danger in enabling is it prolongs the inevitable in that we as parents wont' be around forever and at some point our difficult adult children will be forced to take care of themselves. Each of us as parents can only do what we are comfortable with. There is no one size fits all answer. The best thing we can do is gain as much information as we can to help us make a more informed decision. There is a wealth of information within these pages from parents who have been fighting this battle for a long time. I wish I had found this site many years ago and I could have save myself years of heartache and thousands of dollars. There comes a time when we have to let go. When that "time" is, well that's different for everyone. My advice to you is this, find programs in the area your daughter is in that can help her. Most towns have pregnancy crisis centers. Also find addresses of homeless shelters. Arm yourself with information. When your daughter reaches out to you for help give her the names of these places. Yes, she will not be happy with you because she wants you to swoop in, kiss her boo boo's and make everything okay. Problem is, she's not a child anymore, she's a grown woman making adult decisions. Giving her money will never solve her problems. Something else that has helped me was to grieve the relationship I had hoped for with my son. To grieve for the sweet little boy that I had hoped would turn into a loving responsible man. There is a very good article on detachment. Here is the link [URL]https://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/[/URL] Don't mistake detaching for not loving or caring about your daughter. Detaching is letting go of the chaos and drama. It's accepting that our adult children are choosing to live a life we don't agree with. Hang in there and know that you are not alone. Be kind to yourself. ((HUGS)) [/QUOTE]
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