I WAS in a good mood today....now this

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
RN...you are so much stronger than we are. We refused to move our son too far away. We know he loves his family. Who knows if we have done anything right..time may tell, or maybe it's just him.

I have been thinking about what you said. I don't think that means I'm strong. I think it means I'm weak. I couldn't stand to see what he was doing to himself in front of me. It was killing me. I sent him away as much for me as for him. I just knew he would never make a good life for himself with us. I kept waiting and it wasn't happening. It actually was getting worse in many ways.

He wanted to go to Florida because the weather is obviously much nicer than in Illinois but also to get a job and go to school but he has been stuck in the same place emotionally and hasn't really grown much since he got there in March but at least he is having new experiences and learning to take care of himself for the first time in his life.

You are very strong that you are letting your son come home. I am terrified to even let mine come home for Christmas and probably will not even though it makes me feel terrible. I feel he has to grow more as a person before I feel comfortable with him coming home for a visit. He is not ready. I am not ready.
 

ColleenB

Active Member
Colleen...special positive prayers for you today. I don't know how to heal yet...but I'm trying.

Don't know if I am healing yet, but I'm sure hoping!

RN - I totally hear you. I think with my son out of the house I can at least try to pretend he is ok for now. Having him in my house made us all sad and unhealthy. I'm sure it's why younger son is moving out in a few weeks. But maybe it's a good for him too. He can just be a regular college kid. I worry financially for him, but he will be ok. And he will learn money lessons his brother will never learn maybe.

How did it get to this? I have friends with younger kids and I don't even remember the joy I used to feel with my young boys, it's like it's wiped out of my memory or it happened in a book I read.... So weird
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
I don't think healing comes for a very very long time - from all of this. I don't feel mine will begin until our son is moving in the right direction and we see definite change. So so far off. If ever.

Colleen I agree. I can't seem to remember the joy he gave us either. I think of it almost as from a separate person all together. I think maybe because I have mourned him so much. Maybe that happens because our mind won't allow us to feel the true extreme pain associated with all of this. I don't know.
 

mof

Momdidntsignupforthis
RN, and Colleen,

Trust me, I have vivid memories of the bad, and disappointments. You also have to remember...he did not live with us during his deep spiral. We have never had him with us medicated for his issues. There is an underlying tension I pray we can dissipate.

He is generally pleasant, calm and can be quite a hard worker. We have outlined a contract....I don't want to be his keeper...but he will not drive here.

I shouldn't have called him yesterday...he is sick and was in a I don't know mood...it's important he gets a therapist...we are not who he is going to talk to regarding his feelings. I have faced some of the worst, forcing ourselves to not sugarcoat the past.

I didn't find him with a needle in his arm...but visually it is there. We had to pack up his dorm room while his suite mates looked on...all I can say is that I had to grow some serious tough skin that day. Sad..no one really cared for him, because he has had no true connections.

We are realists...but as a Momma I sometimes dare to hope...it's not my place...he has to find whats good for him. We hope he hears us as we give him tools...I did find AA mtg for young people, the rehab here is helpful. It is true...many mtgs here don't like drug users.

RN...I hope the iop is good. My son's...he says it's nothing like a good mtg or ecp program he attended. I guess it's what you make of it...he doesnt find it much help...says there is a lot of marital problems talked about.

Colleen...I still pray for your son everyday...both of your and RNs...it can't hurt.

I am not going to communicate with T unless he reaches out...I need to do this for myself. He is quite excited to be home...it's been a year since he has lived here.

RN...Xmas scares me too...I'm such a holiday person...I pray for a good one. Maybe your family could go to Fla to see him? A little Sun might be nice...and yet he won't be in your home...but it's too far to think about.

I had my pastor and friend say they think he will do quite well here...they said they know hubby and I would never enable, and would call us out if they see us sliding. Difficult Child says people constantly say how lucky he is to have family...he says most young guys do...he thinks only the old long term users are on streets....Sadly he's wrong. He hasn't seen the worst, I pray he never wants too.

Thank you ladies...It's nice to vent, cry...well not so much..laugh, need more laughs!, with all of you.

Next two days I'm attending a leadership conference, although I left my job due to stress...they keep me busy and included...It could be worse!

Hugs,
Mof
 

New Leaf

Well-Known Member
I don't think healing comes for a very very long time - from all of this. I don't feel mine will begin until our son is moving in the right direction and we see definite change. So so far off. If ever.
Healing does come. It takes time and effort. It takes life's circumstances. It takes the reality to set in that we are seperate people, all of us, even from our beloved adult children. Acceptance that we have no control over outcome, we only have control over how we react and feel. I have often written about being on a parallel journey with our d cs. They are enmired in their addiction and struggle, and we are hovering over watching with horror and despair. I remember feeling so completely entangled with the degradation of their choices and lifestyles. Just barely keeping myself afloat from drowning in it.
Looking back, I see that my downward spiral mimicked theirs. They, swept up in drug use and partying, I suffering emotional havoc. We were so, so focused on what was going on with our two, our grands, it became the very air we breathed. Even as hubs suffered illnesses, the crazy continued. Everything we did to try to help was not making a difference. We lived in a sort of desperation that coincided with the choices our d c's made. It was insanity. It was such a waste of energy, time and health.
I realize now, that my focus was so intense on my two that I was missing out on not only my life, but the lives of my other children. They were struggling with their siblings issues as well, but also literally waiting on the sidelines.
All of this desperation on our part did not one thing to change the course of my twos choices. They are adults, the captains of their ships, and will navigate as they choose.
It is really, really that simple.
What complicates it all, is our love for them and the emotional upheaval we bear. We all have to go through our own process in dealing with this.
But, there is healing.
My two are still out there doing what they want to do.
And I am healing.
It has been a long time coming, so many, many years of struggle to get to this point. If I could turn back the hands of time, I would have done things much differently. But I can't change what has happened. So, I share here in hopes it will help, help me work to become steady state and help others try to avoid what happened to me.
This is my thinking today.
We are hoping with all of our hearts that our d cs find their way to their purpose. We mourn their addiction, the missteps and falls and choices. The awful consequences. The what has and what ifs and what may or might happen to them.
The terrible waste of time, mind, health, resources addiction and drug use causes.
Yet, at the same time it is happening to us. We get.....stuck. It is an awful, awful waste. Our getting stuck in the quicksand of our d cs choices does nothing to help them or us. We are all unique individuals and will walk the path that we choose. Of course, our emotional ups and downs and processing plays a big part in our ability to move.
To see things differently.
What we are asking of our d cs, that they choose healing and life, we need to expect of ourselves. If we say " My healing depends on my d cs getting better......"
We are entrapped in a position that is futile. Stuck.
We really, really have no control over what will happen with our d cs. But, a certain amount of control over ourselves.
RN, I see you taking big steps towards healing, setting boundaries, recognizing when you are in too deep, letting your husband deal with your son so that you can rebuild yourself, going to therapy. You are coming through this, working towards healing.
There is healing RN, Mof and everyone. Irrespective of what the kids do, there is healing.
But, it is up to us to choose it.
Hugs for your hurting hearts and prayers for peace and healing.
Leafy
 

toughlovin

Well-Known Member
I totally agree with Leafy..... I think this is all a process towards healing. We can't wait to start healing until our kids are doing better because that may never happen. We really can't know what is in the future for our kids. Some of our kids will recover and go on to live good full productive lives, and sadly some of our kids probably won't. We can't wait for them to be ok to be ok ourselves.

There was a time when the best I could be was ok....and survive without falling apart. At that point that had to be good enough. However I kept healing with time and I really have gotten much more to a place of acceptance.

I no longer believe that old saying that as a parent you can only be as happy as your unhappiest child. I realized if i go by that i might never be happy and I wasn't willing to settle for that.

So at this point I have accepted my son is going to do what he is going to do and he might never totally get it together. i hope that is not true but I can't base my happiness on his. So I am living my life doing things that I like to do, enjoying my time with my husband etc. Yes it is much easier because he is not living here with us.

RN I don't think you are weak for sending your son away.... that might have been the best thing for you and that makes it ok!!

At times I have moments of intense sadness..... like yesterday when I thought of how I wished our family could have been if only..... but I let go of those thoughts pretty quickly because they are not helpful.

I have hope that my son will figure things out at some point but I am no longer counting on it.

And I do for him the things that give me peace of mind. So I pay for his cell phone and we are helping him out here and there although also trying to set some boundaries on it. I am trying to limit him taking advantage of me.... but I also know that sometimes he is doing that.

I am trying to keep the door open on our relationship and continue to let him know I love him but also not to let that manipulate me into doing things I am uncomfortable with.

It is a balancing act for sure. And I really think all of us here are strong incredible parents dealing with situations most parents never have to face and have no clue about.

TL
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
RN...Xmas scares me too...I'm such a holiday person...I pray for a good one. Maybe your family could go to Fla to see him? A little Sun might be nice...and yet he won't be in your home...but it's too far to think about.

We are going to our condo in Florida for eleven days over Thanksgiving. Our son is about 1.5 hour drive from us. I had hoped he could come and stay a few days then but just not sure if I can handle it. We would have to remove the alcohol from the condo, don't want any temptation. I don't know if I'm ready to see him then. Maybe I will ask husband to go spend one day with him? I just am not looking forward to the dynamics of all of this. When I see him I know it will make me weak and I have been working so hard to be strong. Maybe he can drive up with his girlfriend?

We won't be able to afford to go again over Christmas (and I'm out of vacation days for 2016). We had talked about flying him home for Christmas (did not talk to him about it) but that was before his relapse and the whole thing even then gave me TREMENDOUS anxiety. I am not ready for him to come home for a visit. I think about what his last house manager said - how his mom wouldn't let him come home for a long time. So that makes me feel okay about feeling this way. We haven't discussed Christmas with him. It's four months off but of course I'm seriously stressing over it. I don't want to hurt him but I don't want him home either.

If I could see and feel him changing it would be different I think. As I said, he gives me mixed signals.

TL and Leafy - I agree that we can't wait to heal because their change may never come. Ugh I hate that thought. I have always been a positive, glass half full person so it's very hard not to be that way in all of this also. But I have been so beat down by all of this.
 

Albatross

Well-Known Member
RN, all of these feelings and thoughts are ok and completely understandable. As you said, this is 3 or 4 months away. A lot can change in that time. As hard as it is (which I know because I can't do it either), maybe just try to take it one day at a time and keep your options open? A lot can change in 3 or 4 months, with him and with what you are ready to do.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
RN, all of these feelings and thoughts are ok and completely understandable. As you said, this is 3 or 4 months away. A lot can change in that time. As hard as it is (which I know because I can't do it either), maybe just try to take it one day at a time and keep your options open? A lot can change in 3 or 4 months, with him and with what you are ready to do.

Albie
That is what my therapist said. But I haven't seen her yet this week. I go tomorrow. Wait til I tell her he drank beer! OMG!!

I am feeling very negative feelings about all of it though unfortunately. He's been in Florida almost five months and hasn't moved an inch so why think he will in the next for. Know what I mean??
 

mof

Momdidntsignupforthis
RN..

I understand your fear. Is alcohol his weakness? It's tough disease...alcohol is everywhere!

I would keep your options open. I just returned from an entire day of leadership summit...amazing people changing the world. I'm praying God speaks to me....I won't say what I think I'm hearing, but we feel bringing him home is right at this time. Will it be tough...yes, at times. Let's face it, I have Two hormonal teens in the house too.

I don't expect him to be all grown up over night...but our visits with him off late has been positive and enjoyable. I have not communicated with him...but found out one of his brothers has and he has responded..

RN, I agree with albie....so much can happen in months time. My son was so depressed when in his first house they told them that the relapse rate is close to 90 percent...so what's their relapse plan.

Well, what is ours? I hate the reality...but I love him more...as long as his progress is being made. Rejoice when they get a sponsor, rejoice when they call recovery friends...it's the steps.

I'm praying for your anxiety, our future for our strength. No decisions you have to make now...maybe just Dad sees him, maybe it's just Xmas day, who knows, maybe he will have to work.

Hugs....I'm working on peace...one day at time.
Mof
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Mof
His weakness and what I fear the most is using/abusing prescription medications. He could, at times before have a few beers and no issues BUT I would not have it around him at this point in time. I would not be comfortable at all. He has said he does not want people drinking around him either. So there is that.

I'm glad you have seen a change in your son. You are so very fortunate if he has been successful the first time in beating this.

Therapist tonight. I've missed her :)
 

Albatross

Well-Known Member
His weakness and what I fear the most is using/abusing prescription medications. He could, at times before have a few beers and no issues BUT I would not have it around him at this point in time.
I agree with this, RN. I'm sure his counselors have stressed this as well. Darkwing explained it very well in a previous post. Even if alcohol isn't THE problem, it lowers our ability to check our own behavior and makes it seem much less of a *big deal* to start using again.

I am feeling very negative feelings about all of it though unfortunately. He's been in Florida almost five months and hasn't moved an inch so why think he will in the next for. Know what I mean??
Oy. Yah. Sadly I do know what you mean. If his recent behavior is any indication, I can see you not feeling too hopeful. But then again, he is in a new facility. Perhaps that will be a change that will help him. Or he could "get it" for seemingly no reason at all. Or he could be making *fantastic* progress...then go off the rails with no notice. It's all so difficult. And completely out of our control.

Hope all goes well with your appointment today.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Albie

When it comes to drug use, NOTHING is logical is it? I'm such a logical type thinker and that has been the hardest thing for me to accept/grasp!
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Addiction takes a long time to stop. Realistically you don't know if it's for real for years, not months. If the addict takes responsibility and is proactive changing his or her life and choice of friends, those are good signs. Worrying about alcohol use is not a good sign. Staying clean would be good...even regarding alcohol.

Not everyone can ever drink responsibly.

Hate to be a negative here, but even regarding my daughter, I was a strong realist. I still am. I'm not an optimist or a pessimist. I use facts.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
I'm negative based on past experience. I don't like being this way. I am a very positive person. Everyone that knows me says that about me and I just feel it in my bones...but with this I am getting more and more negative as time goes on. Even my husband says so. It's like we've reversed roles in some ways. He is hopeful more so than me. I'm going to talk to my therapist about this. Perhaps it is unknowingly a way of self-preservation?
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Rn, I like being a realist (dealing in only known facts) because it is logical and keeps me from the devestation of false hope or the depression of feeling all is lost. With addicts, it isn't a fast or easy or straight toad so getting too excited over perceived progress or giving up after a bad stretch is not as realistic as remembering thete will be ups and doens. And it stops our mood swings too and truly we need to protect and nurture ourselves too.

I learned of the ups and downs and decided to stay in neutral and not reward a few good weeks or turn away from a few bad weeks. I took in each experience and processed it. This was my way of staying sane. One look at my emaciated daughter made me think of jail and death so I told myself not to worry ahead since neither had happeNed yet.

My favorite motto now is "it is what it is."
 

New Leaf

Well-Known Member
Leafy you always know what to say. I thank you.
RN, you are so sweet. I am writing to myself too, to remind myself not to slide back to sadness and desperation. It does take work to stay on track.
My dad had a favorite quote from a Greek philosopher that sums up dealing with "it is what it is"......"Seek not to have things happen as you choose them but rather choose that they should happen as they do, and you shall live prosperously"
I think that it is so helpful to draw upon the wisdom of old to find inspiration to carry on through difficulties.
I had some troubling times with hubs many years back. I was thinking of separation and my sis was convinced I should pack up and move home. My Mom told me in a steady resolute tone "You need to stand on your own feet and be self sufficient."
That hurt and the words swirled around my head a bit like twilight zone, but it was the right thing. Mom and Dads generation were different in their thinking. Tougher. They wouldn't sacrifice themselves so readily, and knew the reality was whatever my choice was, the best thing for me was to be able to walk that walk without leaning on them. Needless to say, hubs and I worked through it.
I am thinking today about respect. We often write about our d cs not respecting us. It's true, they don't. They don't respect themselves. On drugs or dry addicts, there is a blatant lack of self control.
If we lose our self control and go into a tailspin along with them, how are they ever going to respect us? Or, themselves?
It is the hardest thing to do, to pull up and out of their drama infused lives and carry on with our heads and hearts held high. But I really do think this is a big part of recovery for them......our recovery.
When we figure out that all of the raw emotional topsy turveyness we've gone through simultaneously with their choices does nothing but hurt us (and really hurts them because we are not grounded) it is a whole new way to look at things.
There is no guarantee here, that our becoming steady state and pulling up out of the pit will help them see the light. But, it will make a big difference in our life and our response to their dilemmas. Really essential, because we won't be around forever to rescue them. They need to figure their lives out, stand on their feet, be self sufficient. Walk the walk of their choices without expectations and feelings of entitlement towards us. In order for them to do that, we need to walk that walk.
So, RN you have begun that walk by setting boundaries for your son.The goal for us, I believe, is to set boundaries for ourselves, emotional boundaries. It takes work and we are going to backslide. I can understand your being so emotionally entwined. Your son is young, and the shock and dismay of his overdose, that he would come that close to losing his life is a nightmare.
I can tell you after so many years of living on edge with this, pulling emotionally away becomes a matter of survival. It is the difference between just existing and living. It is the same for our d cs, they are on the edge with addiction, just existing. Not really living.
Living day by day helps, the end of the story is not written and there are so many variables when it comes to our d cs. Thinking months ahead is hard. Really hard. I used to think of worse case scenarios just to be prepared, but that took its toll. Looking back, at all of the heartache I went through, the distress, the emotional chaos, I see that it did not change what my d cs would choose. It still won't. So, I have to try my best to live one day at a time and not be so bound to their drama. It is too hard.
I stopped projecting outcomes and putting my peace, goals or plans on the line. It does not mean I don't love them, I do with all of my heart. I am just not willing to lose my joy over their choices. I have come to look at it as their way towards finding their purpose. Not the way I would prefer, but, I have no control of that. I hope they do find a better way, but I can't let that prevent me from trying to have a good rest of my life.
Take heart RN. You are doing the best you can with all of this. I see you making great progress. We all have to process in our own way and time. I am still working at it. You know by my postings that I have my days where the dismay of it all gets to me.
One thing hubs passing has taught me is how very short life is. I am determined to find joy and peace. I just know you will find it too.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy
 

mof

Momdidntsignupforthis
RN, and all you kind hearted women.

I don't know if our son "has it". Who knows...I am choosing not to contact him at this time an letting him live. We talk to a therapist Monday to help us with some guidelines.

The only thing I do know, is that I am in this recovery with him. I know I need to work on my reactions, and he needs to work on his. Goals need to be refined..and we as a family will try to walk together.

Every life matters. Maybe God will use me in a bigger way..but for now..it's our family. I feel deeply for all of us. I don't have to know you to feel your frustrations, pain and tears.

Something is telling us that he needs to be home. That is individual for everyone. I don't fear him, just stupid choices, that he has proved he can overcome. I don't believe any addict can ever casually drink or smoke pot...and many use nicotine also as a substitute. T says alcohol does not tempt him, but the liquor is leaving the house. We are not heavy drinkers...so why keep it.

I want to make sure our other sons are not pushed to the side either....we all play a balancing game.

Friends of ours just told us their son is not returning to university because he was asked other to come back due to academic probation an other choices...we can think 19 and 20 is all grown up...but it's not for all. They can be stupid without drugs or mental illness!

Our world is dealing with so much...refugees, violence, and mental illness and the opiate epidemic. I will try to support wellness on all fronts...it's not easy, but I will climb whatever hill is put before us.

All of you have been amazingly strong, resilient people. I believe that there is hope for our sons and daughters...

I know that in the good, bad and crazy, I will keep posting to stay a bit sane. I'm going to dig deep....

Blessings
Mof
 

Albatross

Well-Known Member
I had some troubling times with hubs many years back. I was thinking of separation and my sis was convinced I should pack up and move home. My Mom told me in a steady resolute tone "You need to stand on your own feet and be self sufficient."
That hurt and the words swirled around my head a bit like twilight zone, but it was the right thing. Mom and Dads generation were different in their thinking. Tougher. They wouldn't sacrifice themselves so readily, and knew the reality was whatever my choice was, the best thing for me was to be able to walk that walk without leaning on them. Needless to say, hubs and I worked through it.
Leafy, this rocked my brain. I have been thinking about it all day today. It reminded me of something similar that happened in my much younger days, when my father made it very clear to me that he had complete faith that I could make my own decisions, and further, HE WOULD ACCEPT NO LESS. It was hard, REALLY HARD, and frightening, and sometimes my choices were not at all what he wanted. But he was right, even though it didn't feel like it at the time. I wonder if it "felt" right to him, or if he had the same doubts and hurts we share? I am guessing it did hurt, even though it was a different time then, and even though it was just what parents did. But he never blinked. His separation from me was done with great love, but also great faith.

This afternoon I was driving down the road and saw a marquee that said, "The wise man is the one who remembers the times he wasn't."

How many times have I deprived my son of what could have been a memorable experience?

I realized that this has been a source of great conflict for me. I did not have the strength to do for my son what my father did for me, yet I believe it is the best thing to do for our children. I have come to believe that even more, after these years of parenting a difficult child. And it is best for us too.

I wish I had done so sooner, instead of swinging between saving him and cutting him off entirely. I wish I had paid forward that combination of great love and great faith.
 
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